I hadn't realized I left my front door unlocked.

[CutieGirl]

Until today, when my sister told me she had mailed me a package. My front door had remained (unknowingly) unlocked since November 21st, the day he broke up with me and I quietly showed him the door.

 

I live in a one of the largest cities in the US. It's NOT a place for a single woman to leave her front door unlocked, but I had. Today it really hit me just how broken up I've been since this break up. I never thought I would be this devastated...I mean I knew I was sad, but I never believed I wasn't "functioning" to maximum capacity...and yet, I was not.

 

I still want him back. As broken and mangled as he was, I still love him a lot, but I made myself a solemn vow to Never. Call. Him. Again. I will not be the one this time, yet again, to try to see if we can "work things out".

 

I'll never call him again, not after a month, not after a year, not after 5 or even 10 years. I will never reach out to him again first no matter how much I miss this man.

 

If there is to be a reconciliation, it will not come by the strength of the hands he said were so tender nor the pleading words from the lips he used to love to kiss. I'm done fighting for us all by myself. I was not built to carry such a heavy load alone. He was suppose to be the stronger, wiser one but he became the weak and foolish one because he ran oway when things were hard. He completely left my side.

 

I never let him see me cry one tear, he couldn't see that my heart was bleeding inside and losing strength but to this day, that was the one thing I owned outright. My dignity. That and the fact that I loved him fearlessly everyday. I loved him without restraint or reservation every way I could. How can he say he loves me? Does he even know what that is? Couldn't he see the difference between my love for him, and his "love" for me?

 

In the end I don't think he could.

 

Because...

 

..{Love. Is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.}

 

I just locked my front door for the first time in almost 3 weeks... the funny thing is that I really thought it was already locked.

 

Maybe this is symbolic.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[shellyf62]

When you suffer trauma your brain plays tricks on you.

 

I did some really weird things when I split up with my Ex. Losing keys & finding them in the fridge, lost my handbag once & found it under my Daughter's bed.

 

I think the brain goes into survival mode, anything else is to much to cope with.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon. It does take a long time, but at least you are taking steps towards healing.

Take care