what is "chemistry"?

[crizlee]

why is it so damn hard to find someone that i connect with? i meet girls all the time who would be perfect for me, but i cant seem to find myself feeling comfy with them in kind of way. chemistry is very weird. why cant we just breed like animals do? i wish there wasnt such a thing as feelings and emotions and this "chemistry" thing. i need advice please.

[aireyc]

Hey criz,

 

You're still 17. You have a long ways to go. Yeah, you may find that some ladies have what you want, but there are going to be millions out there like that. Give it some time, join some clubs with girls that have your interests, and just have fun. Being single isn't always that bad. There really isn't anything you can do though to boost yourself other than be happy and have confidence in yourself. The rest, including chemistry, will follow.

 

Chris

[crizlee]

would chemistry be physical attraction?

[aireyc]

Not really, chemistry is more how you get along with someone. You may have interests that are similar, but I think you hit the nail on the head before when you said you weren't comfortable around them. If you have chemistry everything seems right, you think alike, you do the same things. You're comfortable around the other person and it feels like you've known them your entire life, even if it's the first time you've seen them.

 

Now regarding confidence, if you're confident in yourself you're more likely to be comfortable around others and they in return will be more comfortable around you.

 

Chris

[mahlina]

There's also a scientific explaination to it as well. I think that chemistry has a lot to do with a combination of things, mostly influenced by our hormones. For instance, when meeting someone that you might have interest in, it's those pheremones that really trigger a cascade of emotions that causes you to feel as though you guys just 'click.' Honestly, looking back at my relationship with my recent ex, I seriously don't know what made me fall for him in the first place. On a regular day-to-day basis, I don't think that I would've felt that same exact 'chemistry' with him. But it was just that perfect moment in time, in which everything seemed to fall into place at the right time. It takes a lot for me to actually truly like a guy. But with him, it was almost instant.

 

thereforeeee, I highly think that pheromones determine whether or not that chemistry will ignite that bond between two people. Of course, there are also other things to consider such as sharing common values, interests, etc. But it's that powerful & unexplainable physiological affect that's hard to describe. The feeling of sharing true chemistry with a person doesn't happen all of the time. When it does, it's this unique and perfect balance of our hormones/emotions that work in sync with each other at the right time...

[Empathy]

Well, Mahlina. You said exactly what I was going to say.lol. Thanks. It kept me from having to type so much.

[Lily04]

Wow, that's awesome, thanks so much mahlina!! I felt such an initial chemistry between my boyfriend & I that when I heard he was moving to another country in a few months I just *had* to ask him out because I wasn't sure if he was 'the one' or not, even though we only talked a few times prior. And now we are deeply in love. I felt the same about another person as well, although since he was already taken, it caused a lot of friction between us. It's interesting to see that there may be a chemical reason for it..I definitely think there is some psychological/sociological reason in any case. If I ever decide to go into psychology I'll probably decide to do research on this actually

 

thx,

 

lily

[Lily04]

Also -- is it possible for one person to feel 'chemistry' but not the other? Or is it always mutual, like a bond? The case in point I'm thinking of is that I really liked this one guy. After I met him I felt like I knew him forever..at least I thought we 'clicked' really well..but then I found out he had a girlfriend & as a result things were a bit awkward between us, and he tried to distance himself from me. I thought it was because he realized this attraction between us, but maybe it was just that he never actually felt that initial attraction in the same way I did? If there's a scientific explanation between this as well (or even not) then that'd be cool.

[drahcir]

I don't like the word "chemistry" because it makes its sound that love is just is a creation of chemicals and different things in our brain and body. Love is so much more than that. Its something that goes beyond reason and sex. Only humans pair up for non sexual reasons. Its beyond breeding...its about adoration of someone, appreciation of someone, dreaming together, being one together.....love is much more than what some evolutionary biologists try to make it out to be. We are not just breeding animals....we are lovers, we are huggers, we care for each other, we protect each other.......chemistry is not true love. When you find true love you will know, but sometimes its worth waiting for.

[Lily04]

I agree that there is a difference between 'chemistry' and 'love' -- I do not think they are equatable at all. But I do think that 'chemistry' is involved in initial attraction - perhaps leading to lust. Love is much more complex..I think of chemistry as an initial spark when you meet someone. Love is not that because it assumes a much deeper connection, based on trust & affection that cannot gained when you first meet someone. I think that love can develop as a result of initial chemistry among other things, however.

[drahcir]

This is the list of 7 things that make me attracted to a girl:

 

1. Similar values, similar attitudes, similar ambitions in life.

2. Someone who adore me with all her heart, and who will be forever faithful to me.

3. Someone happy, who thinks positively

4. Someone who is caring and not a gossip

5. Someone who is romantic

6. Someone who is responsible and mature

7. Someone humble but confident.

 

Looks never attract me. But everyone is different. I am still having to learn not to so egocentric in assuming that everyone is just like me. Its different for different people

[mahlina]

Oh I know what you mean too Lily! I honestly think that once a person likes someone, that unspoken bond that they have will always be there. Maybe not as strong. I think that it's mainly because people have unresolved feelings. They didn't actually have the chance to get a taste of who that person's really like. So thoughts about that person still lingers. I see a few posts on eNotalone about how people tend to not forget about their crushes, so that's what leads me to believe that the chemistry will still be there, but not as much. It all has to do with timing. People end up with other partners. They grow apart. In the end, they fall in love with their other partners even more. There's also things like reuniting with an old flame, when people are old and retired, and their spoues are long gone. I've seen stories like this. I truly think that if two people are meant to be, then things will happen naturally.

 

About mutual attraction, it's probably a combination of meeting the right match, and fate allowing them to meet at the 'right' time. I've seen couples who are truly madly deeply in love with each other. You know how the saying goes, relationships aren't always equal, where one partner loves more than the other? Where I used to work at, I worked with 2 old couples who were still walking around holding hands with each other. They looked like two young teenagers falling in love all over again, but they were in their 80s, and had close to 60 years of marriage! It was really neat how their chemistry was so strong. It didn't appear like they had an imbalance of attraction. So I think that it's possible to share that mutual chemistry. They were just lucky enough to have found each other as their 'true' soulmates.

 

This topic is truly an intriguing subject. You'll have so much fun doing a research on it in your studies. O There are so many things that go unexplained in this universe. Love is just one of the mysteries of life.

[mahlina]

Lily, about the biological explainations about love. I think that it's a combination of actually physically being around our partners that also builds on that bond. Oxytocin, the hormone of love, actually explains why some women grow an attachment to loving their partners. It's the same hormone that's triggered during bonding, such as hugging, kissing, pecking, and of course, sex. Even when we're not physically around our partners, we tend to think about them. It's the memories that trigger our bodies to release oxytocin. thereforeeee, I truly believe that's one of the reasons why some women have a tough time getting over breakups. It takes a while for the oxytocin to wear off.

 

Here's a site to that will help you to get started on ideas for your research. link removed I used her as one of my references for an essay in one of my gen. ed. classes. Very interesting topic!

[drahcir]

Hormones and biochemicals definitely have a role in creating love. But for idealistic philosophical reasons I hate reducing human love to just chemicals. Like, what explains one person who is very attractive loving someone completely unattractive? Why are some people straight, and some people gay?--Why do we love the people we do? I keep thinking about girls I have loved and why I loved them...some were attractive, some not, some of different races, different ages, different personalities, some were nice and some not....i don't know why i loved them. It wasn't chemicals...but why, I don't know. In ancient times people believed that the stars (astrology) created love between 2 people. OThers believed God did it...thats why at weddings, they say "what God has joined, let man (or woman) not separate..."..........i mean there has to be more than a chemical explanation for love.....i mean NO ones goes around saying hey i have strong feelings of oxytocin for you today. Do you have some feelings of oxytocin for me too...if you do, that increases my oxytocin level even more.....no love is more and more and more idealistic and heavenly and wonderfullll

[mahlina]

I'm not saying that harmones are the sole answers to this equation. Of course love goes beyond scientific reasoning. But we can't rule it out completely. Harmones are just a part of it. Our actions and how much effort we put into a relationship will determine the potential outcome of love. If there's scientific evidence to back up an argument, then I think that it's something worth thinking about! It's always good to keep an "open mind" to different explainations, and not just rule out everything else as unacceptable, just because we do not believe it is true. I personally enjoy keeping an open-mind to different possibilities and different explainations. That's why I also think that meeting the right person has a lot to do with fate, in which science cannot explain either.