Why Do We Idealize/Idolize Our Exes?

[anon728]

Why is it that we sit here idealizing/idolizing our exes? I was just sitting here, and I all of a sudden started feeling bad for something that happened around last Halloween, and thought, 'You know, I shouldn't have done that.' WHO CARES? It is not like that broke us up? Why is it that we, the dumpee, have this feeling like we were solely responsible for the breakup, that the dumper did nothing to contribute to the downfall of the relationship?

[RayKay]

I don't know, I don't feel that way!

 

I definitely feel we both played our parts, and are both human. Sad, and we both wish it had gone differently, but I CERTAINLY do not idolize him. We both made mistakes (him more than I ).

[hockeyboy]

it may be because they make you feel that way, or i should put it...you let them make you feel that way.

[anon728]

you let them make you feel that way.

 

so true

[hockeyboy]

so to everyone: STOP IT.

[Soulfully]

Well, people say that I've always idealised (sp) my ex, from the start till now, which is almost 4 months after our breakup. Maybe they're right, and I still do idealise her, but I believe differently. Its true that we do tend to idealise our lovers, especially at the beginning. But in my case, I started to grow a deeper understanding and loving towards my ex the more I got to know her, the many facets of her, her problems, virtues, imperfections etc... It made me understand that as time passed, and the more I got to know her, the more I loved the fact that she was/is a human being, with her virtues and her flaws... a real human being, and not some fake romantic idea of how a perfect princess she is... cos she's not, and im no where near perfect either... dont think i would want to anyways. Truth is, perfection doesnt exist. Anyways, point is, even though she left me in a rather sudden and cold way, I dont feel anger or resentment, and suddenly feel that she's a cold hearted $%&$%&... no... she's just a normal young human being that is living, learning, doing good, making mistakes along the way etc... Its life!

 

I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I have also hurt people unintentionally. Is it immaturity? lack of emotional intelligence? Probably, but we all are culprits and victims of hurt, and hopefully, as time passes and experiences go by, we start learning and continue to learn to love, and hurt as least as humanly possible. Difficult task, yet I believe that that's one of the aspects that growing up and maturing throughout life entails. And its not about not living your life to the fullest just in case u hurt people along the way...its about living life, and being consciously aware that your decisions and behaviour will affect other people close to you, and hence we should practice empathy and continue to develop emotional intelligence, for our own good, and for those around us.

 

I still love my ex despite the fact that she left pretty suddenly and broke my heart. Do i idealise her? No. I see all her virtues and great potential, and I also see her errors and weaknesses. But hey, nobody's perfect... we're both young, living and learning, making mistakes along the way, and hopefully trying to improve ourselves experience after experience. I love her as a woman, I love her as a human being and hence hope she finds the path that she's always been looking for.

 

So visualise the bigger picture of life. Humans are flawed by nature, but that's the beauty of it. Dont idealise, contemplate the human being you love as a whole, if you don't like what you see, then u've got your answer. If you still do, like i do, let go peacefully, and continue to live life. That's the only true treasure.

 

Dont think this answers your question, sorry hehe.

 

Peace.

[crookster_man]

IT all depends on the the situtuation surounding the breakup. Was infidelity involved? Was it a rough breakup? A lot of times the dumpee feel they are responsible. Why? well usally it has something to do with a sense of rejection. Most people can't face the fact that they were rejected and try to find the reson for it. Rather then accepting the fact that it just didn't work out.

 

Not everyone is compatible, that is the nature of relationships. Many people try to go over there relationship in detail trying to find out what went wrong. never realising that it was in fact a combination of many things that lead to the eventual split.

 

No relationship goes from hunky dory to splitsville over night. Try not to focus on the "what if's" and "where did I go wrong". If you catch yourself doing that. Stop yourself and just say "What happened happened. For better or worse it is over. Now I will move forward and try focus on today".

[user1481]

Very well put Soulfully. Damn I'm glad I found this forum!

[user1481]

And also to Crookster, that is how i get thru my times in doubt too. I used to beat myself up all the time about things that I may have or may not have done that may have cause her pushing me away. But then I looked at it as....the confidence that I felt when we were together was a sign that I truly was doing the right thing for the most part...and by looking back and trying to correct the few mistakes I might have made was basically trying to be perfect. Since we're not, a person should be able to make some mistakes, talk about them, learn from them and continue a healthy relationship.

[cassiana]

I don't feel the same as you. I idolised my ex the moment I set eyes on him. He was everything I wanted. But i didn't think I'd ever be that lucky. When he rang me out of the blue 3 weeks later and asked me out after only meeting me once I couldn't believe my luck. I was so happy. I floated on a cloud for 3 months until he dumped me. I know I didn't do anything to end it. It was his damn illness. I have dated before nad I've dated since but no-one ever made me feel this way. I have never pined for an ex like this. I broke up with a guy just before i met him and I never thought of him again. I broke up with a guy since that special relationship and I never think of him. He was the one, I knew it then I know it now and there isn't a damned thing that I can do about it.