Wiping the slate- new beginings and all that....

[chickydoodle]

I guess sitting in bed under a duvet, in hoodie and shoes on, catatonically watching the progression of the green bar doing an update on my lap top- is not a great way to start my life anew.

 

On a good note I did compose a bitter poem even tho' i forgot to take my anti-depressant ( something i attribute bursts of creativity to):

 

''Your simmering narcissism lay silent, untouched;

For years I held a lid on the top;

When called to duty in another land;

I left you exposed to another’s hand;

One whose intentions were less than noble

Who wielded the lid, and left it open.

With gleeful eruption you emerged with force

Allowed her a taste, angelic in source;

The ensuing destruction from lava molten

has turned heart to stone, left landscape frozen.

 

I shall not return to wasted terrain;

I pray you wither in your despair.''

 

 

cheery eh? Ah well , tomorrow is another day- roll on.....

[MasterPo]

When called to duty in another land;

I left you exposed to another’s hand;

One whose intentions were less than noble

Who wielded the lid, and left it open.

With gleeful eruption you emerged with force

Allowed her a taste, angelic in source;

 

I like this part. very good.

[chickydoodle]

Thanks Master Po.

Hopefully in time I will write 'lighter' stuff.

[MasterPo]

Thanks Master Po.

Hopefully in time I will write 'lighter' stuff.

 

No... don't you dare. Write what you feel. Come back to it later, chip and form your intended message and there you go. The best short story I ever wrote was in anger, got manhandled and abused by Texas DPS, and afterwards, I wrote the entire short story in a truck stop. Made me some $$$ and I wish I could tap that source. No, I wasn't doing anything illegal. I was just in the wrong place and time.

[chickydoodle]

I was just in the wrong place and time.

 

Sounds like it may have been the right place and the right time!:strawberry:

[MasterPo]

Sounds like it may have been the right place and the right time!

 

Boy that made me bristle. Thank god for the strawberry! LOL Thanks. You are right thought, it was a disastrous success in my life. Something like that.

[chickydoodle]

Day two: Had a couple of wines last night; First time in a year. Feel okay Thank God! Couldnt bear a hangover.

 

Can't believe how much fun I am with a couple of drinks in me -ha! It was a short and sweet experience!

 

Sinead O'Connor was on tv. last night. She was bald, wearing a priests' habit and in bare feet- promoting her Xmas album to raise funds for depression. I used to dislike her but God she's funny, unpredictable, politically incorrect, unafraid, childish, crazy, attention seeking....I am warming to her.

 

I found it so interesting to learn that Christmas is a very difficult time for people who suffer from depression. ( guess it makes sense). The festive season serves to make them feel even more isolated and alone as everyone around seems happy . They feel inadequate and that they bring the happy people down - this time of year.

This is precisely why I opted out of the work xmas party. I am worried I would be a 'downer' for everyone. I cannot fake joviality. And I find alcohol induced joy on a large scale- very depressing....

 

However I am happy for those who 'get into it' even tho' I can't.

[chickydoodle]

really want to get fit and give up cigarettes but am so unmotivated- since the shock of his betrayal two years ago. Had given up trying to keep in shape; stay healthy......

The gym here is a horrendous drive. I would buy a home gym but have no spare room for equipment.

Looked into a 4wk cycling trip in sth africa but the fitness level required before one takes this on is too high at this stage.

I am not fat , and fat reduction seems to be the aim of boot camps-

Would Love to do something for myself in this way. Cant cycle these roads....too dangerous...........

Must make a start and soon.

[chickydoodle]

Am so hurt by his actions, lies.........but also fuming. I read , in an effort to understand narcissism the following words from a narcissist. But understanding the personality disorder isnt really helping 'cos that would mean forgiving- which i am far from ready to do.

 

''if a person is both an addict and personality disordered, then they were

personality disordered before they were addicted. Personality disorders consist

of contextually maladaptive coping strategies, the context being the clearly

defined boundaries of societal norms. ''

 

I do realise i overlooked subtle signs of npd for many years. But I also feel that being with me helped him survive in a reasonably functional way. The resuming of his Heroin habit because of the stress of the situation....etc has definitely exaccerbated traits to a scary level.

 

''Everyone is responsible for their actions, but narcissists do not always intend to inflict the harm that they do; this is a key feature of all personality disorder. We do not mean to be the way we are; if we did, we would simply stop meaning to be narcissists and hence cease being narcissistic. ''

 

It is just impossible to have any self esteem left after being with one IMO - no matter how strong a person is.

[chickydoodle]

I am not doing well with this pretense of new beginings.

I am shatterd emotionally and have no desire to draw on the tools i used before. I contemplated today paying someone to shoot me- make it look like a drive-by......less hurtful to everyne that way.....

I am coming accross as emotionally unstable at work- tearing up if anyone looks at me the wrong way.

I had to walk out and chain smoke a couple of cigarettes, so the physical illness would wipe out my emotional pain. It worked for an hour and then I broke. The girls know a bit of my story now. Feel like such a loser.....

It is impossible working ( the busiest time of the year) - while feeling like this.

The lines of a poem come to mind

 

''I could lay down like a tired child and weep away this life of care which I have born and still must bear''

[chickydoodle]

Better day today TG. When in deep despair one always forgets that everyday doesnt feel so bad. I guess bleak days serve the purpose of making other days feel 'relatively' joyous...

 

I can do this. Forge a new life for myself. I am free.

Unfortunately going back on a full antidepressant last night has made a difference in how I feel today. Perhaps it is coincidental. wish I knew..

[One day]

Hi Chicky,

 

I must admit some of what you have written resonates with me. When depression hits it can hit you hard. I guess the best way I can describe it for me is that I go into a shut down mode, routine and a safe one at that become essential and you end up nursing yourself through the day until you can get back to your comfort zone. Good days and bad we manage to get through them, myself I've written off the month of December it will be somewhat of a solitary affair but I'm ok with that. Like you I do have a yearning to wipe the slate clean come the New Year, exorcise the past and move on.

 

Hope you feel better

[chickydoodle]

Thanks One. They say great joy comes from acceptance. I hope something unexpectedly nice happens for you this December.

[chickydoodle]

Text from him this morning:

 

'''' I would Love to think there is some way we could be together again. That is the only idea in the world that has any value to me. you would probably think that it would be futile to try because of the past but i know it would work because of some changes you are not aware of. I believe absoloutely I could make it work for us so that we could be both happy. Be well darling. I Love you xx''''

 

I 'made his day' by answering the phone. He wants me to not hate him and give him a chance to prove with actions his love for me.

The OW returns from her trip to sth America with his son in a couple of days. His mood may change....upon seeing the boy.

 

He is adamant he doesnt want a r'ship with her but she wont accept it.

He tried to explain the nature of his r'ship with her. ''Being with her is like watching the Bill ''- Being with me is like watching ''The wire''.

It does actually explain it really well but is it true?

 

We'll see. Right now I am too tired to take it all in. Another round? Another chapter? I may be over it.

He hasnt quite convinced me it will be different , but I do know he is being truthful about not using. I can tell from his voice, tone, energy, mind set. That is something!

.

[chickydoodle]

Brutal day at work.; I *****ed about someone who gets on my nerves, then felt like a f'ckng Judas when she hugged me and wished me Happy New Year... Made me feel so low about myself. I never have learnt to control my childish emotions and 'suck it up'. I take offence so easily; such a fragile ego....... She offends others at work also , but they can laugh it off. I take every thing soooo seriously.

 

It is the wrong environment for me, that I know. It is STIFLING emotionally, and creatively. I feel my energy is a downer for everyone there 'cos I am so unhappy. Can I blame it on my situation with him or not? Yes i carry a lot on my plate but so do others.

 

They say God only metes out what you can cope with. Better off having low coping skills so God only hits you with trivial stuff. But then I guess it is all relevant. Is 20yrs of being in messed up r'ships comparable to having a child with heart disease???

We can be made to feel so guilty for our pain, by ourselves and others.

 

There is a solution- an answer- regarding what I must do to become whole, and confident; to know what I want; to be able to give and receive Love; to be positive and optimistic...........what the hell is it???? Am tired of the books, the phillosophies.....just want something amazing to happen INSTANTLY to propell me on the right path. There is too much work to be done on myself. I feel overwhelmed.

I need to learn to say No - be assertive- be confident-be Loving- be optimistic- be creative- know what I want out of life- change career- be less emotional- learn when to give and not to give- learn how to put myself first -endless.........I am too tired now.

[chickydoodle]

Day 3 of the New Year. I have never felt so lost in my life. I have choices but none bring me joy.

Thoreau was right. ''Most men live lives of quiet desperation'' .....and it is awful. What is the answer? The first step may be to chuck in my career; must show some courage here............it will go against everyone's expectations of me ; to soldier on; to feel lucky i have such a great degree; to count my blessings.....

No I am tired. Very tired. And life is short.

[chickydoodle]

Something made me genuinely smile in the last few days.

I was at the Nursing Home; made tea for some visitors. Our local priest is in with us at the moment as a patient. He is 84yrs and recuperating from a bad fall ( unfortunately alcohol related). He had joined the visitors ( people he knew from the community ) to watch a rugby match on tv. and be a part of the banter - (it was probably like a pub scene for him).

When I brought the tea he asked me for his ''''bowel medicine''- with a knowing look. I was surprised he mentioned 'his bowels'' in front of visitors but then understood he wanted an alcoholic drink. I poured him a sherry , carried it down to him and loudly emphasized it was his ''bowel'' medicine and he should drink it all......

He was sooo very happy to receive it.

 

It was a tricky situation considering he has an alcohol problem and the man beside him ( being visited) has an alcohol problem too. I think we pulled it off and no one was any the wiser.

 

It made me smile that a priest shoul be prone to such naughtiness.

 

I am in agreement with the Doctor that he should be allowed one at night. He is returning home tomorrow so I hope and pray he behaves himself.

[chickydoodle]

OMG , I enjoyed my job today for the first time in months! It was because I was tucked away upstairs far removed from the General Public.

I had to concentrate hard on the task but anything is easier than dealing with the whingeing, whining negativity of the people I am required to serve. I have no patience with them.......Certain people and ilnesses tug at my heart strings but not many. Hope this doesnt mean Fate will ensure I suffer ,or is this fear based on being brought up under the awful influence of catholicism.?

Yet So often I attract onto myself that which I have had no empathy for in the past, or that which I have feared or indeed that which I have given thanks to have been free of...

I know some weird things happen on a subconsious level with me in spite of not being open to hypnotism. . A renowned hypnotist could not put me under.

Years ago I watched a program about anoerexic women. I was horrified, yet went on to develop the disease my self for a period of 2-3yrs.

Another time , years ago I had a massage. The masseur mentioned there was something going on with my uppr back that would be causing me pain. I had no pain and didnt know what she meant. Years later I developed chronic pain in that area.

Then there was the chirporactor who insisted I must have pain in my neck area and did all sorts of manipulations with it....I did not have any pain there until a year after I stopped seeing him. Now it can cause me horrible problems.

I remember too, being highly irritated by an older woman I worked with. She used to clutch her arm as if in pain 'cos she had lymph nodes removed during her breast cancer treatment. She went overboard using her breast CA as an excuse not to do any work. She retained nothing we tried to teach her and said her medications caused her memory loss ......Admittely I had little patiece with her. Then strangely enough I developed a spur on my elbow which meant I went around clutching my arm in pain.....

 

So it seems if i do not show enough empathy I attract horrible things......

and when therapists suggest I should be feeling pain in certain areas, i usually develop pain in that area...

what universal laws are going on here?

 

As for my r'ship disaster? Never thought i'd be the one to suffer from a broken heart. I have been the cause of three broken hearts in the past.

Again , was it my lack of empathy for these men when I ended things that has caused fate to deal me such a harsh blow?

[chickydoodle]

Heartbreak and tears again. Having toyed with me for weeks, saying he thinks it can work; he has changed....blah blah, now he says he is enjoying the kid and HERr company and it probably wouldnt work for us; that I should stay in Ireland....best for me....

And I have no-one to turn to. Everyone told me not to trust him.

I cannot compete with a child esp as SHE, the mother is such a game player and infatuated with him.

I gave him all this time and space to test his comittment to me. I have received my answer.

 

The question is why is his Love so important to me. Why havent I enough Love of self combined with my family's Love to feel Loved.

My life here in Ireland is not enough to compensate for the loss.; Hate my job, live with mother and sister. My ltittle kitty cats are the main joy - sad but true.

I shall never never never give my heart to another.

The thoughts of of being with another man makes my flesh crawl.

AND If D should ever ask for another chance with me i will sit on hot coals or a spiked rail if it means I can emitt a ''NO F'CKNG WAY''.

He has messed me around for nearly two years now since the inital betrayal. I hadnt the strength to walk away when i should have - but I tried. He would always lure me back.

The only comfort I could possibly receive now, is the knowledge he will have a miserable life without me; hardly likely with the beutiful boy they have both produced. And to think I was denied that chance with him - yet she bulldozed her way in and got EVERYTHING. Life is unfair ( sigh). Better to have a short miserable life than a long one. I do not want to reach old age in this life-time.

[chickydoodle]

The pain, pain, pain.......

Wept on and off all day. Had to take a low dose valium to get thru work.

Antidepressants are cutting it for this kind of pain.

 

If only I knew what he said was true. He was deliberately cruel like he didnt want any loose ends. There was no expreesions of regret or sorrow for my pain like in the past. He was cold, callous ( admitted he had taken valium).

 

After many bitter hateful txts i sent one saying my anger has subsided. It was borne from hurt. I thought our Love was eternal esp the way he had been talking the last few weeks......he returned my txt saying He will Love me forever.....

 

Its so so so sad. Everyone says I have a real chance for happiness now- but I dont. I am a depressive. Things that make others happy dont turn me on......Animals, Nature, being creative......makes me happy but I have no energy now or motivation to create anything for myself. I have lost the will to even try.

[chickydoodle]

Was tempted to send him a txt today that said

'' Thank you for having the nobility and courage ( b.s. of course) to finally let me go. I feel light and happier and am excited about my future ....''

My sister begged me not to.

I didnt.

 

Had a good day; not too much pain.... so busy at work....

Driving home I started thinking of the kind of person I would like to be:

- Less self conscious about my body. I have a great figure but always wear layers and hide it. I hate feeling people observe my body - stems from an eating disorder I had when a teenager.....Gotta change that...

-Be more confident , assertive - able to say NO even if it hurts another's feelings.

-Be more courageous about changing career to something creative.

-not allow other people to upset me with their words and actions.

-Be grateful for my life and more optimistic.

-Be more motivated about getting fit and healthy again.

-Be able to look in the mirror and feel happy about my aging face, my ''well earned creases'' - see the beauty there still and NOT feel like life is over for me. My youth and therfore happiest years are gone forever.....I want to feel, really feel that the best years lie ahead.

 

I guess the only thing I have to do , to accomplish all this is find a spiritual path - something to enable me to connect with my higer self and learn some self- Love. Only then will I be able to connect with others as I should.

 

I would like to be able one day to text him so I can sincerely boast about how much happier i am; that the seeming disaster of the last two years was a 'blessing in disguise' for me .

I shall aim for this.

[chickydoodle]

Johnette Napolitano

Heard her on the radio today. What a voice - wow! Had forgotten about her. Her voice gives me shivers of I dunno....but some kind of connection. esp her song ''joey'' which is too painful to listen to at moment and ''mexican moon''.

Wonder why she entered my life today....

[chickydoodle]

My cousins son only 15yrs old hanged himself. He was a beautiful boy; so good looking, so clever, so athletic. My cousin fought long and hard for custody ( the mother is a junkie)....won and gave him the best life he could.

Six mths ago Liam developed a hatred for his father and demanded to live with his mother. We were all so concerned, worried he would get into drugs..

None of us ever thought it would come to this.

My sister ( he was like another son to her . He and my sisters son were the same age and Liam had some of his happiest moments at her house) - is DEVASTATED.

 

My cousin has lost two brothers, a girlfriend and now his only son to suicide.

 

Every week in Ireland we hear of 1-2 two teenage male suicides.

What is going on?

It is like a war is in motion , claiming the lives of beautiful young men and women ( mainly men ).

Teenagers seem to have no idea of the meaning of life; or how to handle emotional pain. They dont understand their sense of hopelessness combined with crazy hormones is a temporary thing. They demand instant quick fix solutions to emotional pain.

So much money is spent on prolonging the life of elderly people or saving the lives of babies with complicated birth defects.....when really these people are an anomalie of nature.

So little money is being spent on tackling youth suicide.

Teachers seem powerless, or unable to read the signs......

Parents seem unaware of the struggles their kids are going thru'.

 

There is so much emphasis now on sucess- in academia and sports.....Kids arent allowed to be kids anymore. Parents boast about how well their kids are doing in school or at football or at this and that - but never boast if their kids are not the best in the class but just happy.

 

Kids are not taught true and meaningful life coaching skills in religious classes.; just dogmatic bull that doesnt make sense to them.

 

What a scary world we live in .

 

 

What kills us all is he chose a ghost housing estate on a dark cold wintery night. How desolate and bleak and lonely and devastating for his dad especially.

 

My heart is with YOU dear cousin. I dont know what to say. There are no words can offer meaning or comfort. I know you will feel guilt at letting him go back to his moms but it was his choice. Its all so vvv unbelievable.

[chickydoodle]

The sun has come out on this snow covered day, to add a little light to our hearts.

My thoughts are with Cormac my cousin.

Not many men have lost their only beloved sons.

I guess God did but God would be beyond the pain of us mortals.

The lyrics of a song come to mind:

 

''If God ever suffered, it was me who did his crying''

 

 

These lyrics are from the song Wendy by 'concrete Blonde'. Again I find I resonate with the lyrics from so many of her songs.

[chickydoodle]

Tough day. Bitterly cold at the funeral. The priest gave an excellent sermon. I was impressed. He didnt skirt around the issue of suicide- handled it beautifully and gave a good strong loving message to those poor lost teenagers who filled the church.

It was bitterly cold at the grave. The church played his favourite rap song which was lost in the strong wind......

 

What now for poor Cormac? Will he soldier on or fall apart? I will miss him so much if he leaves the area. He has been such an integral part of my life here and a source of strength these past three tough years...

How can I help him?