how to give up without feeling the panic/sadness of giving up?

[autumnair]

I'm a little over 3 months out from the breakup. I got some good advice here, but unfortunately was unable to take it -- same old story, I felt my situation was "different," I just had to get him to see things the "right way," etc. I was also severely depressed both before and after the breakup, and was unable to cut off contact with him because I often just needed help from people who cared about me. I did everything wrong -- arguing, crying, pleading, asking for a second chance. I'm not proud of it, but it happened, and at least it's (mostly) done now.

 

Despite two months of every conversation devolving into me asking him to give us a second chance and him saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now, he's still around now and wanting to be friends. When I started coming out of my depression, I felt like I could be friends. But I'll do fine for a week or two, and then something will happen (we'll have a slightly less than pleasant interaction, or he'll tell me about something he's going to that I know he would have invited me to in the past), and I'll suddenly feel really panicky again and think that maybe there's just ONE more thing I should have said that would have made the difference.

 

He told me recently that he thinks "some people just don't work together," and that the thing about me that doesn't work for him is my tendency to stick to something and push on it if I think he's not seeing why it's important/understanding it. (He's also told me he thinks this trait is why I do well academically). He's right about the tendency -- but I only do it for things that I think are really important, and the problem is that being depressed while I was with him made me lose my sense of what was important. So he has this picture of me where I do it for everything that bothers me/I don't think is perfect, and I know that's not who I really am, although I see why he thinks so. The only thing is -- he's really important to me, so I've been doing it over the breakup, which obviously isn't going to allow him to see that.

 

The conundrum is this: when I've been able to be friends and not be worried, it's been because I've gotten myself into a state of mind where I can say "I don't know what's going to happen here. Maybe we'll have another chance some day, maybe we won't, but this is pleasant and it's okay to not know." As soon as something makes me feel like we definitely won't get another chance, I get panicky and feel like I have to do something. I need to stop doing that, so I'm probably going to cut off (a friend told me something wise -- you can't be friends really until you can let the friendship be defined by what is there, rather than what is missing), but in the back of my head I keep thinking that maybe that will finally let him see that the thing he thinks is a big problem doesn't have to be. And in some ways I don't want to have that hope, because it probably won't happen, and the hope/no hope cycle is what makes me act nutty. And I just can't afford that for myself anymore ... But if I tell myself I have to give up completely, I feel so miserable and lost that I can't think of anything else or get on with my life.

 

So I think there needs to be a way of giving up without having to tell yourself that that's what you're doing. If I figure it out, I'll let you know. Meanwhile, any advice would be wonderful. Maybe this time I'll actually be able to take it.

[zep]

This is the perfect situation for NC. NC. NC. NC.

[nyxy]

Agreed. Cut all contact, go through the motions, and let yourself heal.

[markie6]

Dont beat yourself up with regard to taking advice. Most of us have been there and done that. What you must do though, as in life... is learn from your mistakes, or you will be doomed to repeat them

 

When somebody doesn't want to be in a relationship with you , there seems little point wasting valuable breathing time here on planet earth, waiting and hoping for them to feel differently. Do your best to move on, close this part of your life away and rest assured..if they change their mind... they can find you and tell you and ask for another chance. Never , ever wait for that to happen or it's limbo for you

 

take care