Emma8 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Hey, many of you may already know my story ( ) but i split up with my ex in Nov, he was emotionally and verbally abusive. Since then I have tried NC and LC many times. Always failing. Havent been on here much recently as been ill and pretty depressed. He ended it, but still contacts me every few days, not to get back together, but to just know Im there and keep me in the background. I know this now. I think he still cares and loves me in his own kind of way. Recently i found out he has been seeing someone for a few weeks. Possibly a rebound, to replace/forget me (his words). It destroyed me beyond belief. He has been apologsing a lot in last few days about his behaviour with me and realised how bad he was. Seems genuine but I guess abusers are. Saying he will never be like that again with anyone. How being with me brought out the jealously insecure and very possessive side to him. I dont believe that. I think he is just insecure and emotionally unstable and will be like it with anyone. Anyway, the point is, Im finding it so hard to cope with him being with someone else. I dont hear about it anymore, Ive blocked emails, facebook etc and he doesnt tell me about it when he contacts. But I know he works with her so they are together alot. Weekends and evenings are hard too. I cant bear it. I guess I dont understand how one minute he adores me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and the next, he is with her? Can people just switch like that and change their feelings so quickly? Despite being cruel and verbally abusive, I really thought he loved me so much. I know im going round in circles with this, but we had a very strong love/hate relationship. Loved each other too much to point of obsession. It difficult to get away from something like that. I am trying to not think of them but it is hard. Knowing he is sleeping with her and doing/saying things that I want him to say to me not her. BUT then I have to remember how horrible he was to me.and that really this is best. There is nothing I can except, move on but Im just struggling right now...... Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Well your pic is the message you should be focussing on right now. You know you should be ignoring all forms of contact. It's causing you to re-live the pain and memories, good and bad. Now in the past he as emotionally and verbally abusive, nothing has changed has it ? He is still causing you emotional pain, he is making a choice to do that. You need to try and be stronger and ignore / cut out all communication , ingoing and outgoing or you will never give yourself the time to heal. You're not alone in your struggle Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Hey, many of you may already know my story ( ) but i split up with my ex in Nov, he was emotionally and verbally abusive. Since then I have tried NC and LC many times. Always failing. Havent been on here much recently as been ill and pretty depressed. He ended it, but still contacts me every few days, not to get back together, but to just know Im there and keep me in the background. I know this now. I think he still cares and loves me in his own kind of way. There is nothing I can except, move on but Im just struggling right now...... At the risk of giving you more reason to feel hurt, and I really think you should try to just take it for what it is: I've seen guys do this time and time again. I don't think it's a good thing for the woman in question. As a matter of fact, it's like keeping someone on a shelf, in case they need them, because their current flame dumps them. Like I said, it's not that they love you, or that they miss you, it's that they're selfish enough to think that you might come back to them if they NEED you! This is not someone who loves you, it's someone who loves themselves so much, they can't think at all what might be best for you. And your stance here? Knowledge is power! If you know this, you won't fall into a further trap of him wanting and needing you for himself, and misreading this as him loving and caring about you. It's not. Hugs Angel Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 I guess I like to think that what we had was special and that he did/does really love me. We did have some incredible times together, moments that blew us both away. I think deep down Im hoping that maybe this is all a big mistake and he is just gonna wake up and realise what he is doing is wrong. Its not going to happen though is it. Its unfair how we, the good people, fall for the people who treat us this way. Im a nice person, and would never be mean to anyone. Yet, I fell in love with someone who was mean to me believing he felt the same. Then they walk away and I get left hurt. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 I ignoring all communication. Havent responded to anything since Monday. he has been asking if Im ok and getting annoyed that i dont respond. ends up saying he will contact my dad to check im ok. he wont. i know he wont. he then txts to tell me about some fav crisps on offer and did I watch our fav prog last night. No more asking if Im ok though - odd behaviour. But I am ignoring. Link to comment
springfun0214 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 I'm right there with ya Emma. I am going through exactly the same thing with my ex. He is dating one of his co-workers and still contacts me every week or so. It is very difficult especially the weekends. I have found that if I try and stay busy and think in the moment it gets better. I dread the weekends but when they are here they aren't as bad. It is the leading up to it that is the worst. Your ex is like mine, extremely selfish and self centered. I don't think they sit down and say..."well let me eff with ex's head today and contact". But I think they act on impulse and when they have a need they want it filled. After it is they just move on until the next time they need an ego injection. It is hard for us to understand because we aren't like that but sadly other people are. We will get through this, I know it! Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 I agree - he thinks only of himself a lot and when he feels sad or lonely or does miss me he contacts me, with some random txt or asking how i am - then thats it for a while. probably busy with 'her' or their own life. I have been trying today, everytime I think of them or their weekend plans, I think of something I can do for me and what I can plan. Its incredibly hard and he is constantly there in my mind. I wish I knew what he was thinking!! Personally I cant understand how he can be with someone else, touch someone else, sleep with them etc. It makes me feel sick to think of being with anyone but him..... Link to comment
springfun0214 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 I agree - he thinks only of himself a lot and when he feels sad or lonely or does miss me he contacts me, with some random txt or asking how i am - then thats it for a while. probably busy with 'her' or their own life. I have been trying today, everytime I think of them or their weekend plans, I think of something I can do for me and what I can plan. Its incredibly hard and he is constantly there in my mind. I wish I knew what he was thinking!! Personally I cant understand how he can be with someone else, touch someone else, sleep with them etc. It makes me feel sick to think of being with anyone but him..... I know, it is so hard to think of them together. I am at 3 months of him seeing her now, it does get easier. Think of it this way, they work together and are dating...that will get old quick. Try not to think of them together too much. I think of my ex and how he is in reality. They don't miraculously change to other guys overnight. They are the same, with all the flaws and insecurities that we remember, it will just take time for the new love interests to catch on. The more we talk to them and let them keep us on the hook the longer it will take for the new gf to figure out how they really are. No relationship is perfect and you can be sure that your ex isn't as happy most likely that you think he is. Link to comment
typingbug Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 i have been broken up for 2 weeks and it hurts as hell,he was also emotional abusive ,he ended after 7 years and was projecting all his problems to me ,weekend approaches and i fear it too, i am trying to keep busy but even if i do i feel so lonely so numb ,today i felt like reaching out to him but i didn't as that wont bring him back but it hurts ,how can they say i love you and i don't want to lose you and then decides to end it .i am also there for you and i can give you my msn if you would like to chat ,it frickin hurts,its been such a hard week for me too Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 He was verbally abusive to me for a lot of the relationship, very jealous, insecure and selfish. He said he would never be like he was with me with anyone else because 'I was far too good for him' and he couldnt control his strong feelings towards me. So, i do kinda worry that I just bought out the bad side...that he has found someone who he feels more comfortable with and treat them better....or maybe he is full of BS and actually just the same!!!!! I have backed off completely. typingbug - 7 years is a long time. i was with my ex for just a year but i guess it still hurts as much. i think they tell us all this lovely stuff because they dont really know what they are saying, think they mean it, but actually deep down, they dont. they dont realise they are hurting us. they dont care really as long as they get what they want. weekend will be over before we know it. i hope. I feel like i just want to get in my bed and stay there until monday morning - but doesnt really help as ex works with his new girlf.....ugh I hope their relationship goes wrong and then his job will be HELL! Sorry Link to comment
typingbug Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 i understand how you feel.everyday i keep realizing its over and i am still at the realization ,its like how come they cant hurt? how come they are not affected by it ,i don't know what to say Link to comment
springfun0214 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 I think he is full of bs! Why would he tell you he was happier, he would just BE happy and it would not even occur to him to tell you. I hope the same thing about my ex and his girlfriend. My ex sometimes text'd me from work. I would think "wow what a jerk he is saying he misses me when she is right down the hall". Not really a nice guy. If they can do it to them they can do it to us and might have already done so and we just don't know. My ex's new girlfriend was only separated from her husband for 1 week when they started dating. Um so, good luck with that. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Typingbug - I think that too. Are they missing me? why arent they begging for me back? why isnt he crying over me? or writing diaries, on forums etc? how come he can carry on with his life and not think or care about me? After everything we said and did and how much love we have? why is it so easy for them? truth is, i dont think it is easy for them. i just think most men (without being offensive) deal with their feelings very differently to women.... Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 I hope the same thing about my ex and his girlfriend. My ex sometimes text'd me from work. I would think "wow what a jerk he is saying he misses me when she is right down the hall". Not really a nice guy. If they can do it to them they can do it to us and might have already done so and we just don't know. Yep - he does the same! Tuesday he was txting me all sorts of stuff throughout the whole day - and I thought jesus, he girlf cant be that great if he is still txting me! because if she had swept him off his feet and was totally amazing, i would be forgotten. in a sick way i feel slightly better knowing he is txting me - weird eh - but then again, i think was he doing it to me? or would he? could I ever trust him again if they split and asked me back? not that i want an abusive selfish immature man back...but for some reason 1% of me does.... Link to comment
typingbug Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 like when he told me that he wanted to break up thru tho phone he said i will miss you and then i told him then why break up with me if you are going to miss me. Link to comment
springfun0214 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Yep - he does the same! Tuesday he was txting me all sorts of stuff throughout the whole day - and I thought jesus, he girlf cant be that great if he is still txting me! because if she had swept him off his feet and was totally amazing, i would be forgotten. in a sick way i feel slightly better knowing he is txting me - weird eh - but then again, i think was he doing it to me? or would he? could I ever trust him again if they split and asked me back? not that i want an abusive selfish immature man back...but for some reason 1% of me does.... I think my ex is drifting further away everyday. The texts are becoming less frequent so I think he really loves her. That is the most difficult part because you are right, when they are contacting you at least there is some comfort there because you know the new relationship can't be that great. I think my ex is gone for good unless his new girlfriend dumps him. He will only come back around if he is feeling insecure. They work together so maybe that is what is keeping some of the insecurity at bay. He is one of those people that forgets all of his friends when he is with someone and puts everything in to the person he is with. So if that ends he will be like "huh?? Where is everyone???" Link to comment
Fraggle Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 I guess I like to think that what we had was special and that he did/does really love me. We did have some incredible times together, moments that blew us both away. I think deep down Im hoping that maybe this is all a big mistake and he is just gonna wake up and realise what he is doing is wrong. Its not going to happen though is it. Its unfair how we, the good people, fall for the people who treat us this way. Im a nice person, and would never be mean to anyone. Yet, I fell in love with someone who was mean to me believing he felt the same. Then they walk away and I get left hurt. I so agree with the statement that its the good people who get hurt and the bad apples don't, maybe becuase we're willing to risk it whilst they're not- or is it just fate? I hope you're not holding out too much for him to return Emma8 so you get hurt all over again. Its amazing that you want someone back that has hurt you. I feel exactly the same about my ex at the moment who after 9 years pulled the plug quite unceremoniously and said some horrible things in the process. So why do we want to be with them once more when they treat us so bad? Lord only knows maybe its just missing thier company but its highly likely they are no longer the person you were with and have changed so much that you wouldn't recognise them? I hope you don't think about him too much becuase it will drive you crazy if you keep thinking about them all the time. I'm trying not to but it is proving difficult, so I know how you feel. Hang on in there and I hope whatever you want to happen will happen in due course Link to comment
Comstar Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 We all have a filter when we face crowds. It is like a search algorithm that makes us to meet very similar people in different places. My bet is you need to adjust your search algorithm to find good guys instead of abusive ones. Good guys may be a bit "less interesting" as abusive treatment has more of roller coaster emotions, but those are negative emotions. What you had was special for you and that's all that matters. it does not matter if it was for him. In the future you may need a healthier relationship. Abuse is about domination, master-slave relationships instead of a relationship between equals. If you ever want something different you must change some things in the way your view life and how you choose people. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 I have never been with someone abusive before i met him, im a strong independent person with previous ex's really lovely, so not sure why I got dragged down with this one. I always thought I d be the one to say 'enough!' and walk away...but I didnt. Maybe he isnt the same person and I am clinging onto what he used to be like. Or that vision of him I want. Clinging onto the dreams and plans we had together. Everytime i think of him, I need to remind myself of a situation where he made me cry, or was cruel or called me names for no reason. that should surely help. Springfun - I do fear that as time goes on, so will their relationship and I will be forgotten. But I guess the more time that passes, the more likely his true colours will come out with her too.... My ex also focuses alot on the relationship, so I think he will do the same with this one. Plus working with her, he knows where she is and what she is doing.... Link to comment
springfun0214 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Plus working with her, he knows where she is and what she is doing.... Sadly that is exactly right and how I am feeling. I am sure my ex is not talking with his friends too much either. We can't do anything about it I guess. That is what is so difficult. Part of me wants to send him a hurtful and angry text but I won't. All the conversations after we broke up about how important my friendship was to him blah blah blah. Now where do I stand? Out with yesterdays newspaper...discarded and forgotten. It hurts tremendously but all that is left to do is move on. Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Your ex is an asshat of the highest order. Not only was he abusive, but now he's seeing someone, and insists on keeping you on the hook. It's going to be up to you to CUT HIM OFF completely. You won't be sorry, once you've healed and meet a good guy that knows how to treat people with respect (things you deserve). It will only be a matter of time (no long) before he starts mistreating the new girl, and their fling falls apart. Think about it - he's still connected to you, saying he's only seeing her to get over you (lies). So he's started his rebound with confused and thinking and carrying a bunch of baggage. Once it falls apart, they're going to be in HELL having to work with each other! Hopefully by that point you will have maintained NC long enough to resist responding to him when he comes crawling back to you, looking for someone to make him feel good again (same old pattern). He's a * * * * * * * . If you cut him off, and focus on you, you will come out on top, I'm 99% sure. Link to comment
MissieP Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Emma your ex was like mine emotionally abusive,etc. You should be thankful you aren't with him anymore! I know I used to be sad thinking I wish I had my ex was back with me but he left me and guess what it's her problem now! You shouldn't be worrying about him or her and what they are doing and above all ignore all contact. He just wants an ego stroke plain and simple. I've been there girl.... Link to comment
pietro5266 Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 I told my ex a few days ago that I need to go no-contact for a few weeks to get to the same place she is emotionally. She and I did not have a bad breakup, and I probably will remain friends with her, but only after I've processed everything. However, she mentioned that, before this happens, she wanted to see me and just talk a bit -- not about getting back together, but just about why she feels things won't work. That was supposed to happen several days ago, but, for one reason or another, she keeps postponing our "talk", and each day she's communicated with me some. My feeling is that she's doing what everyone else's ex is doing on this thread -- delaying, hanging on, using me as a backup, until Mr. Next comes along. I'm about to give her the final call before I just do it; I don't want to be rude, but she seems to be ignoring my feelings regarding this. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 This is helpful and exactly how I am starting to see it. He is still connected in some way, you cant just switch off feelings overnight, but he has gone into this relationship with feelings for me, which will be his downfall. Plus the longer things go on with this girl, the quicker his true colours will show. I cant wait until I can be kind of 'over him' and when he comes crawling back (if) I can turn around and say no. I really want to get to that point. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 Emma your ex was like mine emotionally abusive,etc. You should be thankful you aren't with him anymore! I know I used to be sad thinking I wish I had my ex was back with me but he left me and guess what it's her problem now! You shouldn't be worrying about him or her and what they are doing and above all ignore all contact. He just wants an ego stroke plain and simple. I've been there girl.... Over the last few days I have been thinking a lot about how I am living my through his. How when I wake I am wondering what he is doing, where he is, is he with her,what are they doing in this lovely weather we are having. Constant thoughts about whether he misses me and our issues. Ive been trying to start living my life again. Like yesterday I woke up and thought about him, with her, times he was doing stuff etc etc....so instead I stopped myself and thought right, its a lovely day, what can I do with day. How can I enjoy my day. What can I do in the sunshine to make the day good and easier to get through. Its hard to do that, but I have to. Of course he is still in mind every second - but I have to keep pushing that away and thinking I am no healing whilst thinking about him. To heal I have to think about me. I have been telling myself how if we had stayed together, he wouldnt have changed, our issues would still be there, he would probably be talking to girls behind my back,still abusing me and still making me cry to sleep. He would still be calling me names, still accusing me of stuff and still making me walk on egg shells around him. Resenting my gorgeous son and probably end up hurting me even more than he did. Giving giving giving, always trying to make him happy, but not getting anything back. Im a good person, i dont deserve that I dont want to be an option or a back up when things go wrong in his new relationship. He is truly loved me and wanted me, he would be here. Loving and respecting me at ALL times. Pietro - I do think she is keeping you hanging on. Making sure she knows you are still there and the longer she does it, the easier it becomes for her to do it to you. Its helping her get over you, but hurting you. If I were you, I would email her. Tell her you cant be treated like this anymore and you need to start healing so you can move on. Tell her that if she wants to tell you about the things that werent right and why you cant be together, she can reply to you email when she is ready setting it all out. My ex keeps doing this even now,txting me saying he wants to explain why he was so horrible and why things wont work. To be honest we will never get all the answers we want. You probably know deep down why you arent together anymore. Link to comment
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