Getting My Ex Back...

[wickedconfused]

My girlfriend and I dated for about a year, and then I moved three hours away for work. Things were ok for about a month it seemed, and then she started to pull the slow fade.

 

I did everything wrong. I cried, I pleaded...nothing seemed to work. Intermittent attempts at NC led to an official LC type of status.

 

She reached out a few times, including at the end of January, whe

 

Nn I ended up going over to her house and sleeping with her (she was so wishy washy before I got there that she uninvited me via text when I was already en route). That night, she made it seem like we were going to work out, and then she immediately went back into her LC "sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't" mode.

 

I quit my job and relocated to be closer. Even this didn't fully change her attitude. She was always stressed, always distracted, and could find a million reasons why "today just won't work" to grab lunch.

 

Now, I want to make it clear: we had a very good relationship until I left. It was full of passion and we generally had good communication. After I left, I saw her only a few times before she drifted (we fought on the phone for about a week over a variety of things and our individual lives had a lot of problems that we weren't effectively communicating).

 

I sent flowers, gifts, thoughtful texts...she always responded kindly but did not reciprocate. I asked if there was anyone else and she even stated that she would have to be a pretty awful person to accept my gifts if there was anyone else.

 

A few weeks ago, I "backed her into a corner" by saying it's time to make a decision. I told her that my move to be closer was not to pressure of guilt her, but to show her that I'm committed to making things work. She texted later to say she wanted to think about what I said and would call me the next day.

 

The next day, she texted me and said "this weekend is not going to work." Very cold interaction. Again.

 

I spent that Saturday/Sunday a mess. I was trying to write the perfect letter to her. So much to express, no outlet.

 

Things changed that Tuesday. I went out with another girl. I was honest with the girrl that I was freshly coming off a relationship and wanted to be friends first. We had a great time. My ex had texted me while I was out because she had been to the hospital earlier that day for chronic illness issues. She just said she made it home ok.

 

I called her. Once she found out about the other girl, it was like a switch flipped. I teased her about her jealousy. I also honestly told her that I would have dropped the date if she had only called me. Ironically, she said she spent Saturday night with the phone in her hand, going to call me "30 times."

 

I told her I was coming over, and she refused again because she was sick. I told her that two months seems adequate to find 30 minutes for lunch. I went over. We talked a lot. She was awfully sick, but we can't seem to stay away from each other physically when we are together. We had sex.

 

Contact began to pick up more frequently and we discussed options. We talked about trying to go on a date or to go 30 days NC. She said that she might realize after time apart that she "couldn't live without me."

 

Life didn't wait. The next day, she was admitted to the hospital. I've been her rock since then. We have talked for hours, she has said that she loves me, and she has said that she wants to work on the relationship. She also said that the time where her life has "stopped" momentarily has made her realize how "mean" her actions were by not giving me clear answers...she has also admitted that she didn't know them all herself. She said she thought she could handle me leaving, but once I was gone, all she had left was a phone.

 

Because of all the other "life" stuff that has gotten in the way, she worries that the hospitilazion will be like a "dream" because we have full access to each other (emotionally). Her daughter has a lot of issues and doesn't want her mom dating. The daughter knows who I am and even deleted me from her mom's facebook account. She wants her parents to reunite....not happening. So my gf is walking on eggshells with her because of the tantrums and stuff...that's part of what happened between us.

 

Anyhow, we aren't in the clear yet, and I'm still afraid that she might gradually go cold again. But her actions lately have been very positive. Frequent contact throughout the day. Making plans. None of this happened in January. So I guess we will see.

 

Life is not a game, and every relationship is different. Rules of NC and stuff might eventually build walls around your heart, but only you can gauge how you want to approach the fight. I'm still doing things wrong by creating pressure inadverently; saying how much I love her all the time, etc. But the woman knows me and knows my heart. She has said she worries that losing me could be devastating.she has asked me to be patient with her as she recovers and works with her daughter. And she has told me that this awful situation has shown her that I am the only man she has ever known, with the exception of her father, that she can fully trust.

[wolflovesmoon]

seems like we all fall into this trap. i think standing by her side during this time is a great idea, but she is trying to get better, and once she does, what`s next my friend? will she want to work on things and move on or would she want to have more time to think.. nothing waits in this life, people always expect you to wait, even when not given a very little glimpse of hope. if she can`t make a decision i think you should. just tell her i want to let you go and make your own decision, tell her she should not want to be with you to repay you for what you did/ doing for her right now.

i think the LC or NC works most of the time, but you have to be ready to move on during that time, you must give her reasons to fear losing you for ever, and you achieve that by changing things around, never be mean, angry, never show your pain, work on your self, work out, go out more often, keep your self busy, and when she calls be nice and talk for little time, don`t tell me its hard because i know it is, i have been there and done that. a man that values him self and his live will always know how to value a woman..and its very attractive to women also..its ok to get you hopes up and wish for the best, but have a plan B in case things goes back to how it was before. i wish you good luck.

[wickedconfused]

When she realized that I was no longer waiting, she showed her true feelings. She said she thought she would be ok with me seeing other people, but once it was real, she started to rethink everything. The jealousy wasn't the be all, end all though. It opened up the lines of communication like a flood gate.

 

If she ever requests time to think again I will try to work with her to determine a specific time period (15 days? 30?) where we will agree to reconnect after.

 

She does not want to be with me as repayment. She loves me, that much she is sure of, but there's a fear inside her that I could leave again, or grow to resent her. We've discussed the "why do you want to try?" stuff, and it comes down to us both finding our relationship to be special compared to ones we've had in the past. Totally different.

 

I worry about the same stuff you do, but she seems to genuinely want to give it a shot. Even when she brought up a lot of her personal struggles with the kids, finances, etc. I asked her if that has her rethinking trying to work things out. She said it doesn't, but she needs me to be patient with her as she addresses these other issues. This does not mean I sit by the phone for weeks on end, waiting for calls that may or may not come. She needs to really TRY or she really does risk losing me. I'm all in for this with my heart, but we both know that I can't hang on forever if she keeps being wishy washy.

 

Looks like she gets out of the hospital today...finally. we will see from here.

[wolflovesmoon]

i am glad she is getting out of the hospital and i hope she feels better

i know it must be hard to be torn, wanting to stay,, trying to understand and make sense of it all..between her leaving you clueless and asking you to be patient ( my wife is going thru that phase now where she want space..i love my wife like no one else and i will take a bullet for her, but i am giving her what she is asking for. regardless of that fact that this is shattering my whole existence)

i will then encourage you to be patient, by the end of it all if nothing happen, then you wont blame your self for not trying, i would still advice you to be cautious and don`t go on it all together.. it will be even harder. seems like you know what you want,, what to do. so i wish you great luck and i will pray for you..

[wickedconfused]

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. I'm feeling rather insecure about "us", but her health must come first. She's put a lot on the line to even try to this extent, so I do appreciate her efforts so far. I just hope they continue after discharge.

 

An important thing I've learned about "rules" or "giving time" is that you should try to communicate how much time is needed before you reconvene. Otherwise, every day is agony.

[wickedconfused]

She's still sick and in the hospital, but we are currently going strong with lots of communication and face time whenever possible. She is adament that she won't just disappear again...we have been making plans. She has a hard time being "all in" due to all the other life stuff right now, but she is saying she loves me more and more often. I will try to post again some time down the line...