Do I take her back?

[tuatara]

My ex and I went out for 7 years. We broke up like 4 months ago now.

 

I broke it off with her because I was getting scared of how serious it was all getting. Which in the last year poisoned the relationship a bit because she could sense it. I didn't like the idea of getting a house or marriage or things like that (even though she wasn't pushing it on me). I just sort of freaked out immaturely. The grass looked greener on the other side as per usual.

 

I've meet up with her a few times since, just to talk over a few things. It's always ended in tears of sadness from both parties. Plus we had a mutual friends wedding we had to go to, and we needed to make sure we were on good terms so it wasn't awkward for the couple as it was an intimate wedding. Now that is over, there is nothing left really making us hangout.

 

Obviously now she is trying to move on and shut herself off.

 

But I'm still left wondering and unsure. We still have a connection and understanding like no other. She is the most caring, loyal, generous, open girl I've ever met. I feel I appreciate it more after this time apart. I don't know if that is enough? Whether I'm taking it for granted? I don't know if I would get anything close again. I'm sort of attracted to her, but not like damn I have to have her.

 

I don't want to regret this decision. But I don't know how to figure out whether I am wrong or right here. Any ideas on how I could complete this puzzle in my head?

[22n32]

I have faced this kind of situation few times.. looks isnt everything and it will fade over time.. loyal, genorus open girls are rare in this world.. think of when ur 50,60, 70s what kind of women do u want by ur side..

[Fraggle]

T

 

Of course you'll have an understanding given you spent 7 years together. You have many positive feelings about her and note those above, all good attributes, yet you feared commitment, or taking the relationship further which has caused the break.

 

It sounds like you you're in limbo land right now wanting her, but not sure that you really want her back? perhaps it is little wonder that she is closing you off right now, as you don't know what you want she's just trying to move on, hurt that you wouldn't take the next step.

 

I can understand where you're coming from, I too had fears taking the next step in my relationship until we bought a place and moved in together. I was exciting and scary at the same time.

 

You admit immaturity and GIGS potentially.

 

You need to think hard and fast as to why you reacted the way you did and whether you can see yourself with her in years to come. Don't start trying going back if it is half hearted.

 

Either you want to be with her, or you don't, if you're in limbo land then that doesn't seem like you're that interested in fixing things. 4 months is a reasonable amount of time to start gauging how you feel about her.

 

You also need to consider that she may not want you back by the time you've decided that you do want things to work...

 

You broke it off for a reason, now you need to understand that reason and understand if it was commitment concerns, nerves or something else, or if it was something more deep rooted and serious which means that you shouldn't get back together.

 

To me it sounds like you're still confused about your feelings for her. Take more time to work it out, although by then it could be too late.... : /

[tuatara]

Fraggle you are on it, but I've scrapped my mind for the past 4 months trying to get clarity why I broke up with her.

 

I even saw a relationship councillor and it just created more unanswered questions in my head.

 

Another reason I'm in limbo is that I know it can't be a half assed effort If I ask her back. It's one of the most serious decisions of my life. Getting back together after 7 years...I'm basically signing up for marriage.

 

I have considered she might not want me back, but I'll take it if it comes.

 

And exactly I know I only have a certain timeframe, I feel like its gonna be years before I draw clarity from this.

[WockaWocka]

But I'm still left wondering and unsure. We still have a connection and understanding like no other. She is the most caring, loyal, generous, open girl I've ever met. I feel I appreciate it more after this time apart. I don't know if that is enough? Whether I'm taking it for granted? I don't know if I would get anything close again. I'm sort of attracted to her, but not like damn I have to have her.

 

To me, it sounds as though most of what you're missing is the comfort that the relationship brought you rather than your ex specifically. You're wondering if maybe the grass isn't so green after all. But I think if you're still somewhat indifferent then that's not quite enough. Just my two cents.

[tuatara]

^^ It's true I miss the comfort. I miss it a lot. Is it wrong to miss that? I do miss her too to though.

[offplanet]

You sound very half hearted about her. Let her find someone else. It wouldn't be fair to her.

[tuatara]

You sound very half hearted about her. Let her find someone else. It wouldn't be fair to her.

 

I totally understand that. The thing I don't know is whether my half heartedness is coming from me taking things for granted and thinking there is better out there. It would kill me if in 2 years everything came clear, and I released the good thing that I left is something I would never find again.

[tufa4311]

I totally understand that. The thing I don't know is whether my half heartedness is coming from me taking things for granted and thinking there is better out there. It would kill me if in 2 years everything came clear, and I released the good thing that I left is something I would never find again.

 

It seems you miss having a relationship, having someone to be with, having someone to sleep next to. However, it doesn't sound like that someone needs to be her.

 

You're "sort of" attracted to her? Has it been like this the entire 7 years? If not, meaning that in the beginning and hopefully for many years after that you were very attracted to her then that can be different. 7 years is a long time and relationships change, feeling become somewhat neutralized because you are with each other everyday. That is a normal thing. It doesn't have to be that way - it takes work to keep up the attraction in a relationship over many years.

 

One thing you don't want to do, in my opinion, is to go back just to have someone. This will very likely lead to you leaving again. In the beginning you will be able to block those feelings of needing more but over time you will again not be able to hold it in. You also can't make a decision based on how you might feel in 2 years.

 

Stop thinking about if you will go back to her, for now. First, you need to determine is what your true feelings are for her. Second, you need to figure out what your true feeling about being in a relationship with her. Also please realize those are two different things. How you feel for her and how you feel about being in a relationship with her are two very different things.

 

And while you are working on determining these two things do not lead her on. Be honest with her. She deserves it. If she asks you should tell her that you are unsure of what you should do and you need time to figure it out. Also, don't expect her to wait around while you do this. This is not a threat, it's just not fair for you to expect that. You need to be strong - and by this I mean that you can not allow the fact that she may disconnect from you as the reason to get back together. If you do that you may end up right here all over again in a few months.

 

Respect her, respect yourself. Go see another counselor - the first one may not have helped but one of them will. You obv. need help to figure this out.

 

Lastly, get on this now. Don't wait. Make the counselor call tomorrow for an appt.

 

Keep aware, keep engaged.

[WockaWocka]

I totally understand that. The thing I don't know is whether my half heartedness is coming from me taking things for granted and thinking there is better out there. It would kill me if in 2 years everything came clear, and I released the good thing that I left is something I would never find again.

 

It's perfectly natural to miss all the comforts of a relationship, and a nice partner who knows you really well. But it's not fair to try to reconcile with someone just because a few years down the road you might regret being single. All you have for certain is the present moment. Forget the future for a second. Would you rather be married to her or single right now?

[Not a rookie]

Did you ever cheat on her?

[tuatara]

Did you ever cheat on her?

 

No I didn't. But I have been with other girls since we broke up. Why do you ask?

[Not a rookie]

No I didn't. But I have been with other girls since we broke up. Why do you ask?

Cause you sounded like someone I dated before I met boyfriend.lol.

[tuatara]

Cause you sounded like someone I dated before I met boyfriend.lol.

 

omg sarah is that you??

 

 

jks

[TheRawTruth]

Do you want to be with her?

 

If you're not sure, it's a no.

If you have to think about it, it's a no.

If you think you'll break up with her AGAIN when it gets too serious, it's a no.

If you just "don't want anyone else to have her", it's a no.

 

When you TRULY want to BE with someone, you don't need to guess. You KNOW. And the fact that you dumped her ONCE already (immaturely, as you said) for fear of things getting too serious, tells me this is only a feeling of "loneliness" or "missing her" because you were with her so long. But if you TRULY wanted to be with her, you would've never broken up. (ESPECIALLY since she wasn't PUSHING you.) Nor would you be WONDERING right now.

 

Ask yourself "Do I want to be with her?" If you do, go for it. If you aren't sure, wait until you ARE sure. It's OK to tell her you miss her. But don't make any moves toward a reconciliation unless you KNOW that's what you want. Don't play with her feelings just because YOU aren't sure.

[Reflective82]

How old are you? Unless you met earlier than 20, 7 years is too long to go together without a proposal just in my opinion. So IF you get back together you have got to be serious. I think the worst outcome would be for you to get back with her and then a year or more later, break up again, because then you have taken up a LOT of her time. So I think wait until you are sure she is the one you want to marry. If you're 26 or over, then this shouldn't be THAT daunting to be honest

[tuatara]

I'm 26, we met at 19

[Reflective82]

that is pretty young and I can see why you would maybe feel you haven't experienced young single life. Get it out of your system now and then decide if you can go back to her....but you have to be prepared for the fact she may say no. how would that make you feel?