Serious depression problem

[SaSaRai]

I hope the moderators dont move this on me... this has been bugging me really bad and its all I can think about and I've been depressed for 4 months.

 

My best friend wants to be popular and it seems like he'll do anything to achieve that goal. We are Freshmen in highschool and in 4 years none of these people that we know will exist... right? He goes around and tries to make everyone like him and sucks up to all of them and the teachers too. I've tried to talk to him about it and he says he'll stop but he hasn't done it.

 

I used to be one of the most popular people in my school but I didn't really have the "best friend" that I wanted, so I was willing to give up everything, to have what I needed. So I did, and I lost practically all of my friends just to have this one friend because they didn't like him and didn't want me to talk to him, but I didn't really care because I liked him enough to do this. I haven't had the chance to explain the whole situation to him about why it makes me so mad besides the reason that it is just stupid because I didn't want him to feel bad about it and didn't really know what to say. I have done so much to - it seems like- "win" his friendship. We are very open with eachother about things that bother us as far as im concerned. But these people that I am not friends with anymore, is who he goes around and tries to suck up to, and when it is ME HIM AND SOMEONE ELSE together, he will just sortof ignore me to try and score points with them. If it is just us then we are fine.

 

We have a lot of plans for the future, but after highschool, if he keeps on doing this then I don't think I'll really wanna be friends with him because it'll seem like im all he has left ; his last resort. Plus, why wouldnt he do the same thing again?

 

It seems like if I don't act stupid to get his attention then he wants to be "where the party is" and that puts a lot of stress on me. He's always competing with me and trying to make everyone like him more than me. He always says I'm the best friend he's ever had ... but maybe thats because I let him take advantage of me too much? I mean, I'd tear down walls for him and its like he doenst even respect that.

 

I hope you guys understand me... I've been going to a psychiatrist over this and things are getting very bad, but I mean, there are other problems that go along with it that I have fixed. Overall we are great friends and have SO MUCH in common, hes like my bro.... but I don't like the things he does sometimes, its very ungodly - I don't think God would like for people to go around doing things like that.

 

Hope someone has advice or words of wisdom.... thanks

[lostlove]

last year i was in the same situation as you are now. my best friend always seemed to want to be one of the "popular" girls. sometimes i'd overhear her talking to one of the popular girls, and saying something that contradicted what she talked about with me. i always felt like she was two different people. it made me feel like i wasn't good enough. she'd always agree with everything they said, and i hated it so much. i didn't have the guts to talk to her about it, so what i would do is make subtle hints. it didn't work. at all. so finally i started confronting her when i heard her lying to a popular kid. i suppose it worked a bit, but she's still kinda like that. it's just one of those things that i have to let go to keep on being her friend. if this is really messing you up so much, then you should let him know how hard it is for you. tell him how you really feel about it, and how much he's hurting you. he needs to know. good luck.

[SaSaRai]

Gosh...... yeah I didnt even put that in there, he does that.... hes 2 completely different people, and when I think of a JOKE or SOMETHING ELSE (cause im good at thinking of things off the top of my head) he turns around and says the exact same thing I said to him, to SOMEOEN ELSE two seconds after I say it and they die laughing or whatever and get the impression "god hes so funny".

 

This KILLS ME, he has no idea what I gave up... if only he were in my shoes maybe he'd understand. sometiems i regret being his friend in the first place because just like 2 days ago, my old friend went to another one of my friends house for his birthday "sleepover", or whatever you want to call it. And they didnt invite me because of me being friends with this dude......

[Colls]

Hey, this is amazing how ur story is almost exactly like my best friends past. My best friend Jen, and I are unseperable now, but thats only because her EX-best friend, Sarah treated her the way ur friend treats you. Sarah used to compare herself to Jen all the time. She thought she was better because she was skinnier, shorter, and a cheer leader. She used to put Jen down to make herself sound better. Jen fell for it all and basically felt it was all true, because why wouldnt u believe you best friend.

 

Well one day, Jen grew up, and Sarah didnt. I think u have grown up and your friend hasnt. No one should have to put up with being treated like that by their supposedly best friend. He is using you so he has someone there, when everyone else kicks him to the curb. He wants to see if he can get in good with the populer kids, and once he does ull be yesterdays news. Im being serious, not trying to upset you. You seem like a very loyal friend, and see like you want to help him realize he doesnt have to fit in with all the popular kids to be liked.

 

Today me and Jen are best friends like I said, and we have the type of relationship that you deserve to be in also. When we are in a group of people, its other who try to get OUR attention but we dont give it to them, because we are to busy saying inside jokes or just talking. My best friend would never ditch me to talk to the so called popular people. Everyone is jealous because no one has a friendship like ours.

 

So I guess what im saying IN A LOT OF WORDS, sorry, is that you deserve more than what your friend is giving you. I think HE is YOUR best friend, but HE doesnt know what or who his friends are, hes really confused right now.

[SaSaRai]

gosh... so I'm not alone..... i wish it were like that with me... i mean, does it REALLY matter that much what people think of you? Should you really care? I mean... what hes doing is pointless.... if someone doenst like you , then you cant change that. The may pretend to like you... just so they can use you......

 

I pray for him to see whats happening, I guarantee he won't find another friend who cares like I do..... anyone else have advice? I hope so....

 

(thanks for you 2 who have posted , I appreciate it)

[Francis]

I had this "friend", he is a lawyer with really good credentials (Ph.D, Common law, civil law) and he never seemed to keep a job. He always complained that people mistreated him at work, his wife always complained to me about how people mistreated him at work.

 

We needed a senior in the firm where I work, so I decided that I should help him get in my firm, where people are really nice. At least he would get some respect and recognition. I thought I was doing a good deed. On top of that, he was going to be my boss, because we are in the same field.

 

The owner of the firm told me that I would get 500$ for recommending him and I said "I don't know if I want the money, I never did it for the money." That's the frame of mind I was in at the time.

 

Anyway, he was hired thanks to my recommendation. When he came in, he just turned around 180 degrees. I introduced him to people, he tried to make friends with them without inviting me, he invited them to lunch, or talked to them and COMPLETELY ignored me. When he was with other people, he would not even say hi to me anymore.

 

He put me down in front of everybody, at the cafeteria, and insinuated over and over that I was not competent, telling me : "You should read this and that in order to have a better understanding of ..." while I know I am very competent.

 

He betrayed me anyway he could, although people at work saw through his game and he never became popular. Once I had to do an emergency and I skipped one issue, by mistake. Even though his job was to verify my work, that's what he gets paid for, he really lost it, he had a major fit and yelled at me as if I were his slave. He just behaved in the worst way he could with me. Eventually, I stopped speaking with him completely. He could not help but be competitive with everyone, etc.

 

I felt very bad with the owner of the firm, because I realized he was not a very good person for the firm. I realized that, if he was already abusive with people while still being on his probation period, how would he be if he were there on a permanent basis. I thought he is going to be very abusive and that is not good for the productivity of employees. I wanted to write a letter to my boss to let him know of the problem, but I never did.

 

Eventualy, after his three month probation, the last day of his probation, he was fired. He stormed into my office and told me the news: They're firing me! as if they were committing some injustice. He thought I would jump up and defend him, or say something in his favour, but I was rather happy to learn the news, because he is really hypocritical.

 

There are some hypocritical people who use others by playing "victim" just to take what you have. Normal people DO NOT play victim. Normal people DO NOT seek the compassion of others. Normal people, when they are going through some problems, AVOID the company of others until they get back on their feet. Normal people DO NOT ask for help from friends, only close friends or family. Normal people have PRIDE.

 

It seems your friend is not truly a friend to you, but to himself. He probably got closer to you because he envied your popularity and he wanted to steal that from you. And he almost managed to do so.

 

You must acknowledge that this guy is a hypocritical and that you need to put a lot of distance between you. You have to forget about him. He is not your bestfriend and he never will, he is just using you.

 

If most people in your school don't like him, it is because they can "see" what he is, and you are not capable to. May be you are just too nice to conceive his way of acting. It does not matter, what counts is that you realize this now AND that people still don't like him. You still are more popular, and you should leave this friendship before his unpopularity stains upon you. Go back to your old self and friends and say you made a mistake.

 

It is VERY probably that he will try his best to put you down and talk in your back. If that is the case, you'll have to defend yourself and use your popularity to put him in his place. Life is not a garden of roses, the Kingdom of God has not come yet, the lion and the lamb cannot be friends. The time for peace has not come, but you need to be strong and defend yoursef.

[lostlove]

i thought of something else to add. maybe you should start trying to make some other friends. when he sees you making other friends, he'll realize that you are no longer depending on him, relying on him as your only friend. make him realize that you could dump him for other friends, so he shouldn't take you for granted.

[SaSaRai]

thanks for that advice..... but how he is acting is totally fake and nothing but a lie, he ALWAYS LIES, and people dont realize it, and him "copying everything i say and do" is making people like him more because they dont know this..... then in the time that he talks to other people when i TRY and talk to him - because he ignores me- gets him 'in good' with other people......... we share a locker and he took my HISTORY worksheet to class and these preppy popular girls who I used to be friends with are in that class with him, and I had of the right answers on my history worksheet, and he took it and gave them all of the answers saying it was his and now they worship him and think hes so great..... cant he TOTALLY just see that they are using him? This makes me MAD!!!

 

I dont know if I could do that though... i mean, what if i do something like that and then I regret it later?(if we werent friends anymore) I dont know how I would deal with that......

[Francis]

I don't think there is any hope of salvaging the friendship, because there is no friendship there, only envy. He is a total hypocrit and you know that. Why do you keep worrying about all this? Just leave it behind and start again.

[SaSaRai]

Its so hard..... we've been through a lot ...... even though we've only knew eachother for 7 months

[Francis]

Well, sometimes you have to leave what is bad for you. That's life. Just turn the page and start again. He does not deserve your friendship, he is extremely manipulative, he is no good for you. Just run away from him.

 

After all he's done to you, you dont seem to realize that he is not a good friend. He will try to steal everything from you, believe me. Forget the whole thing, now!

[lostlove]

i know it's hard to let go of friends. but sometimes it's just what you have to do. you can't pretend forever. it seems to me that you miss your old friends, and you miss being popular. in a way, you envy him as well, because you know that you can't suck up to other people like that. you feel torn between keeping your pride after leaving those other friends, and going back to the life that you loved. of course, all of this may not be true, but that's my guess. he's using you and you know it. of course he is a human being, so let him down softly. don't be too harsh. maybe someday he'll realize how stupid he was in mistreating you like that and appoligize. it'll be hard, trust me, but once you get over at least a week of not talking to him much, it'll be a lot easier. of course you don't have to take my advice, it's your choice completely. just choose what you think would be better for the both of you. maybe he'd be better off without you, maybe not. it's your choice.

[SaSaRai]

isnt there something I could try before I did something that durastic? I really wish things would work out... I just really dont know how to talk about this.... what to say....... I would really like to know that if things DONT work out... at least I gave it my best shot.

[SaSaRai]

any ideas on how I could talk to him? should I just be straight up with him and let it all loose so he knows what this is doing?

[Francis]

Your friend is hypocritical and manipulative. I bet you anything that he will deny everything unless you put some hard evidence in front of him, and even then, he will find a way to justify himself and make YOU feel paranoid.

 

You must learn to trust your gut feelings. This guy has no values and he won't appreciate your sincerity. I am telling you this because I have already undergone some similar abuse.

 

However, you should whatever you find comfortable doing. We all learn at our own pace. If you want to talk to him, then talk to him. However, I personally believe that it won't make him become a better person. But you can always try. We are all here to support you in all you do, unconditionally.

 

Take care!

[SaSaRai]

thanks.... ive reflected on what you have all said and I tried to sit down and talk to him about it.... I think things are working out SOMEWHAT... but I guess I'll give it just a little more chance and see if I want to stick with it. Thanks for all your help!

[shademan]

Hmmmm Americans and popularity , highschool , proms and all that

ok i was popular in my highschool in fact they still mention my name till that day but who gives a flying @!#%$!@#% everyone liked me because i didn't care i did what i wanted whenever i wanted . i was angry and i was rebelious ..... i was stupid maybe thats why .Now i am fighting with myself more than anything ... you want advice i don't give advice i can tell you my experiences and you can improvise or whatever .

 

Popular isn't gonna feed him , popular isn't gonna get him a car or house popular is just a drug that's gonna satisfy him temporarly till thats thing you call highschool is over then it's The Real World you and him have to face . when people look at him later on with empty pockets they are not gonna look at him as the popular guy back in school but the stupid poor kid who wasted his future .

 

I wish humanity good luck .

[SaSaRai]

finally... something that makes a lot of sense.... thanks shademan