Any way to salvage this?

[ssj5goghan]

I've been dating a girl for 2 months. Things were going great up until about the one month mark, when we had a discussion about the future. I'm moving to NY for my job in June, and she told me she did not want to have a long distance relationship unless it was perfect. We'll be three hours away. This really scared me and I tried to end the relationship by telling her that I loved her, wanted her really bad, and would do anything for her. She hates commitment, and I chased her away. She told me she's not really feeling the same way anymore and is leaning more towards friendship, but she still kind of likes me. I still really like her, and now I want to risk my heart and see if there is a chance. Anyway to salvage this?

[ExcitedtoSleep]

She hates commitment, and I chased her away.

 

I feel like someone who is afraid of commitment in a situation like this is just someone who will never be truly committed to you anyway. I think that you should find someone else who will commit to you.

 

I know that it will be difficult for you to accept this advice at first.

[lostnscared]

I think you scared her away because you told her you loved her after only dating for a month or two. That's pretty soon and that's a huge word. That would scare me if a guy I had been dating a couple of months said it, meant it, and wanted me to pursue something serious with him so soon... I don't think it's necessarily the idea of commitment that made her want to run for the hills, but the idea that already things have sped up to a pace she is not comfortable with.

 

That being said, if she TRULY hates commitment and is not a relationship girl then I don't think there is anything you could do to salvage this that would allow you to be you and have the relationship that you'd like with her. So I'd assess if it's the idea of commitment(being in a serious relationship) that scares her or just the fact that things have sped up and that you've professed your love for her very soon into your new relationship and it was too much for her. If it's the latter the best way to salvage it would be to pull back and slow down--go a a much slower pace and stop acting out in some of the behaviors that may have caused her to want to run for the hills. If it's the former then there is nothing you can do but move on.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I think you scared her away because you told her you loved her after only dating for a month or two. That's pretty soon and that's a huge word. That would scare me if a guy I had been dating a couple of months said it, meant it, and wanted me to pursue something serious with him so soon... I don't think it's necessarily the idea of commitment that made her want to run for the hills, but the idea that already things have sped up to a pace she is not comfortable with.

 

What is wrong with a guy who knows what he wants in his life? Seriously, what changes when a guy finally understands that he loves a woman?

[lostnscared]

What is wrong with a guy who knows what he wants in his life? Seriously, what changes when a guy finally understands that he loves a woman?

 

There's nothing wrong with him feeling the way he does. He can't help his feelings. If he loves her, and genuinely loves her and isn't just infatuated, ruled by lust, or anything else then there is nothing at all wrong with him loving her and telling her so. HOWEVER just because he feels that way about her, early on, does not mean that she feels the same way and is even comfortable with him feeling so strongly in only the first couple of months of dating. She may really like him, but not feel the love, or be ready to be as serious with him as he is with her. She may need time to develop these feelings and she may want to get to know him more but in a much less serious manner. Him feeling the way he does and telling her it, might have frightened her and made her feel pressured, like it was getting too serious, and like she's in over her head because she is nowhere near where he is at with her feelings for him. So she pulled back and told him that they should be friends. You have to remember that just because one person is moving at ONE pace, does not mean that the other person is comfortable with that particular pace. When you have dated for less than 3 months it's important to stay at a similar pace, or at least to be understanding of the other person and the pace they may want to move at--and if you are not okay with slowing down to meet the person's pace or speeding up then that means that you both either aren't compatible or aren't ready. My only advice to the OP is to assess what the issue is--is it that things have gotten to serious for this girl too soon, or is it that she is afraid of commitment altogether.

 

If it's the latter there really is NOTHING he can do, because that means she is a commitment phobe. If it's the former, then pulling back and giving her space and "time" to develop similar feelings will probably be difficult for him but if he likes her and wants it to progress that might be the only way.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

You have to remember that just because one person is moving at ONE pace, does not mean that the other person is comfortable with that particular pace.

 

I agree.

 

I would say that a man who loves a woman should not let his emotion dictate his behavior in the relationship. To me, if the man simply tells the woman that he is truly in love with her, that is not a problem. When he pushes and pressures her to love him back, that is the problem.

 

How the original poster felt should not be the issue. How he acted should be the issue.

If the original poster's girlfriend is/was not mature enough to understand this, then a non-issue becomes an issue.

 

My only advice to the OP is to assess what the issue is--is it that things have gotten to serious for this girl too soon, or is it that she is afraid of commitment altogether.

 

Yes. But also, if the former is the case, what has made her feel this way?

[ssj5goghan]

Didn't say the word love, but essentially conveyed that. She definitely does not like me as much as I like her, and that scared her, so now she wants to put me in the friendzone. I think that has a lot to do with it, but there also must be something else. She finds me attractive, nice, funny, great to be around, loves kissing me, but for some reason she said she just didn't have a desire to go further and she's not sure why.