Inferring and controlling

[sasha12]

This has been a huge problem in my life. I can't get my mom to stop controlling and interfering in my life. She has told some terrible lies about me and tries to breakup every relationship that I have been in. I"m in a new relationship. I have been in this relationship for a little over a year and my mom has already interfered by telling him a bunch of lies . My bf confronted me about what she had told him amd he believes me thank god. But she does anything she can think of to make our lives a living hell. I have tried to cut off or limit my contact with her but it is difficult because she is my mother. And it is next to impossible to defend myself with her. But it is also hard to try to keep a good relationship going with my bf because of the constant lying and interfering. My bf has never met my mother only talked to her once on the phone. He says after speaking to her on the phone he has no intentions of ever wanting to meet her and I don't blame him. But this has caused so many problems for me and I can't express how hard it is to have a mother like this . I am just trying so hard to be happy and I don't need all this stress in my life.

[OceanEyes]

Wow, I really feel for you. I wouldn't know what to do if my mother was that horrible, honestly! A mother is supposed to protect you from things like that, not create them!

 

I would try to cut her off completely. I would suggest that you have a chat with her, but I'm sure you've been down that road before with little change. Talk to your close family members (brother(s)/ sister(s)) about this situation, and ask them not to talk about her when your boyfriend is around. I am guessing that if you do have siblings, that they understand what kind of woman your mother is and will support you.

 

At 33 years old you are a grown woman who has her own life, your mother shouldn't be interfering as she is. Is she really bored, or what? I'd tell her exactly what I thought, although I am normally very respectful of my parents, I wouldn't be if my mother behaved this way.

[sasha12]

I think that is why it it so hard for me to speak up to her because she is my mother and I have tried to speak up to her once and she told my brother and my father that i got violent and threw stuff at her. this is not true there isn't a mean or violent bone in my body. But i think she does it to seek attention and I kinda think she is miserable with her own life and wants to make everyone else miserable around her. But in return it is very difficult to be in a new relationship and try to explain my mothers behavior to my new boyfriend.

[Vanilla]

I really feel for you. She is very similar to my boyfriends mother. I know she doesnt like me all that much because her baby boy is not with her anymore even though he's a man now. She cries and makes up things to make people feel sorry for her, OUT OF NOWHERE. Its to the point that like YOU, he just doesn't stand for her crap and usually wants to be away from her. She tries to make everyones life a living hell. So basically she pushes (unconsciously) everyone away from her. She can't hold relationships with anyone.

 

It sounds to me like MAYBE your mom might be jealous of you. Of your youth. Maybe she didn't do certain things for herself that she might have liked to do when she was your age, or that you could be living a life she might have wanted. Maybe she's just having her midlife crisis? I would like to know if you could share the things she says to your boyfriends or people/family about you, these lies you speak of. Maybe in knowing her words/lies it will be easier for us to understand what she intends of making these people feel or portray you as and that might help to know why she does this.

 

I'm really sorry. I could NOT bear it. I would talk to her and tell her HONESTLY EVERYTHING i feel and think of her and what she does and if she does not accept it and regrets it as hard as it is, I'd have to stay away from my mom. Jesus I'm sorry! Hope to hear from you soon

[GrayBlueEyes]

Sasha, I know where you're at and it's very frustrating. My own mother (now deceased) was an alcoholic who suffered from bouts of depression. This made her unpleasant, to say the least. I think the thing that made me the most angry was her undying need to be the center of attention. She would say or do ANYTHING to make something about her. I finally had to cut her out of my life, as being around her was like being next to a black hole.

 

My advice to you would be to tell your mother exactly how she makes you feel when she interferes and tell lies about you. Make it clear to her that her behavior is completely unacceptable and until it changes, you want no further contact with her. Then do just that...NO contact. One of two things will happen: she will either change her ways when she realizes she will receive no attention from you otherwise, or she'll simply just keep on, in which case you won't have lost anything and you'll have the added benefit of having distanced yourself, to boot. Either way, you win.

 

In the meantime, enjoy your boyfriend and go forward with life. You deserve to be happy.

[sasha12]

thankyou for your reply. I have tried having no contact with my mother but it did'nt work well because of my children. So I am kinda in a no win situation. But a couple months ago I had gotten into some trouble the first time I had ever gotten into trouble in my life but I was going through a divorce and a alot of hardship and I started drinking alot because I didn't have much support from my family and I really needed it. Anyways I got really drunk one night at a hotel I was staying at and I got into a big agrument with my bf and I stormed out and got into my car and I ended up going into the ditch. I got arrested and put in jail for drinking and driving (normally I never drink and drive just wanted to make that clear)but while I was in jail my bf didn't know what happened and he was trying to find me because he was worried. He called at my moms house and this was the first time she had ever spoke to him and she told him that I was in jail and that I had a mental illness, that I didn't like him that I only wanted to be his friend,that I can't take care of myself and that I'm very irresponsible and that they were just going to leave me in jail because I deserved to be there. I know this is a long story but my mom will tell the guys that i date that I have a mental illness and I feel like she does that so that I can't state my opinion on anything or so that nobody believes what I'm saying and this is hard for me becauses for a long time I thought I did have a problem and it makes me very confused because she has a way of twisting everything around and when your raised up like that it is very hard to trust and I think she might be the one that has that has something wrong with her.

[GrayBlueEyes]

Oh, she most definitely has something wrong with her! You're not imagining that.

 

I can see where no contact would be a problem because of your children...however, you could always add "oh, and if you don't stop this nonesense, you won't see the kids, either, because I don't want them around someone like you." Yes, it's harsh, but it might be the one thing that gets her attention. Ordinarily, I would never advocate using children as pawns in anything, but in this case, they may indeed be better off, as your mother seems to be a horriby toxic presense.

 

Good luck to you.

[Leslii]

If she has put you through all that why would you want to put your own children in her misery. Just because she is your mother it doesn't give her the right to emotionally abuse you. She is a very ill woman. She wants to drag you down with her. Misery loves company!!!! Don't fall into her trap. You may also want to get counseling.If she has been like this for years you may have some emotional scars that need healing. I can't imagine what you have been through. You need to cut the cord. Get away from her. Get your children away from her. She doesn't need to drag them through her life of destruction. She has already done it to you.

It is time for this to end.