Just trying my best to deal with the uncertain situation

[SkyNet]

It's been exactly one month since she broke up with me, although it was not a straight break up to be honest. We had a small conflict, few days of LC and then some day of NC at all. This lasted for 6 days and on day 6 I had no idea what's going on and I txted her "should I bring you your stuff back" and she replied "so that's it, you're breaking up with me? thanks". From there on we exchanged some angry emotional filled texts. I called her later in the day and she just bursted in tears and said she can't talk right now. I let her be that day, but the next day sent her a text to get on gmail and we talked, mostly accusing each other of the things we did wrong. Again, nothing major, just a few smaller conflicts. I contacted her again the next day and told her if we can meet each other, she found a bad excuse (getting late, she has to go to work in the morning...it was only 8pm), but after a few texts we meet up very late at night and had sex. She was emotional and passion was in the air. When I left her of we kissed and she told me "you'll see everything is gonna turned out just fine and smiled". To me this meant "we'll go back together" or "you'll see we'll both realise this is for the best".

 

In the next days things were still kinda "ok", but I didn't bug her to meet up and she didn't as well, we txted each other again mostly accusing and blaming each other for some things, but we didn't fight. We also wished each other good night and good morning. The weekend came and there was a musical festival we both planned to go see. I said I'm probably not going, because I wanted to go as a couple not just friends, but I did ask her that if I decided to go if we could go together. She said sure! Friday came, festival began, and she txted me that she and her good friend (girl) were basically outside my house (since I live very near where the festival was taking place. I just said have a good time and enjoy. That was the last time she tried to reach to me in any way. At least I understood it that way. I didn't go to the festival, except on friday for an hour or so, but I didn't text her I'm about to go. I met with my friends and left after 2 hours. Next day we txted each other and I told her I went there, she was slightly angry and told me I could of texted her and we could go for a beer. Looking back at this now it was a BIG mistake from my part. But I just couldn't act as a friend back then.

So monday came, festival ended and I asked to come over, she didn't mind. We went for a long walk and talked about us, she told me she is actually happy now, calm and she's not stressed anymore. That was a big shock to me, I also tried to get close to her (hug her, kiss her), but she gave the impression she's not up for it and she also said that to me. I don't know what happened in me I just held her face, closed her real lovingly and told her "I love you" and walked away. After a few steps she asked "what's this, why are you going?". I can be a very stubborn person but I stopped, looked back and thought to myself...maybe she still cares for me and she's not letting me go just like that. I waited for her to catch up and we talked as before. The same topic arose about her being happy and calm now and I couldn't listen to this as just over a week ago she held me tight against her and told me just how much she loves me and that she doesn't want to be without me! Something broke in me, i picked up a stick on the ground, broke it and threw it away and yelled at her "you never loved me!" and she started yelling back "me? that I never loved you?" very surprisingly. She got angry, we said some things I can't even remember but I remember telling her "it's like you took my heart now and you're just squeezing it and beating it up. And then I actually told her "**** you". That was it, she rushed back home, but fortunately we were far away and while walking we managed to calm down a bit and I told her to sit and talk. I told her I'm sorry for reacting like that, but I do not understand her behaviour and words, from I love you, don't want to be without you to this. We went back to her house and talked normally, I went to my car, she followed and looked at me in a way I thought she wanted me to hug her. But I didn't dare, because of the fight earlier.

That's the beginning of the downfall, we chatted occasionally after that (I started the chat most of the times) and two days later she told me after some convincing that she went for a drink with a guy she meet just a few days before we broke up. And she also said they were hanging around at that festival (not doing anything emotional or things of that nature, just being together as a group). I was devastated, my heart hurt like hell and I couldn't sleep all night after that. I started going around seeing my friends and seeking comfort and it felt good just talking. But it still hurt like hell. Occasionally we talked, I txted her if she wanted to go somewhere (cycling, walking, drink...) and she had excuses or just said no. Then after 3,4 days she said "I'll tell you myself when I'll want to meet up". I could not understand that, she started to distance herself from me. Then the next tuesday (6 days after she told me she went for a drink with that guy) I just decided to go to her house. She was alone with her younger sister...I walked to her room and she was still in bed. I said hi and brought her favorite candy bar and magazine. I could see she was not particularly happy to see me, but she wasn't annoyed either. I just wanted to talk normally, not about us. But she lead the conversation about us, and we talked in a normal tone. In the conversation she also said "I still love you". Then she offered me breakfast, and I stepped on a weight and was quite surprised, I lost 4-5kgs. She was surprised as well and told me to eat more. I decided to leave, she was real nice and told me I should start eating more. I told her I will.

Later in the day she started chatting with me and told me she feels guilty for me, and that her friend (that girl friend from before-festival) said she's not that ok with my ex seeing that guy (or him seeing her). She told me she was confused, doesn't know who to listen anymore and what to do. I told her she should listen to herself and do what she thinks is right. And that I wont push her anymore I'll give her time. I broke my promise texting her "good night" that night. She didn't reply, but I got a good morning text the next day. We exchanged few texts and that was it. Nothing until thursday when I wanted to see her again and I texted her "are you at home", she was away and on her way home, she asked why am I interested I replied "I want to come over", again she replied "why", I said "I want to talk", she replies "talk about what? this is just making me nervous", I replied "to talk about us", she replies "what exactly do I want to talk to", on that point I didn't know what to reply but I didn't have to she was calling me. I picked up in fear and she sounded somewhat angry, saying she had a though day and she doesn't want to talk, that we said what we had to say already. I tried to let her know we can work this out and that I know I did some things wrong, we both did, but I believe we can work this out. She said "you see, but I don't know if I believe the same". I told her to remember the good times we had and sometimes she took a deep breath and there were moments of silence like she realised that. But she still went on about the things that were wrong. Then she had to go, and we ended up the conversation.

Then I realised she was just talking about my mistakes, not hers and I decided to ignore her for a while. On sunday I sent her text if about a race she usually watches. We exchanged some text and that was it. Then on monday she started chatting with me, nothing big, just general stuff. A real nice, normal talk for a change! I was very happy. Later that day I saw her online and decided to start chatting (going for the theory, you did before, now it's my turn). It was a short chat, almost boring. Even later at 8pm I saw she was online again, thought she would start now, but she didn't so I got the ball rolling. Saying I'm outside cycling (I was on my mobile chat) and eventually asked her if she'd like to go with me, she said it was getting late (ok that is true), I aske her how about a walk then and she just said "no". I stopped asking and we were talking normal stuff, I even cycled back home and started chatting on my computer. We chatted until midnight, and eventually started talking about us, some intimate stuff, I told her I miss her physically too, we relived some intimate moments and what I liked about her and so on...but then I realised only I am giving her the compliments! She went away for a brief time and when she got back she asked me "are you turned off now?" I didn't know what to say and she said "think about it while I'm in the shower". I thought she was turned on as well as I am and that we could maybe go on the same road as a few days after break up, when we met in the middle of the night and got passionate That was not the case, she told me she was not particularly turned on. That was a downer for me and I realised she's probably just using me to get her self-esteem up. We talked about our expectations in relationship and so on and we called it a night, said good night to each other and that was it.

The next day (tuesday) we were both online again and after a while she started chatting with me and said "hey, just to let you hi". Looked a bit odd to me but ok. She was asking me what was is doing during the weekend and where do I go swimming (we live near a river). I told her, but not in great details. Then out of the blue, withouth me even asking she just said "oh I don't even remember where I was on saturday", ok that was really odd and I told her "you weren't drunk the whole day, how can't you remember?" she said "ofcourse I wasn't", I said "that was just 3 days ago, how can't you remember?", but she didn't answer. She then told me she went swimming near where I live (she never does that, she loves her place near her, and she's allways there!). A bell rang in my head and I knew what was going on. That new friend of her (she went out for drink and started hanging out with, not alone as far as I heard, always in company of other friends) has a trailer in a camping site nearby. She's playing with me or she wants me to be jealous. I told her once before I do not think this is appropriate company for her, ok it is company but this guy likes her and he's into her.

I said I'll start NC with her from now on. But the next day (wednesday) I went cycling, down to the river and coming out of the camp site I saw him driving by. I thought "just my luck" and carried on. Then after few hundredth meters I saw her aunt's car and it was full of people. I didn't know if she was in it or not. But I thought to myself...what if she's dropping her of here and my ex is on her way to his place. I turned around and sure enough saw a figure walking towards the camp. I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't yet see if it was really her. Ok, sure enough by know you all know that it was her. I was on my phone talking to my mom the whole time. I thought of ending the call to talk to my ex. She turned back, saw me, stepped aside and stopped. Looked at me just soo very nice and I could swear she was happy to see me. She appeared like she was expecting me to stop. I just nodded and can't even remember if I said "hi" back and I just drove by. I was so f'ing angry at that point! Not just angry, but mad! I know where she was heading and her other friends were there too (judging by the car), but I have no idea if she was about to hang out with only him or the bunch. I didn't even want to know.

 

Since then I've been feeling some anger, disappointment, but I still have strong feelings for her and I still don't know what's going on. Is she just hanging out, are they together, does she even want to be together with him after not even a month of breaking up with me?

I had a word with her friend (that girl friends, she's also my friend, but we don't hang out that much). I asked her more than a week ago if they have something in between them, she said "I asked her and she said no, she doesn't want anything and that it's too soon". Last sunday I asked her the same and she said something similar "not that I would know of". My ex also told me she had no intention of being with him, that they seem a good hangout bunch and that she doesn't even know him that well (that was when she went for a drink with him).

 

Now I have no idea what to do. I saw her online since wednesday but didn't click her and she didn't click me. I stay around for a while and if she doesn't do anything I go offline. I wanted to call her yesteday or text her or click her, but I said "no" to myself. I do thing my reaction was too cold, and I should smile and say hi, when I met her that day. And I have a feeling she is angry with me right now because of that.

Bottom line is we were great together, she really loved me deeply (showed me, by doing stuff for me) I really loved her and I still do! She's a very intelligent, proud, smart and sometimes stubborn person. She's not a kind of person that would go crawling back to anyone. That's why I think the NC won't really work 100%. I am thinking of LC, but I am affraid to make the first contact now. I will probably appear weak. I got my life slowly back together, I do not feel as bad as before, the physical pain has gone away, but the psychological still remains. I want to get her back, I know I can't rush things even if I get that chance, I'm just trying to thing what to do and what not to do. I am just affraid I already f'ed things up real bad.

 

Another thing is that she's posting some songs lately on her google+ profile. Something she rarely did before. He's not on google+ so I thought she's trying to say something with them. At first they were some general songs, but in the last week there are some whose lyrics talk about "being together, waiting, and so on...". I know she's posting them for some reason, but I have no clue what could that mean. That could mean she wants to be with him now and she just has to wait, or that she wants to be with me and just want to wait and perhaps clear her head. I'm so confused!

 

Sorry for the really long post, but I had to get that out and I'd like to understand what's going on and most importantly how can I get her back...

[SkyNet]

Today is a concert we both agreed on going to while we were still together...I'd like to ask her if she's going. Should I? Or should I stay loyal to NC rule...