Morrigan1 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Hi all.. I'll keep this as brief as possible [it's a very long story] My husband left me 16 months ago. We had IVF [successful] and I developed post natal depression as a result of all the drugs and thereafter our son's health issues and not sleeping for almost a year. I hid my PND as best I could - only one of my friends noticed it, my husband never did as he was working so much [always had since he started his own business, it was nothing new] and I really did keep it away from him as I knew he was under pressure with work [did sort of secretly hope he might 'see me' though] Anyway, he left suddenly, stating that I was emotionless and not tactile, that I showed no affection toward him at all and he thought all I wanted was the baby. He's since explained that he felt no love from me and we became so distant I didn't even notice when he was there. He said he asked me for help with his work at one point and I completely dismissed him with a 'no, I'm too busy' - I did say no, but it wasn't dismissive. He's been good to us financially since he left and worships his son [these things have never changed and if he had his way he would see him every day....... with creche and the agreed days, he almost does anyway] So.. he met someone else 2 months later and within a month he'd moved in with her. He was originally living back at his parents but hated it - they were trying to get him to open up, to come home, to eat properly etc and he said it ruined his head. He couldn't afford to find a place of his own. He moved in with this woman 2 streets away which was crippling but I'm learning to live with it. I was utterly and completely devastated when he left. I still am, but I'm trying my hardest to move on and be heappy and healthy now for our son. We tried so hard for so long for our son, we went to hell and back and on top of it having been a 13yr relationship [3yrs married at the time] I felt like my entire future was gone. 2 months before he left we found a new house [we were about to sign the papers!?] and not a fortnight before he got up and walked out, he told me he wanted us to have another baby - he had even chosen the following June as a suggestion to return to the fertility clinic to begin. He hasn't really explained any of that, nor really why he chose to stay with his girlfriend [no matter how many times I asked him to come back to us - which I've not done for months now] He did add though in some form of explanation, that he doesn't believe I feel the way I do about him but rather the state of me [better now] with the dramatic weight loss, the constant crying, nerves shot to bits and more, were/still are 'borne of lonliness and not because I miss/love him'. How do you get through to somneone who just doesn't want to accept the truth?? So.. the main problems and why I'm here: We were still sleeping together for a long time after we split up. Stupid! - I know. I've told him time and time again that it has to stop and it finally has, but he still tries it on from time to time and doesn't believe it hurts me to know he's using me. He says he isn't, that he's 'very confused and a mess' and 'doesn't know what he wants'. He is a mess - my God - he's put 2 stone on, grown his hair long, he's constantly negative and angry [not violent, just impatient and miserable] and always looks so lost and unhappy. In addition, he demands he and I and our son spend their 2 agreed days a week together, 'as a family'. He says it's good for our son [now 2 and a half] but I disagree for many reasons, yet still he goes on and on so much I end up going to avoid argument. He 'hangs about' here for no reason. I've told him he can take our son to his/her house on their days [as long as she isn't there.. not ready for that] but he still stays here or we go out together. I also find myself asking him why is he still here when our son has gone to sleep and I no longer need him to babysit as I am home [i'm at Uni till late 2 evenings a week] He just sits there, chatting away about work etc, drinking coffee.. it's not like he even tries it on all the time [like he used to] I caught him looking at my phone [i started seeing someone.. it didn't work out because I wasn't ready] trying to see if he could find any messages from my new boyfriend!? He brazenly told me that was what he was doing and only because he was 'curious'. He won't divorce me.. I've told him it's for the best, that I know he's never coming back and that she's going to want to 'put a ring on it' sooner or later, lus there is no contention as we've agreed on our son and what happens to the house etc. But he just says 'no rush'. He even blurted out a few months ago that it 'would be complicated to come back to me.. and hard to leave her for reasons he can't share as they are personal to her'. My boys.. my family.. they are my everything. My absolute world. I still deeply love my husband and our son worships him, but he's so adamant that I'm lying to him about my feelings and still says that he was right about how I wanted him gone etc, he just wouldn't listen to me that he was wrong. I'm well past begging, I found a little self respect there and now I'm past explaining everything, too. I've had enough. I told him to divorce me, to come clear out all of his stuff [it's ALL still here minus some clothes!?] and to get on with his life with her in honesty and faithfulness. He never EVER answers me; just shrugs and mumbles and then on the rare occasion I push him for a reply, he gets moody and walks away. I went out New Yrs Day and he babysat our son.. I had him hugging me with tears in his eyes for 20 mins on and off, telling me I looked really good and to be safe when I was out and how he hoped I'd have a really good night I'm not one of those people who wants/needs revenge.. 'she' is a non entity to me and for as long as I've known my husband, I know that if he cared about her, he would never behave the way he does with me. I think something 'happened' to him.. a mid life crisis? [he's 36.. too young?] Or the pressure from his business along with the baby and me being hard work to live with [i was, I can see that now.. I didn't realise at the time but since explained all of that - but he just doesn't believe me!] all got too much and he bolted? Whatever it was/is, he is confusing me beyond description and I just cannot cope with this anymore. I don't want ill feeling [there has been enough.. we've had some nasty arguments with emotions running so high] and I don't want to have to be horrible to him. I just want him to get on with his life with her and leave me alone. She is the choice he made. However............... while I say that and I really do mean it - I feel like I have a raging Bipolar disorder because the other half of me really wants my husband back and my family back together, as it should be, as we planned and tried for for all of those years. I miss him so much and I won't even begin to tell you how our son is when they have to leave each other, it's heartbreaking. So do I let go of him completely? Or do I start fighting for him? And if anyone can shed any light on his current behaviour, please do!? Link to comment
jordesse Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 I suggest you go to a marriage councellor asap. At the very least, it might help make the transition to full separation complete. Link to comment
Morrigan1 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 There is no way he would agree to that. He won't even take his stuff (a whole office aswell as everything else) or sign tye paperwork to declare official separation. I just don't know what he wants and with him behaving the way he is, it's impossible for me to move on properly. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Why not try counselling just for yourself? You need to set some boundaries and a therapist could help with that. Also, you mentioned depression and bi-polar, but have you spoken with a doctor about that? Link to comment
Morrigan1 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 No, I've avoided going to the doctor to be honest. The thought of medication etc petrifies me - and I honestly don't see any counselling that could help. I know what I need - I need him to explain to me why he's behaving the way he is, because he's totally baffling me and keeping me in limbo.. to take his belongings.. and to let me go. I can't hurt anymore than I am, so I'm not worried about it. I just need to understand and have closure. All of this, this confusion and 'hanging on' is confusing me so much. I'm questioning myself now.. should I fight? Turn my back? For crying out loud I'd done the latter- then again, maybe deep down I hadn't?? Link to comment
sharky988 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 As long as you make the solution to your problem HIS behavior, you keep yourself in limbo in a bad situation. You can't control what he says, does or thinks. You can only control yourself and your actions. If you were in therapy, a counsellor could help you come up with a plan of action on how best to proceed for you and your child. This is the responsible course of action, imo. Also, if you think you might have depression or bi-polar, your fears about medication are no excuse for not getting yourself checked out. You have a child and their welfare comes first, and not treating any conditions you have isn't giving them your best. Link to comment
Morrigan1 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Why is it that every time I read anything on relationship forums, any children mentioned have their welfare questioned?? My son is fine. He's a perfectly healthy, happy, intelligent little boy and he is kept out of our misfortune. Yes he misses his dad something awful, but that can't be avoided. We're taking all steps to ensure he isn't permanently damaged by any of it. I don't need counselling - I did when I had PND, but I was too embarrassed to admit to having it, let alone seeking help with it. My issue is my husband's behaviour.. it is why I am struggling to answer the most fundamental question: do I fight or let go? Time and time again I've come accross advice being given in the form of '..have more self respect'.. '..don't let him have his cake and eat it'.. '..he's stringing you along..' Link to comment
sharky988 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Certainly no offense was intended and I hope none was taken. I'm a mom, so naturally your romantic relationship with your husband is secondary in my mind to what this kind of emotional chaos is doing to your child. Best of luck -- I really hope things work out! Link to comment
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