First Holidays Without the Ex. Relapsing Badly.

[PaperSt1537]

My ex of two years left me on Sept 4th due to my depression and anxiety issues and my failure to acclimate to New York City life after living together for a year and a half.

 

I've had extremely limited contact with her since then and it's been the most difficult breakup of my life. I'm not close with my family (more estranged really) so I spent the last two holiday seasons with her very close and caring family. They were very generous and kind to me and made a large effort to include me in their lives.

 

Yesterday I spent thanksgiving alone, walking the streets of Philadelphia pining over times gone by, imagining again if there were some way of having her in my life again, knowing its not possible but hoping nonetheless.

 

I've never felt so alone and dejected. I wake up many times throughout the night in cold sweats and wake up every morning in tears knowing what I'm about to face during the day. My life has become this routine, a rut that I can't escape. I find myself looking around for someone to meet or date and become disgusted with myself for thinking I'm ready or that anyone would want someone with so many emotional difficulties.

 

At times I wonder why or how she's moved on so well. I question whether I ever meant that much to her in the first place when the breakup has been so easy for her. It makes me angry and crushingly sad at the same but it also makes sense to me considering how little I did for myself when we were together. I gave her love and I treated her well but I took her for granted and eschewed self improvement in favor of living my life for her and drained her of all caring for me. I burned her out and now she's just relieved that its over.

 

I don't know how to move forward anymore. I keep thinking time will help but after almost four months apart its been relapse after relapse and nothing seems to help, it only makes things worse.

[tjcalif]

I totally can relate to your feelings as I am estranged from my family and have had a bad bad breakup. I can't offer advice because I strugle each day to tell myself this will pass. The thing is that a relationship or our relationship with family should be a part of our life not our whole life or make us a whole person. When Im down like you were yesturday I feel deep down it is how I feel about me that is bringing me down. It is just escalated by the BU and whatever else is going on in my life.. I hope this made sense? Take care and your never alone. PM me if you need to talk

[rebellefleur]

I'm from philadelphia, so be careful walking those streets alone! Kidding, mostly!

 

But the holidays will be hard, no doubt. It's always filled with love and appreciation and spending things together, which just basically rubs it in the heartbroken's face. Hang in there though. You're being too hard on yourself, the feelings you've listed i can totally relate to and it's easy to sit and dwell on the what if's but you'll drive yourself mad! You really need to focus on yourself right now and fixing the issues that you have internally. And honestly, you want someone who is going to be by your side no matter what.

[Merc]

I feel your pain friend. This is my first holiday alone in 4 years, my ex left me for someone else last month. But it will get better, you got to focus on YOU. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy, you need to make yourself happy. Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, work extra hours at work, meet new people, watch movies, do anything to distract yourself. When my ex left me, I thought my world was over, but a month later I'm changing myself for the better. I mean yea, I think about her everyday, but it's starting to become a memory now. Talking to a therapist won't hurt either, I do and it feels great.

[PaperSt1537]

Thank you for your replies and kind words. While this has been the hardest breakup I've ever dealt with, it's also been strangely the most amicable. I fought for her when she left me, but not hard. I could tell from her approach to it all that she was done.

 

We didn't discuss the relationship much, other than my begging for one more chance to change. Everything was shot down as soon as it came up with her fortitude and absolution. All the feelings I have are pent up without any expression to her because I know it's nothing she wants or cares about anymore. But it wells up inside of me and with no release it feels like my soul is corroding with each day.

 

My tendency for melodrama aside, I know there are things I should be doing to heal that I can't seem to find the will to do. Everything is affected. Job, school, interpersonal relations, all of it, and I can't seem to get it together and move on.

[Mark33]

I have similar story with you, only that I was 11 years with my gf, and we were convinced from millions of reasons that we are soulmates.

 

Nothing mattered anymore once she saw that I love her and saw weakness or anxiety one time in me... she enjoyed dumping me

and pushed me as hard as she could so that I would suicide out of regret of losing her...

 

She told me it feels good for her, that if she wouldn't have seen me so much in love with her, she would have never let in the past

the 11 years of amazing wonderful memories of everything we did together, all our exotic holidays, etc etc

 

And that she feels good being evil and exterminating men... because women are superior and deserve everything... ?!?

 

anytime message me PM maybe we keep in touch