I need advice PLEASE.Broke up with bf and now I'm confused

[natalia486]

I would really appreciate your advice, did I do the right thing or didn't I? Been going back and forth, but I am pretty sure I did.

Been dating for 16 months. When we started he said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, so I said " I don't want to be FWB" and we cleared that up because he still wanted to be with me. So we continued with our relationship. We had both been married before, he had been divorced for 6 years and I, for five. All throughout the relationship he went back and forth about never getting married again. Sometimes he would say yes, and sometimes he would say how he would never get married again. I, on the other hand told him that I wanted to marry again, perhaps have another child and have a beautiful family. I fell in love for this guy, and I think he loved me. However, he was sooo attached to his friends it was pathetic. Did I mention that his dear friends had family ties with his Ex-Wife? Anyway, every Saturday he HAD to see them, and his commitment with them seemed more important to him than my desire of hanging out with me on the weekends. It was as if his Saturdays were already reserved for his friends, but not only Saturdays, but any time his friends wanted him, he would go. Don't get me wrong, we hang out on Saturdays, but it was mostly after he had finished with his friends which made me feel like his friends always came first, I was more like second. This guy though, said I was the best woman he had ever gotten in his life, that he loved me and blah blah blah. He has very affectionate when we were together, but I didn't feel as confident about his feelings as he obviously felt about mine because of his comments about Marriage, because of his inability to put me before his friends and having to see or spend every Saturday with his friends, despite the fact that he knew I wanted to do things with him, and despite the fact that I would wait for him every night to spend time with him as he worked swing shift even when that meant I would be tired the next morning. He never took me to his family to introduce me to them and his daughter knew about us, but he never introduced us officially like I did with him. So, my doubts about who I was to him were always there. He then moved in with me, and things continued the same way, every Saturday same story, and of course same fight. I got tried, so one night I asked him where our relationship was going, considering that we were both adults, and he said that marriage was not in his plans. Not now or ever. I was really hurt by his answer because all this time together I had been bending backwards to make him happy and him not even considering spending the rest of his life with me was hurtful. He claimed that I was the best thing he ever had in his life and blah blah blah. So I told him that it was okay to feel that way, and that I would respect his wishes. But he had to respect mine. I said "I want to get married and since I am not getting any younger, I want to do do it soon, and I am talking about another 6 months or a year. " I told him that if he couldn't give me that, and the respect I wanted, and place in his life then he had to move out, and I basically kicked him out. I told him that I was not kicking him out, but I was giving him a choice. Either he committed and gave me a space in his life like I have done with him, and plan on getting married to me or he moved out and be happy with his friends since he obviously doesn't need me in his life. He said he could be with me forever, but without getting married, and told him that Marriage was important for me, so if you can't give me that commitment then go find someone who wants that because I didn't. He left, he tried staying but I said "No, unless you give me a place in your life just like I have done with you and you draw a line with your friends." I guess I did the right thing. I have been NC for 2, almost 3 weeks and I will remind like that. I miss him like crazy but I feel I had to respect myself because he was not respecting me enough. He has however kept in communication with my family and my family with him. I just found out he called my parents last Saturday and this Saturday too. My parents also invited him over for breakfast last weekend. I want to be NC completely but I don't know how this plays out when my parents live right next to me. Me and him have not spoken since he left on the 2nd. He texted me a week ago asked me if I cashed a check and my response was very short. "Yes, I will send you a payment soon. Thanks. He gave me explanations by text but I did not respond noting else. I want to be NC because I want him to miss me and see what we had, but I don't know if it will work with my parents talking to him. I do think I did the right thing. I love him and I want him back, but not unless he values me, and respects me, otherwise he can keep on going. I have kept on working and doing my own thing. I have been avoiding any place where I might run into him. I feel like I invested a whole lot of feeling and effort into this realtionship and I felt hurt when he responded the way he did, but I was like fine. I am not gonna force you to do anything, but different than other times, this time hearing that actually penetrated my soul and I felt like it was the thing to do. He later told me that marriage would happen later, maybe in 3 or 4 years, but come on really? What if he says that again down the road??

[catcountry]

Honestly....I had trouble reading your post. We want to help but you really need break it up into paragraphs. A big block of text like this is hard to get through.

[progprof]

A little hard to read without paragraphs.

 

But, it sounds like he hadn't healed completely from the trauma of his divorce. He wasn't emotionally ready to get into a mature, honest commitment. My ex was similar- he spent most of his free time with his friends (going out the night before), and then sleeping all day. This meant I had to cancel all the plans we had made for that day, because he was too tired. I got tired of it, too. I deserve better, and so do you!

 

"I want to be NC because I want him to miss me and see what we had." I think if this is true, you're still kind of hoping for reconciliation. YOU know what you had, and what you were offering. That is enough. Be confident in that, and don't worry if he realizes it or not, down the road. Hopefully, you will be so far along, that you won't even care. No contact is so important, so that you can grieve, heal, and move on. You should sit down with your parents, and explain that to them. Don't be afraid to ask them to politely cut contact with him- tell them it is only until you feel strong enough, again.

[natalia486]

Yes, I am sorry. I just started writing like a nut, I almost didn't post anything because I start over-thinking everything and always end up erasing it.

Thank you for your replies though. I have ADD so putting my stuff together appropriately can take me hours, and I drive myself nuts. Sorry you guys.

My emotions are all whacked and so are my ideas.

[natalia486]

Thank you so much for your reply progprof. I am glad you understand what I am talking about, since you had a similar experience.

I will continue to be NC, and I will not grow weak because I know giving it all I wasn't getting much anyway. Why even bother?

 

I have also spoken to my parent's and have asked them to please cut NC with him as he clearly made his choice, but they say that just because him and I ar eno longer together, that it doesn't mean they don't have to speak to him as he has always been nice to them. So weather they do or they don't, I will be on NC, and I mean strict NC.

 

It makes me sad, but I think I'll be fine in a few weeks. All I have to do is remind myself that

there was no other way to do things, because he left me no choice.

 

You are right, we deserve better, and I know we will get better. Deep down, I am hoping he opens his eyes, but I know that either way I will be fine knowing that I can walk away with my mind clear knowing I offered him something nice. Little by little and day by day things will get better. If things don't change, I don't want them anyway.