Love of my life is scared...

[DJ_Element]

Let me just introduce myself and her briefly. I live in Cape Town, South Africa. She lives just outside San Francisco, California, USA. Yes, thats a HUGE distance...literally half a world away. I'm 19, she's 18. I have just gotten a job, it doesn't pay much but it keeps me going for now. Neither of us or our families are well off - so we can't just pay the $2000 / ZAR13000 to get on a plane. We are both quite shy, quiet people who would rather curl up with a good book than go to a party. She and I are also relative newbies to the whole relationship thing...especially me, I am totally clueless.

 

Now, back to the beginning. We met online through a non-dating website (if you must know...it was link removed) - I saw her profile and needless to say I nearly fainted, she is so beautiful. So I sent her a message and it turns out that we feel the same about what we want from a partner. So we have been together for just over 4 months. I love her madly, I think about her all the time, my choices I make in life these days have her as a factor (i.e. "What would she think about this...would she like this?")

 

I know we haven't met yet, and for financial reasons we won't meet for a little while still, we have both told each other that we love each other. We communicate quite a lot, despite the 8-hour time difference. There are a few problems though. And here is where I start listing them

 

Her and I are different in that I am very vocal and I am constantly expressing my affection for her, talking about her, telling her she's beautiful, giving her poems and songs that I wrote and produced. The problem with this is that she sometimes doesn't really respond to it, and she doesn't let me know how she really feels about it. In fact, it's not just when I give her something...In general she's a very quiet person who doesn't share her feelings as much as I do (by far.) We have discussed this between us, I told her that sometimes I worry because I don't know what she's thinking or feeling and I don't know whether I'm doing the right things or not. She apologized to me, saying that she's always been like that but she'll try and change it.

 

Now there have been times where she's said something innocently that shows me she truly cares...little comments that come up out of the blue that make me feel like a million bucks...but it doesn't happen often.

 

Basically, the problem is, I think she's either struggling to change it, or hasn't tried at all, because she's still not very expressive and basically doesn't let me into her mind.

 

Now question #1) Am I being unreasonable by asking her to try let me into her mind like that? I don't want to CHANGE her, just want her to know that she can tell me everything and that I want to know everything that she's feeling...but maybe I am pushing her too much (and as such possibly pushing her away...which she tells me I'm not)

 

Questions #2,3,4 and 5) Should I be worried that she's not being very open with her feelings? Could she be scared of opening up to me? If so, what can I do to help her come out of her shell? Am I going about this in the wrong way?

 

Okay, then there's another thing...we've discussed serious issues like moving to be together...and I get the feeling that although she wants to be with me, she doesn't want to leave her family, friends and life in general behind...or rather...she's SCARED to leave them behind. Financially it makes more sense for her to move to South Africa, as I am nurturing a career here in webdesign. I have assured her that I will take care of her and together we can make it though. She is still on the fence, uncertain of what she wants to do. At first it seemed as though she really wanted me to come there and now she's a little more on the neutral side. I am also scared, I don't particularly want to leave my home either...so I know how she feels. I have told her that if it's the only way we'll be together, I would move to the USA for her, despite it not being the best thing financially. Now for the questions.

 

Question #1, 2 and 3) Is it normal for there to be fears of moving like that? Is it also normal for her as a woman to be naturally more fearful of a big change like this? Is there anything I can do to make her less fearful of moving?

 

Question #4) What can I do to convince her to move here with me and letting me take care of her??

 

I love her so very much, and I know she loves me deep down, and I realise that this is just another test of a long-distance love, but I really need some help, or someone to help me see the light!! I would greatly appreciate the help, and I apologize for the major length of this post!

[uongy]

i think that 1)you are being a little quick and 2)unreasonable.

 

now,dont think that im not on your side,ive been there with a long distance relationship and let me tell you that its was both the best and worst experience of my life at the same time!i know what im talking about.

 

first,the shyness thing.....it cant be helped that she is shy and perhaps not so open as you would like.it comes with time.its a comfort thing.you havent known each other that long but she is forced into a situation where she has to communicate completely verbally.that is difficult even for the most talkitive to talk about this and that.just give this aspect time and im sure will open up.it doesnt imply anything about her feelings at all.

 

second,asking her to move away from what she knows and has lived with all her life is a very serious matter.it may be simple for you to move away but she has family and others to consider.she cant pack up and leave so quickly.i think you know this but please remember that this is her complete going to be changed.you have only been going out for a few months.let the relationship develop and see what happens.last thing you want to do this cause pressure on her or otherwise you will get hurt.

 

im saying this because i have been there.i know you love her and im sure she loves you too.but being long-distannce,its very delicate and it has to be dealt with carefully.by all means talk to her about the issues but please dont put pressure on her to make firm decisions about her future.

 

hope ive helped.any Qs please post back.good luck with it all and take care.

[DJ_Element]

Thank you for your reply, and I do understand where you are coming from. I did tell her that I wasn't trying to pressure her into anything and that it would take a while before any thoughts of actually moving would really come into play.

 

Edit: Thank you for your good wishes, and you have helped. I obviously would like more opinions on this to get a general idea, but yeah, I appreciate your thoughts!

 

 

[uongy]

no problems.i just wanted to hand some of my experience over to you.

 

let me just say that i was in the same position as you and i got hurt(and i still am if you look at my posts).i loved that girl so much that i was willing to move down there to be with her.i was 16 and she was just 14.we were both naive and i guess inexperienced.of course,at the time i thought i had it all worked out.but despite all the pain that it caused me,im glad im still where i am,and i still have hope for the future(im going to university next October).

 

my main school of thought is that just to think things through properly.no way am i criticising being in love(i wish i still was!)but it does make you think a little odd.and you being in the situation you are in,decisions have to be correct for the sake of your life,not just your heart.

 

just some food for thought!take care.

[tea]

It's natural that she's hesitant to move in with you. You two haven't even met yet and I assume you don't know each other for more than a year?

 

... how do you know your life style will be compatible? If you two do break up, what is she to do that she's half a world away from her home?

 

She's 18... she can be going to college in America. If that's the case, most colleges in America have better reputation than colleges elsewhere, isn't it in her best interest to stay in America for school?

 

 

... oh, don't ask people to open up so quickly. They'll open up when they'll open up.

[DJ_Element]

Thanks tea,

 

I dont think you realise that if I move over there, I'm half a world away too...I know that it seems that I'm rushing it, and I am trying not to push the issue. I have told her that we can wait as long as it takes, and we have agreed that it's a good idea not to rush anything.

 

We don't know that our lifestyles will be totally compatible...in fact its not NORMAL for a lifestyle to just be "compatible" like that...so that isn't too much of an issue. And if we break up, I will ensure that she CAN get home if she wants to.

 

As far as I understand it, she's not doing the college thing...not yet at least.

 

I don't expect her to just open up, and I wasn't asking whether I should ask her to open up or not, I asked if it was normal for her to be fearful of certain things.

 

Anyway, I appreciate your comments!

[KBlade]

Question #4) What can I do to convince her to move here with me and letting me take care of her??

 

Hi,

 

Just wanted to say that in this line you sound maybe a little possessive of her. Caring for her is obviously good but it sounds like you want to completely look after her almost in a "house wife" kinda way, most people would want to feel some independance. Do you know what her life ambitions are? what career she wants to have and how that will happen for her.

 

Its already been said but you really shouldn't press her into making a decission, she knows how you feel about moving together maybe she will come around to the idea, maybe she just does not know what she wants her life to be yet. To answer the main question I think it would not be normal if she was not scared of emigrating halfway around the world to be with someone she has never met face to face.

 

I think everyone agrees with me that you both should meet up and spent some RL time together before considering moving together.

 

It sounds like you really love her and that she loves you so I wish you all the best dude, just take it slow you have only known her a few months, trust takes time to grow. If you are always there for her you will more than likely be the one she turns to when she wants to talk or if she wants a shoulder to cry on.

 

Goodluck!

[DJ_Element]

Hey KBlade

 

Thank you for your insight!

 

I had a good chuckle when I read the "housewife" thing...I do know her dreams and aspirations, she tells me she's uncertain of what she wants to do. If she was set on going to college or doing a certain career I wouldn't have brought the issue up so early. I do know that I do get a little possessive at times, so I'll try to be less like that.

 

I think I forgot to mention that I have suggested to her that we have a visit first, I did suggest that she come here (I offered to pay more than half the ticket price - once I got the cash) so that she can know what South Africa is like before we make any 'decisions' - and she agreed on that idea. But I guess I jumped the gun a bit with the whole moving thing.

 

I do love her, and I will take it slowly and hopefully everything will work out

 

Thank you!!

[Shieldfan]

Hi DJ. I kinda recognize your situation in mine. I have a gf since bout 6 months, and if u want the background, you can read my earlier posts =) I´m gonna go visit my gf for christmas and new years, and that will be our first meeting IRL, so then we will see if we are meant to be. I have had many advices and lotsa help in this forum, so i´m passing a little help to you too =) I have told myself to not push it, but to wait until we meet, and then see if it works out, because the third dimension is still missign in our relationship. And i think you should do the same, wait until you meet, and then see what happens, and move on from there. Someone said here to me "it either works or not". It´s really that simple. I was way to pushy and controlling towards my gf, and that´s only bad, especially since we haven´t met. So i´m waiting for my trip in December, with an open mind, and i told my gf that too =)

 

I wish you good luck DJ, and hope it works between you guys

 

/ Shieldfan