Hurting pretty bad

[maggieMAE]

I was doing pretty good. The holidays came and went without a meep from me. Our anniversary would have been Christmas, and I honestly really enjoyed the day anyway.

 

What's gotten to me is the new year. It's making me realize the time that's passed. It's only been 4 months since we split, but considering all that's changed in my life, it feels like years.

 

I keep thinking about my health and how she was very impatient with me prior to my diagnosis. I have hydrocephalus, or "water on the brain". Was diagnosed in December, but have been having troubling symptoms for 2 ish years now, which got worse last summer. Migraines last weeks, severe vertigo, irritability from the bad fatigue. At first they thought brain cancer, which was just revealed to me recently when they finally ruled out brain cancer. Now I may not even be a candidate for surgery.

 

A few times she refused to bring me home so I could take my migraine medication because she suspected I had someone waiting here. She also had no patience with my fatigue. If I was just too tired to go to the movies or to the mall to walk around and window shop (for hours, she loved that stuff but I hated it), she would throw a fit and say I was selfish and just making excuses to get my way. I feel really crappy about all of this. That I wasn't given any consideration. That she can just get so darn fed up with me and leave and find someone and happiness within a month, while I'm left to lick my wounds and end up with some scary diagnosis and an unsure prognosis.

 

I really loved her. I still do, but fortunately it's fading. I'm mad that I'm dealing with all of this though. I've worked hard to change my focus and put it back on me, but this is so hard. I had a good month, and now I feel a different kind of pain.

 

Deep down I feel like my health caused our problems. I'm blaming myself now. I feel like my problems cheated me out of a good relationship. I know that once my health is situated and I get a clearer treatment plan, maybe I'll feel less resentment and will really be able to let go. But seriously, I'm mad as heck at my luck right now. What a crappy year 2012 was. I lost my childhood dog the day before my gf of 3 years leaves me. Then I get some crazy neurological diagnosis that left my uncle a vegetable.

 

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. It's late and I've been very emotional the past few days. I just needed to get this out of my system and journaling hasn't been helping. I don't have any questions, I just wanted someone to hear me.

[JJ2980]

I hear you. You're not to blame for what happened. Your health may have been a contributing factor but if she can't be there to help you through the rough times then she sure don't deserve you at your best. I doubt, though, that your health would've been the only thing. Four months isn't long but I get you - with each passing day the memories of how you two were and what you did as a couple are getting further away...its almost surreal. I too feel the same about me and my ex-gf. With the start of a new year you can't help but think of what was lost but I'm also someone who thinks that a new year is one of opportunity and I really hope I treat it as such. I have so many personal goals I want to achieve this year and I'm going to take advantage of it. Maybe you can do the same for you??? I have an aunty who has the same health issue as you although I didn't know the medical term for it and she's suffered from it for a number of years and it even resulted in her having surgery to have the fluid drained. She too gets severe migraines and she gets numbness in her arms and gets tired very easily. Its not an easy thing to have to go through by any stretch of the imagination. Take care of you! Here's hoping that 2013 proves to be a much happier experience for you.

[maggieMAE]

I hope your aunt is doing better. It's not fun at all. I would give anything to have my ex be there for me right now through all of this. But I can't and I have to accept that. I know I'll be stronger when I finally come out the other end. I've been telling myself that whatever divine source is out there may have been preparing me to deal with my health by first getting rid of my ex. She was very neglectful during the relationship and I know that would have dragged me down through all of this. But I'm still just so mad at my luck.

[JJ2980]

Don't get mad. I don't think you have bad luck. I do believe, however, that you have suffered a series of unfortunate events around the same time. Chin up! Think about the positives that exist in your life - there must be some. Even in my darkest moments I know that I still have something to look forward to. I think that if your ex-gf was neglectful then her leaving was a positive. Maybe this time will help you build up an inner strength you never thought you had within you. Once you get this illness under control then you'll definitely have more direction. You'll be able to plan for the future and hopefully find someone who will stick through the hard times as well as good times. My best wishes to you

[maggieMAE]

You're right. Thank you.