Being dumped for someone else? Cheer up! It is for the best

[Computer Geek]

Being dumped for someone else is perhaps once of the worst ways for a relationship to end. You feel rejected, replaced, and powerless to do anything because no reconciliation is possible -- their heart now belongs to someone else. This kills your self-esteem, hope, and dreams in one fell swoop. It challenges your very core and sends you into a deep sadness.

 

What often compounds this is that the dumper chooses not to reveal the truth, masking the reality of the situation in order to protect themselves and their own image. Sometimes they may even believe they are doing it to spare you additional hurt, but all it does is make you all the more confused when they throw out excuses for breaking up. Later when the truth comes out you feel as though it was doubly painful and in the end they have spared you nothing.

 

The reality is they don't love you any more. Their feelings have changed and there is nothing you could have done about it. The relationship was a ticking time bomb and was going to go off at some point no matter what you did. In fact, if you saw the red flags earlier your best bet would have been to end things yourself. In order to understand why this is you have to understand that the dumper has made a decision based on their true feelings for you. THEY let the relationship fall apart. No matter how much they try to blame you, it was them that didn't respect you enough to give you the best chance to maintain the relationship.

 

It all starts with them meeting someone else. Sparks fly, interest builds, and slowly over time they develop feelings for this other person. Over that same period of time they start to withdraw their feelings for you and place it into the arms of their new interest. The dumper has made the conscious decision to devote their feelings to this other person. What if they spent that same effort to improve their relationship with you instead? They sabotage any chances you have in maintaining the relationship by continuing contact with this other person and sharing themselves with them. Consider some of the ways we build trust with one another: we run into a very hard situation in which we are feeling uneasy and unsure of what to do, so we consult with our partner to get advice and vent. If the dumper already did this act with someone else they will not want to do it again with you. They have thus deliberately damaged your relationship with them by denying you the chance to bond.

 

It's not that they don't love you while this happens, it's that they can't share true intimacy with multiple people at once. It's why they can seemingly love two people at once because they are sharing themselves with both. Their feelings thus change over time because THEY chose to act in a way that destroys your bond and eventually favour the new person enough that it tips the scales. It's not your fault that their feelings have changed, it's their own fault. So cheer up, the relationship ending the way it did is for the best. Clearly the people who do this do not have the relationship at heart or they would have recognized the threat and responded appropriately.

 

You deserve better!

[stranger88]

When people say 'you deserve better' I dislike how it rates people on a scale. You hear posters then say "Oh but my ex was 'better' because of so and so reasons". But in reality, you deserve someone who wants you whole heartedly and recognizes your qualities as a person. That person will always be better than someone who doesn't respect you.

[DivineWine]

Thank you Computer Geek. I could not have said it better and I couldn't agree more. I may refer to your post when/if I end up in a new relationship and we end up discussing our feelings on this subject.

[MonsterM]

Well,I do have the same situation here,we've been dating for 1 year...and she is with a guy who is complete loser...she has seen him 2 times before they started dating...she dumped me and he is "in a relationship" on Facebook with her 2 weeks after...I doupt they had sex.Now she is parading with the relationship on facebook,which makes me feel reliefed that I saw her true herself how insecure and unstable she is...I have talked to her and she has told me this is her way of dealing with the pain...a rebound...not that she likes him,but she couldnt help herself of the loneliness.Anyway people jumping from long term relationship to rebounds are very poor people...and Im glad I found it now rather than later...she comes from a small town where she was a princess,coming to the big city where she is nobody...and posting pictures of every going out...even when with me...she has complexes...a lot of them...and Im glad I saw it I was expecting such thing to happen.

[Limiya]

Great post.

Describes my situation to a T.

I am already realizing that there was nothing i could have done differently if he was already shifting his focus to someone else.

I would never go back to how things are for the exact reasons you stated in your post.

I too deserve better

 

Thanks,

Limiya

[Computer Geek]

After having gone through this myself I now recognize all the red flags and also realize that this person obviously didn't have enough respect for our relationship to do something about it. We were long distance, both in grad school, and things started to get stressful. I couldn't see her as much or spend as much time with her as I had to focus. During this time she met someone else and during the times I was unable to be with her she would share things with him.

 

If I take my lesson now and look back to see how I would have acted different, I would have ended the relationship 2 months prior after my gut told me something wasn't right. I couldn't attend a Halloween party with her as it was the night before I had other plans and needed to make the long trip back home. I asked her before I left if any of her friends were going along with her and what costumes they were bringing. She told me one of the girl friends I had met was going as a pirate and I told her to make sure she took lots of pictures of all the costumes.

 

The next day I asked her to send me some photos and she sent me 3. Later on Facebook she uploaded the Halloween party set and it was 6 photos. Curiously the three photos she didn't send me directly were of a guy I didn't know wearing a pirate costume and her wearing his hat at one point. It struck me as odd that her friend she said she was with wasn't in any photos. Fast forward to today, and it all makes sense now -- that guy is actually the one she left me for 2.5 months later. I should have confronted her about it but in my mind she was trustworthy and let it slide. If she had any respect for me at all she would have avoided this person at all costs because it was ripping us apart day by day.

[sportsguy9981]

When somebody leaves you for somebody else, people usually dont realize that the other "rebound" could get married, have kids and live a happy life with the person that you were with. This is what makes it very hard. Rebounds, replacements, whatever you want to call them can and do work out for your ex. Thats the sad reality of it. Im not saying all of them do, some of them are just temporary and then they realize that they dont really care for the rebound as much as they thought, once the honeymoon phase is over, but some people I believe are so selfish and so immature that they end up marrying the person they left you for and then find out that they arent happy eventually, or they may turn out to fully move on with that other person and find out that this is indeed what they want. It really all depends on the situation, but the thought of it working out with someone else is very hard for me to accept, since I havent even dated anybody in over 5 months. I feel pretty alone and Ive tried hard to get strong on my own but its difficult when you dont have the support you need other then family members. Its like we were thrown into this situation and left to fend for ourselves and our ex is having the time of their lives. I really dont think anybody has hurt me this much before, but like somebody else said in this earlier you should have seen the red flags, but when our ex lies to you and tells you things are ok, you sort of believe them after almost 5 years together.

[Computer Geek]

Unfortunately we have to learn from it and just let it be an experience. When the red flags show, we have to address them and if they lie then it's clear they don't have respect for your relationship. It's especially disappointing for people who are long term or married/kids because rather than spend all their effort on the marriage they choose to spend it with someone else and destroy what they have built up over time with you. Often they will look back and regret their decision later, but always remember it's not your fault that this happened, it's theirs.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Great post Geek. Everything you said is true.

 

Unfortunately, it takes most of us months and months before we can accept the fact that the person we loved, respected, and cared for could and would do 'the ol' dump and replace' routine. It is very hard to not feel like you deserved it, or like you're the only one it doesn't seem right to. You question your value, and then you question your sanity. All this while the ex is in puppy love bliss, and NOT giving a damn about how hard it has been on you. They stay away not out of respect (in this scenario) but rather to avoid seeing wake of decimation they've left behind. They know what they did has hurt you, but they've put all their chips on this gamble, and thinking about the pain they've caused only spoils the jackpot they've just won. There is NOTHING more brutal than seeing the person you would have put your life on the line for, turn away and replace you as though you are nothing more than a used tissue.

 

I've been dealing with the aftermath of having been left for somebody else, for more than a year now. I constantly try to push it out of my mind. I pray every day for the ability to just let it all go ...to forget the pain, to forget her face. But still, sometimes it just takes me over and I start going over everything in my head, still trying to make sense of it.

 

And the reason I came on here today is because I had a dream about my ex last night (first time in a long time) and it has shaken me this morning. This thread has helped bring things back into perspective a little.

[Limiya]

FFF - Great post.

I completely agree with everything you just wrote above.

I am actually going through all those feelings you described. It's been 6 months since i saw him last or heard from him.

Today for no particular reason, i feel VERY angry. So angry in fact that all i can think of is hurting him and his new fiance as painfully as possible. The anger makes me feel frustrated and constantly on the verge of tears. The whole breakup keeps going over in my head, how stupid i felt, how awfully painful it has been to get through. I feel snappy towards people, and i never am. I just feel wound up and anxious.

 

I am sure it will pass off and i'll start feeling better soon, but today is a tough day for me!

I feel so inferior, and i keep questioning myself constantly. I know i need to work on my self esteem and confidence, but i want it fixed overnight!

 

Limiya

[elliefiz]

Oh my gosh every word of this is true. I am a newbie to the site and signed up to comment on this thread. I am at the beginning of the long road of getting over and moving on from my ex. We were living together and everything really was quie perfect until one day it wasnt and it never got better no matter how much i tried. I asked was there someone else- i was told i was paranoid, the fact i didnt trust him is the reason we were no longer working. But the thing was i had trusted him until he started giving me reasons not to. But he persuaded me that it was all me- i went to counselling to improve myself, i booked us trips, i did everything humanly possible to salvage our relationship.And yet he pushed me further and further away. Until I walked out 2 months ago because i had hit rock bottom and couldnt take it anymore. I couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, cried all the time but thought space apart might help us. Instead he changed his number and acted like i had never existed. I have just found out that he was cheating for the last few months of our relationship.And has moved the girl into our flat. I should feel relieved in that i was right, i wasnt a bad person- he said things like that to cover up for himself. But my god being right hurts so badly. I am being physically sick at the thoughts of them together in our flat, that we put so much time and money into decorating and they are laughing at me for being such a fool. I feel like i cant cope. I think in my heart of hearts i held a faint hope we would get back together. And now I know for sure it will never happen. And its horrible because i think of all the good times and seem to have blocked out the 2 months i sat at home wondering where he was, why he wouldnt answer the phone and if he was going to come home that night. And the fact that when questioned about things he became increasingly violent. Yet i would have him in back in a heartbeat. I tried to ask him why, just why he did all of this to me by sending him an email but he ignored me. I no longer exist as far as he is concerned. I am so hurt and upset about it all.

[surfjon]

I'm starting to wonder about my ambivalent ex-gf having someone on "standby".....no real red-flags, but I wonder how after 5 years she just bailed....

 

I don't really care anymore, I have walked due to her ambivalence for what ever reason, and I'm far enough down the road that it has no bearing on my healing at this point.....

Taking a year to just "date" people and get myself back in control.....

[Computer Geek]

elliefiz, you are not alone. Every single one of us that went through this felt the same things. The sheer amount of pain it causes can't even be fully described. Although it caused even more pain to learn the truth, at least the silver lining in it all is that we now have all the tools to move on and learn from it. You also now have first hand experience to know what to look out for and to recognize when you may fall into the same trap as the others -- except you will be better because you will not let another person interfere with your relationship knowing how damaging it can be. You are a better person than your ex in every way.

 

Emotional cheating is extremely destructive and the results of it are revealed in this thread.

[Snow93]

Great post and completely relatable. Once you take that step back and look at things for what they are you start to be able to finally take your ex off of that pedestal you place them on. Like you said, this is their fault that the relationship fell apart. They chose to place their feelings elsewhere instead of working on it.

 

I was going through a tough time and instead of helping me my ex just became more and more uninterested, of course by this point she could well have been seeing this guy already so that would explain why. I don't want to know and I think about it less and less these days. I take comfort knowing I did everything in my power to save this relationship. I loved her and would have out my life on the line for her but clearly she did not return the sentiment. I know I treated her right and while I have had some absolute low points I know I'm beginning to see this stronger version of myself emerge.

 

So people, like that...Just aren't worth being too upset over. We mourn not for this ex who replaced us, but for the person they once were. I don't want a relationship with this person so willing to throw away love in favour of lust. It's a blessing in disguise really.

 

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings"

[sportsguy9981]

I think it would help if I got the feeling that I want her to feel this pain as well out of my head.. thats the hard part of being replaced.. you want your ex to feel pain too. Its not fair that your ex is all happy, having a thrilling time having sex with a new person, and you are left alone to pick up the pieces.. and yet the only way to really move on from what people are saying is to not want your ex to feel pain, to really not have any feeling for your ex. This seems incredibly hard to do, who has done that and how long did it take? I know it will take different times for everybody but the feeling of indifference, the feeling of no more bad feelings seems forever away for me, I believe in my heart that this girl deserves to experience some kind of pain that I had to and that I am having right now, after using me and walking all over me. Did I start No Contact too soon? I really didnt have a chance to tell her off, thinking I would just regret it later.. I started No Contact the day after she broke up with me over the phone, thinking the sooner I started it the better I would be. I think I did the right thing because I didnt want to be her puppet while she was getting into bed with somebody else. But yet after 5 1/2 months of No Contact, I still want her to feel some kind of pain, it just doesnt add up if she doesnt and its not fair to me.

[stella m]

When people say 'you deserve better' I dislike how it rates people on a scale. You hear posters then say "Oh but my ex was 'better' because of so and so reasons". But in reality, you deserve someone who wants you whole heartedly and recognizes your qualities as a person. That person will always be better than someone who doesn't respect you.

 

I completely agree. I'm going through a fairly recent breakup with an otherwise great guy (which is what makes it hard!). To sum it up, nothing "bad" happened, it just wasn't "right". The two of us were very civil about the whole thing and agreed to each other that there is "a more perfect person for each of us". Meaning, we agree that the other person - whoever they may be - who we are meant to be with isn't necessarily a "better" person, just a better match.

 

That said, I do believe there are people who - for whatever reasons - are jerks, selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive, mean-spirited and just plain not good people. When those people bring those attitudes and actions in a relationship - in some of these cases, lying to you while they're moving on to someone else - then yes, there most definitely is someone who is a better match because they are a better person. And I think it's ok to take comfort in knowing that.

[gardnergirl2]

such good sentiments in this thread. As most people familiar with my story know, I was dumped and three weeks later the new one moved in. When I think back to those days, the pain I went through was gut wrenching. Some of it, I brought on myself. I remember one night watching as he drove away knowing he was going to get her. Had I not known so much, I would not have hurt so much. But, I did.

 

I have been in strict no contact for 2 months. No contact with him, his family, nothing. I have light communication with a female that knows him and is a friend, but according to her, they (she and her husband) hardly ever see him anymore since he has his new gal. Well, she isn't so new anymore. over a year. Based on what his mother told me the last time we talked, I want to offer this as well.

 

Somebody mentioned earlier in the thread that they (the ex) have placed all their chips with this new person, likening it to gambling. I like that analogy becuase I know for a FACT that my ex (according to things his mother said the last time we talked) isn't in total paradise with this woman. If I look at it for what it is, he is going to hold on as long as he can becuase so many people questioned him when they found out what kind of woman she is (I know this for a fact). He will want to prove that getting with her was not a mistake. Secondly, if he kicks her out, this woman literally has no place to go. She was bumming off a mutual friend (that's how they met) and she has not one thing to call her own. Knowing this, my ex will "feel bad" about just kicking her out, so she's set.

 

At first, when they moved in together in 3 weeks time (she "weaseled her way in" according to his mom. He is gone all week and she asked could she please stay at his place while he was gone, which lead to living their full time (and she pays nothing- doesn't work I might add or at least didn't last I knew, and hasn't had a full time job the whole time). Anyway, I digress.....I thought they would be married by last summer. I thought, "well, he has found the one." Now, I know that he will shack up with her as long as possible, but never make that permanent committment. OK, never say never, but I would be shocked. He is 42 and never been married, so I would be very surprised.

 

I say all of this to say, yes, they played all their cards on this new one, especially if they came out of a long term deal and went straight to it. So, we have to understand that this "rebound" might go on along time due to sheer pride. Does he love her? as best he can, probably. Will it last forever? I doubt it. Has he seen that the green grass isn't quite as green as he thought????? YES.....And that is a small victory for me.

 

As for me, I am finally over the greater part of the pain. Thank you, God. 14 months.... I still have moments, but I don't cry anymore and I am reminded that he chose to leave my life. let him leave. He believes the quality of his life with me out of it supercedes the quality of his life with me in it. Let him have his way. I cried so many tears over him, I think they could fill a lake. Finally, almost, my soul is at rest with the decision he made. I still don't understand why he had to hurt me so, but I really don't care why anymore. He did, and he doesn't deserve a loyal gal like me

 

I don't know if I will ever see him again or hear from him again, but finally, no contact isn't a daily struggle. Finally, I have peace back. I still think of him every day, but the tears don't fall. Thank you, God, and I wish that for all of us.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Your example is a great illustration of exactly why it is a gamble when they leap-frog to another relationship. They are ASSUMING that the grass will indeed be greener, and that despite the pain they must know that they will cause, still continue forward ASSUMING it will all be worth it. Well, I for one was made to believe that was I a "God send" when my ex and I were together. What the heck makes them think that "this one" will be different? Do they not remember that they were head over heals for us at one time too, and that that faded (obviously)? They decided that the value of retaining respect and compassion for us was simply not worth the effort. The foundation you thought you had built with this person turned out to be nothing more than an illusion. Brutal.

[sportsguy9981]

Another thing when you get replaced at least in my case is, how does my ex suddendly turn and give everything they gave to me to somebody else... it makes it very hurtful and does a number on your self confidence. You wonder if your even attractive anymore.. You suddenly feel like nobody really cares about you that deeply anymore, and think that as soon as somebody else comes along then the person that will care about you will be gone... I know all women arent like that but Im still waiting for one to prove me wrong.

[gardnergirl2]

FFF, funny you should say that about a godsend.....I was told on new Years Eve 2008 that I was brought to him by God, so essentially, another Godsend....I guess they ended up not liking what God sent after all.....

 

Sportsguy, I am that kind of girl, and lots of us girls aren't. I have found, though, that not all, but some, men are attracted to the glitz and glammer of the "hot" ones....and sometimes, those are high maintenance, high price (emotionally) girls. Not always, of course. Just saying what I have noticed. I am an average looking, half cute, middle aged woman with a 12 year old son. I don't do the bar scene, and I am very selective about who I bring around my son and what we do in front of my son. So, yea, kind of a boring old gal

[Computer Geek]

Another thing when you get replaced at least in my case is, how does my ex suddendly turn and give everything they gave to me to somebody else... it makes it very hurtful and does a number on your self confidence. You wonder if your even attractive anymore.. You suddenly feel like nobody really cares about you that deeply anymore, and think that as soon as somebody else comes along then the person that will care about you will be gone... I know all women arent like that but Im still waiting for one to prove me wrong.

 

There is simply no more room for you in their heart as they have chosen to make room for someone else. When you think of all the ways you bond with your partner, and the time it takes, you begin to realize that there really isn't much time nor enough room for more. Eventually one has to take priority and then the natural inclination is drop the one cold in order to give the other the best chance to build something long lasting.

 

In essence it's an admittance that the best way to build a relationship is to dedicate yourself to it knowing there is very little room for anyone else. The moment you make room for another is the moment one or both spiral into disaster. It's their choice to allow someone else in, and if they want that person to keep coming in they will have to drop you out. As I said, it is something they choose to allow and it is their fault for the relationship dying off despite what they may try to tell you.

[mg22]

Question i have : what if they made a mistake by dumping you for someone else, are they scared to contact us? my ex dumped me 1 1/2 years ago just wondering if he regrets it and is scared to contact me and find out ive moved on and happy .

[Computer Geek]

Question i have : what if they made a mistake by dumping you for someone else, are they scared to contact us? my ex dumped me 1 1/2 years ago just wondering if he regrets it and is scared to contact me and find out ive moved on and happy .

 

If they truly love you and regret dumping you then their greatest fear in life will be to lose you forever. By not asking, they are accepting their greatest fear is true. By reaching out there is at least a small chance that you won't be lost, and that small chance is greater than no chance at all.

 

This is why it seems like when we move is when they return -- they are afraid to lose you forever, especially if they are not in a good place. By not moving on they can safely go about other options while still keeping you as an option. Those who leave you for someone else lost their feelings for you because they put their heart into someone else, but once that new person is gone it's entirely possible that the void in their heart will be refilled by you and they will come back despite what they have done (assuming things were good when you were together for the most part). As long as they are happy where they are, and you are not happy where you are, there is no reason to think they will ever be back.

 

Regardless, they made their choice and we have no choice but to move on. If we accept that they made a gamble by leaving you for someone else, and we feel that this is too risky (as we would never do that ourselves), then we must also accept that waiting around is equally if not more risky.

[celebritychef]

Regardless, they made their choice and we have no choice but to move on. If we accept that they made a gamble by leaving you for someone else, and we feel that this is too risky (as we would never do that ourselves), then we must also accept that waiting around is equally if not more risky.

 

Agree with this entirely. Never, ever wait around for someone who flogged you off for someone else.

 

Relationships are based on compatibility, and you need to be in sync with your values. If you look at what your ex put you through, all you need to do is ask yourself: "Could I ever do that to someone?" If your answer is no, then you're not compatible. Simple as that.

 

It's entirely possible that your ex is happier with the other person - mine probably is. Good for her. But I also know that she's felt horribly guilty since the break-up - as I explained in another thread, she literally ran from a bar when she saw me in it, and looked physically ill. Her relationship might last; it might not. But her conscience isn't clear, and that will follow her, no matter who she's with.

 

So carry on with your head held high, and feel proud of yourself for not having the ability to hurt someone like your ex hurt you. It might be cold comfort now but, trust me: your conscience is your karma.

[GuyNamedBob]

Reading this thread has helped shed a new light on my recent break up! Some may be familiar with my story, but in a nutshell; we split because she felt like we'd been 'just friends' for a while and she couldn't shake that feeling.

 

We had our fair share of problems, but the biggest was our difference in needs physically. I tried adapting but it wasn't a quick process, not at all quick enough. I could never put my finger on why we had felt like 'just friends', until reading this thread. I can't say anything for certainty whether or not she felt the way she did because of another man, but it certainly fits...

 

I missed the warning signs right in front of in my face, blinded. I constantly made excuses for her in my head and kept quiet, like a fool. I knew she has male friends locally and back home, one in particular I knew she was pally with, texting often and connecting through social networking (warning sign)...when things were rocky with me, she'd always have someone else to turn to, to slowly move her feelings accross from me to him. So no matter how much I fought for the relationship and pleaded that this is just a rough patch and the future is bright, she was already seeing other options. My option was difficult and required effort.

 

The teaming up of our issues and her seeing other options eventually led to her being unwilling to fight for our relationship, and instead moving those feelings of lust elsewhere. Her loss is all I can say, she wont find another guy as trustworthy, loyal and dedicated as me!