another relationship that didn't work.

[asia604]

well just when I was getting my life back together (I ended a serious relationship of 1 year back last november) I got into another relationship. I got a new job and things were going good, then a guy (he works nightshifts at the same place where I work) asked me out, it was good for the first 2 weeks, then he started being distant, I kept calling him and he kept making excuses not to see me, then by the 4th week he wanted to sleep with me, it was too soon. By the 6th week I had enough, I said either you give me some of your timea nd try to make me a part of your life or we are through. that is it, its over. He wasn;t willing to give me the time of day, he only wanted to see me on his terms when he felt like it, so I broke it off. And now I feel so crappy, like I am back to square one. Any advice as to how I can overcome this, I cared for this guy and obvioulsy he was just looking for one thing.

[Ash]

Asia, don't be tough on yourself. This happens.

 

Yes, it hurts like hell, but it's NOT your fault. It just wasn't meant to be. You seem like the kind of person that attaches and puts your heart squarely behind your emotions, and that is a wonderful way to be when it works out. It just didn't in this case.

 

Ask yourself this, on looking back at the whole situation, could he really give YOU what YOU needed. It's a two way thing. You need to be cared for and loved just the way you cared for and perhaps more, for him.

 

Yes, it feels a bit like you are back at square one. But you have learned too, and grown as a person. I think you'll see that in the next relationship.

 

I know how very, very tough it is for some people (if you ARE truly like me) to rein in there emotions once they start forming and flowing. It does make the world a better place in the long run. The journey can be so painful though.

 

Hang in there. Great things will happen one day. I will never, ever tell you to keep you feelings inside, I don't truly believe that. What I will say, and you maybe already do, is to make some good, dear friends, and lean heavily into them when you need to, and let them do the same on you.

 

Build up that support network of people you trust, and love in some ways. Then, when you venture out again, you'll know you have somebody behind you and you can let yourself feel again.

 

Getting hurt like this is just a part of trying to get into a relationship. I don't think it can be avoided. Just, please don't let it change who you are, and don't try to fix any problems that aren't there.

 

Talk things over with friends, unload, get it off your chest. And move ever forward in your life.

 

Take care, and good luck.

[asia604]

thanks for your advice ash. I just ran into him in the lunch room a couple of days ago, and he gave me a smug smile, I just took my coffee and walked away, made no eye contact. It hurts to know that he doesn't care. I didn't even have his home phone# and after our last fight, I called him at home, and he had the nerve to ask how I got his phone#. (he wasn't answering his cell) then I emailed him and broke it off. Since the official breakup, I have caught him in so many lies, like him going back to school, being busy with his family, etc. You are right he can't give me what I want. I made if perfectly clear to him that I wanted 2 things, more of his time and his love. I didn't get either. Heck he didn't even call me on my birthday. I am just scared as to what will happen when I see or run into him again.

[asia604]

is there any advice anyone can give me?

[kipster]

is there any advice anyone can give me?

 

Tough one Asia and don't take this personally since I don't know what happened in your last relationship--I'm more than willing to hear what went wrong (abuse? neglect?)--but, that sometimes happens when we think leaving one situation is necessarily better on the other side (not saying this is you since I don't know what led to your last break-up, but for some people who do leave a person that was good for them, I think your sitch can show them some insight that what glitters isn't necessarily gold).

 

I'd say depending upon your last sitch, if it really ended on good terms since you were the dumper (I assume) on course of action is to give it a try again with this new insight. Another suggestion is to just relax and let things come to you. The one thing I do like about you in what you said is when you mentioned that you could see that he merely wanted to sleep with you and that he couldn't be what you want. A good byproduct of a break-up can be seeing what you will/will not put up with/tolerate. Now you're vigilant toward that and when you see any semblance of smoke, you leave. That's a good function and will save you alot of time in the end, especially when a person is gaming on you. Now you can detect it much easier and even when you don't want to, your head knows better and you move on. This will save you heartbreak in the future. I know, since I met a promising prospect a few weeks ago that was sooooo beautiful and intelligent that I was ALMOST willing to ease up on a few of my morals for her, but after I could see that she wasn't wear I needed her to be (i.e., she was still in the partying/sewing oats/too busy phase) I had to bail despite her positive attributes. No way I'm sticking around for anything that doesn't fit what I'm looking for (for the record, her and I don't even speak now much like you asia, outside of the cordial hello). I'll bend, but I'm certainly not trying to break, no matter how fine you look on the outside. I see this same quality in you asia and I think the best thing is to keep your head up and keep moving forward. Things will work themselves out.

 

Kip

[asia604]

thanks so much kipster, you always know the right things to say. With this previous relationship, it was more neglect, it felt like he wanted me to live my life on his terms, and if I went out with friends, we would get angry for neglecting him, even though he had nothing planned. He would call me when he felt like it, when I called him or wanted to do something, he said he was busy. I mean after 3 weeks he said he loved me, and wanted to marry me, I told him it was too fast, and then he flat out asked so you are never going to sleep with me. That is when I knew he was after one thing. I think he wants me back now, because he is staring at me at work. Its either he wants me back or he is playing mind games again. I have tried to ignore him and not let it bother me, how do I get past this?

[kipster]

thanks so much kipster, you always know the right things to say. With this previous relationship, it was more neglect, it felt like he wanted me to live my life on his terms, and if I went out with friends, we would get angry for neglecting him, even though he had nothing planned. ? He would call me when he felt like it, when I called him or wanted to do something, he said he was busy. ?

 

No, thank you asia for giving me the opportunity to provide my perspective on the topic. You don't have to thank me, it was my pleasure. Anyways, the reason I believe I can tell alittle about this guy is because alot of the same behaviors he exhibited, I exhibited with my ex-fiancee over a 7+ year period of time. I was not mature enough to see the forest for the trees and my EX was virtually living her life through me, which in my naievity (and stubbornness) I was unable to see. Like your EX, I'd rarely have much planned for US as the relationship went into its later years and I became complacent and so caught up in who I was that I forgot about her. I too would call her when I felt like it and would often act as if I was busy, when I really wasn't. Over time, now that I've done my fair share of reading and reflecting, I can see how this can lead to a woman resenting a man (like I feel in my gut that my EX has) even though I know in her heart, all she really wanted was for me to love her the way she deserved to be love. I dropped the ball on that part as most men do, but hopefully the next woman won't have to worry about that happening. NO I should say, SHE WON'T have to worry about that happening. But enough about my sitch, the important thing to realize, and the real nugget of insight, is to understand that in order to grow sometimes you must lose that thing which is SOOOOOO PRECIOUS TO YOU in order to really see its value. Unfortunately, for ME and for most of us, its generally too late to ever get it back. But if nothing else, its the learning and growth that you experience that can't have a value placed upon it, as in your case you're seeing first hand. Now you're able to see directly thorugh the games and know very early if a guy really wants you for who you are or for some other peripheral motive. That, sweetheart, is growth and development and you should pat yourself on the back.

 

I mean after 3 weeks he said he loved me, and wanted to marry me, I told him it was too fast, and then he flat out asked so you are never going to sleep with me. That is when I knew he was after one thing. I think he wants me back now, because he is staring at me at work. Its either he wants me back or he is playing mind games again. I have tried to ignore him and not let it bother me, how do I get past this?

 

Again, 3 weeks is FAR too soon (as you surmised) for anyone to love anyone IMHO. And then him asking whether you were going to sleep with him was face card in the proverbial game of 'love poker' that tells you its time to 'fold 'em' with this guy. And if he does want you back now, simply ask yourself if this is really the type of guy that you can see a future with? Based on what you've said, the answer is clealry NO. And it really doesn't matter whether he does want youu back or is playing mind games, he's NOT the one that you know in your heart is best for you. So why entertain it? If he stares, simply continue to ignore him and tell yourself repeatedly that 'he's nothing to me'. After a while you'll believe it and you will no longer worry about him and his behaviors. Another easy way to get him to quit his advances is to simply complement other guys in his presense. Guys hate that especially when they like you and they don't get the same treatment. But be careful, since when the tables are turned women seem to take this more to heart. But again, if you don't feel for him, then that's always a way to begin the disconnection process.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Kip

[asia604]

thanks kipster, I will definitely try that (complementing other guys in his presense) , but you are right, he is clearly not the one for me, as a good friend once put it, a leopard never changes its spots. And if he does want me back, and if I do decide to go back to him, it will be the same vicious circle, he is a year older than me, but still has a lot of growing up to do. It just still hurts, its been a month now since we broke up. And from the day after we broke up, he acted as if nothing happened. Maybe it was just a act, or he has no heart. Only god knows.