One way or another, this pain will end...just sweating it out...

[sonicfan287]

2 steps forward, one step back it seems but its better than where I was before...

 

3 months ago, I was swept up into a whirlwind of emotions when my girlfriend broke up with me randomly over the phone. I tried to follow the same plan I had when she did this last August (play it cool for about 2 weeks and finally just initiate some simple contact and see what happens)... but I fell apart. I lost it over the phone and then to make it worse, just KEPT losing it. I tried convincing myself I was okay with her decision but it got worse... from the first night she broke up with me and onward...

 

She broke up with me for the third and most likely final time on March 7, 2012 ... a day before we were supposed to meet at her house to watch movies. March 7 was also a good friends birthday and I remember calling them to wish them a happy birthday and about an hour later is when my ex called and dropped the bomb... in the most indecisive breakup Ive ever heard... which makes me think I couldve stopped it if I had reacted like a normal person instead of losing it...

 

Even after that, I heard a good friend tell me that it was okay... shes done this before... she'll come back again...just leave it alone... but did I listen? Of course not... I ended up back on facebook to send her more cruddy messages that Im sure she dreaded seeing which only validated her decision more. At this point it was about March 12th... and the day I most likely pushed her away for good. It ended with her saying she was going to unfriend me from facebook until I was "over her", to which I responded "Do what you'd like, but please dont forget me" and she unfriended me right after that. Had I known the full context of what had happened, my responses and a lot of what I said before may have changed...

 

Well after this, I completely LOST it! I knew I couldnt call her again, not after that. She was gone... most likely for good, so this was it, pretty much. March 14 is when I snapped. March 14 is when I drove down to a local Family Dollar store and picking up 60 caffeinne pills with the intention of taking them and ending my life. I was going to take them, drive somewhere quiet, get out of my car, go somewhere I couldnt be found and just pass out wherever I could find the space. I didnt want anyone to know, I wasn't doing it to make my ex feel guilty, I wasnt doing it for attention like so many people tell me. I wanted to be out of the way so everyone could carry on with their lives without me. I took the pills, with almost no remorse. I had no idea what was going to happen to me. Was I going to just pass out? Was my heart going to just fail? I didn't know what would happen... but in my usual dramatic sense, there was an ironic reason why I chose caffeinne. Ive had anxiety all my life and suffered from panic attacks. I wanted to overdose on caffeinne and feel my heart race so fast it would explode. I looked up online how many could kill you... 6000 mg was usually the dose. I took over 7500 mg of caffeinne... within about 20 minutes I felt woozy and lightheaded.

 

And for whatever reason... God willing... I changed my mind. I called a friend of mine and told her what I had done. She said I probably wouldnt die but that something would happen... and boy was she right... I dont think I was ever so scared in my life. I felt the blood rushing to my head and I knew that was only the beginning... I had no idea how bad or how intense the pain I was about to be in would be... and I DROVE like this for several miles to get to my friends house... I got there, barely able to steer my car because I had lost most of the feeling in my arms and legs. I wobbled to her front door and collapsed, vomiting profusely, barely able to talk.

 

And you know the dumbest thing? The ABSOLUTE DUMBEST thing?! While I was passing out, vomiting and looking up at my friend, you know what I said? Not "dont let me die" or "please help me" No... here's what I said... "dont tell my ex! dont tell her i did this! if i survive, I still want to get her back" Even in THAT moment, my focus was getting her back... this is how SICK I was. She said she had to call her and yknow what, she did call her... but she didnt answer the phone. She even called her sister and told her it was an emergency... no response from that either. I was still conscious but barely. Paramedics helped me into an ambulance and I just continued vomiting for hours, barely able to feel anything.

 

My closest friends and family ended up at the hospital to see me, even after hours I was still vomiting and it was very hard to walk... Im so angry at myself for doing this... the pain I mustve caused all those who loved me. I cant even imagine... my mom who worries about EVERYTHING mightve had to see her son die... and for what?

 

The thing is... I remember telling my mom that night, while I was still recovering that I dont love my ex anymore... that she couldnt be bothered to see how I was doing when we told her it was an emergency, she never even called back to ask what the emergency was... she couldnt be bothered. I said that night I didnt love her but it was a reaction to what had happened... the sad truth is I did still love her and part of me still DOES love her. In fact, when I finally did get some sleep, I had a really long lengthy dream about her, bringing back all that pain again.

 

Lets just say Im in a much better place now and I take solace in the fact that so many great people were willing to help me and still are. Im in counseling and while it took a while for me to fully open up, I feel Im slowly getting there... theres still a lot to solve though, besides my relationship issues... Ive had many other issues and in a way, this whole thing has opened that up.

 

The point is though, this pain will end... for anyone whos even CLOSE to where I was, it does end. It does better. Its not completely "ended" for me yet but I think the only thing that will do that is dating, and meeting new people. It seemed like the most impossible thing in the world even weeks ago, but now I want to. Doesn't mean I will but at least I want to go out and meet people, Im excited about it, but until I do, there's a shred of hope in me that she may come back, but there shouldnt be... she mistreated me and left me as soon as she could... and didnt even see how I was doing.

 

But yeah, after months of this, on the bright side, Ive realized that if I can handle this pain and come out better for it, it really fuels me going forward to hopefully accomplish some great things in the future. until then ill be herer on ENA trying to help others who may be like me... please believe... always believe. In yourself and in those around you