Anyone else go through this "Circle of thoughts"?

[sonicfan287]

Ive noticed many trends of myself during this breakup (and the 2 other ones based on the same girl, although this one has been by far the worst). Most of them are cliche'd but this one is VERY specific or at least has been. Usually by this point in the past, Id either be over the girl or well on my way to be (its been 3 months since this breakup but at the same time, if you add up our other times seperated, we've been broken up about 8 months out of the 2 years we've known each other) but now I almost feel like I "get over her" only to get back into her, if that makes sense (and wow, what a terrible choice of words on my part... oh well lol)

 

To explain though, Ive been STUCK for the past month or more thinking of this "future conversation". Basically, we meet somewhere, sit down and just talk, its not even about the relationship per se... but thats just it. Thats when this circle of thoughts begins. If we're not talking about the relationship, what are we talking about and why? And in my head, the words I say to her always go like this..

 

"I dont want to get back together BUT..."

 

and thats when it gets weird.

 

Basically, when I get to this point where I feel like Im over her is when I can say "I dont want her back" which essentially Im saying but then there is still some unfinished business because I still want to talk. So during this time (usually a few days) where Im settled with the fact that I dont want her back but I still want to talk to her, Im convinced I just want to be friends, or something to that effect. So for those few days Im fine but of course I dwell on it and think more... if I dont want her back, then why am I still talking to her? To be friends? Why? I shouldnt want to be friends with someone who was never there for me in my darkest times, especially as I lay on a hospital bed and she was nowhere to be seen? So then I say "I dont want to be friends BUT" I can never get past the BUT... theres always something else.

 

So basically, it ends up like this at some point... I dont want her back, I dont want her as a friend but I still want to talk to her because she cut me off so harshly at the end of things and gave me no time to defend myself, plus the fact that Ive worked on myself for 2+ months with a lot to show for it that she'll never give me credit for since she never sees me makes me angrier, but then... if I care about what she thinks still... Im obviously not over her... so here we are again... in the same place. Not over her.

 

Its really weird.

 

But to summarize that (because it was VERY confusing even in my head)

 

I dont want her back BUT - I want her as a friend

 

On second thought

 

I dont want her as a friend either BUT I want to seek her validation so that she'll see breaking up with me was a mistake, and if it was a mistake, then she'll want to undo her mistake and get back together, but I thought I didnt want her back? ... See my struggle?

[Fraggle]

I'd think it was more the second thought than the first SF, but maybe I'm wrong....

 

That is how my mind would work and process things... or certainly is how its functioning right now

 

Also her saying it was a mistake to break up with you would greatly help the battered ego and the wounds of the relationship too... Ruminating and not be able to work them out is never much fun and can be harmful, I hope it isn't causing you pain

[Tom1990]

Ach. My circle of thoughts is, I know exactly why we broke up, and not only that, but I'm fine with it. Now I can be a good friend to her like we were before. But she doesn't want that because in asking why we broke up, I disrespected her boundaries.

 

But now that I can be her friend again, I can start to respect her boundaries.

 

TOO LATE NOW!

 

Ugh.

[sonicfan287]

I hear ya... and yeah, Fraggle, I do get confused and hurt often, especially as I learn more about myself during this time apart and see that a lot of the qualities I thought I was lacking to have a good relationship were actually there all along... sometimes all you need is a break but too bad she's moved on... makes it hard to focus on moving forward like I should.

 

And Tom1990, I also can relate... I ruined things with my first ex (from 2006) who was a great friend of mine before we dated but now we never even talk and after the breakup and my own insanity at the time, she lost a lot of respect for me (although she was also a lousy girlfriend so I wasnt too pleased either) and yeah... I know. I still want things to be "okay" with my ex, even if we never get back, but I feel like she's just blatantly shut me out of her life for good, and I have no clue why... (well I mean, the begging didn't help but still, how can someone be this cold?)

[northpickle]

Hey there!

 

I can relate to what you describe as your "circle of thoughts" very well. I'm now 9 months after breaking up with my ex (and in complete NC for 6 months) and to all intents and purposes I am healed. I'm happy and in a very fantastic and loving new relationship. I don't miss my ex, want to be with him again, absolutely nothing like that, and haven't for a very long time...

 

BUT...

 

Like you, I'm still a bit bugged about the way he cut me off 3 months after splitting up. It was actually a good thing for me in the end but it was very painful, but I respected his wishes. I will perhaps never know whether he ended things with me because he met someone new or whether he started dating her shortly after we split up. A large part of me doesn't really care now! But a little part of me still can't believe what happened. I know now though, he didn't cut me off because of anything that I had done, it was for his own reasons. He was putting himself (and his new relationship!) first.

 

With time comes more clarity though. I rarely think about it at all now, and it's more in a philosophical way, no pain remains. Just a slight confusion, and the realisation that I didn't know that man as well as I thought I did.

 

With regards to your "future conversation" - I can understand that too. I had exactly the same cycle of thoughts in the first few months after breaking up. But, to be honest, how I feel now, I don't think I want to see him again. I'm surprised I haven't actually, we live so close and have many mutual friends, like the same places etc...but I'll have to cross that bridge if I come to it!

 

I'm sure in time your thoughts will calm themselves down. You will slowly go from thinking about the "what - ifs" and "what would I says" to not thinking about it all

 

Actually, your last paragraph in your first post makes me think you are in an important place in your healing, I remember being there myself. You don't want her back as your girlfriend, but you've been left hurt by what you see as her "cold" treatment of you, when you feel you don't deserve it. Once you start to get your head around the fact that she cut you off for her own purposes, and not as a reflection of your actions, then you will really start to feel better. I promise you!

 

Best wishes.