Fallen, Can't Get Up

[sharky988]

So, I feel like I've hit a real low point.

 

After 2 months of NC my ex sent me an email on New Year's Eve -- it arrived just an hour before midnight. It was long and heartfelt and really upset me. Basically apologizing again for how things happened (he dumped me for someone more geographically convenient) and saying he really missed having me in his life and thought about me all the time and wished we could still talk like we used to and write together and that the breakup had been hard on him, too. He said he wanted to leave the door open and that I could contact him and be in his life at any time, in 5 minutes or 5 or 10 years from now. He said over and over that he really had cared about me and he hoped knowing that made me feel better.

 

There was no mention of the woman he dumped me for, I assume they're still together.

 

I thought I was doing pretty well with this breakup but that email just set me right back. It feels like he just broke up with me again.

 

I thought I could just shake it off in a few days, but I've felt so much worse since he sent it. I can't sleep more than an hour or two at a time and tears keep springing in my eyes for no reason, like I'm always about to burst into tears.

 

This is why I hate contact!!!!!!!

 

I'm such a NC Nazi that of course I intended to leave it and not reply. But as the days went by I got angry, thinking over the circumstances of our breakup -- he just called me up out of the blue one day and said he "had already started seeing someone else." We were a LDR. I was completely blindsided. I begged him to work things out. He said he had no feelings for me anymore. That he didn't know this woman very well or think she was as special as I was, but that he was going to see where things went with her. After the breakup, he never contacted me again -- until this email, 2 months later.

 

Finally after a week, I sent him a reply.

 

I told him friendship was not going to happen. I told him that to say he "cared" -- after the way he dumped me for some woman he barely knew, with no warning or chance to work things out, right before the holidays -- was an insult to who I am and what we had. I asked him to please just leave me alone from now on.

 

I honestly don't expect to hear from him again. I worded it to keep him from contacting me again,

 

WHAT is the point of telling someone over and over how sorry you are -- how much you care -- when you have no interest in getting back together??? WHY do that to someone?? So you can feel better about yourself and better about what you did to them??

 

I've NEVER done what he did to me to another human being. I wouldn't treat a dog the way he treated me.

 

He just felt guilty because New Year's Eve has a very special significance in my career and he knew I was probably spending that special night still heartbroken over what he did while he was out having a romantic time with the woman he cheated on me with. So he sent me an apology email to ease his guilt -- then went out to celebrate the holiday with his new girlfriend and kiss her at midnight feeling like a really good person.

 

IF they're even still together -- why couldn't he have shared THAT little bit of information??? Because it's not like I'm going to jump up and agree to be his friend while he's still sleeping with her -- is he actually thinking that's a possibility in this lifetime??

 

Ugghhhh!!! I wouldn't be friends with him anyway, so I guess it doesn't even matter.

 

Oh well. Just venting I guess. Sorry it's so long. Thanks for reading, my fellow lonelyhearts..... any thoughts or comments are of course much appreciated.

[Angel Irulan]

I had a holiday rubber band guy many years ago. He called me on Christmas morning to say he'd lost my number but had just found it! I hung up on him right after that sentence. I'd seen him walking through the link hand in hand with another girl.

Some guys just have nerve beyond nerve. That's what it sounds like he has. Forget him, ignore all contact with him from now on.

 

Angel

[MapleCanuck]

Hi, I'm a guy and respect your resolve in maintaining NC!

 

I sent a NC email to my ex after she chose to lie to me about other men and disrespected me by spending late night out with male friends who clearly wanted more than to be just friends.

 

NC is a commitment, but I consider it a commitment to my self-respect. Yes, it's natural to miss an ex, but I realize we tend to focus on the good and forget what hurt us.

 

Your ex cheated, game over. He probably feels guilty a bit and wants to mend things to make himself feel better and stroke his ego at the same time.

 

We are right to move on. Would we want our next partner not being over their exes? Your ex will find that a small percentage of people are emotionally honest. Getting laid is easy, being loved and respected is harder to come by.

[pixel clouds]

Argh, I can totally empathise with you, I think your rant will strike a chord with a lot of us here! I hate the fact that they think they can send an email or something as a way of alleviating their own guilt and not recognise (or worse still, not care) that it just causes us more pain.

 

My ex also left me during a period of LDR, also a complete blind-side. Just an email saying he was putting my things in storage. Recently he sent me a text saying how could I throw away 5 and a half years by cutting him out of my life... no mention of how he threw it away when he broke up with me without even waiting a week for us to discuss it face-to-face.

 

He has no entitlement to talk to you or write together like you used to, how does he not realise that he doesn't deserve that no matter how much he misses you?!. I hope your eventual reply was suitably cutting!

[sharky988]

Thanks for the replies, Angel and MC!

 

 

 

Thanks : ) My reply was kind of MEAN actually -- I feel kind of bad about it now. But you're right -- I shouldn't because he has no right to contact me anymore.

 

The way things ended was so UNLIKE him..... it just still kills me. I know he's never treated anyone so badly in his life and he felt terrible about it -- but he still DID IT. And now since he's made contact again, it's like I'm going through re-thinking everything again..... UGGGHHHHHH!!! hahahahaaaa

[pixel clouds]

Don't feel bad, he deserved it!

 

Blindsides are the worst It feels like it just takes so long to accept it, especially if it was so out of character. I'm not sure I've even fully accepted my breakup after 6 weeks.

 

Hopefully now he won't contact you again and you'll be able to get back on track.

[sharky988]

Don't feel bad, he deserved it!

 

Blindsides are the worst It feels like it just takes so long to accept it, especially if it was so out of character. I'm not sure I've even fully accepted my breakup after 6 weeks.

 

Hopefully now he won't contact you again and you'll be able to get back on track.

 

That's the sad part is that I still DO want him to contact me..... only not like this, just offering breadcrumbs to make himself feel better.

[Elektra22]

Hi Sharky I feel your pain my ex contacted me after 9 months of no contact, disappeared for another 5 weeks after I replied, and last week wrote me again each time telling me how very much he misses me, telling me he's worried about me, hoping that we can be friends, and wanting to know what's happening in my life, and hoping to hear from me soon. It totally tore open all the wounds that were starting to heal and now I, too, feel like I have regressed. Idk why they do it I have a few theories, but it just feels like he's jerking me around and playing with my head right now. I'm so sorry you're going thru this too hugssss.

[sharky988]

Thank you -- I'm sorry you're going through this but it really does help to know I'm not crazy for feeling so upset by something like an email!

 

I don't understand why, if they care so much, they don't just try to get back together. It's like, you break up with someone -- leave them alone!! Either you pick them or you don't..... you don't get to spend the rest of your life reaching out and reminding them how important they were to you. Obviously, they weren't THAT important, or you wouldn't have dumped them!!!

[Elektra22]

Exactly Sharky- I am totally befuddled by this also, if he misses me oh so much, is all worried about me, is so interested in what's going on in my life then why for the love of god did he throw me and us away like total garbage and why is he is he now, after all this time has passed, suddenly feeling the need to barge back into my life of his own accord, and offering me these ridiculous sentiments? I am an insomniac, so I'm used to not sleeping much, but this has messed up my sleep patterns even more, and my emotions are all over the place. I finally thought I had closure in that I hadn't heard from him in so long that he must never have loved me at all and I was at peace with that and now he's torn me up inside all over again and for what purpose? I sure as hell do not want to be friends, I mean does he think I eventually want to hear about him and his new gf (if he even has one right now), or that one day he is going to get married and have kids, and everything that he promised to me he'll be giving to someone else? That will just destroy every last part of me and I cannot put myself thru that particular kind of hell. You're so right, if we were that important they would have fought like hell to keep us and our relationships intact, would have pulled out all the stops to prove their love, loyalty and commitment and instead this is what we get? No thanks, not going to let him disrespect me anymore and shred what's left of my heart. If he's not going to apologize for all the hell he's put me thru, do everything he can to get me back and make up for what he's done, then I am so not interested and I have no desire to talk to him again. Period.

[sharky988]

Yeah, and I was reading in your other post that he waited 5 weeks to reply -- then gave you some lame excuse about him being too sick to reply sooner?? What did he have that was so bad it took him 5 weeks to get over???

 

Seriously that response time would have driven me insane. Are you just going straight back to NC or are you going to send him a reply telling him not to contact you again?

[Elektra22]

Well he has an autoimmune condition (a genetic disorder that causes him to have a constant low WBC), and when he first contacted me he did mention that he spent an hour in the ER and they charged him 5k for it, but he didn't go into details and then 5 weeks later he gave me his I've been sick excuse but also mentioned that he'd been at a friend's house 2 days prior before he wrote me and had passed out I will paste the emails they're not long so you can undertand it a bit better (don't want to hijack your thread, but since you asked I'm more than happy to comply) :

 

Him: I hope that you and your family are safe from the storm (he was referring to Hurrican Sandy I'm in NY and he's in another state we were in a LDR I didn't see this email until a month later since I had deleted him off of FB and it went into my other bin instead of my main inbox) and I am sorry how things ended between us and I hope that we could be friends one day. Take care sincerely ______.

Me: Sorry I never saw this email from you until tonight it went into my other bin (I never got a message notification either) not the normal inbox messages or I would have answered you sooner... luckily this year we didn't get flooded out like the previous one. I'm sorry also how things ended... Hope everything is well with you and your family please tell your mother "Hi" from me I feel bad I never got to say goodbye to her she was always so kind to me. LOL have you ever been friends with any of your exes before? Take care also...

Him: My Momma asks about you all the time lol, I think she missed you as much as I do, everyone has been well, my Grandmother passed away not long ago but other than that things have been going ok. I made it all the way to an oral interview with the police but I guess they hired two guys who already had police academy graduations and I am now enrolling in EMT classes in the spring. My health took a bad turn recently but I am bouncing back now although the er charged me five grand for an hour! I bought a new car and have just been working a lot.My sister is pregnant with a little girl and ____ is doing well also. Anyway I am glad you are safe and your family is ok I was worried, I am happy to hear from you as I really do miss you very much. Hope to hear from you and thank you for writing me back

 

Me: I'm still kind of reeling in shock, because I truly believed you never thought about me or missed me at all since it's been so long. I am incredibly sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing my condolences to you and your family Aww it sucks that you didn't get that police job- I really was rooting for you and hoped that P90 X (I had bought him the P90 X exercise system at his request as a Valentine's Day present because he was feeling unprepared for the physical part of the Police Exam and I just wanted him to help him succeed and be happy) would have given you the edge, but I guess that life takes unexpected twists & turns sometimes... It's funny you're going back to school because I have also applied for that program (idk if you remember me talking about it or not) to become a medical laboratory scientist, but mine doesn't start until fall. I hate that you had to suffer and be in pain again, but am happy you pulled through. LOL another coincidence my sister is also pregnant with a girl and is due in January. I missed you and your momma also please convey that also to her if you do not mind...

 

Then 5 weeks go by and not a single word from him so this is what he sent me last week:

 

Him: Omg I'm so sick sorry I haven't written in a while I've been sick, how is everything going?

Me: I'm so sorry to hear that- what is wrong? My mother is very ill also. Well, my sister went into labor late last night and is expecting her baby sometime this afternoon so I'm excited for her, but I cannot be fully happy since I'm so worried about my mother. I'll say some prayers for you also since I have been doing a lot of that lately. Hope you feel lots better soon!

Him: I am sorry to hear about your momma, what is she ill with? I know the flu is kicking a lot of people around, but i hope she feels well soon! Congrats to your sister and I hope everything goes well with her too. I actually fainted about two days ago at a friends house, good thing he caught me before I hit the ground. I was out for about twenty seconds I guess because they called an ambulance but I woke up and immediately started throwing up I still dont really know why it happened but canceled the ambulance and went home . Anyway I seem to slowly be getting better so I am keeping my fingers crossed. Did you start school yet? Miss you chica, dont be a stranger. ttyl

 

So that is our lovely correspondence Sharky all I know is he was well enough to go over to a friend's house for 2 days before writing me over a month later and that's what really got to me. I feel just hurt and torn up all over again, yet I still am worried about him- how imbecilic am I? I was initially going to respond and tell him that we cannot be friends and to please not contact me, but I think I should just go complete NC since I have not been able to bring myself to respond to this (it's been 8 days now since his last email), though, because it's crystal clear to me that I am nothing to him now other than some sort of after thought. What do you think? Idk LOL at times I do feel like he's driving me to the brink of insanity

[sharky988]

Well, yeah -- reading the correspondence, I would say it sounds like he was ready for the correspondence to end after you replied to his first email about Hurricane Sandy and general catch-up........... uggghhhhhh, the pain!!! But I think the 5 week delay was deliberate and meant to keep you from thinking he was intending this to be a reconciliation.

 

I agree that you shouldn't contact him again. I don't think he's interested in getting back together. It sounds to me like what he wants is to be pleasant and to feel like "a good guy" -- because even his ex is his friend now. Yuck!!!

 

This is what torments me about my ex...... I know he's so invested in seeing himself as "a good guy" that he's not going to rest until he somehow convinces me NOT to hate him or feel screwed over..... which is pretty impossible after the lying and cheating..... which he swears never happened to him before and "took him by surprise"........ uuuggghhhh............... whatever!!!!

[Reflective82]

I had this with my ex. They hate feeling guilty and not like the "good" guy so they send you this crap to make THEM feel better and also because they want things to be civil between you. It makes them feel uncomfortable and also they don't want you talking to others and bad mouthing them (mine did this after I spoke to a mutual friend and she must have told someone he knew how poorly he behaved). It could mean he IS genuinely sorry and it's better to have an apology than not, but what I hate is them trying to justify it. Don't let him off the hook, I didn't!

[Elektra22]

Thank you so much Sharky your response really helped to solidify my NC decision. Once again your insights are right on the mark! He was always telling me what a good guy he was, how he treated all his exes like princesses and was so good to them, never cheated, etc and they both were unfaithful to him (I was the only gf he's ever had that has been loyal). Yet when we were together he emotionally cheated on me with his latest married ex (who had married one of the guys she cheated on him with) for over the first two months we were together by writing emails to her behind my back saying he loved her, would always love her, would always be there for her, was so lonely without her, was pining for her, etc. until I discovered his deceit. He then professed his love for me, apologized profusely and begged for another chance although he refused to call what he did "cheating" since according to him he never physically cheated with her he would only refer to it as a betrayal. What really smarts is I gave him another chance, trusted him not to hurt me again, and he broke every single promise he ever made to me, and in the end treated me worse than both of his cheating exes combined (even though according to him and his mother I treated him better than anyone else ever had.) I truly believe you're right and then some Sharky he just cannot take a real, honest to God look at himself and see what he really is and what he has done to me and now in his convoluted way he's trying to maybe twist some of the guilt he has over his crappy treatment of me so once again he can pat himself on the back and tell himself what a great guy he is because see he can be "friends" with me and enrich my life with his benevolent ways.

[sharky988]

I had this with my ex. They hate feeling guilty and not like the "good" guy so they send you this crap to make THEM feel better and also because they want things to be civil between you. It makes them feel uncomfortable and also they don't want you talking to others and bad mouthing them (mine did this after I spoke to a mutual friend and she must have told someone he knew how poorly he behaved). It could mean he IS genuinely sorry and it's better to have an apology than not, but what I hate is them trying to justify it. Don't let him off the hook, I didn't!

 

Yep. No one wants to be "the bad guy."

 

I just don't understand how people rationalize these things to themselves. I'm pretty old -- yet somehow I've managed to get through life without blindsiding anyone or dumping them for someone else!

[Reflective82]

It's hard to get the balance between being civil but not letting them think their behaviour was ok. But hopefully in time neither of us will care.

[Intrepid2012]

Hi Sharky,

 

Can I just butt in here and say... uh WHAT? He called you and just told you he was seeing someone else... and that was basically it? That was the break up? No trying to work it out, no conversations about being worried about the LDR?

 

I suppose it's nice in a way that he apologized, but too bad it was 2 months too late. I think you did the right thing. Don't feel guilty for being "mean". You weren't being mean. You were rightfully upset. I'm a strong believer in karma; he'll get what's coming to him. As for all the negative feelings you have, as much as it sucks... he is human. He acted terribly, but he is human. He made a big mistake and he's trying to make up for it now. Maybe you could work on forgiving him (but NOT necessarily being in contact with him, boo to that!) Keep your head up and hang in there!

[sharky988]

Yes! He's an emotional cheater -- which REALLY sheds light on why he finds it so hard to make a clean break with you! Or anyone, sadly......

 

I really feel for you -- I can SO empathize. My ex also has refused to refer to what he did as "cheating"..... even now, he apologizes "for how things happened"..... he's never once acknowledged it, always described it as "I've already started seeing someone else" or "I'm dating someone else now"..... Like, REALLY? How is that NOT lying and cheating to your current girlfriend if you start seeing someone else without telling her?

[sharky988]

Thank you SO SO MUCH for saying that.

 

I too thought it was an unbelievably cruel thing to do. As I said.... I wouldn't treat a dog the way he treated me : (

[Elektra22]

The only positive part of this entire debacle is that I know his mother truly cares about me, misses me, and is reminding him over and over of me (I cannot help but be delighted over that little nugget of information)- she absolutely adored me and the feeling was totally mutual. At least I know that she realizes how good I was to him and I regret I will never give her the grandbabies she was always saying she wanted us to have However, as much as I love her, wish I could still enjoy her amazing company, and will miss our hour long gab fests I know that would be really unhealthy for me and I have to totally immerse myself in full NC, reheal myself and move on- that's my only option. I've often wondered what drew me to ENA in the first place, and now I know it's the amazing people on here like you Sharky, who are so compassionate, giving, and can help us attain the answers which seem so elusive and choose the right path we need to go on. So I just wanted to thank you from my heart and let you know how much I really appreciate you and others on here for giving selflessly and sharing their lives, wisdom, and selves you are top notch all the way! I hope you know you deserve tons better from your ex, too, Sharky cuz he really lost out!

[sharky988]

Thank you!! And I agree -- I really do feel grateful too for the kindness and insight offered up by the people here. : )

[Elektra22]

Oh and PS just wanted to also say (in response to the title of your thread) ok get ready for this I'm going to quote a line from Batman Begins for you:

"Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves back up."

I just want to tell you that I know you are a very strong person, even stronger than you think and that although you're feeling low now, you will get back up, kick some ass, and be better and stronger than before. I have faith in you, because you are the kind of person whose light shines through and will always be brighter than those that try to knock you down. Hope that came out the way I wanted it to (I'm beyond loopy and sleep deprived now so not sure and you know how terrific you are- I have no doubt your ex does too and what a complete moron he is for letting you go!

[sharky988]

Thank you SO MUCH!! That really made my day : )

[Elektra22]

You are most welcome it's the very least I could do, considering how much you give, and making you feel better just made my day so win win!