Question for the Guys...well anyone

[ansleynicole]

I sort of need a look inside the mind of a guy...I really would love to get back with my ex just like many people on this board. However, things with us are confusing. We are around each other at church services three times a week and do not hardly talk except for a short hey or bye. Nothing bad happened in our relationship and we both wanted to get married..he is divorced by the way.

Thing is...He knows that I still love him and that I ignore him because I still have feelings for him. I wished I didnt ignore him but I feel like maybe if I do it then I will escape getting hurt. I dont know how to talk to him anymore or how to be. I have no clue how he feels. We have been broken up for a while and he has not even tried or looked into dating anyone else.

I need advice on what I should be doing....will ignoring him make him think I have moved on and then maybe he would want to come back. If you are a guy and you still feel for a girl and she ignores you would you just ignore her back? I sometimes get the feeling he is ignoring me because I am doing it too him...I still catch him looking at me and a few weeks ago when I missed several church services he asked my little cousin where I was...seems like he is half way interested....

I just wonder how my ignoring him affects how he really thinks about me? There is no reason that we cant be friends but I dont see why we have so much trouble talking to each other unless maybe there are still feelings there on both our parts....any thoughts?

[hazlcha]

A superficial reading of your post tells me that you still love each other. For heaven's sake, you were ready to get married! If nothing bad happened in your relationship, other than you breaking up for a reason you don't tell us, then it' still alive, my friend. By the way, the fact that you didn't explain why you broke up says to me that it wasn't a very convincing reason.

 

Now to the point. I'd definitely bet that he's still available to you, and is probably waiting for you to make the first move. Again, that comes back to WHO made the break up, and what were the terms of it. Someone is going to have to stop this nonsensical ignoring game, while both of you may have great happiness in store.

 

I know that if I'm intereseted in an ex, and I don't hear from her, I'll give it a shot. But not too much, because I won't allow myself to be or seem desperate. He may just be protecting himself. You can gently start up a little talk, and see how he reacts. I vote for doing something!

[ansleynicole]

He broke up with me for a stupid reason. We had been dating four months and going really fast. We liked each other for a long time before we actually did get together and it took the guy forever to finally ask me out. When we first got together his little brother was diagnosed with cancer...I stuck with him the whole time. I was there for him to talk to and everything else.

My ex has been divorced from a woman who was not very good to him. I was supposed to eat over at his house one day after church and got mad at him because he wouldnt tell me if I should stay or not (I had strep the week before and didnt want to get his little brother sick). Well I overreacted and got mad and just let him out of the car and left. I went to church alone that night and would not sit with him. Well after that he was really mad. He wouldnt talk to me for a week and then dumped me saying that "if we start out like this it will always be like this"...something I think from the past with his ex and their situation. Now I have apologized and told him I made a mistake by leaving that day and would re-do it if I could and he wouldn't budge. It has been months and I still love him and honestly feels like he still loves me or otherwise he would at least still talk to me. The whole thing is confusing and I just dont understand why we could be so close and talk about everything, including the painful stuff with the ex, and now we are nothing.

I love him and try to understand and stand by him through anything he goes through and I doubt he will ever find another person who would stand by him like that. He had even told me one time that he would never find anyone who loved him as much as I did...so what is wrong with him?????

[hazlcha]

Well, now it makes a bit more sense. Having not been divorced (or married, for that matter) it's hard for me to say what he's thinking, but I would guess that he's a bit gun shy. Divorce, and a bad marriage can be sooo traumatic, that anything that seems to be reminiscent of those bad moments becomes extremely scary. He does not want or deserve to go down that road again, and if any of the signs look familiar, he's out of there. While it's not realistic to think there will never be disagreements, you need to be very sensitive at this point. Trust takes time, lots of it.

 

So that's what I'm hearing from your posts. The little insignificant fight, from your perspective, set off alarm bells in him. So I think you might, first of all, ask yourself honestly if you will really be different from his ex-wife inhow you treat him. I don't mean to imply anything, but simply to help you understand yourself. If you gain the understanding that you are what he truly needs and wants, then you can show him how you will be the healing of his nightmare, not a repeat of it.

[ansleynicole]

I totally agree with you. I have tried to prove to him in little ways beyond telling him with my mouth that I wouldn't ever do him like she did. He needs to understand that people do have disagreements and things dont have to end or it doesnt mean that it wont work out.

Personally I think he got scared. However, I am not sure how to get through his brain that I do love him and wont ever leave him. I told him that if I didnt love him I would of left the church because being there every week and being the way we are is the hardest thing in the world. It looks to me like he would realize that if I really didnt care about him and was going to run out on him like she did then I would of left church and never came back. I just dont know what to do with him or how to make him see I truly do want to be right beside him for always.

On the ignoring thing....how in the world do I get the nerve to talk to him. Ignoring him is easy because I dont get hurt however, now I feel like he is ignoring me back and I dont know why. It makes me think he does it because he hates me....however, there is no reason to really hate me...

Maybe the best thing for me to do is still give it time. I thought about just not going to church for a few weeks so that I am not around him and maybe he will realize how much he does think about me when I am gone...it is hard to stay away from church because it is a big part of my life...Like I always heard, abscene makes the heart grow fonder....

I just dont want to be around him sending off the wrong signal...I have told him how I feel in numerous letters since we broke up and he never answers any of my questions...in fact the last letter I wrote I asked him to tell me once and for all that there would be nothing between us so that I could let him go and move on and I got nothing....maybe he is not ready to say anything to me either way...gosh this is confusing....

[hazlcha]

I get your confusion. I don't know what to suggest. You seem to need clarity from him. If he hasn't answered your letters, that could mean he doesn't want to, or he doesn't quite know what to say, so he says nothing. You want to try to force him to open up by staying away from church? I just don't know ... is that really a good idea? I guess patience is the best idea. Don't disappear, but don't get desperate. Maybe just stop ignoring each other by saying hi and making light conversation for one minute at a time will break the ice.

 

Wish I could tell you the successful thing to do.

[chai714]

How is ignoring him going to get him back? Many people get the misconception that if you do NC with someone, they'll miss you and come back. While there is a slim chance that this could happen, it's not likely. If you want this guy back, you need more contact. Where has ignoring him got you thus far?

[ansleynicole]

I thought that maybe if I ignored him that I wouldnt seem desperate or like I was just sitting around waiting on him to come back either. I figured that if he thought he could have me whenever then he wouldnt do anything or give me an answer for anything. If he didnt have anymore interest then why cant he just say that. I dont like the ignoring thing because it is like playing a game and it is just mean but I dont want to fall all over him either or seem like I am just waiting by either.

I guess I just wanted to stay away from church because last time I did he seemed interested in where I was. I know he expects that I will be there every week and where he still sees me but I wonder what would happen if I am not there. Maybe it will make him think more about how he is being. I dont understand why we cant talk and be friends with one another. I actually dont know how to go about that if we were.

[popo]

ansleynicole,

 

i think ur ex acted so childish by ignoring u like this while u already had apologized. u dont have to act the same thing. u do what u have to do. dont make 'ur strategy for getting him back' prevent u doing ur normal activity. talk with him, if u feel ready to but dont bring up the relationship's prob. next, it's all up to him.

 

u'll be fine.