For those in no contact trying to get their ex back, please read!!!

[Brokebutno1]

Ahhh where to start? I guess by sending my love out to everyone on here who have ALL indirectly helped me throughout a tough few months. I'm no wordsmith so you won't really gather my backstory through my previous posts so here it is in a nutshell (by the way for reference, i'm 27 and she's just turned 25):

-Dated for almost 2 years

-Great, loving relationship, hardly any fights etc...

-All of a sudden she becomes distant, blah blah blah won't pick up the phone, takes a few hours to reply to texts and once she eventually would they were colder than an ice queens ice cream

-Beginning of January she asks for a month break to sort out her issues, telling me she has severe depression/anxiety and needs to focus on herself and family for a while.

-I'm confused but agree to it, never contacted her in the month, however she called a couple times 'just to make sure i'm ok' hahahaa

 

I took the month hard by the way, did all the usual (hit the gym, go out with mates...) but was basically counting the days.

 

So January ends, I don't want to bug her so I send an email saying i recognise the issues I was bringing to the relationship, have worked on them and feel to be a better man for me, and us. no reply. I call a few days later, no pickup.

 

We then have painfully sporadic contact for a few weeks, in which admittedly, I begged for here back and did all the stuff you shouldn't..hey, i was panicking, I love this girl and she was just flat-out ignoring me out of nowhere! Finally got her on the phone and she agreed we would meet in a few days, so I left it at that (after reading a helluvalot on the net about no contact, all these petty mind games to give the impression it wasn't affecting me etc).

 

So she never calls, then a couple weeks after I get an email basically saying we're no good for each other, she doesn't want to get back together, has to work on herself etc etc... Oh i forgot to mention in the previous couple of weeks I had been perousing some online dating sites; I think subliminally to 'hopefully' catch her out, also to just talk to some girls to build my self esteem i gues..but I found her, on TWO sites, one of them she had last logged into in NOVEMBER 2012?!?!! I sent her an email asking about that too, but never got a reply haha

 

So that was the last contact, a month ago. I had 'moved on' i guess, but admittedly I was playing a big game of no contact to get her back again. I had resigned myself to the fact I would never initiate contact with her again, half out of self respect and dignity, half just wanting to do anything to get her back, because everything my heart had told me to do up to that point hadn't worked! I had read literally everything there is out in internet land on 'NC to get your ex back' and the likes..hmmm that's a sticking point with me:

 

I read alot from guys like SuperDave and No Foolin on this and other sites, and it filled me with tremendous hope. I totally get the message they're trying to send, that NC is to get YOU back NOT your ex, but i still feel that their posts prey on the weak a little and give unnecessary hope where none may lie. Hell, i've been broken up with before (years ago) and I initiated No Contact for myself, having never heard of the 'rule' but just because these people hurt me, so in turn, I wanted nothing to do with them!! granted these weren't cases of love, but still...

 

Anyways...the point of this rant?

 

I get an email today. Tail between her legs, she tells me she's seeing someone else, didn't want me to hear it from anyone else as it felt like the 'right thing to do' (what, and dumping me via email after dissapearing from my life was right too?!?!) HA! I was devastated for about half an hour, I even called her to tell her how much i loved her, that we were perfect together, i feel this is the wrong choice...we can fix this! Then I said to her "I feel I need to fight for this, unless i'll live with regret forever. We can fix this, whatever it is. I don't care whats happened up to now (ie clearly she'd been with this guy for a while, or atleast looking for someone), and told her it hurt that she's moved on so quickly, that i'll love her forever. AND THEN.... (after she disagreed and said she needs to do this for herself, with him..)

 

Some thing just clicked in my head/body. I''ve been so fu**ing down for the past like 3 or 4 months, which is so out of character for me. Nothing has made me happy. MY music hasn't seemed worth listening to because WE used to listen to it...Restaurants I love I haven't been to because WE used to go there...sports i've played FOREVER I dropped out of because SHE used to come watch me play...i've been a ****ty, miserable glub to my friends and am surprised they still try to get me out of the house on a weekly basis (love em list goes on..basically everything that is ME, I haven't had time for because they remind me of her, and have all fallen to the back burner. Its utter ridiculous. So what did I do?

 

*Lightbulb Moment*

 

I agreed with her, stopped begging, bent down and picked up my dignity from the gutter and realised Hey, if she doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore, didn't have the decency to just tell me straight and strung me along for months...WHATEVER. Go be with a new guy, go do all the sh*t we used to do with him, tell me you're happy now WHATEVER. IT MEANS NOTHING TO ME NOW. I wished her the best, told her NO we CAN'T be friends because friends don't treat each other like this, and I can't be friends with someone I have strong feelings for. I hope it all works out for you. 'CLICK'.

 

And you know what....from that moment to now, a total sum of about 4 hours...I FEEL FANTASTIC. THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS. I'm smiling and just thinking positively like I haven't all this sh**ty year I went out to dinner with a mate tonight because I actually wanted to , smiled laughed and had fun because I ACTUALLY WANTED TO, not because I thought i'd act merry when I really wasn't!! All this pain/anxiety/whatever, has been SELF INFLICTED, i've been sitting around Googling all these tactics on getting her back and stuff like that, being the most miserable guy in my suburb easily, when she's been with a new guy?!?! PPAAALLLLEEEEEAAAASSSEEE!!!!! What a waste of my life, my precious time on this rock! WOW it feels good to not be BRINGING MYSELF DOWN anymore.

 

So is there a point to this thread, this overly-long, concoction of words which probably make no sense despite being everything i'm feeling?

 

MOVE ON, PLEASE!!!! DON'T CONCERN YOURSELF WITH GETTING SOMEONE BACK WHO DOESN'T SEE YOU AS WORTH THEIR TIME. LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!! QUADE, OPEN YOUR MIND!!!!!!!

 

Now i know I read advice which said this exact point over and over AND OVER in the last few months, but did I take the advice? no, sadly. My thoughts were only on getting back together with this person. It actually makes me laugh at myself right now, something I haven't had the priveledge of doing for a while. I think those in this situation I have been stuck in get given great advice in places like this, but subliminally choose to ignore it. like...'nah we had something different', or 'but we're in love'. My view now is if you're in love, and someone is in love with you, you'll do anyting to be by their side, and they will to you too. anything less (obviously disregarding extenuating circumstances) is NOT LOVE. Have some respect for yourself, please. While you sit around your so called love could be firing up the coals of a new relationship, or they could be doing anything really...you'll never know, how could you if they don't let you know, but whatever it is, they're choosing to do it alone; let them. Realise you're a special person and (here comes probably the biggest piece of advice i've ignored in the past few months!)... THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER OUT THERE FOR YOU, FOR US, WHO WANTS TO BUILD WITH US, SHARE WITH US, LIVE LAUGH AND CRY WITH US.

 

Be excited. Excited that this person could bump into you at the coffee shop tomorrow, or may see you at the gym and think you're a bit of alright Hell, i'm not out there desperate for another right now, but i'm excited as hell that I may have already met them and not known!! I may meet them tomorow!

 

I know this has been a ramble, but if one person gains something from it then it's been worthwhile. Hell, it's been worthwile as f*** for me just writing it! The world is a beautiful place people, take your hands from over your eyes and ears and smell the roses

 

I truly love you all.

 

x

[Roundthecorner]

Nice post, Broke, I feel happy for you! Keep me/us updated how you fare if you can!

For myself I have only just realized how blind I am once infatuated. I then project everything good I can imagine onto the person I find attractive, no matter how she really is. Totally self-inflicted BS!

Makes me feel good to have realized that, and looking forward to my recovery now! Next time around, I think I can do much, much better! And that will mean a woman I find very attractive AND has a good character! In the past it tended to be good looks first, the rest I simply projected on 'em.

Well, enough about me, I hope you are feeling as hopeful as I do, and I wish you all the best!

[surfjon]

Brother,

Went thru the same type of ambivalent treatment so I clenched my jaw and walked....

I did no begging, pleading, nothing....just walked and ain't lookin back....

 

I'm dating and having a ball, don't care what she's up to.....

 

That power feels good doesn't it Broke? That feeling free from their control finally!!

[Brokebutno1]

Round-i will indeed keep everyone posted, through whatever happens! I agree with everything you said, what you feel is love truly blinds you to the glaring truth. Much love and i hope you can keep on keeping on with your head held high!

 

Surfjon- my oath that power you feel is unbeleivable! Their control is exactly what it is, and i reckon they feel and thrive off it! Couldn't give a care in the world what she 's up to

 

I now see all the things i was unsatisfied with in the relationship and really look forward to meeting someone who ticks more boxes, man if i look past her ass there aint much goin for her haha

 

I had thoughts of sending an email basically saying f*** you for everything you put me through...but it aint worth the energy it would take writing it, and i wouldn't want to tickle her little ego anyway...i'll take much more satisfaction staring right through her when i pass her by in the street one day muhuhuhahahahaaa!

[pandorasbox1]

Thanks for the post. Im happy to know that I am on the right track to healing and Im proud of myself for having these kinds of light bulb moments only a week after the breakup.

 

@roundthecorner, You summed up me perfectly. I idolized him to no end, but little did I know that I was projecting onto him. He really cant be that great if he chose to give up on me... and so often too.

 

Love made me really blind and ignorant, but I see how he is now.

 

I still relapse from time to time, thinking I need him back in my life, but the only person I really need is me, and I lost met in the relationship

[stranger88]

Just remember, that initially you will feel this insane happyness, then regret, then sadness etc. Just because your emotions are feeling confident now do not be surprised at all when they change and do not relapse just because tomorrow you feel down about it. The decision has been made and there is nothing you can do.

 

I'm very surprised you tolerated her just leaving your life for a month or so without anything being officially over. There is no way I could deal with that hanging over me and it was very incorrect of her to do that to you, it shows very low character on her behalf.

[Brokebutno1]

I feel ya stranger but to be honest i've felt all the regret and sadness i ever have in the last few months, call it closure or whatever but i'm all done with that...I cried and moped it all out, there's nothing left to give. When i called her back i literally said that, "you need to tell me not to fight this"..and she did, so good luck to them.

I aint no buddhist but i know that if this one don't work out for her then all she's avoided in this situation will come crashing down on her and she can deal with it all then..and that makes me smile like i haven't for quite a while

[Summers12]

Thankyou. Truly, just thankyou.

[dumPI]

Nice you had the lightbulb moment. However it's up and downs down the road. Use the up moments to make yourself stronger.

I was in your situation 1,5 years ago and then I started reading here.

 

You can read my threads if you want cause I've posted my story as it was happening (she had someone new too) and I have some more new things to post since I moved on (hopefully later I will have time to write)

 

Upwards and onwards as they say!

[Roundthecorner]

Broke, I am slightly bored at work at the moment. Which means it is time for an update, please!

[surfjon]

Stranger,

I'm embarassed to say that I endured 2 months of her ambivalence with zero romance or affection, no sex....

 

and she never did break up with me, just expected me to hang around for breadcrumbs of hope, which I happily munched up until she said one day "This is nice being friends".....***??

 

I walked after that, told her no way....she can't have just a part of me.

 

Went full NC and started dating again almost immediately.........

[Mike80]

Broke....that "lightbulb moment" hit me a few nights ago.

 

47 days NC, my ex (who dumped me the exact same way yours did, new man and all), texted me out the blue and I never responded. The lightbulb went off and I thought, "what do I owe this girl?? Shes begging for attention, but she doesnt deserve any from me." Shes literally been blowing up my phone for several days now and I have no urge to respond to her. One thing dumpers dont realize, is that after a certain period of time has elapsed, they lose a good amount of power over the dumpee, allowing them to think clearer and make rational decisions going forward. Then when the dumper decides to try to establish contact and they receive nothing but silence, thats when it hits them; its over and theyve lost all power.

 

We all have a threshold, and I think we both reached it. These young ladies are about to have a very rude awakening.

[Lambo]

I think I'm close to be reaching that "lightbulb moment." I don't initiate contact anymore, however, she tends to text me every 2.5-3 weeks (usually after she's met with a mutual friend and has gotten insight on how/what I'm doing.

 

At the moment, I still respond to the texts that she sends me. I don't know if that is a good idea or not. I don't have the urge to have her a girlfriend in my life but it would be nice for us to start being friendly again.

 

She might just be contacting me because her new boyfriend is still out of the country (he will be back in May) and then she'll probably go completely cold on me again. Which is why I'm extremely hesitant in creating a friendship again.

[Brokebutno1]

Funny is definitely the wrong word...but it's 'funny ' how many situations you see on here that tick all the same boxes of the fu**ed up situation you're currently going through it's almost as if someone else is recounting your nightmare!! It's almost therapeutic to realise that what you feel yourself being dragged through is also happening to other dudes throughout the world, and the monster you feel dedicated to is just a carbon copy being replicated in many places at the same time!!

I dunno who said it, either a rapper or a comedian...actually i think its an old NWA track, where cube says 'not all women are *****es, but all women have a little ***** in em' !! Now i'm not hatin on women , i'm sure guys do this but it's just how i've seen it happen...and it's so on point!

 

As far as an update? I'm still great, and don 't see that changing this isn't a 'stage' i've entered into, or a phase i need to complete...this is normality, and i'm back in it lovin it!! I actually have a date lined up sunday with a girl who blows my mind in many ways...i'll finally tick hairdresser off my bucketlist too haha, been on the list for a while

 

I was so close to sending the whole f**k you text the day after it all...but so glad i didn't, it matters not to me now

 

Really hoping you guys reach this point of apathy towards it all cuz it 's a great place to be...looking only forward and upwards and loving myself and my life sll the more for it!!

 

Chin up fellas, stop countin the days since the disaster and realise it's a countdown til the next opportunity