have you had a relationship with someone who is depressed?

[qt]

hiya

 

i wanted to know if anyone has had or is havin a reltionship with someone who is severly depressed, or if you're in a reltionship and are depressed yourself (not neccessaruly becasue f the relationship) you may have read my posts but if not, here is my latest one.

 

link removed

 

i would just like to know peoples stories,situations and opinons on the matter

 

thanxs xxx

[happythoughts]

gt,

 

I went out with a guy who was depressed when I was not much older than you - just 20. I loved him with all my heart - when he was up he was wonderful, when he was down he was a nightmare (uncommunicative, couldn't get out of bed for days, rude and horrible) I stayed with him for over a year and a half and he used to ask me to stay and be with him and care for him because he needed me. He didn't want me to give up on him and I didn't want to give up on him.

 

But in the end, I realised that no matter how much you love somebody, you cannot sort out a person who is depressed. They need very serious professional help. No matter how hard you try, you cannot be their proper support system and it's heartbreaking for you to walk away but you have to. In the end I was devastated but I had no more energy left.

 

Now I see him quite regularly and we are friends (he's 29 now). He's wonderful and lovely to be with but I'm so glad we're not together.

 

Your guy needs to sort himself out. The other person who said he is abusing you is right. He might not be meaning to but he is with another girl and he is not giving you what you deserve because he can't. This is not healthy for you. You deserve so much more sweetheart. I know you love him but he might never get better.

[SecondChance]

I don't know if this will help coming from a professional therapist.

Everyone posting on this board is basically correct.

 

We know you love him, nothing you or he does will change that. BUT he is VERY ill, he needs professional help. In addition, he is being extremely manipulative and abusive - the fact that he is using cutting on himself and threatening suicide as a way to manipulate you, and the fact that he has another girlfriend, AND him saying that YOU need to move to him OR ELSE... that is not just depression, that is something else.

 

It's the kind of behavior you see in alcoholics, drug abusers and addicts - they can't take responsibility for themselves, they blame others for their problems, and they basically live their lives in an IF ONLY fantasy ("if only someone ELSE would do ---, then life would be perfect" instead of them taking responsiblity for changing themselves). So, by you giving in to his demands, or even considering them, you are just perpetuating that point of view, that fantasy. I know it's really hard to see that right now, especially because you love him so much.

 

You've said that NC is not an option. Barring that, then you need to tell him 1) to get professional help 2) and DON'T give in to whatever other demands he makes.

 

If he threatens to commit suicide, tell him that you love him so much that you take his threats with the UTMOST seriousness. If you're really truly scared that he will kill himself, tell him that you will alert his family so they can take action to protect him. I know this sounds like it is escalating the situation, rather than de-escalating it, which is what you are trying to do. But YOU need to be the strong one here. If you're saying to yourself, "No way, I'd never tell his family" or cutting off other options that might SAVE HIS LIFE, then maybe deep down you know he wouldn't REALLY commit suicide, and is just using that tactic to get what he wants.

 

If he threatens to cut on himself, I think your only option at this point is to say "go ahead if it will make you feel better." HE'S the only one who can make steps towards stopping this, which would be to seek help. You need to understand that giving into his demands will NOT STOP his behavior. In fact, it will only INCREASE the odds that this behavior will continue, because he will see that cutting is both a good way to relieve pain AND an effective way to get what he wants.

 

How much do you REALLY love your soulmate? Enough to stand up to him and say, "Look, I love you, but you are HURTING YOURSELF and I'm not going to play along with it???"

 

By the way, your denial about his girlfriend worries me a little. You can't block that out forever. In order for someone to truly be your soulmate, THEY have to feel about you the same way you feel about them. If you really love someone, you are honest with them, you don't play games. Right now, you and your "soulmate" are both playing the "Let's pretend my girlfriend doesn't exist" game. It's main rule is "If we don't talk about her, maybe we can pretend she isn't there." This is a very unhealthy and painful game to play in a relationship. However, it's not the main priority at the moment, so I don't want to lecture you on this.

 

Good luck.

[TheMisfit]

i am bipolar.

it is a hereditary problem.

various phyciatrists detected the problem when i was about 15...

ive got a chemical imbalence or something, i dont really know.

[Double J]

one of my ex g/f's suffered from depression. It wasn't as serious as your situation, but it was still hard to deal with. There were days that she was really in the dumps. Let me tell you - I'm almost always happy, and this girl would get so depressed sometimes that it would make me depressed too, and it takes a lot to do that. Eventually she became a bit of a doormat and I cut her loose. It's not easy dealing with people who suffer from depression

[cassiana]

My father and brother suffer from depression. It seems to be a big problem on my father's side of the family. The ex I write about here had M.E a part of which is depression. One of my friends at work ( ex i should say because she betrayed me) also suffers from depression. I love my family and I was mad about my ex but I have to say that the greatest source of heartache in my life has been these people. Im a naturally happy person but they have sucked it right out of me and dragged me down into their depression. My father hit me for something I didnt do, deliberately damaged the car would try and stop me and my mom from going to work etc when he was in his down moods. He threatened suicide. My brother ran away a few times, cut himself and threatened suicide. They both went to therapy but that only made it worse. There they would blame the rest of us for there ills in a non-judgemental atmosphere and would feel vindicated in their behaviour. All my life was spent walking on their tightrope. They were never asked to lift a finger in an attempt to keep them in some sort of pleasant mood. I remember coming home from school one day after a hard day and my mother said "not you too, I couldnt handle another bad mood" and I got mad and said "Well when the hell is it my turn. When am I allowed to have a bad mood?" and she said. "You are dead right". When trying to console my brother once I told him how I coped when I was down. "But you are never down" he said. That sums up depressed people up for me. They feel sorry for themselves, upset you, manipulate you, run off and hide if you get sico or need help and never notice when you are depressed while expecting you to understand thei every whim. They use depression to get out of anything. If you look at what my ex said when he dumped me. "When I thin of you I think of sunny disposition and I even naively thought that when I broke up with you, you would take it with a smile" and "you have been good for me". Yes I was good for him, I was good for them all and they sucked me dry like selfish vampires. My Ex and brother are pleasant and charming but I Will never date a depressed person again. I want to be looked after for once.

[DragonGirl724]

im writing this reply which i copied & pasted from my reply i sent to you in that link u put in your post. b/c i think it should be heard. its very important.

 

im focusing on one main part of this post...its the part where he said if he loses u completely (friend etc) he will kill himself....hello! thats not healthy! nor is that fair to you!!! he should never put that burden on you like that. have that guilt reside on your shoulders! u are human u need time to heal, u know how u feel & u know u cant be friends w/ sumone youre in love with neither can I! its normal!! hes not letting you carry on w/ ur life b/c he wants to have u near by. & uses suicide as the ultimate threat! thats so not cool! u should slowly back away. u dont need someone like this in your life. u are comfortable w/ having him in your life b/c of time/history u spent together etc. u probably wont love him much longer. u will probably get depressed yourself & hate your life as he does. get out while u still can!!!

 

-DG724

[fantasia2004]

Oh my God!

 

DragonGirl, I saw your site and you are so pretty and yet your ex treated you like this. Move on to bigger and better things because DRAGON GIRL IS TAKING THE WORLD BY STORM!

[DragonGirl724]

awwwww thanks hun! so awesome of you! u rock! yeah my ex was a jerk in the end i guess...

 

i feel really strongly for the poster of this topic even more tho its some reallly crazy stuff!

 

but yeah thanks a million hun it was very cool of you to say that.

 

-DG724

[qt]

i just wanted to say thank you to each and evryone of you for replying to my post. i'm kind of coping with the situation and just trying to take it step my step. although most of you said that he's just hurting me and stuff, i can't leave him to cope with his depression by himself. i know that he needs me right now and the worst thing i can do is to abandon him. he was really upset last night and so wanted to just cry but couldnt. i told him that all he neede was someone who he could 100% trust and could comfort him just to hold him and that would help. he replied with 'but i want that person to be you'

my priority rite now is not to get back with him, because i know that having a girlfriend right now probably isnt the best thing and i dont think that his gf right now will last(but you never know) i'm tryin to help him now, been talking to him more about getting some proffesional help. hopefully that will help him with things.

i just wanted to say an extra thank you to the proffesional response from the therapist. although i must say that i think you read the situation a bit wrong, he doesnt cut and tell me, its not an attention seeking game for him becaus ei have to dragg it out him to tell me sometimes, but i do appreciate what you said

i will inform you on anything else that occurs

thanxs again xxx