I'm going to post instead of break NC

[Clarabelle]

After six months of drama and contact with my husband who I kicked out of the house in April, I woke up, and I realized what maintaining contact and trying to patch things up with him was costing me. I asked him last week only to contact me if it has to do with our daughter. He called yesterday to talk to her, and we had a friendly chat. I felt compelled to tell him that NC was better and that it would allow us heal in a way that hadn't been possible. He was respectfull and let me talk without commenting much. I had asked him for NC before and he didn't accept it. Now I think he can.

 

If anything, I think I broke NC by getting into that discussion with him. Since I shifted the focus on to myself, and not to frantically trying to "Make it work", I feel much better. If anything, I can able to feel real feelings of love and affection for him, which I haven't felt in a long time. I'm struggling with the desire to share those feelings with him and explain how I need to get myself back before I can think about what's next. I want to share these feelings, because I'm feeling good, but I have to trust that love and time can speak these things much better than I ever could now.

[bader]

How long have you been married and when did the drama set in ?

[Clarabelle]

Hi Bader. The drama really started building slowly four years ago when our daughter was born. I lost my job, so we were really in a financial pinch. I was a stay at home mom and my husband started assuming that I would do everything for the home, even though I asked again and again for a break, for help. Every day when he would come home from work he would take a nap and essentially ignore me and the baby. I felt so alone and so in need of help. He was not supportive of my requests because he felt he was the breadwinner. We had to move because my daughter got lead poisoning, to a horrible little studio apartment, and I never had any free time for myself. My husband quit his job. We wracked up tons of credit card debt. I could go on, but the whole point is, that we got stuck in front of a tidal wave with no way to get away from it, no support, no money. It really caused things to deteriorate to weekly fighting.

[Clarabelle]

I'm going to start keeping a journal where I can pour out my feelings about my husband, the good ones that I want to share with him, as well as the bad ones that often create tension between us.

[light bulb]

A journal is a nice idea. Being able to express yourself, even if to a piece of paper, will help with the healing process.

 

Your situation seems very tough. NC with a child involved...man, that's got to be hard.

[bader]

credit card debt

don't buy what you don't have money for big mistake.

 

My advice dump the guy unless he is willing to do some drastic changes internally. Personally i don think its worth your time an energy.

 

If there is any debt you have to paid it off first put your full focus on it and direct your money toward eliminating it, then you can start really climbing the ladder again.

 

You must be an unbelievably strong person to endure all of that.

 

You are doing a great job so far, keep focusing on yourself and don't let him bring you down.

 

"When the captain has sank the ship through a series of miss-judgments, he becomes a member of the crew and a new captain emerges" -

 

If he want to get back together YOU must be willing to be the CAPTAIN.

[Clarabelle]

Hi, Bader. Thanks for your kind words. Yep...I already did dump the guy, and I'm not going to invest anymore time and energy into "trying to make it work" and concentrate on myself, and on paying off the debt as quickly as possible. I've been fortunate to have picked up some freelance work recently which will really help to chip away at that debt.

 

I am a strong person, but it's been on for too long (years!) that I'm wearing down under the strain. Working full-time, financial pressures, wanting to give the best to my little girl, not enough support from my husband in terms of household/parenting responsibilities. Someone here suggested taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. I'm starting to think it might be a good thing.

 

I noticed that my husband and I have a pattern where everything is fine, and we cooperate, and then he starts getting lazy and stressed out, and starts slacking off and also venting on me about his frustrations, trying to make them into my problems. And I get very stressed out and angry when he doesn't help me with our daughter. The end result is that we end up blowing up at each other. The good thing that came out of me blowing up at him this last time is that it made me realize that I wasn't interested in trying to get him back anymore, and that I had to put myself first. Nonetheless, we both have a temper, so we'll (or I'll) have to learn to deal with our explosive emotions more constructively and learn to defuse before we blow up. I think that with time and more "NC for parents" it might get easier.

[Clarabelle]

What is the hardest for me in "getting my groove back" is that I have a child to take care of. Besides the fact that my husband is very slowly (too slowly for me!) learning how to share child care responsibilities with me, I'm not readily able to do the things that I know would help me feel really good - do whatever I want when I want, sleep late, go out dancing, cry all day, go for a jog. Everything requires planning now. The weekends are hard. I'd like to take that time to take care of myself, but I have a little one to think about who likes to play with Mommy, who wants to go to the park, and I often become incredibly tense on the weekends.

[bader]

Someone here suggested taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication.

- Waste of money and will not solve the cause of the problem.

 

Remember you don't have to be perfect, you have to just manage one day at a time.

 

My advise is to go to your family and ask for a one or two day break so you can do something relaxing or form a single mums' support group, a simple add in the newspaper would get attention and to startup your group.

 

 

I hope the freelance work keeps coming your way..

 

Take Care and be imperfect for a day, SuperMum is an ideal, not a practicality.

[Clarabelle]

Thanks, Bader. I appreciate it. I went to my therapist last night and discovered after I left that i had forgotten to discuss medication, and I realized that perhaps it wasn't so important after all.

 

Also for the first time in almost 4 years, and certainly since the separation, my husband offered to take care of my daughter from Friday night until Saturday noon, which is great. I had to really lay down the law with him and get tough, but he is starting to respect my rules and be a more consistent father, so I get a break! I'm going to do something fun on Friday night and sleep late on Saturday! A real first.

[bader]

Captain Clarabelle is sailing the SHIP

[Clarabelle]

That was sweet, Bader!

 

What I didn't expect after initiating stricter "NC for parents" was that 1. I would immediately start feeling better; and MOST OF ALL: 2. I would start remembering so many happy things about my husband and our life together before the problems started and all the things I loved (love?) about him. Once I stopped feeling so anxious about trying to win him back, I started feeling real love. I don't really know what to do with those feelings and I don't necessarily need to know. They are a little emotional and overwhelming. I think it's from feeling the loss.

 

My therapist recommended that I communicate to my husband my reasons for initiating NC so that we are both clear on what is going on and what we hope to get out of it. In an e-mail, I wrote about these above-mentioned things, as well my continuing need for help with our daughter, which started after she was born and is one of the main reasons why we started growing apart. I thought he didn't take my wishes seriously, but his parents told me that besides being cultural (he is from South America) it was much the same way in their house: dad working all the time and mom taking care of everything else. She, too, suffered as a result. So in retrospect, I don't think he's yet capable of anything else, although he has started stepping up to the plate recently much, much more. And I did convey the love that I felt for him.

 

I don't expect anything as a result of sending this e-mail besides offering him a clearer understanding about my decision and what I expect to get out of our separation agreement.

[Mun]

Hi Clarabellle,

I am so proud of you! It sounds like you are doing pretty well now. Keep up the good work.

 

Just one suggestion, try finding a reliable babysitter for when you need to go out. You do need time to yourself to keep yourself sane. I know.

[Clarabelle]

My daughter is staying at my husband's place tonight and I am so excited! I'm going to do something fun. I asked some of my friends to go to a movie. No one is available - most of my friends are moms now, too! - so I will go by myself. I remember after I broke up with my last boyfriend I spent really nice, low-key time by myself.

 

I can't believe my husband is finally getting it about sharing the child care and parenting responsibilities. I'm thrilled but I also know I have to be vigilant about not letting him slide. I realized yesterday that this issue is one of our key issues, if not THE key issue. I had a breakthrough in understanding it, too, which in retrospect seems like a no-brainer. For a long time (4 YEARS!) I was just pissed, FURIOUS at him for not sharing the job with me more. I thought he was doing it out of spite or disinterest. When I talk to his mother during these last few months, she always says, "that's the way he was raised, and it's part of our culture. He doesn't know any different" Whenever I heard her say that, I would always say "Yeah, yeah, right" never really taking her seriously. My husband is from South America, the same country as my family, but I was raised here. I thought I understood everything about the way people grow up over there, but I realized I am more American than I thought, as well as the fact that my family is more educated than his is, and thereforeeee more aware about things like women working and the parents sharing the parenting. It finally hit me that, DUH, his mom is right and that he doesn't have the same parenting model that I do. I stopped blaming him for things I thought he was doing to hurt me. And he is finally beginning to understand what I need to be a happy mom.

 

Nonetheless, I have been using the services of my friends's teenage daughter as a babysitter when I need it. My friend also has a little boy close in age to my daughter, so it's kind of like a play date for my daughter when she has to go to the babysitter.

[bader]

It may sound old fashion, but writing letters or simply writing is an awesome way of thought transfer. When ever i need to forget something i write it down, it is like giving yourself permission to forget. Its equally helpful to do when you need to express your feelings.

 

Glad to see things are fairly well on the high seas.

 

"After great hardship comes great relief" - This is a fact of life so things are going to get only better.....

 

Good Luck

[Clarabelle]

Bader, I decided to write my reasons to my husband partly based on your signature about listening. Writing put the emphasis on listening, whereas talking sometimes puts people on the defensive when there are strong emotions involved.

 

My husband texted me earlier to say that our daughter could stay with him until 4pm tomorrow and that he would pick her up from school today. He mentioned yesterday that they might go to the movies tonight, which sounds like fun. He has to work tomorrow, and I know that our little girl can stay part of the time at the daycare at his job. I wonder if he has asked his gf to babysit for her. I kind of hope not, I know, it's lingering jealousy. He did it once before without asking me and it really upset me, which I think was what he wanted to do. But now I feel more inclined to trust his judgment and that as long as our daughter is not going to be hurt by it, it's okay.

[Clarabelle]

I've been enjoying my time to myself. I was full of plans, but when I got home last night after work it was such a relief not to have anyone in the house...just peace and quiet. I'm doing what I want, when I want. It feels so good! I just wish that my husband had been able to give me more of this before, but oh well...I actually ran into my husband and my daughter a few hours ago. they were walking around in the neighborhood where he lives, which is only about 15 minutes from me but it is close to nice river side park, which is where I chose to go jogging. He immediately asked me why I was there, and I said because it was a pleasant place to run. When I got home, he called again, he said "I thought you were following me. When I saw you, you were looking in all directions." And I replied, no, it's a nice place to jog, I was just looking at traffic. I hope he doesn't think I'm stalking him. Anyway, I'm very happy that he's taking this time with her (until 7pm tonight!!!). I wonder why he's finally waking up now, and I hope that he keeps it up!

[Mun]

Hi Clarabelle,

It sounds very good. I too hope that he keeps it up.

 

The best way to get someone to do something is for them to want to do it. Maybe once he sees how much your daughter (and you) appreciate him for this he will keep it up. I know its his responsibility, but do you know what I mean?

[Clarabelle]

Thanks, Muneca. Your point is well taken. I will send him a text to say thank you right now. The weekend was good, great to have time to myself, but yesterday was Sunday, and like so many Sundays, I was adrift in doubt. Without a doubt, the weekends are hard for me. I am planning to go with my daughter to visit an old friend who also has a little girl this weekend. It will be fun to have a change of scenery and things to distract me. I'm doing okay, I just feel really alone. It's hard to get my friends to do things these days, largely because they all have kids. I feel like I need new friends who want to have fun. I want to play and no one is available to play.