How to deal with the "it was so unfortunate" feeling

[thousandyear]

I posted my story in a long-winded fashion in another thread awhile ago (sorry)... thanks for the helpful suggestions that I received. Basically I was in a 5 year relationship, was engaged, but my ex ended the relationship as his parents gave him the ultimatum - if he marries me, they would disown him - they would not attend the wedding and warned if that if we do marry to not have any kids as they think that I would not make a good mother (I really do not think his parents concerns are based on full understanding of me as they barely know me, since due to several misunderstandings at beginning of the relationship, they never really liked me and I was afraid of them and their criticisms, so we had minimal contact). So he ended the relationship because of his parents. For the 5 years we were together, we were very happy, the only thing we really ever argued about was his dependency on his parents (i.e. his parents' overprotection of him). And after he proposed and I accepted, we had a huge argument stemming from the same thing via another issue, so his parents took this event as proof that I do not love their son and brought back all previous arguments as evidence. This all happened a year ago... since end of the engagement, we did keep in touch and even mutual friends who listened to both sides of the story (instead of just one side, which I can see why his best friends all seem to support him and his parents) have tried to talk to him and suggest that our arguments were common ones that many couples have. But he seems now partially agree with his parents and cannot get over some of the mistakes that I made, and he said that even if he can, he does not know how to change his parents attitude. He says he believes his parents view of me is overexaggerated, but he does not see how they can change their mind, for he said his parents are like most normal people who would not want to have any contact with someone who has done them wrong (so basically my ex feels that I have done his parents wrong in an unforgiveable way). He says he still loves me, that he will miss me, but cannot see how we can work, for he cannot not have his family.

 

My parents also have their opinions of his family, and I know due to generation gap, their way of thinking is not necessary right or what is best for me, even though I try to listen to my parents respectfully, but I still do what I believe is best for me... so my parents have said that they are happy as long as I am happy. I also do not believe his parents and him have been perfect and not made any mistakes, but I understand that we all make mistakes, and that all arguments require 2 parties... but I am able to realize and admit my mistakes, apologize, forgive and forget, and want to make things work for the better. However, it seems that his family is not capable or willing to do so. What I don't understand is if his parents truly love him, wouldn't they eventually be happy when they see that I love their son and we are happy together, and see that I am not the "horrible mother" that they suspect I will be?

 

I just feel it is so unfortunate that an otherwise perfectly happy couple (we match on so many different levels - work, common interests, ability to chat about anything anytime, similar way of thinking, etc) must separate because of his parents perception that I do not love their son and that I would not make a good mother for their grandkids. Aren't his parents placing their own interests (or perception) above the happiness of their son? I'm sure him parents genuinely believe that is what is best for their son, but he is a grown man, shouldn't they allow me to think and make his own decision? And yet the son is fully willing to listen and obey them. I love him, so I wish he will find a girl who his parents approve, is able to please his parents, do not make any mistakes in his family's mind and truly love him. But I just feel it is so unfortunate... there was no cheating, there was no compatibility issues between the two of us... I stuck by him during all the difficult times in his life while we were together (and did not ever consider leaving him) and was still willing to work things out even after what his parents have said about me and after he ended the engagement. It is just so unfortunate. I am trying to move on... but the relationship ended not by problems between us really, but by his parents misperception that I would be harmful to their son and grandkids should I become part of the family... so it makes it so much harder... any suggestions on how to cope with this sense of undeserving misunderstanding? Thanks so much!

[journeynow]

This is all confusing. I am really sorry you are going through this. What happened at the beginning of the relationship that set them against you? Five years is a long time for there not to be some kind of resolution, so I guess I find that kind of confusing, and a reflection on all parties. Your husband seems too passive in this, and he is the key. Because of that, I don't know if he's ready to marry anyone, even if his parents did approve. I would find it very hard to be married to someone who's parents had so much say in our life. It might be that you need to understand that he is responsible for the break up, not his parents. Without knowing the issue, I disagree that his parents are acting like most people would in the situation. If my son was with someone that long, and wanted to marry her, I would want some kind of contact and to resolve our differences. How did you find out about his parents ultimatum? Was it through him, or did you hear them say so? (I wonder if he got cold feet and used his parents as an excuse for backing out, so he wouldn't seem like the bad guy in this.) Again, I'm sorry. It's rough to go through.

[pietro5266]

You're ambiguous as to why his parents dislike you. Do you know of specific reasons? Were there specific things that happened? Or is this just how they are? If the latter, then you have dodged, not a bullet, but a missile. A guy who is so totally ruled by his parents like that is like dating a guy who's way too involved with an ex-girlfriend -- his loyalties will always be divided. Also, you'll never know whether you're getting his opinion or that of his parents.

 

It is a shame, if y'all are that compatible, that he can't simply separate from his parents enough to have his own identity and opinion. But, if he really can't, then you are much better off without this relationship. Did you ever address this issue with him?

[journeynow]

(pietro5266 said it better than I.)

[thousandyear]

There were a few incidents... all not huge issues when we discussed them with our mutual friends who are happily married (appointment booking cancellations, difference in opinion on what is best for their son when he had an injury (my ex did not at the time think there was anything wrong, but his parents now have made him see that I did not love him enough, etc). Our mutual friends have said that all our arguments were common ones that all couples have... the only difference here is that his parents knows about them... and the misunderstandings between his parents and I were also not huge issues in themselves, but they never really got resolved... so his parents just kept them in their memories. His parents and I were on friendly terms for most of the 5 years, though not super warm, but I treated them for meals during holidays, even just a few months before the engagement, his mom has called me before to ask for help for his uncle (relating to the line of work I do), etc.

 

I found out about his parents' ultimatum via him. Since ending the engagement, he said his parents do not want to see me. I have bought gifts for them for holidays and from business trips since that time, but each time he said that they did not want to see me and he would take the gifts himself and say that he would pass it on to them. I have asked him on several occasions if I could speak to his parents to apologize in person for my mistakes (mostly not doing enough to please them and to show them how much I love their son), and try to understand exactly why they are so fixed in thinking that I would not be able to make their son happy or be a good mother for their grandkids (in fact even my acquintances and colleagues who are not my good friends would likely agree that I am a nice person with good moral and ethical values). Since the break-up, he said his parents were yelling at him on a regular basis when we were still maintaining contact initially... and they would intermittently say things such as "our son is not dumb enough to get back with her". I think that deep down his parents are nice people (realistically I don't know them that well due to minimal interaction over the 5 year of relationship, and they never were interested in trying to get to know me and my family better), and I think they are genuinely doing what they think is best for their son. However, I wonder if they have ever consider the possibility that their perception may be misguided and perhaps speaking to me and trying to work things out may be the best option for their son, since we all love him... why place their son in this difficult situation? But of course if they thought this way, then we wouldn't be in this situation now...

 

I also agree with you that my ex is the key. He ultimately is the one who is easily persuaded to doubt about our relationship (and given his parents are so non-supportive, even if it did not happen now, they likely will interfere with any relationship he has with any girl the moment they see her do something that they consider to be not loving of their son). He ultimately is the one who cannot get past the issues, arguments, mistakes in the past. And even if he can, he is ultimately the one who said that he cannot see how to change his parents' perception. So like you suggested, could he be the one who is actually using that as an excuse?

 

Does anyone have suggestions on how parents with such fixated opinions can be warmed to see the real me? I don't want to harm their son. I don't want to steal their son away from them. I don't want to leave them without financial support when they are old, for I fully plan to support them when they are old. I don't want my kids to grow up without their grandparents in their lives. I want to build a happy family, and I'm willing to forgive and forget any not-so-nice things that they may have done or said, for the past is the past. I don't plan to hold any grudges, am willing to forgive, and I believe in second chances, for that is how I would want others to treat me. But is there anyway to make those who are so fixated in their opinion to see my true heart?

[journeynow]

Oh, wow, based on what you describe the issues to be, I find their behavior very extreme, and HIS behavior as well. He crossed the line when he accepted their refusal to see you, but was willing to take the gifts from you to them. I could see maybe the first time, as a peace-making gesture, but when he continued that he was basically saying it is ok to treat you like that. (And he was a willing collaborator it that.) You can't fix that, that is his problem. And he is likely to mirror similar behavior in a marriage as he gets older, that over reaction, severe judgement, and controlling behavior, but couching it as "love". I don't think you can change them, or him, and it would be hard to raise children with them (and it would involve all 3 of them).

 

edit: I'm sorry if that is harsh. I really think you have to let him go.

[thousandyear]

You're ambiguous as to why his parents dislike you. Do you know of specific reasons? Were there specific things that happened? Or is this just how they are? If the latter, then you have dodged, not a bullet, but a missile. A guy who is so totally ruled by his parents like that is like dating a guy who's way too involved with an ex-girlfriend -- his loyalties will always be divided. Also, you'll never know whether you're getting his opinion or that of his parents.

 

It is a shame, if y'all are that compatible, that he can't simply separate from his parents enough to have his own identity and opinion. But, if he really can't, then you are much better off without this relationship. Did you ever address this issue with him?

 

I didn't go into the details of the reasons for we have spoke about our problems with several mutual friends and with each other as well. And we both agree that they really were not huge issues, but because there were a series of them, and because he tells his parents every time we argue, so naturally he may forgive and forget afterwards, but his parents will always remember and remind him. So now he said he still loves me and misses me, but he does not know how he can solve the problem with his parents. Even if he wants to carry on a life with me, his parents will always remind him of the past arguments and issues. I know he cannot control or change his parents... I just feel sad that he cannot see that if he made his own choice, his parents would never truly disown him for life... for if his parents love him that much and want the best for him, wouldn't they eventually see that if he is happy then they would be happy?

 

So some of the initial incidents include an injury that he developed shortly after we started dating, his parents wanted him to rest at home 24-7 for the entire month he took off work, but he wanted to come out of the house and get some fresh air and also to see me (at least that is what both of us wanted at the time), but then when he did, his parents would say that I did not love him, for if I did, then I would not want him to do that. His parents also thought that I was unlucky for him and that partially contributed to his injury (this we both agree was unfounded, but parents are parents and I don't blame them or expect them to change). What his parents probably did not see was during that month of recovery period when he was worried that he may not be able to carry on his career if there were any permanent limitations, I was there supporting him daily, I did not desert him even though we only started dating for a few months. Others issues were similar in that it was just a difference in opinion, but they would feel that I was rude or disrespectful because of that, etc.

 

I sincerely think he is a great person, and we make such a great team in so many aspects of life together. I think his parents genuinely love him, and genuinely believe (though misguided) that I am a bad match for him and his family. He has said himself that his parents need to see that the girl genuinely love him (she needs to prove to them) before they can accept her, so I guess I made the mistake of thinking that as long as he sees that is what matters. I just think that it is so unfortunate that he and his family is not capable for forgiving and giving second chances... for I sincerely feel that we all make mistakes, we are all imperfect (I am, the parents are, and so is their son), and it is so hard to find someone who is truly devoted and faithful who loves their son for who he is, even during downtimes.

 

I spoke to my ex about everything, and everytime we chat, he seems to understand and give me some hope, but when he returns home, he is under that environment and he says that he cannot lose his parents. So I don't know if I should bypass him and show up at his home and try to speak to his parents (for everytime I ask him, he would say his parents do not want to see me, that there is no point in seeing them)... what's the worst thing that could happen? I guess they could yell at me or kick me out? But would I be able to achieve anything by showing up with my genuine heart of trying to work things out and only be yelled at and have his parents consider my action of showing up unannouced as further example of being disrespectful?

[thousandyear]

I guess I just keep on thinking, I am capable of recognizing my mistakes, learn from them, try to apologize and make things right, so I can forgive and forget because I would want others to do the same for me. I believe it's actually better to learn from mistakes and grow and then lead a better relationship rather than giving up, saying we have identified the mistakes, but things cannot be changed, so let's give up and find someone else. Because there is no perfect individual... another person may not have my faults, but they will still have fault and will make mistakes in his parents mind. Another person may not have his parents' issues, but he may have other issues... so I keep on wondering if there is anything I can do to save this relationship for fundamentally we are good together. And fundamentally I don't think his parents are bad people, they just are deep misperceptions. Am I too naive in my way of thinking?

[journeynow]

Are you saying that you want to forgive and forget, and hope to somehow make them change their minds? If he were to change his ways and want to reconcile with you, to repair the damage that he's done by leaving, I think that's when you'd need to "forgive and forget" like you're talking about. But he's not making that move, is he?

 

This isn't just one mistake on their part—a single misunderstanding—is it? The way you describe it, this is a pattern, both of theirs and of his. I don't know them, but it sounds like an ingrained characteristic of theirs, all 3 of them. You'd be marrying this pattern, you'd be living with it for the rest of your life together. If it wasn't about his injury, it would be something else. They have no place to judge your love for him. If you loved him "enough", you'd do things their way? But you'll never know what that is until it's too late. You can't win with people who have an attitude like that.

 

I know you want to forgive and forget, and I believe forgiveness is important, but he is not coming and asking you to take him back and start again, is he? They don't have to be bad people for it to be an unworkable situation. And he can be a good person and still not be capable of a healthy relationship. They can truly love their son and sabotage his relationships.

 

I might be wrong in my understanding.

 

Maybe this whole thing needs time and space (otherwise called "no contact" here on eNA) for everyone to get a better perspective on it. Give them all their space for awhile, don't talk to him, don't contact him. Give it some time. Give yourself some time.

[thousandyear]

Thanks journeynow... your words are basically the same as what our mutual friends have said to me even after they tried to talk to both of us and try to help him see... he was raised by his parents for more than 30 years and their unique attachment relationship makes him such that he cannot foresee life without them (in reality, our mutual friends said parents like that would never disown their son, but they know the son obeys, so they can use the threat). It's nice to hear it from someone here as well, and I guess I just need to accept that I cannot live life constantly trying to please his parents and guess what they consider to be acceptable. And you are right, he is not asking me for reconciliation and so forgiveness is not something that he is asking from me... the only thing he is saying to me is that he cannot see how his parents perspective can change and does not know how to do it... he said if I can think of some way, then perhaps there is a chance... but that requires that he be on my side and support me when I try, which he is not willing to do (he does not want to lose his parents by doing so and if I fail to please them, then he would lose his parents)... so in essence I guess I am fighting a losing battle with this family and their way of thinking.

 

I am not sure if time and space will change his perspective... we were never in NC mode for long as we are in the same field of work... for it's been 1 year since everything started and our mutual friends have spoke to him, he has taken some time to think, though each time the end result is the same (he starts thinking positively as usually it would be what one of our friends have said or what I said that gets him thinking, but then we he is home and his parents apply so much pressure on him... they constantly ask him where he is and he says he feels guilty when he is out seeing me to discuss things... and he would end his period of thinking we he does not see how his parents can change and he cannot do what several of our mutual friends who have overprotective friends have done - made their own choice in their spouse, ended up very happy, and the parents never truly disowned them and are starting now to accept the spouse).

 

It's just so unfortunate that his family ended up deciding his future happiness... and likely he will be happy with some girl that his parents choose for him... so I guess I simply have to figure out how to let go of this "it's so unfortunate feeling"... it's really hard when a relationship end in this day and age due to parental reasons.

[thousandyear]

Thanks journeynow for your advice and for reading my thoughts... even as I go back to read them I realize how one sided my way of thinking was... it's all me trying to grab onto something that has already left me, trying to thinking of ways of repairing something when the other side was not interested. I am going through the acceptance stage right now and woke up this morning thinking "he chose" to not spend the rest of his life with me. Regardless of what his parents' opinions are, he is his own individual, he chose to obey them, he chose to believe in their opinions and now see their worries about our future as valid (I genuinely thinks he did not think this way while we were together during our happy 5 years together, unless he was just putting on a mask, but I don't think he is the kind of person that would do that and what's the point?). So he wanted to end the relationship, and whether he is using his parents as an excuse or whether he genuinely believes his parents are acting in the best interest of him or whether he thinks in the same way as them and simply find it hard to break off with me after a long relationship, it's all irrelevant. I guess you can call it self-imposed "parental force". He had time to think, he knew I wanted to do whatever it took to try to repair things with his parents, he has seen and spoke to several of our mutual friends whose parents also opposed the marriage but our friends still made their own choice and the parents now are accepting the spouse a few years after marriage (not actually disowning their own son/daughter and when the grandkids come things will likely be even warmer as they focus on loving), he also knows an example of someone who ended his relationship and married someone whom his parent approved and is now not very happy... he chose to end it (he said he cannot do what his friends who chose their spouse against their parents wishes did) or chose to allow his parents decide for him. So there really isn't much that I can do or say once he has already checked out... he is the most important individual in this decision, not his parents... so all my efforts, suggestions, apologies, etc to him now are just seen as pity: "isn't unfortunate" and "I feel bad to see you cry and be so hurt".

 

The current him is not the same man that I was happy with (or perhaps I just did not know the full him that included his parents). He is not someone who wants a future with me and is working with me as a team to face the world and try to warm the hearts of his parents, which is not easy, but possible if he only thought of me as his team (which is the source of all our arguments during our relationship). So my feeling of "it's so unfortunate" is really a mourning of the loss of the past... that man does not exist anymore (perhaps he may return someday in the future, but I cannot bank of that). I'm mourning the potential happy future that I could have had with the man from the past... clearly there is no future with the current him. We all experience failures in life, down times, but when it occurs due to the person who love the most and supposedly thought would be there to support us through all down times, that's why it hurts so much. It's so unfortunate...