Need advice about the ex situation...

[supergurl]

Hi all-

 

This is my first post, so bare with me while I provide some history. My ex and I were together for 6 years...lived together for about 2 years. We were each other's first loves. Things began to go sour the last 8 months or so in our relationship. No cheating was involved, but we had communication problems. He decided that once our lease was up on our house, that he wanted to move 2.5 hours away and go back to school and live on his own. All of a sudden, I was not in his future plans anymore and of course, I was completely heartbroken. After he told me that, I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. Nothing I did was ever right, I never listened, etc....so eventually, we ended up breaking up.

 

He tried calling me for a couple of months but I would never call him back because I wasn't ready. One day, I finally was and we talked for a while about what happened. He thanked me for calling him back and asked if he could call me again. He did call again a month or so later, telling me that he had to see me, talk to me, that he just could not move on...so, I agreed to that. We met up about 5 months after we broke up and spent the afternoon together. I asked him why he was there and what he wanted from our meeting. I also told him that if he wanted closure from me that it wasn't fair...he said he just wanted to see me. He told me how miserable he was and I asked him if he ever thought of us being a couple again. He said that yes, he had thought about it, but he didn't want to rush right back into things because if we did, nothing would change-and I agreed. So, we ended up seeing eachother again about 6 weeks later..we ended up sleeping together and later he said that maybe we should not have done that because of the "connection"...as he was saying that HE was crying...not me..

 

Fast forward a month or so. I had just decided that I wasn't really going to try to make contact with him anymore because I wanted to move on with my life. He wanted me to call him, but I was stubborn and didn't do it....I really just didn't think there was much to talk about. He was the one calling me all of the time..I enjoyed hearing from him, but I did not like the fact that hearing from him made me happy (is that twisted or what?) Anyways, he kept calling me one night and I called him back. I asked him if he had found a job yet and he told me that he had just gotten a job up here in the city that I live in and that he was thinking of going back to school about an hour away from here and moving back. I told him that he could stay with me that weekend if he would like-so he came over.

 

The weekend was a lot of fun with him. We hung out, talked about the problems that we had-both shed some tears. We watched movies together, went out to dinner, and yes, slept together again. I have talked to him more in the past week than I have in the entire 8 months that we have been broken up. We didn't spend this weekend together-he stayed with one of his local friends. But he called me and told me what his plans were. I have to admit that I wanted to see him this weekend and I was a little upset that I didn't get the chance. He is supposed to bring me some stuff that belongs to me when he comes back this weekend to work and I want to tell him that I would like to see him if he doesn't have plans. I really don't know what to think about all of this. Does he want to get back into my heart slowly, am I just a bootie call to him?? I have enjoyed the time together and I don't want to mention getting back together just yet because I want him to bring it up...I want to enjoy the moment and not push the subject. Sorry for the novel..but I am one confused girl!! HELP!

[crookster_man]

Welcome Supergurl, well to answer your first question I highly doubt you are a booty call. It's extreamly rare for someone to fake that level of emotion for a piece. Quite frankly there are a million easier ways to get laid then that. So without being any more blunt I would cross that concern off your list.

 

It sounds like you are a responsible woman in control of your life. The confusion you are feeling right now is normal in your situation. Quite frankly it appears he is interested in you and wants to move forward, the balls really in your court. I agree you should move fast but the choice to be more open is up to you.

 

As long as his presense in your life is a positive factor then I say keep him around. But if it is draging you down then you need to rethink your logic for continuing to see him.

 

I wish you the best of luck, please let us know what happens.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I think you have been doing very well in handling this situation with your ex boyfriend. From what I gather he was a bit confused and is finally coming around and has feelings for you. I think everything looks good.

 

What I would do if I was in your shoes is to not have sex with him again until I know where the relationship is at. I know this is hard to do, but this is obviously causing you some worry. There is no need if you just step back a bit and get on the same page as him. Right now you are trying to make this work, you are going slowly it seems... and you are doing it the right way. It's much better to get into the physical aspect of the relationship once you have established the emotional again.

 

Good luck and I hope it all works out.

[cassiana]

It sounds to me like he cares but isn't sure. A breaking point like this is not unusual in a long relationship. You must decide what you want and make certain of what he wants. Then if you do reconcile this new beginning will allow you better communication in the future if you push that as an issue. Use this as a time to outline what you need and what he needs. Then if it works out you could end up better than before.

[supergurl]

Thanks everyone for your replies...Deep down I feel like the one thing that I could improve upon in the way I have been handling this situation is to stop sleeping with him when I see him...it is so hard though because still care deeply for him and have "those feelings." And to be honest....I enjoy it! We should probably be talking instead of sleeping together, you know?? But anyways, I believe he still has feelings for me, but whenever he comes to see me, it's always "I will bring you your stuff and see how you are doing," It's like..give me my stuff already so that you can't use that as an excuse! The weekend he spent with me though..he could have spent with his friend..or mom, so I believe that he wanted to see me and later he told me that he enjoyed the weekend and had fun. So...I don't know. I think he still cares...but he isn't so sure about us right now. I feel the same way, but if he told me he wanted to work things out...I would agree to that..he just has to ask..and I am such a hard a** about it that it bothers me that I would agree to let him back into my life too quickly.....

[Mun]

Supergirl I know what you are saying because alot of us have a problem with control. We want instant gratification. The bad thing is that in a relationship that is not always the best way to go.

 

Pace yourself. Think long term instead of short term. I know it won't be easy.. try it and see how you feel. If he loves you he will respect that you want to move slowly.

[supergurl]

My problem is that I am soooo impatient, but at the same time very afraid of getting hurt again by this guy. I would like for him to come and stay with me this weekend instead of him going to his friends' house but I don't want to seem desperate and that I have no life! I just really enjoyed his company last time. So, do you think I should tell him that I would like to see him this weekend if he does not have plans?

[shockeddismayed]

Supergirl,

 

First let me say I really sympathize with your plight. My EXGF and I broke up around the same time as you did, and had been following a similar confused one step forward two step back pattern.

 

However in our case, the problem was TOO MUCH of the serious talks, and not enough intimacy (whereas you seem to be going too much the other way).

 

My advice to you would be to continue on as you are (as much as possible). I agree with the others... perhaps it is time to take sex out of the equation. Perhaps not entirely, but try and think of this "relationship" as something brand new with someone you do not know all that well. It is similar in that you BOTH need to slowly break through the pain and barriers that are preventing an immediate reconcilliation. So take your time with that.

 

In the meantime, the positive is that (while you won't be having sex) you can STILL keep working at the romantic parts of your new relationship. Perhaps dating, holding hands, flirting, kissing, etc are things that you can work back into things now. This may help you rediscover the newness you once felt and hopefully allow you to slowly reveal your hearts again... stop and try to remember that period 6 years ago... it likely didn't REALLY happen overnight (ie even if you "hooked up" quickly, there would still have been a slow progression toward emotional intimacy). This is where you are again.

 

My advice? If he is going to be in town on the weekend... 1) DO NOT invite him to stay at your house... that is probably NOT something you would do with a new boyfriend at such an early stage (too much time in an emotionally vulnerable place for both of you). but 2) instead, there is nothing stopping you from inviting him out on a date. Do something that you will both enjoy, grab dinner, shop in a market, hold hands, whatever... and then at the end of the date... end the date. Tell him you had a great time, you'd be happy to see him again, etc.

 

Show him with your lead that "it can be fun again". Build up your trust without putting pressure on each other, and the "tough stuff" will start to fall into place. Eventually you can have those tough talks once you both are getting closer to sorting out your emotions.

 

Also, do a search on Leftalone's posts. She was in a very similar situation (actually she'd already started dating someone new) and was able to ride through the roller coaster and get back together with her EX. She gave him enough space to be confused, but not so much leeway that he was able to string her along indefinitely.

 

It's a tough line to tread, but you can do it if you really want it.

 

Best wishes,

 

S&D

[Mun]

If he calls you up and asks what you are doing then you can tell him that you had a good time with him last time... and see if he asks you out again or suggests something.

 

Doesn't he already have plans? or am I missing something here?

[supergurl]

Thanks for replying again. I just go so back and forth on this issue. I would like to take things slowly with him..but it is hard to start dating again when there is so much history together...the fact that we lived together for two years makes it even more difficult. I wanted to give him a call tonight, but I have decided that I will just wait for him to call me.

 

Something I didn't mention is that back in august before we first "hooked up" I told him before the moment, "what if this is a mistake." to which he replied, it would be a mistake if you are going to be expecting something more afterwards (as in our relationship is back on because we have been physical). I know that was a few months ago and things were a little more up in the air then, but it has made me think...what if that was his one warning to me or something? Granted, he was the one that teared up later that night because of recreating the "connection." I didn't feel bad about it...I didn't even call him until a few weeks later because I had to talk to him about something and he was like "well, I have not heard from you in a while." Then, as i decide what is there for us to really talk about anymore, he starts blowing up my phone...don't get it-I think the boy is confused! But, hey...so am i!!

 

He did mention that he enjoyed the time we spent together a couple of weeks ago..and I was like "why, because of the sex?" He seemed a little upset and said no, not because of that...I don't know...I just don't want to be dependent on anyone for my sense of happiness...and sometimes I feel like it is going that way again because I am happy when I talk to him...grhhh! I am so confused!

 

BTW....the only plans I know about are that he has to work saturday and sunday...i thought I might get to see him friday if he brings me my stuff. I just want him to say, do you have plans...i would like to see you and not play games by telling me he is going to bring me my stuff and "see how I am doing."

[supergurl]

I ended up inviting him over tonight. I just really wanted to see him...he will be here in an hour or so. My roomate is out of town and I am home by myself for the next week or so....I am sitting here by myself and decided that I wanted to see him and that i need to stop playing games with myself...why make myself miserable just because I want him to call and ask to hang out first? To be honest, I hardly ever call him because I am so stubborn...if I sat here waiting for him to make the first move I would be waiting forever....that is what 6 years together has taught me.

 

Anyways, he said that he hadn't heard from me and he didn't want to call up and invite himself over so he was planning on staying at his mom's while he worked...so it seems that he was waiting for an invitation...maybe that is why he was calling often last weekend-to see if i would come out and invite him over-but I didn't.

 

Grrrrhhh..I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't help myself. I should be strong and not make myself available to him this way...but then again, he didn't hesitate to answer when I asked him to come over...maybe I need to grow up and stop playing games.....am I weak?

[Mun]

I have a feeling you will get your answer by the end of the night.

 

Watch what he says, but may more attention to how he acts. That is usually what gives away his true feelings.

 

Best of luck to you

[supergurl]

Ok-

 

So he came over Friday night...we rented a movie and bought some wine. We cuddled on the couch while watching the movie. He stayed over and went to work on Friday. He told me that he didn't know if he would be back over that night (saturday) because he had told his mom he would come over...but that if he did not come over Saturday he would come over Sunday after work.

 

My friends invited me out to dinner last night so I went telling him to give me a call if he figures out what he is going to do. He said ok and to bring him some leftovers-but I never heard back from him last night. Fast forward to about an hour ago. He called me while I was out with a friend-he was down at his mom's house and told me that he didn't know if he would be back up this way tonight to clock out from work, but that he would bring me my stuff tomorrow if anything because he had to go back to work to get things straightened out regarding his paycheck.

 

I asked him what he did last night-he had gone over to his friends house...I was like-thanks for calling! He then asked If I had brought home leftovers-I said I did but I guess he would not be getting them. He mentioned that he might get them tonight....So, here is the deal...I am getting really annoyed very quickly. I feel like he is trying to get me to beg him to come over or something! It is like he always has to have a reason to come this way besides coming to see me.

 

I honestly feel like I don't even need to talk to him about this stuff because due to his actions, this is what I would hear, "I still care about you and love you, but I just don't know where I am at right now with things and I don't want you to put your life on hold while I figure things out...that is why I want to come over when it is on your terms." I really want him to bring my stuff to me so that he no longer has an excuse to come over because guess what....I do not plan on inviting him over anymore. I am tired of the games and his uncertainty. I believe that he enjoys spending time with me and I don't think he is coming to see me just to get a "piece."

 

He made the comment that I might want to keep some of the stuff that is in the boxes...he went through some of them and saw that there was stuff in there that he had given to me. BTW, this is stuff that I had stored at his mom's house for a garage sale that I was trying to get rid of.

 

GRHHH...sorry for the rambling, but this guys actions are all over the place. I start doing well by not talking to him and then he ends up calling me, "just to see how I am doing." I am not a mean person, but sometimes I wish that I was and that I could cut ties with him...I just don't think I am completely ready for that...or maybe when I do get to that point, he comes back into the picture and confuses me again.....somebody give this girl some advice before I go postal!!!!!

[Mun]

Hi there,

Well I see you got your answer.

 

I don't think he wants you to beg him to come over. I think he just likes hanging out with you, but if you want to know that he is really interested in you then maybe you should let him be the one to call and ask you out instead. This way you won't be wondering what is going on.. you will KNOW that he wants to see you and he is making plans for it.

 

I know you said you didn't want to be waiting forever, but I think maybe you are in a worst place now because you feel like he is jerking you around.

 

Let him do some of the work here... don't do everything for him. If you persue him he is going to lose the desire to be the one to persue you...I don't know how to explain that any better .

Good luck

[supergurl]

I agree that I am doing too much work here.....and probably getting my hopes up for nothing. It is just that when we are together, he runs his fingers through my hair, opens the car door for me (which he never did before) while claiming that he was just trying to be romantic....i really don't get him. I will not be asking him over again. I think part of it is that my roomate is gone, and I am sitting at home by myself...lonely, feeling a little sad, and I can call him up and he comes to see me and it makes me happy. BUT, I don't want to feel like a reject because of him anymore...and I defintely do not want to pursue him. We were together 6 years...he ended it, and I didn't want it to end. It is up to him to try to put it back together...I am not giving him any challenge at all. I have been doing very well since March when we broke up by not pursuing him...he was always the one calling me, wanting to see me. I am done with this.

 

I REALLY want to get my stuff back so that there will not be that connection there or that excuse anymore. If he wants to bring me my stuff Monday, I will tell him to leave it by the door since I probably won't be home. Being around him is confusing me and it is a reminder that he does no want me....which makes me feel like a complete loser.....I need to not care anymore...I just really need to NOT CARE ANYMORE!!!!!