A Guide to Proper Healing

[Paperstreet]

I remember years ago, reading threads on this forum, looking for some insight of how to reconcile with my ex girlfriend. I missed her. I longed for the "good old days" of when my love was reciprocated and wanted that back. Those were dark days. I fell into a deep depression, I lost 50 pounds and had almost no contact with the outside world. She destroyed me; but in reality, she didn't.

 

Relationships are a wonderful thing. The ability to connect with someone on such an intimate level is completely fantastic. Unfortunately, sometimes we pair up with someone that doesn't (or eventually does not) respect you. And that, my friends, is the start of something horrific. You are blinded by faith that you are on an equal playing field with someone that you are emotionally vulnerable to. When that person doesn't respect you, they eventually start to take advantage of you. From there, it can manifest itself into so many different forms. They may be constantly hostile towards you, picking fights that are never meant to resolve. Secretly seeking other partners. Making comments that demean you. The list goes on and on. When someone you trust starts to treat you like this, it changes how you look at yourself. We are already our own worst critic, when someone so close to you doesn't respect you, it is natural for your own self respect to plummet as well. Don't fool yourself, this isn't "love". It is quite the opposite. Love is never supposed to take from you. Sure we all have our arguments, but each party has to come out of them with understanding and resolve.

 

So that's what brings us to this particular forum: We all lost. Not saying that we're losers on here, but we all came out of our relationships feeling that we lost something on the way out. Here is where a lot of people have it wrong: YOU DID NOT LOSE HIM/HER, YOU LOST YOURSELF! You feel like you lost that person because you still respected him/her, they didn't respect you, so they shat all over your sense of self on the way out AND YOU BOUGHT IT! Guess what? You're an *******! Right now, you're being an ******* to yourself. You have been an ******* to yourself for weeks/months/years and you are currently stuck in this loop of self-hatred because that is what you've grown accustom too. The truth is that anyone who would treat you like that is abusive. They emotianally They abused the absolute amazing person that you are. You never deserved that. No one on this planet deserves to be treated in such a horrendous way.

 

Now take a long look at your past relationship. Did this person disregard your opinions and feelings? Did they say hurtful things with no genuine sorrow afterwords, nor effort to make amends? Did they criticize you? You need to really step back and look at this objectively. And don't you dare make excuses for this person. So what now? Get mad? No, that would be more wasting of your precious time that this person never deserved in the first place. Here is what you do:

 

1) NC - No Contact. I have always disliked this term. Reading posts on this forum, people are always asking if they should go NC or how asking how NC worked for other members or just posting about NC! NC! NC! Who. Cares. The way it comes accross (and how I personally felt about it at one time) is that it's some kind of game that you're playing with yourself, where the prize that you build up in your head is the hope that this person will notice not hearing from you, and hopefully CONTACT you. Can you get a little more counterproductive? You need to separate yourself from the idea that this person is going to come and save you from your misery. The truth is that this person was contributing to said misery. The way you should honestly approach it: This person is now dead. When they were alive, they treated you terribly, so you have no reason to grieve. You must delete all forms of communication. Delete their number/text history/emails. Delete and block (yes, BLOCK! [they do not deserve to see what you are up to, nor have any means to reach out to you]) from all forms of social media.

 

Some things to consider if this death has really "destroyed" you:

If it is reasonable enough to do so, changing your phone number is a pretty good idea too. If you had to move out of a living situation with this person, no forwarding address, make sure you take yourself off of all associated utilities or services (the not-so-dearly departed are adults, they can figure it out for themselves). If you don't live with this person, and they know where you live, then it isn't a bad idea to think about moving. Don't take this all to heart logistically, but if there are reminders and said reminders start dragging you to a bad place, then those reminders have no place in your current life and need to die along with that person.

 

2) Employment - If your past situation was deterring you from working, well its time to put on your big boy pants and join the workforce. Undereducated? Then now is the time to plan. Get yourself some sort of employment for now, then use your free time to execute your newly formed strategy towards your career. It doesn't matter what age you are, people start over all the time. Employers love the underdog that takes the initiative to progress themselves. The reality is that you are an amazing human, and you don't have anything standing in your way to take this life by the balls.

 

3) THIS NEEDS TO BE EXECUTED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE INTIAL STAGES OF 1 - Call your friends. Make plans to hang. The sooner, the better. People in this day and age can be busy with their own lives, don't let that deter you from hanging out. Insist, but by no means, tell them that you need to see them because of your situation. Again, this person was sucking the life out of you, so when you go to see people and all you have to say is how sad you are because of your recent "loss", then you're just going to suck the life out of your friends. Just like you, they don't deserve that, and that person's legacy of brutality must die with him/her.

 

Get creative with the outings. An artist that you and all of your friends like is coming to town? Go to that show! Check out that movie you were stoked on seeing. Want to get in shape? Renew that gym membership and start hitting it with your friends. Even branch out to new activities you've been pondering like yoga or snowboarding or whatever! Also, don't be afraid to let your hair down and have a good time. Get out there and interact with people!

 

4) Dating - This can come whenever you feel comfortable, but I personally recommend jumping in right away. I know it's hard to meet people, but it's actually not. You see beautiful people everywhere, everyday. Say hello! If that is feeling a bit too difficult to gather the courage to execute, then I would suggest the internet. It's not 2001 anymore. Internet dating isn't a gateway to creeps and the desperate anymore. There are a lot of attractive professionals that want to get out and meet people just like you, and a lot of websites offer their services for free. If you go in with the mentality that you're just going out to have some fun, then that is exactly what you will get: FUN! Also, there is no better confidence booster than going on a bad date. So its pretty much a win-win situation.

 

 

That is it. You might be skeptical after reading this and think "That's it? This doesn't really help how I feel right now.". Well, you're right. That's because you're still sitting in front of your computer, on enotalone. You need to get up and get out. Human interaction will make you feel more human. This relationship that you were in made you feel subhuman. The truth is that dead person brought out the worse in you, now that person is gone, and they don't ever deserve to see who you really are. You are fantastic.

 

The way you feel isn't going to change overnight. Unfortunately, we're a dynamic species, so it will take some time. I can guarantee to you that the sooner you apply this little guide to your life, the easier/faster it will be. You will also save yourself a lot of emotional scar tissue. Time to put all that crap behind you. Now go get 'em, tiger!

[perennial]

Although you did not really think about it that way, its more like a 'social service' you are doing on this website, which I really appreciate. Your passage or post, seems to be backed by months, or may be years of post-break up experience. It provides an insight into how wonderful, or to say the least, how not-so-depressing, a break up or a departure of a loved one from our life can be, if we changed the way we perceive it.

 

I broke up with my girl just about a month back. Honestly, I still love her, but then even if she returns, I would have doubts over her future conduct, cz I don't wanna get hurt again. With no intention of 'badmouthing' my ex, I would like to share with you and all, that she did hurt me many a times, some of her acts were often highly unwarranted, unjustified. Many a times, I tried to be rational towards her and led myself into believing that may be her 'definition of being in love' may be different from mine, but it cannot be all the time, else we should not be together at the very first place. However, things finally reached the breaking point and we split. She now realizes her mistake but says her feelings have somewhere, in our discords or arguments, died.

 

Anyways, I wanna get out of it asap. People often say if you truly love someone, you ought to wait for him/her - bull**** ! For me , its like a wild goose chase, like being a reserved table of some restaurant, waiting for its guests, that may never arrive. I do love her but I want this love to fade away as I remember the times she used to hurt me and my sweet feelings. Whats the point of repenting over how you reacted when you were not able to react 'appropriately' to the sweetest possible gesture of your loved one !

 

I really appreciate your post, and the methods suggested by you to get over that phrase of depression. However, I think 'time' has also got a major role to play in this healing process. In my experience, I found that I reconnected to a few select people in my life, like my sister, and realized how distanced we both were from each other. Another way, is of course, the dating. No matter how so ever connected, well-bonded, suitable your lover may seem to you in your happier time, there is always the next in line. And then the next after that. What matters is how well you both gel with each and other understand and respect each others' needs and emotions.

 

Anyways, thanks for that post again.

[Ashley29]

Paperstreet, may I ask how old are you? Thanks for this post, I really needed to hear that today