What do dumpers truly think about when their exes mourn?

[L12640]

I always hear:

The more satisfaction you give them, the more they'll pull away.

You're not giving them a chance to miss you.

They won't miss you if you keep letting them know you're there.

 

Do feelings just all of a sudden go away if they know a their ex is still grieving over them?

I know people break up for reasons and there are reasons to not get back together.

But it's just kind of hard to believe that you can spend such a long time with someone and just

because you're the dumper doesn't mean it's easy for you too right?

[MikNomis]

It's just how attraction, value, and supply/demand works. It's behaviorial: we tend to attribute higher value to the things that are scarce. Things that are abundant can be had anytime.

[lilypadgirl]

No, if the dumper has at any point been sincere, then breakups are not easy for the dumper either. However, I do believe that dumpers have it easier than dumpees, assuming this isn't a forced dumper situation (dumpee wants out and acts badly to force being dumped). This is because most dumpers have thought about whether or not to stay in the relationship and made their decision to exit before the actual breakup. This gives them mental and emotional preparation for the breakup. Also, by initiating the breakup, dumpers don't feel the same loss of control and powerlessness that a lot of dumpees feel because they are in the proactive position.

 

That's not to say that dumpers don't have to heal and go through their own mourning periods. There's a lot of guilt associated with dumpers for inflicting all that pain on the dumpees. Most, healthy, decent people hate having to hurt others and the dumpee mourning reminds of the pain they inflicted and all that guilt. That is why they usually pull away - that guilt is difficult to handle and acknowledge and they know, short of getting back together, there is nothing they can do to alleviate that pain.

[Lucy3]

I agree with lilypadgirl, the dumper has already decided in their head that it is over before they have actual dumped their bf/gf, I imagine it is still hard for them but not nearly as hard as it is for the dumpee. The dumper has already had time to get used to the idea of not being with the person anymore, I suppose they feel a sense of relief as well, because their true feeling is now out in the open.

[LAMBS4LIONS]

Lilypad girl is right about forced dumpers, "dumpee wants out and acts badly to force being dumped". I was with my ex for 12 years and she behaved in a way that showed me that she neither loved me or respected me. As much as she said that she did love me, her actions said otherwise. Dumping her was the hardest thing i have ever had to do but i could tell that she didnt want to be in a relationship with me anylonger. We were on the verge of getting engaged but i believe she started having doubts. I have been in NC for almost 15 months except for one time where she let me know that she was engaged. I now know why she was starting to have doubts. She had someone waiting in the wings but she was too much of a coward to dump me because she didnt want to look like the villian. The girl is truly a monster for doing what she did.

 

I still mourn for our failed relationship while she is probably enjoying her new found love. I dont know if she will ever feel the loss and pain of our relationship but thats not my problem. It seems like she found it easy to fill the void that i left in her life and thats why i dont believe that both the dumpees and dumpers process the breakup the same.

[SometimesShy]

...I care about all my ex's and hope only the best for them, but I would never get back together with any of them because the reasons for our break-ups are still true today.

 

I am friends with one of them, but the others wanted to be more than friends so I had to stay NC with them.

[Nightdriver]

12 years here too, brother. Everything you say is true. Keep your head up.

[markie6]

i dont believe that both the dumpees and dumpers process the breakup the same

 

While it can be very dependent on the cause of the BU , this is very true. The fact is, it's the choice of the dumper to go. It's what they want and that makes it a lot easier to deal with. They are rejecting , not being rejected. The difference on how to deal with it can be huge.

 

Of course a lot of people here, youngesters or those who have never had to call time on a ltr can't get their head around both situations. I know it's not easy to hurt somebody , but I have never looked back after ending a rs.. I had good reasons, always told them the truth why, never sugar coated it and never strung them along. The only time I checked out emotionaly and dithered about letting somebody go was the first time I dumped somebody but was a lot younger and less wise then. That wasn't easy by any means but I have never regretted any of those decisions

[zep]

There are many different kinds of breakups, but I can comment on the kind that seem to happen out of the blue, or for no real reason. The reasons I gave my exes was "I just need to be alone right now". But both times I got into another relationship really quickly, so in reality I just needed not be be with my exes anymore. My feelings changed.

 

It was pretty depressing to fall out of love. You go from that *high* of romance to sort of being annoyed by your partner. Eventually I just didn't like being around them, I got a pit in my stomach and sometimes I felt uncomfortable when they were affectionate with me. I was really bummed about this because I was emotionally attached and I tried to get over my aversion feelings, but if the love isn't there what can you do? I felt like I had to get away. I would pick fights with them so they would become less attached too. This didn't really work very well. With one guy the more I pulled away the more clingy he got until I absolutely was disgusted with him. This was when I finally pulled the plug and ended it.

 

So basically, by the time I ended the relationships I was totally over it emotionally. Out of guilt and my own attachment I would try to hang on to the relationships and make them work, but by the time I dumped the guys I just had to get away from them. No amount of guilt could counter-act that. While they were feeling sad I was feeling relief, and actually by that point I barely thought about them at all.

 

Again, this is just the kind of breakup where one party falls out of love. But once you're out of love with someone, you break up with them because you DONT think about them or want to think about them.