Wiping the slate- new beginings and all that....

[LikeWater]

What you've said here is so incredibly true. It reminds me of this short little bit I saw on the show 'Louie' (Louis CK's show). It starts off with this young girl and she's playing the violin beautifully. She's very talented and she's making beautiful music. Then her dad comes in with a bunch of laundry in his hands (showing that he's doing a bunch of housework, probably stressed out) and he rips the violin from her hands, tells her she can't do that right now, and commands her to go to her room and finish her homework. Then it shows him alone in the dining room with the violin in his hand and he says, "This is bulls**t."

 

It really had a big impact on me. The message here is how ridiculous it is that parents just don't embrace what their kids become interested in. Creativity and artistic tendencies are hardly ever accepted in today's world, and instead kids are made to focus on only one thing: school. It's all about school. I know how it feels because I've always been attracted to music, and it's always been a very big deal in my life. I bought a drumset when I was 13 and nowadays I've become pretty damn good at percussion. However, I never had any support from my parents with this. They always saw my drumming as a waste of time. I was forced to not be able to focus entirely on that, my biggest passion at the time, and instead on things I wasn't interested in in the slightest. I got my high school diploma and it has done me absolutely no good. It's just a piece of paper that has no real meaning for me.

 

Sorry to butt in on your journal. I hope you don't mind. You're a really insightful person and what you wrote above just really spoke to me. It is all SO true.

 

What is it about today's world that has our youth so miserable? There is something going on here that needs to be addressed. Something a lot of people don't know is that suicide is the second most common cause of death in adolescents. Isn't this a huge warning sign? Shouldn't people be taking a long hard look at this fact and maybe consider for a moment what we could do to prevent these tragedies? I believe the biggest problem is the loss of proper communication between parent and child. Communication in general is the most important thing we have as humans. Proper communication could solve so many of the world's problems. That's an issue all on its own, though.

 

Chicky... I am so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest and most sincere sympathies.

[chickydoodle]

Thank you Like Water.

 

I am glad you survived ''playing the game'' with school without abandoning your real passion.

 

What is it about today's world that has our youth so miserable? There is something going on here that needs to be addressed. Something a lot of people don't know is that suicide is the second most common cause of death in adolescents. Isn't this a huge warning sign? Shouldn't people be taking a long hard look at this fact and maybe consider for a moment what we could do to prevent these tragedies? I believe the biggest problem is the loss of proper communication between parent and child. Communication in general is the most important thing we have as humans. Proper communication could solve so many of the world's problems. That's an issue all on its own, though.

 

- The thing is , teenagers can't relate to their parents. In this age group they are developing new identities which they feel their parents wont aprove of. Parents cling to 'their babies'. Their adolescent kids outgrow this role and feel unable to communictae their adult thoughts and desires.......Parents are so judgemental of those 'outside the norm' that their adolescent kids feel it is betrayal to reveal they too are outside the norm........IMO

 

- Also adolescents are never taught to sit with their emotional pain; that its okay to feel like this....it will pass. They have little to draw on, to bring them light relief.....'cos the pressures to conform to parents expectations, peer groups, teachers.....is a heavy load. Sport has become too competitive and as you say there is very little support for any creative outlet.

 

-The dogmatic religious teachings are alien to them. I mean in catholicism they learn concepts like the blood of Christ, the Lamb ofGod, that we are all sinners.....FAR OUT! HOw ghoulish and non sensical.

They need spiritual guidance. Nice symbols to relate to - to believe in miracles and hope and that life is a gift where we have choices; that we have the power to create whatever life we choose.

How can they believe in themselves when they have not been taught how - in a way they can relate to.

 

- Parents have kids too readily. Many people have kids to satisfy their own ego's without truly considering if they can give them the home and guidance they deserve. esp addicts- they seem to have more kids than anyone. Their fragile egos dictating they must prove they have done something useful with their lives....

Single parent homes statistically produce emotionally pained children. People need to feel sure they are in the right r'ship before having children.

 

Yes parents dont seem to understand the term 'unconditional Love. Parents Love now seems to be very conditional.

 

I wish I had money to open adolescent homes- that had

- An animal farm - where they could give and receive love in nurturing baby creatures and playing with them.

- Musical intruments and someone on the premises to teach them how to play - ANYTHING.

- Art classes.

- Writing classes where they are encouraged to write - to express themselves.

- Counsellors- cool creative people who have been thru' the wars themselves and can relate to these kids on their level.

- The premises would have to be in a beautiful setting- lots of birds, trees, water.

- An on call service so any kid with suicicdal tendancies can call and be collected from wherever he is - brought in cherished and made to feel Loved and important.

- Spiritual guidance classes.

- Sport....in house schooling.....

 

I know there are cyms halls and youth centres but I think these kids need the whole package - just for when they are at vulnerable stages and parents and teachers are feeling lost regarding what to do.....

[chickydoodle]

He has sent 3 x txts over the past 2 weeks which I ignored.

1.'' I will always love you

.

2. How are you and cats and family ? - You are a beautiful and unique person x.

 

3. How are you today , can you say? I have been looking at photos we sent each other with Love. I hope this does not upset you. x ''

 

I want him to know there is no going back so I sent a txt yesterday.

 

'' Do not re-live history'' - you coldly advised me. Or were they her words as has most of your teminology been these past 18mths...

You made your choice, now live with it as I have to.

We have had a family tragedy here. My not seeking comfort from you should be an indicator of how much I have closed my heart to you - as you advised...

I suggest you delete the photos as i have done.

Take Care X

 

I just felt it was childish not to respond and I hope my txt sounded final enough. It was hard for me to do it.

 

He is soo selfish sending me that crap after he coldly did his latest u-turn. He is unhinged - a shell of a person. There is NO going back for me.

 

 

Now- to the big question : What do I do for the rest of my life????

[chickydoodle]

Had such a horrible dream about him last night.

Dreamt he had returned to me; the expression on his face was odd; he admitted he was in Love with a friend of mine; it didnt make sense. She is in her 60's and looks like a witch and is deaf . I rang her. She confirmed it....there was lots of frustration and confusion in trying to ring her. Couldnt dial the numbers....kept getting cut off....

The emotions: Anger, hurt, disbelief, shock, hurt.....

I hit him with a sharp object and he was dazed; rang his dad to pick him up. I felt OH NO! there is no going back now. In the dream i was unable to handle that he Loved this other woman and that I was about to lose him. In the dream i felt he actually despised me and i wondered why he came back.

 

In reality I am shocked at the shallowness of his being, that I loved for so long; am shocked that after an 8yr tough r'ship, the one with him soon after was even worse. I am disappointed i didnt leave him earlier ( but we both Loved our great dane who would have been destroyed if he left ...... like having a child).

 

I am shocked at the huge disparity between what he really is and what I thought he was. He was soo clever at creating a personna he knew would apeal to me in so many ways; yet he never pulled it off 100%.

I made so many excuses for him......

Oh God what a fool i've been.

 

Txt from him this morning havent forgotten that 300. will deposit a portion of it. just have to find a bank. x ''

 

 

What a jerk!- nothing about the 'bereavement' ......

[chickydoodle]

I have just edited his name on my phone to the name ''Liar'' - so every time he txts I will not associate the txt with old delusional feelings......

 

I feel it is a mean thing to do????? It doesnt sit right but maybe I have to learn the truth about him is mean and nasty.

 

I'l change it if it feels too wrong.

[chickydoodle]

I had been in Ireland a few months. I was pining for him.

He was in my house in Australia ( which i considered ours at that time after 12yrs together in a r'ship where we were everything to each other). He was chatty which was heartwarming as he had been fatigued and flat of late. He sounded pleased with himself. Said he had been busy re-arranging furniture. I warmed to it and expressed ideas I had wanted to try out with the lay out. I felt happy he was 'putting in' to our home.

Months later I found out that he had rearranged the furniture to accommodate HER staying there with him He set up their bedroom in the living room rather than use ours.......

It disturbs me that he could carry on that converstion while I was nievely excited visalising what he had done and looking forward to being there with him and seeing it.

 

When I finally heard about the affair ( when she was five months pregnant and just before i was due to return to him), the first thing I asked him was had he brought her to my home; my sanctuary; my haven. He said

'' do not worry about her beng brought to the house. . I know how that would affect you''.

Not quite the denial I had hoped for but I 'bought' it. Later on I persevered to get the answer I dreaded.

He had felt bad for her . Poor thing only had a one bedroom room in a shared house and he and her hadnt much privacy there!!!

At a later stage when I was at the house with him in Australia( he had left her and moved back with me) I found several pairs of shorts of hers neatly folded and tucked away in a drawer . He denied they were hers, tried to convince me they were mine!!!

I then found receipts of a shopping spree they had gone on together. She had bought a blue velvet beret and lots of slinky tops.......It turned my stomach.....I could imagine them rushing home ( to my house) to try on the new clothes for each other and then having wild, passionate sex.....

I know she would have snooped thru' my room, all my writings and cards and precious emblems; my spiritual readings and meditation verses on my wall.....

She would have found out sooo much about me while i pined for him in Ireland- and I knew nothing of her. Didnt know he was cheating on me with and that she was pregnant to him.......

All this was happening around the time I received a txt from him saying he was at the nursery buying plants for the garden and his heart was ''bursting '' with Love for me. He was prob with her. There were no new plants in my garden when I returned. He had also texted to me how ''i was the love of his life and he wanted to die as my partner''.............

 

No wonder I am having nightmares......

[chickydoodle]

I guess an addiction to a person is ALWAYS going to be toxic ( wouldnt be an addiction otherwise)

 

Having broken my addiction to m.j. ( mild one ) and cigs ( have on occasion given them up).....I find breaking my addiction to him soo much harder. Why????

Because - I think

When you give up over-eating or a drug or some other self-abusive behaviour - you feel the benefits in mind and body. You feel free and strong and can visualise the end result.

Giving up someone you Loved and believed in and someone you believed Loved you is harder 'cos you feel such a sense of loss and lonliness. Immediate benefits cannot be felt. You are dealing with a bereavement and an identity crisis; You are dealing with feeling lost regarding which direction to take in life; You are feeling used, worthless .......such a different set of emotions, such a different kind of pain.

When giving up other addictions you KNOW without doubt you are going to feel better. But when it is a Loved one - you dont know that you are ever going to really get over the heart ache. You will NEVER have that connection again EVER with anyone. Some are lucky and find a better connection - but very few IMO 'cos of the pattern that is ingrained in some of us for needing or choosing , for whatever reason - such partners.

 

I dont think one can train oneself thru therapy or otherwise to feel attraction for ( in my case men) who are normal, if there is a deep ingrained addictive psyche for those who are dysfunctional.

It is this belief that makes me feel I should stay away from any man I find attractive. - and FOREVER abide by this rule. And since I cant be with a man if I dont find him attractive , I reckon it will be a solo journey for me from now on.

 

And I am okay with that. I compromise too much when in a r'ship anyway and have always been stronger the rare times I have been on my own.

[chickydoodle]

Woke up this morning thinking of a text she sent him that said:

''I am offering you something beautiful''........

I forget the rest but it went along the lines of his being afraid to accept this and his opting for a familiar Love ( mine)..when hers was sooo much better. Aparently I just offered ''peacful stagnation''

 

 

Her opinion of me and what he and I shared really hurts and is inaccurate BUT obviously he painted a picture to her, based on lies- dishonouring what he and I shared for 12yrs ,to justify his actions and lure her in.

 

Having such strong narcissitic traits co-exisitng with anxiety, I see now there is no way he would have survived alone while I was away. He needed a supply; someone who stroked his ego, adored him .......And he was so clever at becoming whatever he had to be, in order to fool and lure and attract a willing victim.

 

Of course she is offering him something beautiful ( a child - and something I could have offered but was not so selfish to bring a child into the world under such circumstances) but the delusional, stupid immature, egotistical woman has yet to see how he destroys and sabotages everything beautiful in his life. He is an addict. Shame on her for using this child to snare him. As they say ''be careful of what you want ''.....

 

He hasnt sent me any texts since I changed his name to ''liar''. Does he know this? How ? Is he keeping tabs on me through this form? or

Is he finally letting me go, so I can let him go?

[chickydoodle]

The difference between her and I.

 

He would say to her ''I dont Love you''.

She would reply ''yes you do.''

 

He would say to me ''I Love you''

I would say ''No you dont''

 

Perhaps self-belief and an undeflatable ego does get you what you want......I only hope life proves to me that it doesnt get you what you need. Otherwise what is the point in being a moral and ethical person who thinks of others. If there is a God out there - show your face- A sign- anything to reveal to me that it is worth being who I am.

[LikeWater]

I'm no god, and maybe my opinion is of no help, but I think it's definitely worth it for you to be you.

 

Your writing is exceptional and it draws me in. You express yourself in a unique way. I can tell that you're so thoughtful and intelligent. You're hurting because you have so much love within yourself to give.

 

You're awesome just as you are. Please don't think otherwise.

[chickydoodle]

Thank You LikeWater - it was so nice to read that.

[chickydoodle]

Another memory to serve as a reminder of his narcissism:

 

It was one of those phone calls where I was trying to discuss with him the dynamic of him, me , the child......in the future. How often he would need to see him.....etc. ....what boundaries were going to be in place between HIM and HER ( OW-Mother). His vague responses were maddening, considering he was the one insisting we were meant to be together; that his life was futile without me...blah ...blah.

I was asking what time the boy goes to bed at, desperate for us to connect regarding his care. His response was

''are you still a size 10''?

[chickydoodle]

'' thou art gone from my gaze like a beautiful dream and I seek thee in vain by the meadow and stream''

 

I feel no sentimentality now when I recite this beautiful quote. I have been dwelling on how little emotion it evokes in me , all day. Yes he was a dream - an illusion and I certainly do not need his company to enjoy the beauty of being by a meadow and stream.....Yes I felt an eerie lonliness as the breeze rustled in the tall grasses today and

the scent and sound of Spring awakened something in my saddened soul.

 

This quote would make a great intro to a song--- starting smoothly, gently,beautifully with string instruments and soft vocals , then wildly breaking into an angry, real rap song.

Wish I had the talent to do this.

 

I have just looked up this quote again and to my surprise, I have found out it is actually part of a song called ''The spirit of Love or Thou art gone from my gaze'

 

''This sentimental 'parlor' song was popular before and during the American Civil War. It was sung and played on a piano or pump organ, which many Americans had in the parlor room of their home (hence the name). This song is about the continuation of love, despite the death of one's loved one .''

 

OMG ! as I read this song the lyrics are so sad-.......now I AM in tears.

[chickydoodle]

I finished my book on how to move forward after been a victim of a narcissitic r'ship.

It made me realise why I was so blind, so manipulated; it helped me understand how it could happen....

N's tend to pick empaths for supply and this eases my feelings of humiliation a little.

The healing tips - being in the moment; feeling the pain; trying to guage the thought process that leads to the pain......

The principles of recovery draw on Eckhardt Tolles philosophy and the concept of neurplasticity ( rewiring/ retraining your brain ) to overcome painful memories; focusing on your reaction to your thoughts/anxiety rather than the anxiety itself......

It all makes sense.

But then

I had a total melt down with my mother and sister. I ROARED and swore at them and went to bed and wept.

They were in the kitchen going on and on and on about trivia while I was trying to concentrate on a reply to a post on enotalone. It was a post thet touched my heart and demanded an empathetic reply.......I couldnt focus with their intrusion.

 

The result is they are going to help me find a space in the attic. How sweet. I felt so bad, but I guess the fact that I am usually calm ( too low in energy and empty inside to be otherwise)- meant they took notice.

My sister joked about my being a recluse in the attic will suit me well. Indeed it is true , joke aside.

 

I think my venture out the other night into a social setting contributed to my feeling low.

I cannot relate to people on a superficial level. I was exhausted with small talk; found it draining on what little life-force I had....and my sister made me stay so late (i depended on her for a lift home). She was strugling too but the martyr in her made her stay 'cos she felt she was holding the group together.

 

The night would have made a good drama movie - the setting being the three rooms of a house we all socilaised and dined in. We were all damaged souls drawn together through the rememberance mass for little Liam. The mass itself had been surreal and bizarre. I could not relate to the gospel reading about the Prodigal son. The message was supposed to be that God accepts us home no matter what we have done. The message I received was , one might as well live a life of debauchery if this is the case. The good son in the story did not receive any more beneifts or the same warm welcome from 'the Father' after doing everthing right. Also the only motive for the prodigal son to return to the Father was that he was starving.....

 

Jeez I would Love to do Bible Study. I would pick those fables to pieces.....

 

Anyway - the gathering. We were all terrefied of each other and afraid to express what we really felt. The group was too mixed; some very conservative people and 'out there' people, all from very different backgrounds. We were all guarded in our conversations . It was socially awkward and this combined with nerves and a few wines made people talk utter drivel. My sister brought the whole group down even more by regaling them with her stories of bullying in schools. Our friend drew on her usually funny stories about her kids learning about sex- but all anecdotes were responded to by resounding silences and staring blank faces. One woman in an effort to connect spoke of something so gross that , her husband looked down in shame and disgust.......

I tried to analyse what energy was present that made it so awkward. My sister and I both pinned the blame on the presence of a woman and daughter who had blanck, expressionless faces and fixed smiles that we felt was an effort to camouflage the judgement and criticism going thru their heads. This lady of course LOVED the 'rpodigal son' story and tried to explain the message to me - as if i didnt understand what message was trying to be relayed....(sigh)

It made me smile to see a friend we did know there , had broken out in a stress rash on her neck. that said it all - .......

A bizarre but memorable night . In an odd way it was so tense, we were all very much in the moment ( as one is when in a situation of fear/stress) and such events are etched more poignantly in your memory.

 

I have often thought that men who served in wars miss that 'being in the moment' and it is the reason they fail to adapt to life after war.

 

Enough rambling. I am finding it hard to articulate my thoughts these days.

 

Its been 5wks of NC!!!! Somehow I feel he knows I know who and what he is and that supply from me has dried up - forever!.

[chickydoodle]

I was walking down the street. It was early morning. I was bracing myself for walking past the restaurant he worked in; in case I might see hm. Then I saw his small silver s.u.v. drive past ( I had bought it for himsecond hand- he eventually sold it for little or nothing for drug money). He saw me and did a dangerous u-turn to find a park. Came running up to me excited to see me. He talked as if nothing had happened; was trying to set up a way to meet me behind HER back.....

I remember feeling anguish that nothing had changed; that I had to push him away - he was still with her.

 

God I miss him so very much. We had some beautiful times together. Yes he had N traits but wasnt really full blown until the trauma of the affair and pregnancy. . . .

God help me with my delusional thoughts today. Help me to remember he does not feel the same Love for me; that he is a hollow person; a fake. He has progressed beyond repair. I must never allow him to re enter my life, however hard it is for me.

[chickydoodle]

For some reason, the image of his beautiful face is haunting me today, no matter how hard I try to wire my brain. Every 10 minutes I have to read some factual stuff on Narcissism in order to overide my desperation to contact him and feel close to him......

 

I havent much work on, this week so I guess I better find other ways to keep busy.

[chickydoodle]

Busy, gruelling day at work -no time to think.

Reading my above post, I would not call his face beautiful today. Indifference must be creeping in.. .. .. .. .. finally! Long may it last.

 

Every one's life seems to be spiraling out of control. People are crazier, life is unaturally busy. Kids have gruelling schedules; adults are working too hard to provide for their kids but not spending quality time with them; there are too many junkies and disorderd people having kids and perpetuating the crazy genes........Old people are being forced to live longer with life saving medications causing inordinate stress on their families in the same way children born with horrible diseases are being kept alive.

We live in such an unnatural world; so much pain and suffering.

I do not know anyone who is happy.

 

I think my challenge is not to retreat to some beautiful isolated spot , far from the madding crowd - but to be an active part of the suffering masses and stay afloat somehow.

Loyalty to my family is keeping me here. I know they need me.

[chickydoodle]

Long may it last.

Hah! Dreamt about him last nite; it involved the usual frustration of being desperate to contact him and i cant key in his number ( endless variations of ths.) He appeared beside me as always but SHE was lurking in the background as always. I got up at 5.30am. hoping there was a txt from him- nothing. . . . . . .

 

I am Reading 'Why do I do that' by Dr Joseph Burgo.

It is tough going - too much theory and psychoanalysis for my liking.

It looks at the psychological defense mechanisms we contrust in life to evade emotional pain.

I flicked to the end of the book to see if there was anything different towards the end and to my disgust I read a passage by Burgo that mentioned how he is 57yrs and still hasnt uncovered the psychology behind his own 'psychological defence' behaviour.

I flung the book down , relieved I had an excuse not to persist with it.

If he cant do it, having a PhD in Psychology; being a therpaist and having written books - then what hope is there for me.......

 

I prefer a simpler approach - meditation; learning to Love oneself; accessing intuition, being creative.........

Now that I have established that - I just gotta do it - somehow......

BUT

I have no motivation any more to do anything really.

 

I really miss my life in Australia but if I leave my family again to pursue a life there , it would cause them soo much pain esp my mother. And I would find it hard to be there- financially and emotionally- without their support.

All my friends are there. I cant relate to people outside the family in this country.

I have got to create a life in THIS country - How? I am Soo tired.

For now I will accept I am not living the life I need and altho' I'm not really sure what it is I need . . . . . .I hope and pray I find it - before I die.

[chickydoodle]

I feel so f'cking lost and lonely.

I did so much work on myself while I was with him, I can't face putting in the hard yards again.

I feel angry that I have overcome so many challenges in life only to be hit with more....

Is this the way it works? You get strong and because of that you are confronted with a bigger , more painful challenge. I want out.

 

They say God only metes out what we are able for.

Well God , hear me now when i tell you I am done.

[chickydoodle]

The past week has been better. I am slowly trying to re-wire my brain to make the most of my life here. I worked in my cousins garden today. It was a bit grim working in the biting cold with heavy, wet,clay soils filled with stone and rock- backbreaking, but good to be outsoors.

Couldnt help but compare it to working under blue skies with soft red earth and yeloww breasted robins accompanying me. I miss my home in Australia. Hopefully the end result of this gardening experiment will fill me with some sense of achievement and restore something.

My cousin told me his GF informed him that she has changed her opinion of me; initially found me very aloof.

I wasnt sure how to take that. Its interesting how being shy and withdrawn in company can come accross as aloof.

Actually I dont even know if I am shy or withdrawn or just totally diinterested in what most people talk about. I find it exhausting, making inane conversation- it really wipes me out....I cant fake interest. Some people are so boring it leaves me speechless.

I cant change that. If I felt more Love for the human race would it be different?

I like her though. She is a truly beautiful person.

 

Perhaps a vow of silence would suit me; or to join the poor st Claire nuns ( or whatever they are called) They dont speak. I could tend to the garden- somewhere sunny and warm. Guess I would miss seeing my family. Guess I am in for the long haul with them. I do Love them even tho' I dont feel I grow as a person being around their dysfunction. At least I can objectively look at my parents disasterous r'ship and negativity and the damge it caused us as kids. I see where certain deprivation in my childhood , led me to where I am now as well as the physical environment I grew up in........

I observe it all in a detached way.

I have learned that I am drawn to dysfunctional people because of it . I guess that is a new insight.

 

Will I ever learn to Love these grey skies and soggy soils as I once did; or has my taste of blue skies and red earth ruined it.

[chickydoodle]

I had two dreams about him last night:

Dream 1. I was in Australia face to face with him. He looked waxen and yellowish. His mother was in her kitchen, looking extra small in stature, begging me to take him on, she couldnt handle him any more. The OW had kicked him out and would only allow him to see his son under supervision.

He was talking non sensically , junkie style; vry unappealing, unlikeable. He had been increased to a huge dose of methadone , 150ml. I felt shocked as I had been sure he would have come down in dose. I felt I could do something for him and agreed he could stay with me. My motivation was to help him with no expectations of what I would receive. Suddenly, my mother and sisters appeared on the scene. I was embarassed at having to introduce him - but they treated him with respect. He accompanied us on a shopping trip....the family beacame involved ,co-operated and supported he and I in waiting at some clinic for him to get dosed.....

 

Dream2. My sister Nic was with me in Australia. We were in a department store with a Pharmacy tucked away at the end. It was dimly lit. I manoueverd her towards the Pharmacy and pointed out all the people I knew who worked there. Out of the corner of my eye I saw HIM, scuttling away thru' an emmergency exit door after being dosed. I urged my sister to help me follow him. We could not get thru that door and had to take the main exit. The street outside was busy. I could just make out his swift stride and the top of his head in the distance ( to the right of the Store...). We lost him. As we were walking back past the store, the ow's red car passed us. I nudged my sister that it was HER. We both looked at the car. I was hoping to see him, but the faces were blurred and the car was full. Someone held a poster against the window from inside for us to read it, as they drove by. I wish I could remember what it was; a child's drawing? an insult? I cant remember accurately what it made me feel....

 

I wonder if he is dreaming about me.?

If he is a true narc , I guess not.

It is all so very sad. I Loved him so very much.

 

Cognitive dissonance is at play here.

[chickydoodle]

Got a text from him after 2mths

''Love you everyday. Hope you are doing okay xxx'''

 

Why? Why? I guess he needs to feel I still Love him, selfish to the core. He's not offering anything but still wants me to be in the picture.

 

Today I feel so very low. I am sooo unhappy. I feel like an alien at work- very detatched and withdrawn. I cant stand it anymore. I cannot relate to anyone.

My mother is going to renovate the attic for me. If I could give up my career, pursue something more artistic I would be happy to spend my life up there, with my little blind cat.

[chickydoodle]

I have had a couple of drinks and weakened. I sent him a txt after NC for 3mths apart from his stupid txt 2wks ago saying ''I love you everyday, hope you are okay'. I didnt respond.I have been so strong until tonite.

I am on holidays....trying hard to enjoy them but Sun Holidays are very confronting when suffering heartache.

I wrote:

''Balmy summer nites in exotic places are exquisite until the second cocktail finds a soft spot, ruffles its smooth façade and renders it defenceless, oh so weak and incredibly sad.''

 

The tears are flowing. I cannot control this grief I feel at losing him. I cannot shake it into my stupid head that he is not what I thought. It is delusional. Why do I insist on regressing.....feeding my delusion on what I thought he was.

I must NEVER NEVER NEVER drink vodka again.