If you died, would you want your partner to remarry?

[drahcir]

Something really really bothers me. I know people who have lost thier spouses to death. But later many of them remarry and this really really bothers me. For me, if my wife died, I would never marry another girl. She would only be the ONE in my heart. Even after her death, I could leave her for another. And if I died, I would like the idea of my wife finding someone else....being with him, kissing him, sleeping with him.....that is an unbearable thought.

 

What is your opinion on remarriage after death?

[ItsyBitsyMel]

personally, i think the person left alive will always be in love with the one who passed away. But, as cruel and maybe impossible as this may sound to you, life goes on. If your spouse dies when you are 22, are you actually going to spend the rest of your life alone? And what about people who get divorced and re marry? They were in love more than once, werent they? Which is their true love?

[antzca2000]

I think it makes sense for them to remarry.

 

 

Remarrying doesnt mean you stop loving her, but what are you going to do about it? Its not even like..... with an Ex where you stay single because you hope theyll come back to you.

 

 

You cant stay single hoping that your wife will come back alive.

[PAdreamer]

Here is what I know: If I die, I do not want my man to live the rest of his life alone and depressed about what happened. I would want him to move past it and find happiness. All I care about his his happiness. I would not want him to forget me, and I know that no one could take my place in his heart. But maybe there would be someone out there who could do a good job of loving him and making him happy. Someone I could be friends with and that I would trust, if I were there. I want him to be happy.

 

I can't imagine being with anyone but him, and if he died, I don't know what would become of me. Maybe I would remarry... I don't know. I can't imagine it, and it would take a long long time for me to get to that point. But I know that is what he would want. But no one could ever take his place.

[tea]

I'm the same way. If I'm not able to be with him anymore, I wish he can forget about me ASAP and find someone else. I know it will hurt me... but I want him to be happy.

 

If he leaves me, it'll take me years to recover, but eventually I will find another person and store him in my heart.

 

 

This post reminds me of a story. I'm very tired so I'll write the shortened version...

 

In the old days, a country with a colosseum (sp? tired can't spell, don't want to check), lives a king and a princess and the queen is not important...

 

Well, the princess falls in love with a peasant and king is outraged. He arrested the peasant and made an event for him. He gets a chance to live under the eyes of all citizens. He will be put into a colloseum where one gate holds a tiger and the other gate holds a beautiful lady. He gets one chance to choose. The tiger will take his life and the lady will marry him.

 

The princess found out which gate holds which ahead of time. On the day of the event she also watches from the balcony of the colosseum. He sees her, and she watches him too. When it comes the time to choose, he looked at her, asking for an answer or a fate. She pounders in sorrow. If she chooses the tiger he will be ripped into pieces in front everyone. If she chooses the woman she will be handing him over to another woman.

 

A few moments later, she pointed to the east gate.

 

 

.... now, the question is, if you are the princess (guys, sorry, you can rewrite the story with prince and peasant...), well, if you are the princess, which gate would you choose?

 

 

 

Kind of obvious which gate I chose... I'm interested in the answer, but not all people tell the truth with this story I heard. Collecting answers blind and collecting answers with a name tied to it gives very different results. With blind collection 10% choose the woman, collecting answers with names gives 60% choosing the woman.

[shes2smart]

Whether separated through death or a break-up, I would want my former partner to move on. Life is for the living, and that includes meeting new people and having relationships with them.

 

She would only be the ONE in my heart

 

As an aside, the concept of "the ONE" has caused more unnecessary misery and difficulty for people, IMO. Want proof? Just look around this board with a somewhat critical eye. The things people will do and/or put up with because this guy/girl might be "the ONE."

 

Major stupid things I myself have done because "he might be the ONE" -- stayed with an abusive alcoholic longer than I should have, picked up and moved to be with someone who was a cheater, and lots of other smaller things that weren't the best choices.

 

If you buy into the idea that there is such a thing as "the ONE" it colors the way you approach romantic relationships. It gives them a sort of life and death importance and drama they don't need to have. Yes, relationships ARE important, but they don't need be fraught with as much angst-inducing drama as many are.

 

When I stopped believing the concept of "the ONE", relationships became much easier. Instead, I adopted these ideas in place of the concept of "the ONE" -- you will meet a number of people in your lifetime...of these people you will be closer to some than others..some will be acquaintences...some will be friends...some you will be physically intimate with...some will teach you things, others will learn things from you, and in some cases you will be both teacher and student...some will be in your life for a only a few moments, others for years, and others every time frame in between -- With those ideas, all of a sudden the pressure is off. Meeting new people and developing attraction becomes more of an adventure, not some sort of monumental, life-or-death choice. It also frees you to be who you are, since you're not tempted to try/appear to be what the other person wants (...just in case s/he's "the ONE")

 

The other problem with the concept of "the ONE" is this - over time, if we are continuing on a path of learning and (for lack of a better word) enlightenment, we change. Our partners do not necessarily change with us, nor do they necessarily grow in the same ways or follow the same path. That's as it should be. We're each here to work on different things in this lifetime. Your path will intersect others, it may even run parallel to someone else's path for a long time, but never forget that you are both on separate journeys in this life and at some point, those two paths may no longer run together.

[ayekasong]

If I died, I would want the people surviving me to find happiness. I would want my husband to remarry. It makes no sense to me for him to spend the rest of his life grieving over me when a chance to be happy comes along. I feel that way about anyone surviving me, I wouldn't want them to mourn for the rest of their lives. They could never completely forget about me, and frankly I don't want to think I could be forgotten, but I would want them to move on and find happiness. I believe we'll all be together again in the end anyway, so they should do their best to find happiness.

[RayKay]

Yes of course I would want them to remarry/find someone else just as I would if we broke up - people deserve to have someone else to share their lives with and to be a witness to their lives. Just because you were madly in love with your partner, does not mean you cannot love again.

 

I dated a man from the time I was 18 until I was almost 23. We probably would of been married when we were both a bit older, and we were the best of friends.

 

JUst before I turned 23, and two weeks before he turned 26 - he died suddenly of a massive cerebral hemorrhage, possibly a complication from medication for a previous illness, but no one knows for sure. We were together for almost 5 years, and no were not married, but we definitely could of been....at 22 years of old, would it really be fair for me to never find love again? To withhold myself from that?

 

I know he did not think I would of deserved to be alone forever! Love is one of the greatest things in life, as is having a partner - and that is something I know he knows very well that I deserve and should be able to have again.

 

I still love him, and always will - he is a big part of who I am today. However, I have loved since, and I will love again and I know that he wants that for me and as my angel will guide me in that direction.

 

If I died, I would want my partner to heal, and be open to love again, and to have another partner definitely. If I loved them, why would I want them to spend their live alone and without a partner? We all deserve that love, and emotional fulfillment that comes with having a partner.

 

And I have to agree with shes2smart on most of her points. I think there are actually a few "ones" in our lives, if it does not work out, the universe will place someone else in our path. If you get to hung up on the concept there is ONLY ONE "ONE" out there, then you will struggle for a long time to find happiness, despite the numerous wonderful people who come into your life - who is the one is not always apparent right away, or sometimes who is the one at one point, will not be forever as we have free will and people change, sometimes you fail to grow together and grow apart instead or are too different.

[drahcir]

I was really amazing at how selfless and giving most people were in saying they want thier partner to be happy even after they are gone!!! That really touched me.

 

For me, the reason I personally would hate to remarry if my future wife (or close girlfriend) died is that when two people are in love, they become one, and they are inseparable, even after death. I still feel a very strong emotional connection to people and animals I have known who have died, and I feel its wrong to replace them. I am lucky to have never had anyone really close to me die, but it will for sure happen one day.

 

I understand thats its possible to love many people, but when one chooses to be committed in marriage (or a marital like relationship) one becomes ONE and one can not be torn from each other, even after death. For me, I would never love my wife less after death than before it, and we would have a bond that is eternal and that can never be broken.

[xbox_modding_freak]

i pretty much agree with that but this is a tough one....Wanting to respect your dead partner or find lvoe elsewhere

 

 

I can't choose

 

 

Added: I guess it depends....If i died i'd want my partner to be happy but not to forget me....I'd much rather have my partner being happy than being sad and depressed

 

-XmF

[PAdreamer]

As morbid as this topic is, I think a lot of help would come from people TALKING to their spouses about this. So many people don't open up to love again because they don't know if that is what their first spouse would want. If you talk about it, then the question will be answered.

[SecondChance]

PADreamer is right on - everyone SHOULD talk about this with their spouses or partners. I know a hospital chaplain who spends a lot of time with people who are dying and their families, and this is one of his main tasks - helping people talk about this kind of stuff, so that people who go on living have peace about their loved one who has passed away.

 

I heard someone say once that if they died, they would want their spouse to remarry. However, when that spouse died, they would want him or her to be BURIED with them.

 

For the record, both me and my husband would expect that each other would remarry if we died. However, we have both said that we couldn't IMAGINE being married to someone else - because we've invested so much in each other and are so much a part of each other.

 

Here's the thing, Drahcir. Once your spouse dies, the nature of your relationship fundamentally changes. If your wife died, you would no longer have a relationship with your wife - you would have a relationship with the MEMORY of your wife. That means, that for the rest of your days, your most intimate relationship is with a MEMORY - she can't hold you, touch you, ask you about your day, pick up the groceries, drop the kids off at daycare. You two can't GROW together, CHANGE together, FIGHT and become different people together - because there is only ONE of you, not TWO. You will change and grow older, but she will remain the same in your memory. Kind of like an object... a doll... a photo... an image on a computer...because she can't relate to you in a truly RECIPROCAL way. Is that really the kind of relationship that you would be satisfied with if your wife passed away? And if you died, is that what you would want for your wife?

 

I understand your jealousy about another man being intimate with your wife. I think that's natural, normal, common. I think it's extremely difficult to imagine and accept that if we died, we would only exist in memory to the person closest to us.

 

Feel free to comment, Drahcir.

[shes2smart]

I still feel a very strong emotional connection to people and animals I have known who have died, and I feel its wrong to replace them.

 

I don't see moving on as "replacing" someone. Getting into a new relationship after a partner dies is just that -- a NEW relationship...not replacing the deceased.

 

After the death of a spouse/partner, you're not the same person, either. These are the types of events that tend to change us. So if we are different, and we are with a different person, it's a different relationship altogether. This does not diminish the deceased's role in your life or place in your heart, but we are capable of loving a large number of people very deeply in differing ways.

 

If you limit yourself to one type of love for one specific person, you are depriving yourself of loving and being loved in return from other sources. ("Love" being used as a verb in a non-sexual sense, just to clarify) No one can "replace" anyone else, but we can have a full range of experiences with many different people during the course of our lives.

[PAdreamer]

I agree. There is nothing wrong with starting a new relationship as long as you're not trying to replace or forget the love that you lost. It would never be the same, but it could be just as good in a different way. I can't say I EXPECT Aaron to remarry if I die. But I can say that if he met someone that he loved and they could be good to him, I would want that for him.

[Serendipity1607307077]

If my hubby and soulmate died, I know for certain that I would never remarry. I don't think I would ever want to committ to anyone ever again... I love him so much that I wouldn't be able to bear it if he died.

 

If it was reversed, I would expect him to grieve, but I would want him to get on with his life and make something of himself....