Bringing back an older thread...

[britsk]

Please bare with me, I'm actually getting somewhere after this story!

 

I've been on and off with my (currently) ex for three years now. Two months ago we hit the biggest rough patch we've ever experienced when we found out I was pregnant. I had always said before hand I would terminate but when I found out I wasn't so sure anymore, he on the other hand was adamant that we could not keep it because we are still in college, don't have careers, etc...Anyway, we went through with it and afterwards everything went downhill leading up to this point. I know for a fact he has not faced what happened and he has told me the guilt he feels from taking the life of his baby and not giving himself time to think about it and also by not listening to me when I wasn't sure I wanted to go through with it. A week after all this I found out he was talking to a new girl, I was completely destroyed and we had strict NC after I told him I wish him the best. I ended up seeing a counselor and he continued talking to this new girl. Well, three weeks later was a big holiday here in our town and he text me to let me know if I would like to come to his house to see my old friends I was more than welcome to. I did, and he ended up walking me home and we got to talking and he told me how much he missed me and how he still loves me and still feels such a strong connection with me (even admitted to driving by my house/typing out a message to me a few times when he was wondering how I was doing) but he still hasn't been able to forgive himself or forget what happened. We ended up sleeping together that night. He told me how much he missed and loved spending time with me and I thought we may start talking again but remembered he still had this other girl in his life (who is four years younger than us and was actually caught with another guy while they were talking. He also hasn't slept with her yet, if that matters) so I asked him where we were supposed to go after what we had just done over the weekend and he told me he thinks we should both still try to move on. I'm really confused on this because I know that this new girl he's talking to doesn't mean much of anything to him when he told me he didn't care about what she did with another guy and actually got incredibly jealous after finding out I was interested in someone else. He told me that he is thinking about dating her after four weeks of talking because he thinks it is what is going to help him with his feelings towards our past and help him change. I did try a little bit to convince him to work on things with me but he was clear that he doesn't think we should until we have both had time to change and grow and until he can forgive himself for what happened. I ended up agreeing with him and wishing him the best and just asking him to slow down and really think about what he wants and what is best for him. So, my question(s)...

 

Are there any men on here that have dealt with having to terminate? How did you feel and how did it affect your relationship(s)?

 

Also, I read on another thread from a few years ago that letting an ex go through with their rebound and not interfering can actually end up bringing them back to you and I'd really like to bring that discussion back! Especially after we had gone through something so big like this and he has yet to face it or deal with his feelings for me.

 

Any thoughts?

[markie6]

Yes, had to deal with a termination early on in our relationship. Definitely not an easy thing to go through for all concerned. Somebody who helped me immensely on these forums pretty much said ( and I have come to learn from others ) that it does seem to wreck relationships, although I am sure there are cases where it hasn't.

 

You can find the " missing piece of my story" via my profile page and see the sort of things I thought and others views too.

 

As for the thread about not interfering in rebounds, post a comment on that thread as it is a good one and it won't only be you who benefits from it if it goes into circulation again

[britsk]

Thanks for the reply!

I've been searching high and low to get some input on how the guys deal with termination. I know that his guilt isn't just an excuse for him to leave me because he went through the whole process with me and was even there holding my hand during the procedure and seeing the pain I was in caused him to burst into tears but still assure me it was okay and it would be over soon. Also, he saw everything...lucky for me I was looking at a ceiling. I know he's still dealing with it and has yet to come to terms with it. I've assured him I am here for him whenever he decides he's ready to talk about it and he has told me he knows he needs help with it and he needs me for that, but not right now because he still can't forgive himself. I love him so much and I hate to see him harboring something like this, especially since it has ended up tearing us apart and it is something we both did ultimately agree on although he was more sure of it at the time than I was. I let him know that there is no need to feel guilty and I don't blame him for anything. I also let him know that even if we don't end up together I would really like him to find a way to deal with it so he can finally put his emotions to rest and find happiness again. I guess I'll just have to wait and see where this road takes us.

[markie6]

Yep it's not an easy situation to go through for anybody and the aftermath will cause problems. It put me into therapy and that helped me a lot as well as being able to talk about it here. There are support websites out there but as it's an emotive subject for a lot of people. You get some good stories and some bad ones. Some helpful people and some less so.

 

I felt guilty for us being in the situation and given she ended up blaming for me for not stopping / trying to stop her was I suspect her way of dealing with the guilt she felt. Of course not being able to appreciate it wasn't so easy for me didn't seem to register. You hear horror stories of people who are frogmarched to the clinics , or dumped the second it's over. I don't think there is enough support for all concerned afterwards. It wasn't something I felt easy talking about too which I mention in my thread.

 

You'll just have to let him work through his issues and take care of yourself