What should I do?

[Varex]

Hello,

 

This is my first time posting. My names Matt and I'm 23 years old.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend of nearly 3 years in January (her decision). From what I've been told by her was because she has had a lot of things to deal with, both emotionally and physically (family issues). She claimed it wasn't my fault for the break up but those reasons above. She asked for space and me being the silly sausage that I am thought "If I give her space she'll forget about me" or something along those lines.. This turned out to be a bad move and she said "This is why we'll never get back together"

 

I then left her alone, this was a few weeks ago and this weekend randomly text me saying "Love you" on a night out with her friends. When I asked her about it she said "I really missed you" and we spent the Sunday together, we had a really good day and had sex several times. This puzzled me as I didn't know what to take from it.

 

That evening we were on the sofa together and she said "I do want to get back together, but I don't want things to be like before" after trying to reassure her this wouldn't happen she went on to say "Give me a few more

Months to clear my head"

 

I didn't know what do at this point so I said take your time. The next day (yesterday) she asked if I wanted to go out for lunch.

 

We spent the majority of the afternoon to early evening together (again had sex) and she then said "I want to be with you, but no right now. When we do get back together I want to be forever and have no regrets"

 

This is where I'm confused the most. She hasn't lied to me and said she has been speaking to other boys but reassured me that it's only when she's bored and they send her a message. She's a very attractive girl who has always had attention from people which I've had to deal with since we began going out.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I do love this girl and could see myself having a real future (marriage, children etc) with her but I don't know what to do right now...

 

Any sort of advice is welcome.

Thanks for your time

 

(This was sent on my phone so I apologise for any bad spelling)

[Ne Moe]

Well, stop thinking about her for a minute. What do you want?

 

Seems to me what she is offering you at the moment is a casual relationship, no commitment and no exclusivity. Basically that she can call and text and have sex with you while also being single.

So, are you ok with sharing her? Do you think if she is seeing other guys and also keeping you on the hook, that you will be fine with that indefinitely and then be able to marry her when she thinks it's time?

 

If you proceed with this, you will resent her and be mad at her. You will get hurt and in my opinion, you guys will not be able to build a healthy relationship again because too much will have happened.

 

If you want to get her back I think you need to cool it. You can maintain contact with her but stop having sex with her and start getting your life together without her.

Minimise contact. The odd text, email or call is fine. Let her initiate it. If you think you guys are going to end up sleeping together then don't meet up with her.

 

You can stay kind and be nice to her. Stay being the guy she fell for. But don't tolerate the scraps she is throwing from the table. You deserve better.

 

She basically wants to see what else is out there. She might be back, she might not. But in the meantime you should also start finding out and exploring what life is like as a single person. You can't do that if you're in a one-sided relationship with her.

 

And if she does come back, make sure she's in it for real. Date for a while before sleeping together. You need to know it's more than just her looking for sex and attention.

[Edmund Exley]

Have you taken any time to discuss with her what it is she is afraid will be like before? You started off saying that the break up was due to her stress from factors outside the relationship, yet there is something INSIDE the relationship that is causing her fear that there wont be a change. This may be the cause of your confusion, not knowing/understanding her true reasoning for the split.

[daddids]

What I would suggest you to do is lay back and be as distant as possible. If she has issues to resolve concerning your relationship, hooking up once in a while acting like everything is ok is not helping her at all, even if she doesnt understand it.

Pick up her calls, reply to any messages she sends but keep your distances, and if she asks you to meet find an excuse to avoid it.

She must feel your absence in order to know whether she misses you for real and wants to be with you or not.

[Edmund Exley]

What I would suggest you to do is lay back and be as distant as possible. If she has issues to resolve concerning your relationship, hooking up once in a while acting like everything is ok is not helping her at all, even if she doesnt understand it.

Pick up her calls, reply to any messages she sends but keep your distances, and if she asks you to meet find an excuse to avoid it.

She must feel your absence in order to know whether she misses you for real and wants to be with you or not.

 

This is not a good solution. She already has showed and told him she misses him. The need to discuss what it is that she is fearful of and how to resolve it.

[daddids]

She has shown that she misses him but she has also shown that she does not want to be with him.

She has asked for time to think and make sure she really wants to be with him. I really do not think there is something here for them to discuss.

 

When a girl says things like I want to be with you but not now, give me time to think about it, if we finally get together I want it to last, there is something else going on. Either it is another guy involved or she is not strong enough to tell you its over. Same thing was going on with my best friend and his ex gf, she was saying all those crap, he was there for her waiting and talking over it and blah blah blah and a few months later he found out she was talking with other guys, actually she had hooked up with one a couple of time, but she talked to him just to make sure he was around in case it did not work out with the other guy. He cut off all communication, deleted his fb, and now ( 5-6 months later ) she is begging him to get together, he does not want to but he uses her just for sex ( not the best behavior but she deserved it ).

[markie6]

+1 Obviously something missing in here and it's imperative you find out what this is ( if you don't already know ofc )

Have you taken any time to discuss with her what it is she is afraid will be like before? You started off saying that the break up was due to her stress from factors outside the relationship, yet there is something INSIDE the relationship that is causing her fear that there wont be a change. This may be the cause of your confusion, not knowing/understanding her true reasoning for the split.

[squirl]

she then said "I want to be with you, but no right now. When we do get back together I want to be forever and have no regrets"

 

As a woman, translation: She wants to put you on the shelf until she is done playing around with other guys. She assumes you will be the same just as she left you.

 

Your response: "People change, I will change and so will you. Good luck with that but we will be different people by the. Meanwhile I am going to look for someone who likes me the way I am enough to grow together."

 

It's understandable to break up but unrealistic to expect you to want her when she's done having her fun.