I cant figure out what im doing wrong

[Ragdollboy]

I have this problem. Long story short is that cant make girls think of me as anything beyond friends. Girls ive known for a while, or girls ive just met. I dont know what it is about me. Im comfident, hamdsome, funny, and charmimg just to name a few of my qualities. I really think I am a great guy and I desperately need to break this cycle. Its attributed to my continuing bachelorhood. Am I killing myself with kindness or what?

[1st Love]

I think it's the way you appeal to them, like they see you as their gay best friend type of guy.

 

If you want something more from girls, have you thought about acting different and being a different type of guy to them? A lot of people will say "be who you are" and stuff but maybe you just have to change yourself so girls will perceive you differently.

How do you know they can't think of you as anything beyond friends? Have they told you?

[Ragdollboy]

Yeah. When I confess affection is usually when I find out where I stand.I dont see you like that, I think were just more compatible as friends, I dont wanna ruin what we already have. Ive heard it all. But I could imagine much of it being my fault. Im too polite, and shy. I sometimes think I need to be more aggressive with my attraction but I get scared. I imagine myself moving in and offending somebody and ruining everything. As far as changing myself I get it. I can see how it would help but I wouldnt even know where to begin because even if I have an idea of what im doing its only a semblance of an idea, its not like i know what women actually want,and the notion of having to change myself kinda makes me sad. Like here I thought I was something special and interesting, but as it turns out nobody seems interested so I ought to stop being the me I was so proud of.

[Stay_home]

You have to stop being their friend and start acting as if you're interested in them.

[1st Love]

A lot of guys get friendzoned by girls, but probably not as much as you do.

Well I'm only 19 and I haven't had much experience with girls but I have learnt that if you act too much like you're they're best friend, then that's all they'll see in you. I think you're problem is that you're "too polite, and shy".

I hate to say this to you, but in my experience, nice guys (in general) do finish last.

It doesn't mean you should stop being a nice guy, and you shouldn't stop being proud of being a nice guy, but women do respond to the more 'alpha' type males. It's about what you want, and what type of person you want others to see you as. Don't stop being a nice guy just because you're desperate to have a girlfriend.

[Gilson]

I know for me, I don't flirt enough or use inuendo. I don't make my interests known and I don't treat them like an object or a piece or meat.

 

Then again, the only women who say anything positive toward me in a flirty ind of way are either WAY too old or are married/attached. I don't have any trouble flirting with them.

 

Sometimes, I think I might subconciously sabotage any progress with women who I am not 100% attracted to, even though it could be good. I don't know why I might do this. Maybe I do it to hold out for something better.

 

When I was a lot younger, I had no problem flirting or making my intentions/interest known.

[Trinity11]

Nice guys don't finish last...clingy guys do.

 

Anyhow I think you seemed to be missing the boat OP, you establish friendship with these girls first rather than going in as a love interest.

Friendship is important of course but you should probably throw some cues out there and see if they pick them up positively.

As many girls have said, its in the way you look at them, your body language, subtle touches here and there, making them aware that you want to be closer to them.

They can always politely pull away if they are not interested and if you deem them good enough to be your friend, then you can go down that road but at least you know in advance.

[Ragdollboy]

Thanks all. There was some stuff I hadn't considered before. Im hopeful I get try again some time soon. I thought my problem might have been being too kind and shy but looking back I know thats not the problem. In stead of kindness I think im to casual, and im not even too shy I think I just have trouble with approach. I cant seem to make my intentions known physically or verbally.

[ming1]

I know for me, I don't flirt enough or use inuendo. I don't make my interests known and I don't treat them like an object or a piece or meat.

 

Then again, the only women who say anything positive toward me in a flirty ind of way are either WAY too old or are married/attached. I don't have any trouble flirting with them.

 

Sometimes, I think I might subconciously sabotage any progress with women who I am not 100% attracted to, even though it could be good. I don't know why I might do this. Maybe I do it to hold out for something better.

 

Ha. This is the story of my life. You're not alone man.

 

I feel like I'm too mature for my age . . . or maybe I just have the wrong ideas about what women like. Most guys my age treat women like meat. I think it's really degrading and really throws away the girl as a person which is what matters most in a relationship. I want to get to know a girl and connect on a personal level rather than just playing with her boobs.

 

But the guys my age who treat women like slabs of steak always get the girls, so maybe that's really all women want from men even though every girl would adamantly disagree.

 

Part of my problem is first impressions are almost never the correct impressions for me. If I meet a girl and I'm attracted to her, a week or two later after I get to know her, I loose all attraction. And vice versa. If I meet a girl and I'm not interested in her at all, after I get to know her I might start getting really attracted. Both of my last girlfriends were like this. Met them. Wasn't interested at all. Got to know them and became really attracted to them. Both relationships ended badly so yeah.

 

Because of this I don't want to jump into dating someone without knowing them first because otherwise it'll just be a waste of time for me because my impressions change. Which kind of sets me up for failure because girls don't want to date people they already know apparently.

 

The best relationships are between people who each consider the other their best friend. "I married my best friend." It means you're compatible in an ultimate way and in love. But how does that ever happen if girls just want to jump into dating without knowing someone first?

[Throwaway999]

Ha. This is the story of my life. You're not alone man.

 

I feel like I'm too mature for my age . . . or maybe I just have the wrong ideas about what women like. Most guys my age treat women like meat. I think it's really degrading and really throws away the girl as a person which is what matters most in a relationship. I want to get to know a girl and connect on a personal level rather than just playing with her boobs.

 

But the guys my age who treat women like slabs of steak always get the girls, so maybe that's really all women want from men even though every girl would adamantly disagree.

 

I don't want to sound insulting, but you (and the original poster, as well) both sound rather IMmature to me.

 

These guys that you think are so sleazy are at least making their intentions known right up front. Yes, you may think they are being sleazy about it, but they are being honest about their intentions with the women they approach. You guys, however, think you are being "nice guys" but are actually being manipulative - you want to be something more than friends, and you are acting friendly to get that. This in disingenuous, and women can smell it a mile away.

 

Also, it is cowardly! A guy who makes it explicitly clear that he is interested in a woman sexually faces rejection right up front. He might "get lucky" sometimes, but he also faces the possibility of being shot down in flames head on. That at least takes some courage, which is an attractive quality in a man. But if you are trying to be friends it is also partially because you don't want to face the rejection you might get if you made a blatant move early on. Trying to be friends first is "safer" in that you avoid rejection right up front, but instead you just waste everybody's time only to be rejected later.

 

I also seem to sense some bitterness from a lot of the posts here, and guess what - women don't find bitter guys attractive. If you were really such a "nice guy" would you be bitter? And saying "maybe that's really all women want from men even though every girl would adamantly disagree" makes it sound like you think there is something wrong with women wanting to have sex, or that you are bitter that they aren't having it with you. Women like sex just as much as men do, and there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to have sex, and it shouldn't be a surprise that the guys that make it clear that they are interested in having sex end up getting to have it. You can be interested in a woman sexually and still care about her as a person, it isn't an either/or dichotomy.

 

Again, I'm not trying to be insulting, just blunt. I'm trying to help you guys, here.

[ming1]

And saying "maybe that's really all women want from men even though every girl would adamantly disagree" makes it sound like you think there is something wrong with women wanting to have sex, or that you are bitter that they aren't having it with you. Women like sex just as much as men do, and there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to have sex, and it shouldn't be a surprise that the guys that make it clear that they are interested in having sex end up getting to have it. You can be interested in a woman sexually and still care about her as a person, it isn't an either/or dichotomy.

 

Well if you put it that way, what I'm really wondering about is whether or not there are women out there who want a relationship to be about more than just the sex. ^ That makes it seem as if the only way to start a relationship is to make it blatantly obvious the first thing you want from them is sex. Like you said, there's nothing wrong with that if the girl is of the same mindset, but what if that's not the first thing on your mind?

 

Perhaps my problem is sex is far from the first thing on my mind when it comes to being in a relationship with a girl. Pretending otherwise would be dishonest. Yeah sex is important, but the companionship aspect of a relationship is far more important to me. If all I wanted was sex and thought playing the nice guy would get me it, then yeah that's manipulative. However, that's not my prerogative.

 

This all makes me think relationships born out of love for one another's personality are a rare breed and that is quite disparaging.

[Throwaway999]

I don't think you are being honest with yourself.

 

Obviously, you have to find a woman physically attractive to be interested in having a relationship with her, even if you also place a high value on her personality. There are plenty of totally sweet yet homely girls that you could hook up with if you didn't care about the physical aspect of a relationship at all. So, physical attraction IS important to you, just like every other human being on the planet, you aren't some special creature who is only nobly interested in a woman's mind with no thought given to the lowly desires of the body.

 

It is not a binary, either/or thing, you have to have both physical attraction AND compatible personalities. If a woman is looking for a relationship, she is going to care about your personality, too. But generally the physical aspect comes first - you can tell just by looking if somebody is attractive to you physically, while it takes some getting to know them to discover if their personality is going to be something you can work with. That's why it is counterproductive to start out trying to be a woman's platonic friend and then try to turn that into a physical relationship. She might never have been physically attracted to you in the first place, and she does get a say in the matter, you know. You could have found that out from the beginning and then known if you needed to get to know her better. I'm not saying you have to have sex with her immediately, not at all, but you have to make it clear that you are starting things on a "potential sexual relationship" level and not as "platonic friends who will never kiss".

[Ragdollboy]

Thanks for the input. I ought to say though I dont think I claimed to be mature. Im only 22. I just was saying that im clueless. Ill take any and all advice. I really didn't think I was coming off as bitter, but if I did im sorry. I dont have resentment or anger towords women. If im bitter at anybody its myself. I just always thought that I was making my intentions known. Now im realizing that I dont even know how to do that right.

Its driving me crazy. It may not even be about showing my intentions. Im starting to think I may just not be able to make myself attractive to women. But I really couldn't tell you. All I know is that whatever im doing isn't working.

[Vaglar]

If you are interested in more than a friend with someone, make it CLEAR and go for it. You have to show it somehow and behave like someone who is interested romantically - regular communication, making concrete plans to go out, being physical (touch the back, try to hold her hands indirectly, etc.), eye contact, going to nice dating spots, etc. It all depends on your personality, do what you feel comfortable with.

 

The ones who succeed have a simple formula - it's all or nothing. You can't win someone if you don't put yourself on the line. The good thing is, if you feel a connection, chances are the other person will too and everything will fall into place. If it's too much hassle right from the start (fussy about setting dates, canceling plans, not replying to your messages...) then move on.