Abandoning love... leaving it to faith.

[WadeCure]

Hello everyone,

 

This could turn out quite long.

 

Well, for those who've been following my postings it's been a rough several months for me. It all culminated last night in which I... well, I was rock bottom. I really am not in liberty to talk about last night other than it was the worst pain I had ever felt. Fortunately, and praise God, I met a wonderful girl online on these very forums whom I have grown incredibly close to on a very personal level despite our living in different countries. So to Karina, thank you very much and I'm so blessed to having known you.

 

This will likely be my final post ever as far as healing. I have tried and tried and tried to heal and it's just been impossible. I have come to pretty much accept that maybe the wounds won't go away. Why is that? I guess my heart is too large, it's just too big. So maybe this wound will last forever. It's just something I will have to accept.

 

So what do I do now? Well I have been contemplating you know the usual, "whats wrong with me," schtick. I'll admit it, I am a "nice guy." I am a person who has very strong and very caring, loving feelings. I like to think of myself as not being a "wuss" but I am very loving to any girl that would ever be interested in me and I'm not afraid to admit that. You know, I come on this board a lot and I see lots of postings about hurt in their relationships and breaking up and so forth. It has always boggled my mind how something so seemingly simple can be so complex. I guess that comes as part of being a dating newbie. Okay, I'll be upfront. I'm an extremely shy introverted 22 years old male. Have only kissed two girls. Have only had 1 girlfriend and 2 "casual dates." I still don't know what I'm doing. I'm happy with who I am because this "nice guy" stuff is not an act, it's genuinely who I am, and I have kept true to myself despite continuously being dumped/rejected. I know the traditional "nice guy" is looked at as being very unconfident, but I like to think of myself as confident based on I've never changed and I like that I have a caring heart.

 

So why is my mind boggled? A relationship to me is an emotional affectionate best friendship. Sounds simple doesn't it? But everything is scrutinized. My last "casual date" broke my heart (this is the wound that I'm talking about), and then two months later when I wanted to talk, she not only broke my heart again but she broke it, stepped on it, shattered it, and spit on it by being very condescending, very blaming, very insulting to me. I have typed up the whole story in a Word Document if anyone wants to read it (e-mail or PM me and I'll send it.) But at this point it'll probably not do much good. Nonetheless, despite her now ignoring me after catching her in a lie and she caught me in a "truce" leaving ambivalence, I have now, unfortunately against the advice of eNotAloner's everywhere, grown a bit of animosity towards her. I don't think she had the right to trample my heart the way she did. The animosity is actually working to break my infatuation towards her. It makes me feel horrible to have animosity, but it's breaking my infatuation and it's helping me move on. I'm sure that she gets her rocks off knowing that I wasn't able to move on (she said to her friends numerous times "He can't accept it") The whole story can be found in the Word Doc and my previous postings.

 

So now, what's been going on. Well I seen a girl wearing a Cure shirt whom I thought was cute on campus. I actually had the nerve to talk to her, but I didn't ask her out. Now seeing as I'm EXTREMELY SHY I thought I did something huge by doing that, but no, my friends brought me down again and told me, "no thats not good enough." I haven't seen the girl since. I guess they were right. Also I had a crush on a girl and she went out on a date last Thursday night when I was getting ready to ask her out so that's out now, maybe. I told Karina I would ask her out tomorrow but given my emotional distress last night I figure now isn't the right time in case of rejection (I'd better be in decent emotional shape if that happens)

 

So, now I think it's just going to take a miracle. Will get to that in a moment but I have some concerns. Everyone that has ever met me has said I'm the sweetest guy they've ever met. Yet, yet now I have never have had a relationship. I thought, hmm maybe it's my physical attractiveness? Nope. Turns out some people here think I'm good looking. I thought, hmm maybe it's my interests? Nope. Turns out I have a wide variety of interests. I thought, hmm maybe it's my confidence? Nope. Turns out I'm very confident in who I am even though I'm really shy (shy people can probably attest that shyness isn't really a sign of no confidence). So what could it be? It must be... because I'm "too nice?" I read an article online about how most females prefer people who are bad because 1) challenge and 2) prefer being the "victim" instead of victimizing a nice guy. That they are scared of breaking a nice persons heart and prefer having their heart broken by a piece of crap. I can't remember where I saw it, but I saw it and of course that bleaked me out. Okay first off my heart is pretty strong and isn't broken easily, and if I'm wronged I'm very forgiving and understanding. Victim? I don't understand how relationships, which should be healthy and meaningful, at least to me anyway, is not. So I'm wondering if true love exists anymore. True love, to me, doesn't equal attraction. Sure, okay attraction can lead to love but attraction always fades. It can spark back from time to time but it almost always fades. So what's left? Companionship. Being best friends with your boyfriend/giflfriend. That, my friends, is true love. Those are the ones, my friends, that last forever.

 

I have seen so many people who date people who you'd think wouldn't be friends had they were not dating it's overwhelmingly amazing.

 

So I give up on the mainstream idea of love, which seems to be based solely on sex appeal and things that are disposable. I am just handing it over to God now. Maybe someday, I'll find someone who shares my idea of love, maybe it will happen soon, I may even be lucky enough to already know the girl and don't even realize it. But, it's all in God's hands now. My only questions now are... why is love so complicated? Why do most girls prefer being victims instead of victimizers which they victimize even worse the good natured guys? They say its low selfesteem why "nice guys finish last," but I have great selfesteem, so why do I finish last? Because most girls are intimidated by me? I don't understand it. I'm very very loving and caring. I'm very selfless but not a doormat. I mean... basically, what's wrong here?

 

Thank you,

WadeCure

[sasha12]

I have gone through similiar situations such as you, I too am a nice girl and sometimes I get taken advantage of by the opposite sex I just started looking at it as a live and learn situation we all make our fair share of mistakes and as the saying goes "Time will heal all wounds" I do believe that.