confused about what to do now...

[aubrey21]

Long story short: my boyfriend left me in December 2012 to pursue a relationship with a girl he just met. His reason for ending things was "he just didn't feel the same way and never could" and "I had hurt him too much". We had known each other for 3 years. We were each others first love. I'm 22 and so is he. He was in love with me and pursued me for 1.5 and we dated for 1.5. Things got messy in the end when we fought a lot (our fights had to do with me not being ready to have sex and him really wanting it...then when I'd accuse him of being pushy hed distance himself emotionally and I'd get mad. So our fights were based around that). I didn't cheat, and no one was abusive.

 

 

Anyway after crying/pleading, I went NC for 2 mnoths. In Febrary we began LC and on February 14th we randomly had coffee...this wasn't planned. We bumped into each other.

But we had fun and I apologized for hurting him nonetheless and told him I've been happy and well (whcih was true!)

 

During coffee he told me things were going great with his gf...that he felt really strongly about her and that they would try long distance even tho she's permenantly moving away to the states this summer. ***. This is coming from a guy who told me he hates communicating via technology...now all of a sudden after 2 months with a girl he's gonna change that? Anyway the confusing thing was he said he still has strong feelings for me, misses me a lot and tells people all the time how much he misses me. He thinks about me all the time, but is just too hurt by my words to be together again. He also kept acting jealous of any guy I'd talk about. I mentioned a common friend of ours and how we are gettig close and he said "oh don't get too close to him he's awomanizer he'll hurt you." Then I mentioned going to a formal with a friend-date of mine and he said "ha that guy sounds really cool...not. He sounds lame". Its like he couldn't be happy with any guy I'd talk about...

 

I asked him how he'd feel if I started seeing someone and he said "well I can't say I'd be okay with it but I obviously can't tell you what to do. But don't wait for me because things are going well with my gf and we're going to do long distance even though she said she couldn't see herself doing it before she met me."

Now he's proposing we be friends and he even texed me from the airport "goodbye see you in a week" before he left for spring break vacation in cuba w/his fam.

 

I'm so confused. Do I tell him I wanna continue NC? Do I try being friends? His gf lives far but me and him live in the same town...is he just keeping me as backup even tho he told me to move on?? I don't want him back because he's hurt me so much, I just wanna know *** his deal is.

 

 

My friends tell me he's just keeping me around in case the long-distance relationship falls apart with his gf. It may. Considering they've only known each other for 2 months, neither of them are too attached to technology, and they are several time zones away from wach other with no chance of being in the same town any time soon.

 

 

 

P.S. Another weird thing is before he got together w/ this girl he said she was not nearly as gorgeous as me, and that I was the most brilliant/funny woman he'd ever met. He just "has to move on" because our relationship was so foul. We fought a lot near the last 6 months. I just don't get how he can go from saying "he's not sure about her" to "I feel so strongly about her and I'm invested in her" in just 2 months?!

[Wunderbarrr]

Did he explicitly told what you did say what 'hurt' him so much? Because to me it sounds as an abusive relationship; you weren't ready for sex yet, he withdraws emotionally and you get mad about that and he gets more mad. Don't get this wrong, but unless you led him on by making sexy remarks/touching him in places or any other excessive behavior, or made promises like 'next week', but then you postponed it every week, he has no right to get mad at you at all. You made clear that you weren't ready yet, for whatever reason that might be.

 

Emotional withdraw is actually a form of emotional abuse, it's a manipulative act to punish you.

 

Now I might understand his point of view IF you had sex before him and he knows about it, voluntarily of course. But this still doesn't mean he can act this way towards you, he could have talked about it to you, trying to understand various reasons etc., whether you had sex or not before him. As far as I know, he didn't do so and/or didn't respect your wants. If he really needed sex that bad, he could have left you earlier as soon as you made clear you're not ready yet. Although that doesn't sound 'nice' of him to do, it's the most honest thing. It doesn't mean sex is more important for him than love, it might mean sex is just as important as any other thing for him.

 

Anyway, his behavior right now regarding the new gf is in fact really weird, switching around his boundaries, not even to think about the fact that a LDR highly limits sex, so I can't see really understand his motives to get involved with her other than either to get you jealous or... well, I don't understand, to get attention from someone else?

 

If you want NC, tell him, block his number etc and move on. In anyway, also regarding his new relationship, something sounds fishy to me about his behavior (with you, but also with his new gf). The fact it goes that quick, a few emotional abusive traits... I don't know, he might have some issues. Stick your head up, move on, be happy it happened now and not 3 years later.

[aubrey21]

No I never led him on. From day 1 of us getting serious I told him we wouldn't have sex. But he always brushed it off thinking I'd change my mind. We never got very physical either. Like no oral sex/hand jobs. His roommates made fun of him and told him to "move on" (I guess because he was 22 and a virgin). He started acting really emotionally distant last summer. Wouldn't see me/ talk much etc. I goot angry and asked if he was only using me for sex and he would get mad at my accusation. Then I'd call him sick and perverted if those were his intentions and he'd get more mad/withdraw more. Anyway, in the end I was glad I lost him over losing my morals. Though I'm still really hurt by the whole situation. Gah I'm generally such a happy person, and talking to him after 2 months NC put me in such a bad mood lol. Of course he misses me. He was in love with me and I rejected him physically and that probably hurt his man-ego. I don't know what he's thinking with the LDR...probably too afraid of being single cuz his family life sucks and he doesn't have a lot of friends.

 

 

 

 

In retrospect I don't know what I was thinking - did I really think a man would stick around longer than this one did if I wasn't going to sleep with him? Of course a man his age wants to explore and he was probably sexually frustrated. Sucks. Its almost like society wants me to choose between having a boyfriend or keeping my virginity until I feel ready...

 

Anyway, I think I'll go NC with him. He can contact me if he wants and I'll keep a friendly/sweet/short approach, but if he thinks we'll hangout and I'll be the sweet girl I always was to him, he can think again. I feel bad that I broke NC with him for a week in Feb....that's forgivable right?