Always at the wrong time!~ GUYS AND GIRL POV needed!

[Ated]

I've been trying to heal for 5 months now. My ex broke up with me because i was 'mothery'. Being replaced by a new gf after 15 months of r'ship is not pleasant. Nevertheless i was fine.

 

1st mnth was spent on begging even after the rubbish he put me through i had the decency to 'beg' for his friendship. Since this drove him away further and made him mistreat me even longer, i did NC on the 2nd month and was heading in the right direction. With my luck, on the thirst month i run into him! How convinient! I heard that he had a new gf and it hurt to hear but now... after 5 motnhs he actually called me! after 5 motnhs! Every single day for the last 5 months i think of him. Less and less everyday and i dont cry over him as much, but today... he called and he said he wants to be 'friends'?

 

What am i to do? Be the 'nice girl' that he knows me as... and be a doormat agian? Or just ignore the calls and act busy? or Tell him what ive been dying to tell him then tell him that we cannot be firends but we can be acquaintances.

 

I mean, he went through the trouble of getting a new gf, why out of 5 motnsh he calls now and acts like nothing has happened?!

[antzca2000]

Do you really not know the answer? No one on this forum works magic and if someone tells you to accept him again, theyd be bsing you. No matter what anyone says, if he doesnt have the decensy to be nice when you guys broke up the first time, hes not gonna have to decensy the second time.

Forget about this man, he's abusive and has no respect for you.

[Ated]

Ok so he asked me to call prank him tongiht but i dindt. Im assuming i did the right thing. I knwo i wouldnt get back with this guy. I deserve better. However, i sometimes just wanna get back at him for what hes done to me! is that bad??

 

I mean, ive been crying for 5 motnhs and he just replaced me... Now that he's calling me, i feel like hes gonna use me as a backup or realising that i was a 'rare gem', i wanna take this oppurtunity as i have power atm. Do u think i should play him bak? Or what? Just not pick up his call ? i dunno!

[CarterJonas]

I would keep my distance from this guy, especially if he has a new girlfriend. You will never heal if he is around. If he wants to get back together then it is different, but if he only wants friendship then tell him no and continue with your recovery. Remember you owe him nothing now, not even friendship. Perhaps in the future when you are completely over him the friendship might be possible.

 

Btw I am in the same situation and I do not want friendship at the moment, it was her choice to leave so it is my choice to not be friends.

 

goodluck with whatever you decide.

[Ated]

Thing is tho, we bump into each other more than necessary. Serosuly, one time, i saw him like 3 times in a week.

 

He said that he just wants us to have 'no problems', that if we run into each toehr we can say hi and talk 'decently'.

 

I dunno but why NOW? out of the blue? and he told me today that his new gf is eager to meet me? what?!?!?!

[CarterJonas]

You say he wants to be friends and his new girlfriend wants to meet you, but what about what you want? If you are over him and could handle friendship then I guess it would be ok. But if it will just make you more depressed..etc then tell him you can't be friends at the moment, but possibly in the future.

 

Do you think he wants to get back with you?

[Ated]

I honestly do not know his intentions. BUt my gut tells me that he wants me as a back-up in case things dont work out for his new gf. Im not even sure about this new gf of his. They dated straight after we broke up (a motnh after) although he claims that it was 4 after we broke up that they started dating... HELLO? we're broken up for 5 months and you've been together for a 'couple' of months..?? I was told otherwise. I was told theyve been together for 3motnhs... wathevr!

 

The thing is is timing! bad! i got my HSC (equivalent to Sat's i think) I just graduated and everything is going well for me... then now hes back in the picture.

 

what is his agenda??? your a guy? i dun get it... he dumps me, gets a new girl... but wants me? huh?

[antzca2000]

Ok dunt try to get back at him. Right now it seems obviosuly your still attached to him and trying to get back at him could end up making you want him back even more.

[Ated]

I asked him today whether he loves this girl and he said... 'i dunno, we havent dated for so long' but he told me that he DID love me...

 

So i dunno. The fact that he moved on so quickly, somehow i feel that they're not gonna last. She has my frame i was told by a mutual friend. But the relationship sounds serious cos apparently both their parrents know that they're dating each other

[Ated]

Ok dunt try to get back at him. Right now it seems obviosuly your still attached to him and trying to get back at him could end up making you want him back even more.

 

OK so i just ignore his calls or pick up but act busy? ANd if i do bump into him, just a polite hello? Or NOTHING AT ALL. Pretend we dun know each other? I mean, i know im better without him. I just find it odd that he called me after 5 months, and he was like 'lets be frineds' and acually called me like 6 times! BiZZZARRROO

 

Oh i forgot to mention. One of his really good mates and i are close... and he asked me whether i like him or not? wtf?

[CarterJonas]

It is pretty much impossible for me to say what his 'agenda' is, as you say it is either of the following three;

 

1. He wants to be friends

Could you handle being just friends with him now after what you have been through? Remember that you don't owe him nothing now.

 

2. He wants you as a backup

Don't let him use you as a backup, the relationship would never work.

 

3. He wants to get back with you.

I wouldn't think he wants to get back with you, especially if he has a girlfriend. If he did I don't think it is the way 'he' would go around things. Firstly he would have finished with his current girlfriend. Then again you are in the best position to try and work out what is going through his head.

 

Think of it another way. You have done well in school/college, you are getting yourself back together, you will definitely get other boyfriends, so do you really need him back in your life?

[Ated]

No bragging, but i actually have been asked out by various guys. What i hate is, because this guy screwed me over... I'm now scared to date. Im scared to trust, im scared to love.

 

Not to be a drama queen, but i think ive been scarred for life. I never had a good r'ship wth my father. He was abusive and a hevy smoker and an alcoholic. He even threathened to kill my mum in front of me when i was in grade 8 and he was holding a knife! Long story short, i was never close to my father and when i went out with this guy, he really hit sumfin home. But then, he turned into my father! I can draw parallel qualities. My bf used to be a 'good' boy, but now, he smokes (even pot!), drinks til he throws up, and goes clubbin 3 times a week.

 

I duno, but its sooo hard for me to trust guys now. Im thining i should become a lesbian (just kidding)

[antzca2000]

First im really sorry to hear about your father.

 

But i just wanna say..... if your only 17 im guessing ur bf cant be that old right? My question is why is he drinking till he barfs at the age of 17? Look at this guy, think of him when he gets old. Gross!

 

And dunt let this heartbreak take you down. Theres plenty of nice guys out there and you just gotta give a guy a chance if he approaches you. The fastest way to heal from a relationship is to fall into another one with a different person. Give the other guys a chance and let yourself be open and accepting.

[CarterJonas]

Yes I can understand with the trust issue after being treated badly. But try an not to close the door as the next guy could just be the genuine article that you are looking for!

[Ated]

Actually he is 22 years old... And that is why it was so hard for me cos he would go clubbing and i would let him.... then i he lied to me andi got insecure so i started calling his mates when he's out. And then we lost it. He screamed saying im not his mother and hwo im immature and narrowminded... bla bla bla...

 

Im very mature for my age. Ive been through a hell of a lot! I even think that im more mature than him.

[Ated]

Yes I can understand with the trust issue after being treated badly. But try an not to close the door as the next guy could just be the genuine article that you are looking for!

 

TRUE. I know it is true. Seriously tho, i just wish i didnt get involved. I mean, i dont take the word 'love' lightly. I just wish i would be able to say it agian. hehe

 

SEriously dudes.... how do i know if a guy is genuine? i mean, i thoguht this ex was 'good'... I was told by a male friend that only guys can tell when another guy is putting on a face. hmmm Is there anyway i can smell this guy? and see his true colours?

[CarterJonas]

I don't think that there is a definate way to tell whether a person is genuine, it is a chance you take when you start a relationship with them.

 

Remember that some people sometimes change and grow out of a relationship, again there is no guarantee that this won't happen again to any of us. Life is full of chances.

[Mun]

Hi Ated,

Whatever you do, don't let this guy walk all over you again. He called you after 5 months. There could be any number of reasons why. He may have a guilty conscience, he may still have feelings for you, he may just want to be on friendly terms.

 

Whatever his reason is you have to think of yourself first. What is it that you want? If he is being genuine and true then he needs to PROVE himself to you first. Don't allow him to hurt you again. Protect your heart. You can be mature here and tell him that you are ok with being friends, for the sake of being friendly, but don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. If you don't want to meet his new girlfriend ( this is weird to me) then don't meet her.

 

Don't trust his words, trust his actions.

 

Love

[Ated]

Protect your heart. You can be mature here and tell him that you are ok with being friends, for the sake of being friendly, but don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. If you don't want to meet his new girlfriend ( this is weird to me) then don't meet her.

 

I WILL protect my heart Muneca. The thing is, i'm not even half way through my healing process and now he is back in my life. I do but i don't wanna meet his gf. I dunno what i mean. BUT as you suggested, i will not go out of my way to meet them.

 

I mentioned that we bump into each other more than necessary. What do i do in that case if i 'do' accept do be friends. One part of me says, 'screw him like he screwed me' (REVENGE IS SWEET), but the other says, 'Fogive but not forget'. I still strongly feel the need to get him a lil hurt. Even a bit. I spose if he got hurt it would indicate that he was 'feeling' SOMEthing.

 

Am i being silly... theres something that is still keeping me attached and i thnk that is it.

 

P>S

 

Is there any way that i can get back at him 'nicely' but painfully???

 

PLS REPLY ... You all have been such a GREAT help so far!

[Ated]

Hey just waiting for others to reply...

[Mun]

The best revenge is living well and being happy. Nothing you do to him now will make a difference in what happened in the past. That is over and done with.

 

I think you should say "sure we can be friends" but then don't do anything about it. You do what is in YOUR best interest. Think of yourself...forget about him for now. He has already moved on.

 

I really don't think exes can be friends.. only "friendly." Well, maybe they can if neither one has feelings for the other anymore.

[kipster]

The best revenge is living well and being happy. Nothing you do to him now will make a difference in what happened in the past. That is over and done with.

 

I really don't think exes can be friends.. only "friendly."

 

These 4 sentences are priceless muneca and on point as usual! Success is always the 'best revenge' if you ask me, but its more self-rewarding, with the very positive byproduct of making a doubter/dumper think twice about their decision. True also, that the past is the past (Gosh it took me forever to get that!). But in order to move forward, you must forget about it.

 

And I 150% agree with the final statement! Gosh its sooooooo hard to even fathom being FRIENDS with my EX fiancee or any of my Ex's for that matter, because if I hurt any of my EX's in any way remotely close to what I've felt with my most recent EX then I wouldn't even want to be my own friend. I think being civil/cordial is even difficult but the mature thing to do, but outside of that, its extremely difficult to maintain that kind of relationship. To those of you that are able to do it, you are far greater people than I am, and I can easily admit that. But there is clearly wisdom in what you've said muneca and Ated you'd be well serve to take heed to what she has mentioned above .

 

Kip

[Ated]

I will most definitely take heed of what muneca and you have said kipster. You guys have been of great help. I truly appriciate it. I just need to vent i guess. Thank you for understanding. Sometimes i feel stupid cos i knwo what i have to do but its so hard to do it...

 

I really treasure your advise cos i know you have been thrugh worse or similar situations. Thanks agian..

 

I just wish the next time i do get a bf, ill only give them what they give me.

 

50/50 Hey survival of the fittest right>??

[Mun]

Thanks guys...I'm just glad you could use what I said .

 

You are right Ated... it is VERY hard to do some things that we have to do in order to move forward. We just have to go one step at a time until we get there.

[Ated]

Ok so heres the deal: last sat he called me as you all know...

 

Today (saturday) he has called agian

 

I defintiely gave him hints that im busy and stuff and i did it that way so i wont be mean. But i think he isnt getting the point. My friends have advised me to just say it straight out. But i cant do it! i dunno why. I cant seem to scream and tell him to leave me alone. How do i tell him i dun want to hear from him in a 'friendly' way?