Commitment Phobe Strikes Again...

[Swede]

Ok....so I'm back, probably to nobody's surprise.

This is again about my ex CP relathionship…… My old thread is here...

link removed

 

After going back and forth many times the first year of our relationship, I finally said enough, went on my way and went one month of NC. Then the calls started coming. He wanted to come back, and that during our month of NC he had come to many realizations. He told me that number one reason for intentionally ruining our relationship was based on another woman. Carla, this woman, has been a friend since 3 grade and over the years, they've kept in touch sporadically, mainly a 2 minute phone call once a quarter to "catch up". That's it! And I know this is true. They have never had a relationship but according to him, she's been a sort of security blanket, a fantasy (which I have read is very common for CPs). He said he thought that she was just in his mind, that he could commit to something that wasn't even there.

 

Coming back, he told me during his soul-searching, he had finally confronted and admitted those feelings for Carla to himself and let it go. He realized I was the one, he wanted to marry me, have children with me and that she was no longer a part of his life.

 

I listened and I took him back. I did so based on two things- that he go to therapy and told Carla farewell. I told him if we were to move forward, I could not live with the potential influence of her everything something was going wrong with us. He promised to do both.

 

He went to therapy- four times, and then informed me he didn't need it because he had worked out his issues. Then last four months have been bittersweet. He's again pursued me, rushing things, talking about our future, how much he loves me and how he can't wait for us to start a family. Sure we've had fights and I have admittedly had a hard time trusting his words so I have pushed him several times, probably to test his commitment and each time- he's stood his ground and assured me he's done running away. Overall, our last four months have been really wonderful.

 

I told him he would not have to call Carla and end their "relationship" but that when she called, he would need to tell her. He kept saying he would and he would tell me once he talked to her but last month or so, he started giving me a hard time about. He'd do it, but he made sure it was under protest.

 

Well she called 3 weeks ago, I had his phone when she called. It was a missed call and he never told me if they had had contact again since the call so I pushed the issue once again. I told him it's been four months and I have no faith that he will keep his word, that his "fictitious feelings" as he referred to them as, were too strong and that he needed to do this for us to close that chapter and move forward. After a whole day of agony of not hearing back from him, he called me and I went over to his house.

 

He told me he could not commit himself to me 100% because his feelings for her were too strong, that he was not able to say goodbye to her, and that we were never able to move forward unless he found out once and for all if there was anything there between them. He said he needed to be true to himself and for him to do that, he had to let me go because if he didn't do this, he'd always wonder. He needed to confront her about his feelings to see if she felt the same. He said because they managed to keep in touch so long, he though they may be meant to be together. He gave me a pity-party comment on how he was "risking everything" to finally be able to put this to rest. CLEARLY I'm not everything since he's chosing someone else over me.

 

NOBODY, knows what the hell this guy is talking about, my friends, his friends etc. They've never even heard of this girl. He hasn't seen her for over 5 years, he barely even knows her which he admits to and she lives in another state.

 

My question is, how can he leave our relationship that has been so good since we "worked things out" for someone he doesn't even know?? Is this just an excuse to get out because he's feeling the commitment fear again? I'm in some serious pain........it was so sudden, and I feel very betrayed. I feel like he's cheated on me mentally and that nothing he said or did was true.

[dontknowwhattodo]

Hi there,

 

Sorry to hear this happened to you. He is a classic commitment probe. I went back to read your past post and it seems to me that you guys had been broken up so many times. Everyone needs a second chance and I think you already gave him his chance for taking him back.

 

From what you wrote, he is not willing to give up his thing with this girl, so why would you want to be around to hurt yourself? You deserve better. I know it is hard to not calling, thinking, contacting him but you need to let this guy go. If he is confused and wants to try out with this girl, let it be. If he is a commitment probe, I am sure that this very behavior will also show up with the new girl too if they ever have a relationship. You would be surpised to know that the more you try to convince someone, the more he won't listen to you. And even if you are success in managing him to stops communicating with this girl at this moment, one day down the road his curiosity will lead him to want to try this girl again. You cannot kill anybody's fantacy.

 

Please be strong.

[Mjane]

This guy is gone for good and you should say good ridance. Even if he comes back begging you, he's gone.

You can't change this guy. He's the one with issues and until he deals with them he won't change.

There is no relationship with this girl. It's too bad you focused so much energy on it. Because this girl (who you say he barely knows, hasn't seen in five years etc.) is his escape hatch. He's always going to have an escape hatch until he gets over his fear. And because your relationship has been tainted with this escape hatch a couple of times, you and he will never work out.

Just my opinion

[Swede]

Thanks for your responses. I know you're right, he's using her as an excuse because he's so f'up in the head, but I think he's convinced himself that this is true.

 

I know you're right of course, realistically I KNOW I need to get over him and get over him for good. He just makes it seem so easy and that's what's killing me. I've agonized, analyzed and gone over every single detail said and done the past week, wondering where I should have seen the signs. This time, it came a lot quicker than last times. He basically said he made the decision in TWO days to leave me for her..........

 

He's also minimizing what he's done. He was so matter-of-factly telling me, showed no remorse, no emotions. It's almost like he won't acknoledge anything he previously said and I have pages after pages of it writing promising something like this will NEVER happen again and he's never been more sure about anything in his life. When I said clearly you lied to my face when you repeatedly told me I was the one and you wanted to spend your life with me, all he had to say was "I meant it at the time, I thougt I could put it behind me, this is the way it has to be. I have to find out so there are no more questions".

 

At one point he even said "We are never going to be able to move forward if I don't find out for sure if anything is there". Like I'm supposed to just sit on the curb with my broken, bleeding heart laid out on the pavement and wait in case she doesn't want him.

 

Well again, thanks for answering. Everyone keeps telling me I'm lucky he's gone because he's not good for me, but I really don't feel very lucky right now......just betrayed and stepped on. It's nice to have a place to vent.

[Mjane]

swede,

If it makes you feel any better I think everyone -- man and woman -- has been fooled by a screwed up person before. Myself included. I know it's hard. But try and push thoughts of reconciliation of your mind. As well, you aren't at fault here. So try and let go of all the analysis. I believe this guy meant everything he said to you. He just is incapable of following through because of his phobic fears. Consider yourself luck that he didn't leave you at the alter.

You know what to look out for now in phobic guys.

Take care of youself,

[Swede]

Thanks Mjane.....I hear what you're saying. I think he meant it at the time, but that's the problem and if he were to come back, it would still be a problem because he says what he feels for the moment and doesn't care that someone might actually take him seriously.

 

As for the update……Carla is coming to visit……I'm sick to my stomach. Thank god I'm not dead because my body wouldn't be cold yet. I can't fu&*%^$ believe how he can bring her down, sleep in the same bed (he only has one) a week after this. How can it be so easy for guys???? The thought of being with someone else is so remote for me. This weekend is going to be terrible but I have made plans to stay busy.

 

Another thing that really pisses me off, yes, I'm already at the angry state, is that he tried to project it onto me. While claiming wonderful Carla was the reason, he also said "well we both knew this might have been impossible to do and you knew that it wouldn't last too". NO, I didn't, because I actually believed his crap. Here's what gets me, how can someone that supposedly care for you, break your heart and have the audacity to make you feel worse by putting the blame back in your lap. He knows damn well what he's done.

 

Lastly, this guy owes me money that he's being very reluctant to give back. He's been getting my paychecks while I wait for my visa. Well when he kicked me out six months ago, he had helped me out with rent and utilities and a couch since I was only there for 3 months and had gotten rid off all my stuff. Now when I told him how much he owes me right now he says he's taking out whatever money he gave me last time, even though this is the first time he's asked for it back. And he says I have to wait till his next paycheck……..always on his terms. It's so messed up that it has to be this way….

[Swede]

Well, update - I guess he's feeling lonely and perhaps a little sad. It's a little sooner than anticipated but he emailed me this morning. Here's what he said:

 

Just wanted to see if you were ok. I care, I really do. I know you're upset and would probably not like to hear from me...I just didn't know. So I'm seeing how you are. I'm not trying to play games...I know what I've done and I know the consequences. I just wanted to see how you were. I hope your doing ok. I have money for you, let me know how you'd like me to get it to you.

 

Now that's all fine and dandy on the money part but there's no reason for him to email me asking how I want it since last time we emailed, I gave him my address and told him to mail me a check which he said he would do next pay check. I know this is his usual little games, trying to test the waters and wants me to respond but I'm done dancing. I know if I reply, even to just say "mail it", he will take it as an opportunity to email me again and off we go. So, my friend that I met through him, is playing softball tonight and my friend is bringing some clothes and stuff that I still had of his. He will also tell my EX to "mail it as per previous agreement".

 

I just really don't want to reply to him, in ANY way because he doesn't deserve to know how I'm doing or open up any communication lines. I also know that he still hasn't seen Carla, not sure why she didn't make it down since he was so eager to start his life with her but I have a feeling her answer was not what he expected, so now he's probably thinking "well, I guess I can always go back to Sandra until something better comes along since she always takes me back". The nerve of him.

 

I'm really trying to be strong here, it's so hard for me not to reply out of curiosity to see what he wants but I never want to be second best to anyone and he's hurt me more than he'll ever know.

 

thanks for listening........