Is my ex being mean/disrespectful? Or is it just me?

[ordmaj26]

Be prepared for a lengthy story. Just a quick background detail, my ex-girlfriend and I are both 17 and seniors in high school.

 

So, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me a month ago because we had been fighting and bickering for about 3 weeks before the breakup. It wasn't constant fighting, we had good times even within those 3 weeks, and they weren't really bad fights either. We had dated for 4 months only but, we had a very strong and fun relationship besides the last 3 weeks. We fought over stupid mundane things and we also fought, for the last week of the 3 week period, about fighting itself. She would say that we were "too different" and had "different ways of doing things" and thats why we fought while I essentially blamed her because she is, admittedly so, afraid of confrontation. I argued with her that she let things build up and wouldn't open up to me so I wouldn't even know if I were doing anything wrong until it was too late. She countered by saying I just had to stop being so "stupid" and then we wouldn't have any problems. About four days before we broke up, we had a talk where she said that she felt things weren't the same anymore. It hit me hard and unexpectedly because, even though we had been fighting, in my mind we still had a good relationship (we had a lot of great times and were continually having more right before the breakup) and the fights were a temporary roadblock and once we got over it things would be even better. I teared up a little when she told me this and I really can't remember anything else but grabbing her, looking her in the eye, telling her "we're going to be okay", and kissing her. I don't know what happened over the next four days but she asked to meet up and we did. She told me she thought things weren't working out, that she was tired of all the fighting, and she thought it best to be just friends. I was devastated but didn't show it to her. I said something like "Well if you aren't happy then its not worth it but I do think you're doing this very prematurely. We're just going through a rough patch. But like I said, if your not happy then its not worth it." and then we hugged and said bye. I was honestly so heartbroken and hurt down to the core. I never really expected it and even when I knew it was coming (as soon as she asked to meet up), I couldn't prepare myself for it. I texted her that same night saying breaking up just doesn't feel right and tried to convince her otherwise. She was so adamant on her position and basically kept saying "I'm sorry but I think it's best if we just remain friends" and I kept on trying to convince her asking her to reconsider and she eventually just said that she would never reconsider. I tried to leave her alone but my desperation got the best of me and I kept asking her to meet up and I kept on contacting her. Eventually I realized that was futile and I tried a different approach. I left her alone for about two and a half weeks and before that I told her I understood and accepted the breakup and that I was trying to move on, even though I didn't feel that way at all. During those two weeks I talked to her friends and they said she didn't want a relationship anymore but still cared about me a lot and wanted be friends. So, I slowly started texting her again and pretty much had one-way conversations. She would respond but it was usually brief, without much detail, or something that wouldn't carry on the conversation at all. She never asked anything about me at all (besides asking how I was the first time we began texting again) or texted me first. Everything she said seemed forced and I could tell she was just trying to be nice. She obviously wasn't interested and in my mind I felt as though she really didn't even want to be friends which really hurt. Finally I had enough of the stupid, awkward and fake small talk and just drove over to her house. On my way I called her and this is basically the conversation:

Me: "I feel crazy for doing this but let's meet up to talk"

Her: "......About what?"

Me: "About us, our relationship"

Her: "I've pretty much said everything I've wanted to say"

Me: "I'm on my way to your house right now, at least see me and talk to me"

Her: "I really don't think thats such a good idea"

Me: "Fine but can I at least say what I wanted to say?" (I pulled over to talk and decided to not go to her house)

Her: "Sure"

I cant do word for word here but we talked for a little while and I said I missed her and the good times we had but she said she didn't want a relationship with me anymore. I asked her why because I didn't, and still don't, understand why she broke up with me. I asked her if it was just because she didn't like me anymore/feel attracted to me anymore or if it was because of the fighting and she said it was both those things. She then told me I was being too hard on myself about this whole thing and that I had to move on and that there are a lot more girls out there who would love to talk to me. I said I understand that but I wanted her and that I've only been so hard on myself because I care about her a lot and that I really thought we had a great relationship. I said I saw a good future and that we had a lot of good things coming. She then was like but we only dated for three months (yeah.... she subtracted a month), I don't see why you're doing this. I said yeah but it was a great four months (she didn't say anything about this) and we had a very good and strong relationship. She then brought up how it was "weird" that I talked to her friends and wasn't moving on. I said that it was because I just wanted to talk to her but couldn't and had to hear something. I then told her that I thought she was being really reserved and vague when we talked and I could thought that she really didn't even want to be friends. She said that its because its so soon after the breakup and that she wanted to be friends but not so that we talked that much. She basically defined friendship with me as hugging and saying hi to me when he saw me and then talking to each other rarely... nothing more. To me, thats not a friendship but I didn't say that and just said that I felt a month is long enough to be able to talk comfortably. That is basically all I can remember and after that I sent her a long text saying I'm sorry, I had a weak moment, it was wrong of me to ever involve her friends etc. but got no response. Then I sent her a text the next day saying I was sorry and that what I did what immature and some other stuff but got no response. Then today I sent her another text saying "I realize you don't wanna talk to me. I'm sorry that's how things are, I didn't handle the breakup right and screwed up multiple times, I get that now. We're over and I gotta start acting like we are. At least let me know if your forgive me or hate me or think I'm crazy or whatever it is haha just tell me something that's the truth." to which she responds "I forgive you but I don't appreciate all these texts and I don't want you send me anymore." When I read that I get really angry because its a nicer way of saying "**** off." I asked for the truth and I got it. I'm done with her because what she said shows me how mean, self-centered, immature and disrespectful she is. Maybe I'm wrong here but I believe it's wrong to blow someone off like that and its even worse when its an ex who you know for a fact is still hurting and that you broke their heart. Also if you can't have a civilized conversation with an ex without getting all irritated then it just shows your immature. I also asked her not to tell anyone about my surprise visit/phone call thing because I had a very weak moment... that same night I see one of her friends while I'm working who waved to me when I waved at her but then acted like I didn't exist when she was right next to me talking to someone else and then the next day I see another one of her friends (what luck...) and she tells me I need to get it together. Obviously she told people. I don't know... is she a total *****? or am I wrong? If she's a ***** do I just cold shoulder her and never really talk to her again or do I express what I truly think about her? If I'm wrong... how do I even go about fixing this mess if she doesn't even want to talk to me or do I just count it as a loss and move on?

[MikNomis]

sorry bro, but you really pushed her to the limit. I know you're hurting and all, but you can't keep using that as a reason to continuously hound her for answers that she already gave you. It's not about her forgiving you, she's past that. She has no feelings for you and I'm sorry but you can't forcefully bring them back. She gave you some really strong hints that she didn't want to get back with you or even want to talk. You gotta leave her alone and heal yourself, anything else you do is only making things worse for both of you.

[appies]

you might want to copy and paste some paragraphs in that if you want any advice, its really hard to follow. It sounds like you put your heart on the line and got burned. I'm sorry, it hurts but its a valuable lesson for your next relationship. You're 17, she wasn't the one, there will be plenty more to come. It will heal over time and you will learn from this on how maintain your future relationships.

 

I'm sorry she is being mean, but you've pushed things, made her feel too much, break ups are full of emotions, and if you don't respect each others space things get nasty. She dumped you and as much as it hurts she wasn't happy dating you anymore, with your guys history a real friendship wont be possible. The best thing you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. There will be someone else you can date that you can communicate better with. The fact that she avoids confrontation likely means that she has trouble dealing with emotions and thats why she lashed out, you made her feel too much. You neeed someone who can feel the same emotions as you, someone who you are more compatiable with. Good luck enjoy the present.

[ordmaj26]

sorry, I wrote that really quick since I have a lot of homework. You guys are right though, I pushed her too far away and she obviously doesn't want anything to do with me. It's gonna take time for these wounds to heal and thats what we both need. I can take away a positive from this by knowing that I at least tried, I never gave up on her until it was blatantly obvious her feelings were gone. Thanks for your advice though, I needed someone else's perspectives on this because I'm way too emotional and biased about the whole subject. Anything else would be much appreciated.

[throwaway13]

sorry, I wrote that really quick since I have a lot of homework. You guys are right though, I pushed her too far away and she obviously doesn't want anything to do with me. It's gonna take time for these wounds to heal and thats what we both need. I can take away a positive from this by knowing that I at least tried, I never gave up on her until it was blatantly obvious her feelings were gone. Thanks for your advice though, I needed someone else's perspectives on this because I'm way too emotional and biased about the whole subject. Anything else would be much appreciated.

 

There's really not much else to advise. Any further "push" on your part will result in more of a "pull" on hers. The ONLY option left is to move on before the situation gets worse. If she comes back to you, that's fantastic, but DON'T let that be your motivation.