Getting Over Selfish Ex

[sadpup]

My ex is now on her 2nd new fling that I know of. She moved out about a 1 year 3 months ago. For a good while after that we were on and off. Even spent New Years Eve together. She lied and cheated but I kept trying to make it work for some reason. Love??? I even paid for us to go on an awesome vacation together in March. I ended up losing money and going by myself. She just kept saying I love you, you are my best friend, I want you in my life forever all the while messing around with other people. What the heck kind of selfishness is that and how could I have allowed it???

 

Finally 2 weeks ago I blocked her number, fb everything, even every contact to her relatives, kids, friends everything.

 

I have been trying to socialize with my old friends more and started attending some singles events and meeting nice people. I'm supposed to actually go on a date tonight and for some reason I felt terrible last night. I was in my bed crying before I fell asleep. Quite pathetic. I think I'm just nervous and scared to start dating and just so sad about the delusional 5+ years I spent with this person. Yes, there were many, many good times but uggg.

 

Hopefully it gets easier. What do you guys think about venturing out to date. Just do it??? Is it normal to still be on this rollercoaster??? Even though I was treated bad I do get stupid thoughts of hoping she sends an email someday wanting me back and pledging to do whatever it takes. Delusional and stupid I know but normal? How to just move on??? Thanks.

[dasilver]

I went out on my first date on Sunday. I wasn't ready but i pushed myself because the guy seemed really nice.

 

It was supposed to be just a coffee date but he asked me to go see a movie with him.

 

I didn't want to but again pushed myself to do it.

 

He was a really nice guy but there was no chemistry. I just wasn't feeling it. I'm not ready to date.

 

He's been texting me so i'm going to be honest and tell him i'm not interested. I'm going to apologize for wasting his time.

 

If you think you're really ready to mingle, i would say go for it but if not...then don't do it.

 

I'm going to spend a little more time working on myself.

[sadpup]

dasilver you are smart to work on yourself and take time. I feel like I'm ready and interested. Maybe not 100% ready but my ex cheated and left more than a year ago. That relationship was the longest I ever had and the only person I ever lived with. I'm 47. That could be partly why it is so hard. I trusted and wanted it to be forever and thought it could be if we both worked hard when needed. I have worked on myself a lot my whole life. I have never been one of those people who always had a relationship. I reflected a lot when I was out of the country on my own. I am a very sensitive person and I'm afraid I could spend the next decade in my own head reflecting, analyzing, being sad and in pain, blah blah. I don't want another self inflicted exile for the next decade : ) but I certainly don't want to hurt anyone. I want to be honest with anyone I date. I sort of feel like if I am open and the right person comes along I will know it. I will be very, very discerning this time, really take my time and take heed of those dreaded big red flags.

[mixhot]

i feel for you sadpup!!

 

my ex is very same as yours, i did exactly what you have done!! all family and some mutual friends deleted,,

 

women (sorry girls) like that shouldnt have the love we have to give them,, they dont diserve it AT ALL

 

They fill you with s&*t and will do for the rest of their lives, they will never change unless they take time out for themselves and realise what they are doing, read one of my threads and look at the replys.

 

keep your head held high.

 

i

[sonicfan287]

Hey sadpup...

 

Im very sorry for what youre going through.... my ex was so "hot or cold" that when she cuts me off, she really cuts me hard... she also told me she loved me a lot constantly and said things like "you dont give yourself enough credit, youre a really great person" and all kinds of unbelievably nice things that noone has said to me before (outside of maybe my family) and she just made me feel so accepted and loved...

 

But then when it all came crashing down... it crashed HARD, so I know... and speaking of selfish, she can never tell me WHY we break up. Its always something vague like "I dont know, I changed my mind" or "Im just not feeling it now". Shes done this THREE TIMES, and so everytime we get back together, I become apprehensive and am always trying to make sure things are smoothed over even if they dont need to be, because like I say, she can go COLD out of nowhere and then its like she NEVER knew you. She blocked me on everything, dissapeared, pretty much stopped existing and oh yeah, she broke up with me OVER THE PHONE AGAIN in a very vague conversation that just started casual and then turned sour... and we were supposed to see each other that next day.... so instead I spent the next day bawling my eyes out, had no way to get in touch with her and guess what? 3 days later, she found someone else! I wonder if THAT had anything to do with us breaking up so suddenly... hmm?

 

Sorry, Im losing my focus... the point is, its very hard to explain why we can become attached to people like this and for some dating can be a good experience to feel like you are moving past this but again, for others, it may just lead to some dissapointment or setbacks. Ive been on one such date like this and idk if it was bc I was nervous or I missed my ex too much but I just couldnt let myself feel any feelings for her. She was a very nice girl, had a lot in common and I didnt hate being with her but I also didnt love it and didnt feel the same rush of excitement so I had to let her down easy which wasnt too hard because I dont think she was interested either, mainly because I seemed very "blah" on our date, because of these feelings in my head, so clearly I wasn't ready. But everyone's different.

 

My general advice with stuff like this is...wait until you "perceive" youre ready to date... and then wait a couple weeks past that. The reason I say that is sometimes you can get very eager to jump the gun to the next phase but if you give yourself a couple weeks to think it over and youre STILL feeling reading to date, then go for it. Theres no waste in taking the extra time, the single ladies will still be there ;p