Don't have expectations, have STANDARDS.

[mtski]

People always say, don't have expectations, but you know what i finally realized? That is like telling someone not to have standards. There's a fine line between those two things, but they're almost one in the same. I would get let down in my relationship because maybe my boyfriend didn't do that exact thing I imagined in my head, and I have definitely learned a lesson about that and to be grateful for everything a person does for you. However, it wasn't until my ex boyfriend and I made up last week that I realized because I had expectations of how we would reunite, when we actually did, it's not that he did anything wrong, but it's just that I realized it's not what I want.

 

I had this big beautiful story in my head, that he would remember how much he screwed up and be sending me emails and flowers and songs because he's over seas. So, when our emails were somewhat formal, I realized THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT. It took us not talking and making up to realize I want the fireworks of a relationship and that feeling you get when someone is interested in you just as much as you are interested in them and someone that can't wait to hear from me and can't wait to tell me all about their day.

 

I used to have that with him. It was wonderful. And all this time I thought once we talk again and make up, all of that is just automatically going to happen. And you know what, it didn't. It didn't because he isn't interested anymore. And I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up because someone doesn't like me. I want someone that loves me just as much as I love me and can't wait to talk to me and can't wait to get a message from me and absolutely can't resist emailing me or texting me good morning or hi just because I'm on their mind.

 

All this time I have been holding on to something that I don't even want. Even up until last week before I spoke with him I still thought one day we will end up back together and get married when the time is right. It's true what everyone says, something just clicks, all of a sudden you're over it. I realized that I love him very much still, but I'm just not in love with him anymore. And to be quite honest, that's probably only because he stopped trying to make me fall in love with him, but i have certainly fallen out of love with him.

 

When you reunite with someone you do have expectations to a point, but this was different in a way I can't explain. Maybe it's that I'm focusing on myself more and getting back into running and taking classes I enjoy. I started talking to a few guys and one would text me at 4 a.m. I was not having that. Know why? Standards. Because i know what i want. Then another guy kept texting me to small talk and it's been like a month and mentioned if I never get better we will never be able to have a drink. So, once I was better I told him and guess what?! He didn't use that as an opportunity to ask me out! He just keeps beating around the bush. No thank you! Maybe he's slightly interested or talking to someone else, but I don't want slightly interested. I want what I had before. That indescribable excitement where you just can't stay away from the person. You have no choice, something else takes over you. I want that again.

 

SO! What I realized today after being removed from my breakup and not speaking to my ex for three months is that he's right back on ground level with every other guy. It's like he never did the things he did that won me over in the first place. I need someone that wants to get my attention and he's not, so I'll move on. Now I know what I want and if someone doesn't meet my standards of how I would like to be treated I simply keep moving, because now I know what I want and I won't waste my time with anyone who isn't that.

 

So go ahead! Have expectations! Imagine how anything in life is going to go and if it doesn't work out that way, keep walking. Life could surprise you and be even better than you hoped. But, if it's less, at least you know and that's you're sign to move on.

[Kamisaur]

My rule of thumb is to never date a guy who isn't completely into you. If they aren't making an effort to see you, talk to you, learn about you, etc, then they probably aren't all that into you. Don't play games and don't humour anyone attempting to play games with you.

 

As my grandmother says 'don't marry the one you love, marry the one that loves you back'

[Lazyg1rl]

Well said! Thanks for sharing

[mtski]

i agree. over the years i was always interested in the ones that played games and now i cant stand it! in fact i run fast as hell in the opposite direction. so why should my ex be an exception. he used to be interested but hes not anymore. that's probably the hardest thing to accept because that is what hurt so much. i like that from your grandmother. it's funny because i always hear, marry someone who loves you more and i have to disagree because then you're not completely happy. i like that. marry the one that loves you back. thanks for sharing that

[Ayanokōji]

Not having expectations is a form of defense whereby you don't put your hope onto someone else so whether the other party does what you expect or not you won't be hurt since you never had expectations in the first place.

 

Having standards is like if you don't measure up then good bye, its a filter whereby you are filtering out the incompatible people.

[Staples 29]

I wholeheartedly understand what you mean about expectations. But if you don’t have expectations from someone you decide to share your life with ; who pray tell should you then have expectations of?

 

Not having expectations (reasonable expectations that is) of a partner is akin to telling them to treat you however they like; you have to demand whatever you want from the relationship. I don’t see it as dependency; and I can say that proudly because I am generally a very self-sufficient person emotionally and psychologically. But anything otherwise quite frankly is not worth my while as in saying you don’t have expectations of me, I might as well be as interchangeable as the lady at the corner store selling you liquor.

 

You should see the scene in ‘Did you hear about the Morgans?’ where SJP was talking to Sam Elliot about how to make a marriage work . The quote is “You should expect everything from each other. Marriage don’t make any sense. You gotta stop thinking about it, get over the bull**** and make it work.”

 

It saddens me when people say they don’t have expectations of their partners. Just like the OP, all I hear is I have no standards set for my relationship. Most times also it usually is from people who have been treated badly in their relationships. I identify it as a self-worth issue. I have never come accross a strong couple who didn’t appear to have expectations of each other.

I've also never heard of a partnership that thrived with both parties having no expectations of each other. For example, you would expect a lawyer representing you to do his best on your case as he would expect you to provide him/her with all information necessary to be present his case in the best way possible. But when it comes to personal relationships we are all so quick to say we have no expectations of our partners. Self defence maybe but such a flawed approach. Respecting your partner’s expectations also demonstrates the level of commitment one has to the relationship. I for one will expect my partner to respect me, want the best for me and try to work at things when there are problems and vice versa.

 

I’m glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I'm sorry if I've gone on a little rant. I have a friend who I don't see having a fulfilling relationship anytime soon because she holds on to this principle coupled with her negativity steadfastly. Sigh

[mtski]

you definitely took my quote more literally than it was meant to be taken.

 

Not having expectations is a form of defense whereby you don't put your hope onto someone else so whether the other party does what you expect or not you won't be hurt since you never had expectations in the first place.

 

Having standards is like if you don't measure up then good bye, its a filter whereby you are filtering out the incompatible people.

[mtski]

i guess my headline was inspired by people telling me over and over again while reconnecting with my ex "don't have any expectations". They really go hand in hand in a way. You can't have standards without having expectations. however, i feel like those are expectations of yourself and your value and how you want things to go. you can't control what other people do and how they do it. but you can set standards of how you would like things and if it's not even close to what you "expect" out of people, you know its time to walk. marriage is a totally different ball game. that changes all the rules. i think when you're dating, you're trying to find a fit, and you might find the right person that treats you how you want and then maybe once you know that person, you can expect certain things from them, but even then you're somewhat setting yourself up to be disappointed. and when you expect things, i think you take things for granted, i do.

 

example (possibly a bad one). my last valentines day, i really went all out for my boyfriend. i mean i got him stupid little things, boys dont care, but i made him a hand made valentine and put thought into the small token of my affection that i got him. he came in with multi colored roses and a monkey balloon that said i love you and a beer (inside joke). but for some reason, i expected more, i expected something more special, something from the heart, maybe a card telling me his feelings, because thats what i did. so because i expected more, it took away from what he got me, which was very sweet and very thoughtful and it was my first valentine!! BUT had i just been open to being happy with whatever he had brought me that day because what he brought wasnt what mattered, the fact that spent the day together and he thought of me, i would have been much happier in life that day.