Would you stay in this relationship?

[mikeyc77]

Here's the story so far.

Been seeing Claire for just over a month now. She split from her ex of 4 years about 3 months ago (I think). She lives 20 minutes drive from me so it's not too far.

 

In the first week of dating she seemed quite into me, saw each other quite a lot and she stayed over at my flat a few times. Then this died down a little. Now I find myself always asking if she wants to come round only to be turned down because she has other plans.

 

Last week was the last straw, I told her I wanted more than a 1-day-a-week relationship. Straight after this conversation she came over and we had a chat, she explained that she still has feelings for her ex even though he cheated on her 6 times in those 4 years but she will never go back to him, I just have to be patient. I agreed to stick by her hoping that she might make more of an effort now she knows I'm concerned but things seem to have gotten worse.

 

On Saturday I tried phoning and texting as soon as I woke up, no reply for 6 hours, when she did reply she explained that she had been shopping and left her phone at home. Exectly the same thing happened on Sunday!! She didn't warn me she was leaving her phone at home, simply didn't reply for a full day. Now that's not normal boyfriend / girlfriend behaviour, surely?!

 

I very rarely receive texts from Claire, they are always replies from texts I send wishing her sweet dreams or asking how her day has been. I feel this relationship is very 1-sided but when I talk to her about this she asures me that this is not the case.

 

Would you carry on dating like this?

[sonjam]

Hi mikeyc77

 

a New relationship of barely a month old - no In my opinion it should still be fireworks, and not just work from your side.

 

The way you tell the story, I get the feeling you think she might be spending the time she "left her phone at home" with somoene else - maybe the ex boyfriend? To start a new relationship just 3 months after a breakup could - im not saying it is so, but it could just be a rebound or a getting even.

 

I dunno, but if it was me, I would leave her to rather contact me when she's ready, and rather carry on without her in the mean time.

[mikeyc77]

Hi Sonjam,

 

I don't want to accuse her of seeing her ex but I can't help but think she is. I think maybe it's time to finish it today. How depressing. I quite liked her too.

Back to single life once more.

[sonjam]

hey

 

Good luck with this. If she really wants to see you, now will be the time she will fight for you!.

 

anycase, even for new relationships it is hard to do the breaking up.

 

Im holding thumbs for you everything works out for you the way you wanted.

[bored]

i was in the almost same situation my ex she kept to herself and wouldnt call me or msg me unless i called/msged her..every mornin i would txt her to wake her up but never get ne msg back...lets see we went out for a month or so and only thing i got was 1 kiss on the cheek. she say shes over her ex but secretly goes to chill wid him and tell me shes gonna go eat with her mom lol. in the end we broke up cause i went on vacation and even though she said she'll wait for me to come back..she started dealin wid her ex again

 

my advice is keep ur feelins to urself cause i really screwed myself over on this one o well live and learn

[mikeyc77]

Does sound similar to me mate. However I'm not sure she's seeing her ex. She says there's no way she's getting back with him.

 

Imagine what it's like, catching your boyfriend cheating 6 times!! I think the reason she is so screwed up is because he was also her 1st boyfriend, they started seeing each other with she was only 16 and he was 27! ( to me that's a bit sick ) 4 years on and they split up, he's all she knows when it comes to love.

 

I know I'm trying to make excuses for her but what if this really is her way of taking it easy so soon after her last relationship and I'm simply too impatient. If I dump her I might screw her up even more.

[sonjam]

I don't think you should take the responsibility on yourself of 'screwing her up even further" if you should dump her.

 

You have not been together long enough for that, and anyway, It looks like you are looking for excuses to hang on to something you know is not working out.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck with it!

[bored]

hmm just dont get attached too fast...people like that are unpredictable

she might decide 2morrow shes not ready for a relationship or w/e...im just tellin u..in a couple weeks if she still dont show feelins toward u...your going to get frustrated and the relationship is going bye bye since ur holdin it up by urself

 

well good luck

[lunatic]

Sounds like a rebound relationship on her side. I would bail out of that sinking ship. She was with the ex for over four years and they have been apart four months. No way has she dealt with all the emotions of the breakup.

[mikeyc77]

You know what, I've had rebound relationships so many times you'd have thought I'd be able to spot one straight away even if I am looking at it from the other perspective this time.

 

Only a couple of hours to go til I see her and have to finish it. I feel so

[Cecelius]

If you want to finish it, then that is your choice.

 

But objectively, I think 1 month is too soon (from your side) to having these kinds of chats and time committments. What I think you may consider, if you can steel yourself to being personally upbeat but rationally detached, is to back burner her. Don't call her for a while or ask her to do anything and see what she does in response. She may come running back for more. Confident persistance may pay over time.

 

Since you have been only going out for 1 month and she just got out, its natural for any new relationship to seem foreign to her, so she may be just working it out of her system.

 

If nothing else, you won't have burned any bridges. BUT, you are not exclusive, so be single -- ask other girls out, do other things.

 

In the end, you may only end up with her as a friend, but I am sure she has other friends she'd be happy to introduce you to...

[mikeyc77]

Hi Cecelius

That is good advice. However, I could not ask other girls out. I have already asked Claire where I stand and she said she didn't want anything too serious. I asked, "does that mean see other people" and she replied with a definite, "no!" Besides, I am not willing to take the risk of hurting her further - that would destroy her confidence in men completely. Either I finish with her and see other people or I treat this as a monogamous relationship.

 

I like the idea of continuing but trying not to contact her, maybe that is worth a shot.

[mikeyc77]

I did it last night. Told her it was over.

Hope I did the right thing, she looked very upset.

[loveproblems]

I think Claire needs more time to get over her previous relationship. My advice is not to get into a relationship as she will probably be comparing you with her ex. But continue to be friends with her if you still like her. In time she will realize that they are great guys like you who are better than her cheating ex.