Time to face the music

[JT]

Its been about 6 months since my ex and I had our nasty breakup. Friends, which were my friends first were involved. I chose to run from everything for the last six months, just to clear my own head, I never spoke to her (her last words were she hates me), and rarely spoke with the friends. I never told the friends what was going on either. There's a camping trip coming up in which case she might be there. I think I am ready to make a stand. I need closure with the friends, not with her. Either the friends will want to be my friend or they won't. I can't go guessing anylonger I need to have an answer. I have come a long way since the breakup and done much to improve myself. I am seeing a new girl now. I dont know if i should invite her along with me or not? I may get upset if she tries to upset me but I guess I should just ignore everything she says. I think she got a kick out of taking my friends from me.. what do you guys think?

[MattTheStudent]

Is there any way that both of you can be friends with the same friends? I am kinda going through the same thing right now, but my friends are all far away so that makes it easier to maintain the relationships with them. I would definitely not suggest bringing the new girl along- it will spoil the good time you might have if your ex freaks out and you get in a big fight, or if she just is a b**** to your new love. Good luck and be strong my friend.

[DBL]

I know what your saying on this one. Girls aways seem to grab the friends. I dated this wench once for like 6 months. Friends that I had for years that she just met turned their backs on me. They all probably aren't really your friends anyway, we are lucky if we make one good friend our whole lives. Unless your going to wait for everyone to fall asleep and then drag their tents into the woods, I wouldn't even bother with them. Seems like you already have your life heading back on track. Why look back now?

 

DBL

[JT]

Well the thing is a lot of the friends were friends I've had for a long time, I'm 28 and my one friend I have known since age 4. He's married, has a child, his sister is engaged to my friend and his sister is friends with the ex. They have done a lot together and not invited me on any trips or anything, so I have'nt invited them either. I guess I was trying to punish them for what they did to me by not being around. I had time away to think about things and now I'm ready to see if they want to continue the friendship or not. I kind of ran from it, but some of these people are life long friends you see ? I need to know if they are interested in friendship or not. Then I can have closure. There some other events as well, I am going to be asking whats going on.. and then tell them "i'd like to come along." So I want to see where their loyalty lies.. and if they have moved on from me, then thats all the closure I need.

 

I think my ex gets a kick out of the fact they chose her in a sense over me... what do you guys think about that?

[DBL]

I think she does get a kick out of taking your friends. If your friends weren't there when you needed them then why bother. Seems to me they do not have no respect for you. If they weren't there for you before why do you think they would be there for you later. Any friend that I did attempt to staighten out with, never worked again anyway. I had one friend since I moved to my old nieghborhood when I was 3. I took his back every time he got in trouble, I raised his kids for a couple of years because he was drunk. One day he invites me to his house, when I get there I find out I got set up to be jumped. It doesn't matter how long you think you were friends for, friends are only one step away from being your enemy. 2 of my better friends actually started off as enemies. There are two types of friends, friends that screwed you and friends that will screw you.

 

DBL

[JT]

Even if I chose to run away from them, not tell them why I was doing it after they have made several attempts to reconcile ? I understand them not wanting to get involved in the breakup you see... but thats where it gets difficult. Should they have been there for me instead of her ?

[DBL]

I'm not sure if my reading comp is all that good. A friend should be there for you no matter what. If my friends go through a break up I call them up several times a week, stop by a couple of days a week just to make sure they are ok.

 

I may be too bias on this subject to maybe give you a good answer. Maybe someone less bias will provide you with a better insight.

 

DBL

[cassiana]

This is a hard one to call on the information given.

Did you treat your ex so badly that it disgusted your friends? I mean a friend should stick by you but I dont think no matter what. If you do something terrible and show yourself up to be scum why should good people stick by you.

Or did you run away from them before they had a chance to absorb the situation so they never got a chance to decide?

or did you put them in the horrible position of picking between the two of you? Thats very unfair. By dfoing that you are forcing them to dump one friend over the other. What is worse in that situation is if the couple reconcile the friends again come out badly. Think of it from the friends point of view. Friends should be allowed remain friends with both sides which would mean separate trips if you and your ex are tense. You shouldn't punish them for that.

Or did youor ex maliciously turn them against you. In that case they arent great friends if they have known you so long and are so easily swayed.

 

Do not take your new girlfriend on this trip. If you are to blame for the mess she will see it and if your ex is able to turn people against you why risk it.

[dukhi]

hi JT,

 

I am going through a similiar situation but I am in the position as your girlfriend. When my ex and I broke up. I talked to our common friends about it and never said one word bad about him even defended him sometime. But my friends were the ones who were telling me that he treated me bad. They stopped being as friendly to him as before. But I had no play in this they decided on their own.

 

One cannot influence the way their friends behave.

 

our common friends also tried to talk to my ex about what went wrong in the relationship to which my ex replied very rudely and refused to say anything which pissed off our common friends.

 

so whatever happened it might not be your ex's fault.

You should talk to her and try to sort out the misunderstandings.

 

Do you expect her to say good things about her after you broke up with her. Dont you see how the people on this forum suffer after being dumped.

 

My ex too has become totally aloof from us and doent come to our common parties and I feel totally sad about it.

He hates me and thinks I am spreading bad things about him

I miss him still!

[savannahohsavannah]

JT this is a classic Ross and Rachel friends episode where they've just broken up and all want to go skiing but don't go together because they don't want to be around each other and everyone is afraid to take sides.

Then the car breaks down and Ross has to drive hours to the middle of nowhere to save the day. Remember that episode? Well, in real life it's often just as uncomfortable or more so than on TV. I'd say it's going to be difficult because you have kept away from people for six months. That might make them wonder what on earth was going on, and if your ex has bashed you to them, they may have taken sides. But you should go and be sociable with the people whom you liked and see what happens. It could be awkward at first, but you simply have to test the waters and see what is up. Of course, if you did not have any special friends among these people except your ex I'd write them off. If they were her friends they'll probably stay that way.

Just my .02 cents.

[JT]

It was a sheisty breakup and I do regret doing some things wrong. Some of the friends were pissed at me yes, others were not, but it must have been difficult to choose for them at first. I guess when I dissappeared the choice became more obvious. I look at it like i had to do what I had to do to get away from everything so I could move on. I could'nt be around them knowing that my ex hung out with them and stuff. Its like quitting drugs.. you have to change people places and things.. so thats what I did. I guess I never communicated that to them so they were free to draw their own conclusions. I've emailed a friend in the group and told him I wanted to hang out, so we'll see how that progresses. If he makes an effort other than me DOING SOMETHING FOR HIM then I'm down for that. See last time I hung out we went out for dinner and then they went out with her later on so that kinda pissed me off. I just feel so betrayed. I never told them how I felt you see ?? Thats whats eating me up inside.. its not knowing. I never confronted them because I did'nt want to seem weak?

 

Do you think that me confronting them about this will make me seem weak in their eyes? That is what I have been trying to avoid this entire time.

 

JT

[dukhi]

Hi Jt

 

I can tell you from the way our common friends treat my ex bf.

They were upset with him because he did not trust them enough to share his feelings with them. it has nothing to do with his been weak. They saw how I suffered after the break up since I was talking and sharing all my hurt. And my ex always eluded that subject even was rude to one of our friends.

So they thought my ex was mean guy! I always defended him and l love him in spite of whatever our friends saybecause I know he is not a mean person. I understand why he broke up.

But every time I tried to defend him I think things went worse. And my friends also started getting mad at me, so I stopped.

 

believe me I want to talk to him real bad

I have a question for you.

Since you are behaving in the same manner as my ex,

How will you feel if your ex comes up to you and says that she wants to be friends again, only friends?

[JT]

Friends would be fine with me. I offered her this when we broke up but she said "we were'nt friends before we were in teh relatonship..so why now" I took this as an insult. Right now I'm just mad about the friends thing so I'm seeking closure on that issue. I dont necessarily want to be friends with her again. I just want to know if my friends are still interested in being "my friends." If its blatent that they've chosen her and do not wish to continue with me, then I need to know that. I cannot speculate any longer.

[dukhi]

I think you should just start behaving with your friends normally as you did before. Don't ask them if they want to be friends? Never give the power in other persons hand not even a friends.

Just go to the parties hang out with them. when you act normal they will too!

If they dont you will know that they dont like you.

So all the best!!!!!

[cassiana]

You justify cutting off all your friends as it being like quitting drugs. I dont agree with that analogy. I think maybe you were running away because you did some things that you didnt want to face up to. If you push people away how can you expect them to be your friends when you decide you want them back again. Try and see it from their point of view. I believe that if a friend flakes out during a crisis they are not a friend, merely a flake.