Hurt and Confused

[hurtslikeab]

Let me start out by explaining my story:

Me and my now ex boyfriend met and started dating over a year ago. he is 10 years older than me. he was my first everything, he took my virginity and became my first love. he was my best friend and my only friend.

 

Half way through our relationship, i started finding pictures of him and this lady all over facebook and twitter. i confronted him about it and he always had some type of excuse. during this time he also started disappearing for days at a time without answering his phone, he would claim he was taking care of his kids that he had from a previous marriage which i already knew.

 

things started to get better until a few weeks ago when he was sleeping at my place. his phone kept going off and so i eventually answered it. on the other end this lady explained to me how they had been dating for a year (the same length as us) and how 2 months ago she just had his baby.

 

he heard me talking to her and threw a huge fit which included him stealing my phone and posting rude things all over my facebook and twitter.

 

the lady called me a few days later to tell me more about how almost every weekend he was down there with her, how they would leave town together and she finished off by saying "if you still want to be with him you can just know im not going anywhere"

 

a few days later he called to give me back my phone and that he wanted to talk. he began to tell me how he lied to me because he loved me and he knew i would break up with him if he told the truth. he told me he feels nothing towards her and how she trapped him into having a baby with him because she was older and lonely.

 

i told him i want nothing to do with him but my actions show different, since that day i let him sleep over once but told him that was the last time and that i need to move on.

 

just last night he showed up at my house at 3 in the morning crying and begging me to take him back. saying he was so sorry and that he made a mistake and hes only human. saying he wants to marry me and everything and i ended up letting him stay the night again.

 

im soooooooo confused right now because i love him soo much but what he did to me hurts soo bad. i could never look at his child and forget what he did to me but im so unhappy without him. it hurts so bad that im considering moving because i know there is no way in the world that i would be able to get over this kind of pain living here where everything reminds me of him.

 

i dont know if i should take him back or move on. this is my first break up, i need some advice

[michelemybell]

My dear, I know you're hurting bad. I was in a similar situation, and who wouldn't be hurting after the guy you love and was showing and saying he loved you back was actually a liar and a cheat.

Let me tell you what happened in my situation---my ex did the same thing as you and I let him back after he professed his love blah blah blah. Found out that he was still seeing the other girl and had no plans on ending it with her either. I asked him to choose between me and her because I wasn't going to be in a shared relationship...and he said goodbye to me.

The problem is, if you take back your ex, you're never going to really know if he's seeing the other woman...or even someone else. You will always have trust issues, always looking over your back. This guy already showed he had no problem saying I love you to you...and making a baby with another woman.

And any woman who says that she isn't going anywhere when she knows there's another woman involved has some serious self-esteem issues. That woman gives women in general a bad name. Do you really want to lower yourself to that level? That's desperation to the core. You're better than that.

I know you're hurting, but let these two dysfunctional people have each other. You deserve way better than this guy. You will regret ever letting him back in your life if you get back together again.

Yes, you will be unhappy SHORT TERM without him. But it's much better than spending a LIFETIME in misery with a guy you can never trust and someone who is a loser cheat. Look at how much pain he has already caused you! Do you really want to live your life like that?

[rahulrocks]

I see your conflict. A part of the mind wanting to stay with the man you loved, the time and security that you invested in him. And there is the other part of the mind which is feeling betrayed and hurt because that security and trust is broken, that ownership of the other one is gone. There are also issues like the other woman not wanting to leave this man and claim him.

You know what, whether you believe it or not, the reason why you are not able to leave him is because subconsciously you are now competing with the other woman for this man because she has said that she wants to have him. Competition and jealousy are very strong emotions and blinds one's vision. If the other woman would have rejected him then probably you would have also been able to get over him because of a sudden fall in the value of the man. Just try to realize the core issues of your mind, whether its the need of security, the fear of uncertainty, no return on your investment...what is it that is stopping you to leave this man.

Don't make an abstraction of the things into a simple word such is 'Love'. There is much more beneath the surfaces.

[fundate]

rahulrocks hit it right on the head in my opinion -- you are now competing with his other girlfriend.

 

This guy does not love you, no matter what he says. He lied to you for a whole year while his other girlfriend was pregnant by him!! He isn't hurting you -- he is hurting you, his other girlfriend and an innocent child. If he loves you and wants to marry you so badly that's great, let him prove it to you by dumping his other girlfriend.

 

Your other option is what - continue to see him knowing that every weekend he is headed out to have sex with his other girlfriend? What if you get married - she already told you she isn't going anywhere. Maybe you guys can get a big house after the wedding and she can live in the basement apartment....