Hmm.. kinda pointless but please read if you find the time

[nothingontheinside]

Okay well recently, I've been thinking a lot. I've been alone, just sitting in my room and writing or thinking, listening to some emo music in dark with candles lit around the room. It's so awesome to watch them flicker around me, and the room is almost perfection, except for one flaw, me. It would be perfect if I ceased to sit in the middle of it. I don't really know why I hate myself so much. It's probably because I judge myself really hard and if I mess up the slightest bit, I enlarge it into a big deal. I guess in some ways, most people do this too, but I punish myself because of it. I run a smooth shiny metal blade accross my skin, slowly feeling the skin tear and the blood start to form into small balls at the opening of the wound. I lie my head back after the first cut, because usually the first cut, is the best. What have I done this time? I reflect onto the past couple of days. Saturday I might have ruined a friendship with two of my really close friends, I think it was just a misunderstanding from what I said, but maybe I was just being a major bizzitch and don't remember it, but I doubt I would intentionally hurt someone so close to me. Apparently I said that my friend doesn't deserve her boyfriend, but if anything, I would say that he doesn't deserve her, he's cheated on her twice… or maybe its three times and I don't see how she could forgive him, I know I wouldn't or if I did it would be really hard for me. It's been 5 hours and 37 min since the last time I cut. I have the words I'm Sorry in my left forearm and my wrist totally cut up and a bunch of other cuts around it. There have to be more than 80. Diabolical thoughts corrupt my mind and I don't think that there's anything to do to get them out of my mind. Even when I cut they still remain, just diminish to a very slight variation or the thoughts. I still think of suicide a lot too, especially now that I'm failing many classes. I don't think I have too much of a future. The reason I'm failing is because I was in Children's Hospital for 11 days or so; yes, the mental place, and I missed much school I got behind in my classes. Schools not my best thing or whatever to do, I'm not that intelligent, you might be able to tell from the way I write, pretty childish and uncomplicated, unsophisticated for a fifteen year old girl, if you know what I mean. Also theres my mom… I know I know its long but I'm almost done, I swear. She judges everything by how society sees it, but what is society exactly? Webster defines it as A group of humans broadly distinguished from other groups by mutual interests, participation in characteristic relationships, shared institutions, and a common culture. So I guess I'm in society too right? Well then why would I discriminate against people who dress like me, which I guess people would classify as punk/goth/emo/ska kinda. Why do people label? If I had one wish it would be a world without labels, I'm so sick of them. Just because someone has their tongue pierced doesn't mean that they smoke pot or are bad kids. I'm not allowed to hang around certain people because of the way they look, like the color of their hair or whatever. My mom is so conservative its driving me crazy! Theres so much more too. I mean seriously who gets grounded for blowing their nose wrong? I do…

So I guess the reason I'm posting is for advice I suppose. Advice for anything, everything. Or maybe it was just to get some emotion out, to share with some people who I don't really know and I know some people are going through the same things, or similar or just random people who could care less. But I guess if you could care less, would you have read this whole thing?

 

oh well

have a good day.

~ness

[antzca2000]

I think you need to build a little confidence in yourself.

 

Your room is only perfect because you were there to see it. If no one was there in that room it would have never been perfect. I saw a good quote once "if a branch falls but no one was close enough to see it or hear it, did the branch really fall at all?!"

 

I know someone very close to me who just like you, felt so many flaws in herself and anything that happens would set her down.

 

In the end though, you have to be aware that no one is responsible for the way you feel. Cutting yourself will not convince someone to love you more. You have to be in 100% in control of your own emotions. How can anyone else love you if you cant love yourself?! (I've had a crush on me since i was 5)

 

Theres always tomorrow, and personally when I feel bad about something I wait for the next day to come. I see it as a new start, a clean slate. When you wake up tomorrow, why not take a more optimistic view of life instead?

 

life is too precious for you to wither away like this, if you dont live every second for what it's worth, one day you'll look back and find yourself left with nothing but old age and alot of regrets.

 

I think it was a queen's last words "All my possessions, for one moment of time". You'll never get a chance to relive the hours you spent cutting yourself. If you feel bad about life at least do something constructive to divert your rage. Go play tennis or something.

 

I hope everything turns out alright for you, my friend is alright now and it pleases me to no end to see her so happy. Dont let your mother or the rest of the society get you down, don't compromise on your beliefs. Just cause society pressures you into doing something doesnt mean you have to.

[Mserious]

You don't need to be so hard on your self. Sometimes stuff happens because it's got to happen. It's not your fault. To make mistakes is completely human. We all do. But I disagree with self harm, because it may cause permanent scars. You don't want that. Besides, cutting won't bring your friends back, if anything, it might make them get even farther away from you. About the labels, I completely don't agree with those. I wish ppl would stop judging others just because of the way they dress or the music they like to listen to, or their beliefs. I wish I could help you more. But all I can say is that there's no reason for you to self harm, and I hope you can stop doing it. I know sometimes people need to talk to others to get things out of their system, and then it makes them feel better. There's people in this site who would always like to listen. I'm one of those... I really hope things get better for you.

[Stinkweed]

Ok, I can't stress how much I hate ppl who label others... I hate them with all my heart. I mean, I for one don't believe in that. It's ridiculous. I come from a country where they didn't have any of those, which was great. But labels just get on my nerves. I mean, I for one don't have a label. I listen to heavy metal music especially grindcore and extreme Death metal, but I don't dress like someone who likes that kind of thing (I just dress how I feel comfortable, ex: baggy pants, etc. and my hair is the way I like it, not the way "my kind of ppl" is supposed to have it, like I said on a previous post). But I hang out with all kinds of people. I have friends who do dress up like people who listen to metal, I have goth friends, I hang out with all kinds of ppl. Because I don't give a crap about labels. They're just a stupid way of making even more stupid people feel better about their stupid selves. As for the cutting, I suggest you stop doing that. There are many ways. You could get other hobbies, you could go out for a run, the possibilities are almost endless.

[somanaomi]

you created your room. you made it to be like that. you liked what you created. does that tell you something?

[TrippedAngelyahoo.com]

I stumbled onto this link purely by Coincidence while surfing the web... felt a bit called to it as it hits close in a lot of ways.

 

I think you already know the advice you will probably be told... stop cutting, you're fine the way you are, don't beat yourself up, feel better...

 

Other people have told you this, and from you post, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you've heard this before. I'm also gonna go out on a limb and am gonna guess that it hasn't worked, as you are still writing posts like these.

 

Words, advice and sypathies are all nice, but don't amount to a great deal in the long run. Action is what counts. If you want to stop cutting, if you want to stop feeling this way, feeling this endless despair DO something.

 

I'm gonna guess your reaction to that is "There is nothing TO do"... feeling helpless and overwhelmed... that's how I get, and those I know that struggle with these things get. This is not true, you can do things... they are just hard and uncomfortable.

 

First step is easy, talk with someone who really cares. I'm gonna suggest your mother. You say she grounds you a lot, looks at who you go out with, very picky and conservative... it might be stiffling, but I'm guessing it's because she cares. If she cares you should go talk with her... reveal what you've done, and what you've been feeling.

 

Might have some problems that go down from it... might get messy... but like any room, often it'll get messier in the process of cleaning it.

 

If your mother doesn't work try a councler... not a school councler, those people tend to be as apt to handle psychology as a Fast Food Clerk. There should be city help lines available, that you can call in for free.

 

I know it sounds pretty out there coming from a complete stranger, but I've almost lost friends to cutting... and have lost some due to suicide. I myself have stood shaking over a sink with a razor to my wrist... I have stared out a window trying to guess how I can fall so that I'll break my neck. My GirlFriend of almost a year now, struggles with these thoughts... and time and time again I see the one thing people have to do to get out of this despair.

 

You have to ask for help to get out.

 

Nobody can get through life on their own. Some people look like they can, but it's all phoney. It's all fake. Ask for help from people willing to give it. They are out there...

 

I'm not sure what faith you follow if any... right now I'm not sure exactly what I do. But I'll pray for you.

 

Keep Safe.

[Moonlight80]

All you've mentioned are things that you don't like about yourself and all the negativity that's around you. Did you ever try to look for things that aren't so bad in your life? Things that you actually like about you? Even if they're aren't according to your mom and society... it does not matter. As long as you respect your mom... always, but don't forget, your life is about you. It is your choices that matter.

 

Make choices according to what makes you happy and where you want to be in life. Cutting yourself may make you feel better - but you must substitute that with something that is less harmful to you.

 

Life is such a gift, you must embrace it. Don't worry about what society thinks, even if you fit in their circle, they'll still have things to say about you. Do what feels right to you... your lifestyle and choices are your business. One thing to keep in mind is your family and friends, ya know those that really matter to you. Try and think about them every time you choose to do any harm to yourself.

 

Best of luck to you.