I ruined a potential relationship

[penda]

Hello out there,

 

I have a problem I'm dealing with right now with this guy at my school. I met him the beginning of this year and fell in love with his personality from the jump. We had a lot in common as far as interest were concerned. Anyway, as time went by we got to know eachother better and we got into situation with eachother. It wasn't quite a relationship because he wasn't trying to rush into anything and neither as I. Also we decided to keep our thing a secret because we didn't want the whole school to find out. I did tell a couple of friends about he and I, but I didn't see anything wrong with that. I didn't tell them the sorrid details of our time together because it was not their business. Anyway three months passed and things were getting great (so I thought), until an incident occurred at a party.

 

At the party he pretty much ignored me and talked to every other girl at the party and had a little physical contact with them (i.e. letting them sit on his lap and putting his arm around them). Being the person I am, I didn't feel comfortable with that, so I could him and asked him what was going on? He claimed to have not realized that he was ignoring me and that the reason he did not talk to me as much was because he didn't want anyone to suspect anything going on between us. He also said that he and those girls he was with were just joking around since they are just friends. Then, I let it slip out that one of my friends told me that he was all up on some girl neck. Thats when the conversation was turned around on me. He found out basically that I told my friends about he and I, and that they were spying on him for me, and he felt like I betrayed his trust. He said that he doesn't know if me and him can ever hang out again. So I got off the phone feeling like all of this is my fault. As weeks went by, I heard that he said people were talking to him about me liking him and I don't see how that happened. He now feels like the whole school knows about he and I and that I am chasing behind, which I am not. I just want him to know that I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did and

 

I just don't understand why he does not forgive me. I've been situations where I've broken up with a guy, but why is this one so hard to let go of? Why am I putting so much blame on myself? Was I wrong for calling him about the party incident? Was I wrong in telling my friends I had feelings for him? I'm really trying to understand what I did. Please give me some some input.

[whinger]

um, well first off it's not your fault, i mean if the asshole was decent he wouldnt do that (i know i wouldnt do that to my girlfriend, or if i was single atm i wouldnt do it to anyone i liked).

 

look, it's not your fault, but talk to him! speak your mind. let him speak his. relationships are a two way thing, not just one person speaking and the other being forced to listen.

 

however sometimes guys get the wrong impressions when girls conceal things...thats why i like talking to chicks, and them talking to me

 

hope ive been of some help

[rvr350]

I think the reason why you feel sad about this guy more than any bf you've had before is because you find a special bond with him. With that said, what you do with that special connection is all up to both of you.

 

I think you need to speak up your mind, let him know his action made you feel sad, and ask if he shares the same feeling as you. You have to be careful cuz some guys are so nice that they don't know if they want to fall in love with you or want to be your big brother. Hope that helped.

[Misunderstood_Me]

Well, to tell you the cold hard truth,

This guy probably had no interest in you as anything more than a sex object. I've been in a few similar situations, unfortuantly.

If the guy wanted a relationship, he wouldn't of concealed it from the world. He probably (no offense guys) just wanted sex. Theres a lot of guys out there that take advantage of girls like that. Get over him and find a guy that wants you for you. There are a lot of really great guys out there that could appreciate and respect you for you, you dont need a guy like him to drag you down. Go get you a real man, girl! Let this guy go take advantage of someone else!

 

*~Becca~*

[SwingFox]

Wow, That IS cold, Misunderstood_Me... *grins*

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Hi Penda,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry that things didn't work out the way you had them planned. I understand that you found your guy being with other girls a lot on that party and ignoring you.

 

From your message it's not really clear wether he is playing you or not. That's why I disagree with Misunderstood's reply. It's too easy to jump into conclusions like that, because it's pure speculating. What I see mainly is lack of communication. He feels hurt, because your friends have been spying on him, obviously and you feel hurt, because he blew off to you just like that.

 

I suggest that you first answer the question: "Do I still want to be with this guy?" If the answer is 'no', then things are quite simple. Let it go. If you would like to remain with this guy, I would address a few issues, like: "Do I ever trust him fully again?" and "How are we going to communicate?" Set boundaries for yourself what you would and would not accept in a relationship with him and communicate those to this man. Tell him what you need and expect out of a relationship with him. See if they are compatible with his needs and meets. Finally, see where you have to compromize and meet in the middle. If then you still feel comfortable in your relationship, it's all go! If not ... then it might be better to each go your separate ways.

 

I hope that this helped you and I wish you good luck in making the right decisions that will work for you. Keep in mind: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy."

 

~ SwingFox ~

[BabyGirl16]

Looking at it from you perspective(because i don't know his side of the story). I see someone who possibly never cared about you, or someone who instead of admitting to his wrong, turns the blame on you. I feel like this, you honnestly and openly cared for this boy. And to be honest, love sometimes make mistakes. (Not to say that you were wrong) But if he cared about you, he would look beyond that and he would not have a problem with anyone knowing that he liked you or you liked him. The most I can teell you is to watch out for these boys. Some of them are so devious to that point that you can't even tell whether they are real or fake. Love yourself most of all, and never let anyone my you second guess yourself or feel guilty for anything you say or do. Because outside of all of this, if he was a true friend. He would understand and have no reason to hide and reverse blame. If I was you I wouldn't concern myself with what him or anyone else think or feel. Love yourself, don't question yourself. Look at yourself as a jewel, something that is rare, and precious, and deserves to be treated right and taken care of. If he was smart, he would treat you like that rare diamond that you are. Obviosly, he don't see your value, so I would let him go.

[penda]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you very much for the advice. I needed to hear all of your opinions just to figure out whether I was right or wrong in what I did. I don't know what his problem is. The sad thing about is that we are in professional school right now, and I would think that at his age he would handle the situation like an adult. Really When I think about it, the problem was real minor, but he blew it out of proportion for whatever reason. To be honest with you, I still carry a torch for this guy, but I know that perhaps he is not worth my time and energy because he won't even communicate with me. I guess a part of me want to get a clear understanding of what his problem is, because I don't know what is going on and what is being said. I'm sure in time I will heal. Thank you again for your help.

[bzborow1]

I know it's easier said then done, but I think you just gotta let this go. Fromy my experience, if a guy likes you he won't have sex with you and then try to cover it up. I wouldn't spend too much time trying to analyze his point of view, because really he's the one who's gotta figure out what he wants, not you.

 

If he comes back to you one day, great! Deal with it then. But for now I really think you should just let him go and find another great guy, lord knows there will be plenty!!

 

Cheers!!!!

[penda]

Hello,

 

Thank your all so much for you advice in the "I ruined a potential relationship" topic. I needed to hear the opinions of someone who does not know me so I could get an objective answer, so now at least I see that I wasn't wrong. Last night, after a month of crying and worrying myself to death about this guy, I decided to let it go.

 

I didn't write this in the first message, but I contacting him all month long and he wouldn't even try to respond. When I did finally catch up to him, he said he was still mad about the whole talking to my friends thing and I think he still felt the whole school knew. I felt like he was ashamed of being associated with me. He couldn't even look me in the eye when I talked to him. However, me being the person who is willing to give anyone a second chance, I told him to call me this weekend. He never did try, so last night I gave him one last message. I told him , this was my last time calling and that if he wants to talk to me, he has to call me, because I did all I could. I also told him that I thought we as friends could settle things, but perhaps he didn't even think of me as a friend. I ended the message with "take care, God Bless, and goodbye".

 

I'm glad I did this, but at the same time, I'm scared as anything to face him tomorrow. It's going to be so akward. I hope I did the right thing. I just hope that tomorrow will be a good day.

[SwingFox]

Hi Penda,

 

Thank you so much for coming back to us with your update. I believe you did the right thing. You sound releaved and you sound organised. That happens when you set boundaries for yourself. You have tried everything in your power to make things better and he didn't catch it. His loss... time to move on! Well done job

 

As for tomorrow, I wouldn't worry too much. He never tried to contact you, so my suggestion is not to worry too much over what he thinks. You have set your mind on something else now, too ... so bad luck for him. Your feelings will fade very soon now. You accepted your situation and that is the second step in the healing process. It won't happen overnight, but time will heal your wounds very soon now.

 

I wish you strength and good luck in finding your Mr Right. I wish for you a bright future.

 

~ SwingFox ~