how do you know if it's the distance, or if it's your relationship?

[lifeisaparadox]

my s/o and i have been fighting a lot more frequently this past month. we've been away from each other for almost 8 months at this point, and its tiresome. honestly. i miss him so much that sometimes it hurts, but i know that without him, it'd also hurt just as much. and if anything, i wish to be by his side again and i wish we had no distance between us all the time. so i don't think i would want to break up, but i've been contemplating lately because we only seem to be miserable with the distance now.

 

with the fights and all though, i can tell we're both having doubts whether or not this is going to work. how can you tell if it's the chaos of the distance or if it's us? at times we fight about the stupidest things misunderstood over text or something. but at times we actually fight about things, not just misunderstandings/miscommunication. sometimes i feel like many of our fights could be avoided if we were able to talk about what we wanted to in real life instead of texting (because calls for us are only free past a certain time, otherwise we use up too many minutes to talk)

[greywolf]

That's always a risk for long distance relationships. I think an important thing to be aware of is how you handle the miscommunication. If it can't be handled in a mature manner, then I'd say that you wouldn't be able to handle it in a mature manner in real life either.

[Minx2012]

This is a very good LDR question and I am surprised that not a lot of people have commented on it because for people like me and you, who are in LDR relationships, the insight from others can be quite valuable. I, too, am struggling with this question. To put my LDR into perspective:

 

Our relationship started like the typical, wonderful, passionate, romantic story. We met in 2006 in a country where we were both working at a time. We looked at each other and within one week, we were together in a relationship. The relationship was very intense, passionate and many people constantly talked about how it was very beautiful etc. We were like that for 3 years, but of course, towards the end of our 3rd year, when we were about to physically separate ( we had to go back to our home countries ), there were some troubles. We physically separated on August 2010 but had our deepest talks about keeping ourselves intact for the LDR. Why are we on the LDR and not together? I had to go back to my home country to get a professional licensing for my post grad so that I can actually practice in my career. He is still trying to get into med school and not having much luck in his home country. My professional license / career can get me a job anywhere, but sadly, not in his home country bc the pre-med school that he is currently enrolled at is in the middle of nowhere that doesn't cater to my career at all. So, we decided that I will move to a country where I can make a lot of money, save up and then re-unite with him physically in the place / country where he can get into med school. But since he has been getting rejections after rejections, he doesn't know where he will end up and he has kept me at bay.

 

It breaks my heart. We talk everyday ( if not on SKYPE, then at least by e-mail or text ). I try to be as honest and open as possible to keep all communication lines open, but it seems like he is pulling away. To this day, I still don't know if he is actually pulling away or a figment of my paranoid imagination since this is the first time that I have been on an LDR with someone I am truly in love with.

 

Some of my thoughts and fears that PLAGUE me everyday are..

 

1. Is he REALLY pulling away or becoming distant? OR Am I imagining that he's pulling away simply bc I haven't gotten used to this LDR after 3 years of bliss in the previous country that we were at?

 

2. IF he is pulling away, is it because his feelings are starting to change....OR....is it because I am pushing him away with my fears? He has mentioned that he has no idea as to why I think he is pulling away. Maybe I am just hypersensitive to the changes ( obviously, since we are on an LDR! )?

 

3. Is our relationship changing because we both don't know what is going to happen in the future? ( Dependent on whether he can get into med school or not )

 

4. Could he be interested in other women? Is he starting to change his feeling about me and is just using the med school dillemma as an excuse?

 

All these questions plague and hurt me. I try to remain as positive and optimistic as possible...but there are many people around me who wonder too. They do ask, " So, when are you guys going to be together again? ". At first, I always answered with a smile, hoping for the best. But lately, I have been just avoiding the questions bc I am starting to become unsure...I am starting to NOT know, when before I USED TO KNOW FOR SURE.

 

Does he know all this? Yes, he does, to an extent. But everytime I try to speak to him eloquently and clearly about it, my emotions get the best of me and I start to tear up. I try not to...believe me, I do! But it just comes out. And I am sad and he knows that. Most of the time, I do wonder too, " If he sees how sad I am, then why not help me? ". We have argued about marriage proposals a long time ago and that's another contention in our relationship. He comes from a family of divorce and so, I try not to push the situation until he is ready.

 

I used to laugh at people who say corny things like " I love you so much that it hurts ". Um...now I really understand that statement.

[Stay_home]

The distance causes the problem because it adds a very difficult dynamic to overcome. It's not always easy to just packup and move or to get a new career. It's not easy to do. Especially if you begun your relationship being close by and have become used to seeing each other on a regular basis. Then suddenly that's all changed and someone has to move or go away for a while; that could be hard getting used to.

[Minx2012]

The distance is definitely the biggest problem, for sure. When we get together ( which is every 6 - 8 months ), we are back to our "regular" relationship. Affection, sex, long talks, adventurous things to do etc etc. Which leads me to question WHY on earth would he keep me at bay if we are good together? Maybe I am a bit more of a romantic than he is ( while he is a realist ). In my eyes, if you love someone, you sacrifice things ( such as my 6-digit figure career ) to be closer to him. However, in his eyes, he thinks that this would be a big mistake...which leads me to think, " Why would he think that if I am the one he wants to be with? ".

[lolitalempicka]

The distance is definitely the biggest problem, for sure. When we get together ( which is every 6 - 8 months ), we are back to our "regular" relationship. Affection, sex, long talks, adventurous things to do etc etc. Which leads me to question WHY on earth would he keep me at bay if we are good together? Maybe I am a bit more of a romantic than he is ( while he is a realist ). In my eyes, if you love someone, you sacrifice things ( such as my 6-digit figure career ) to be closer to him. However, in his eyes, he thinks that this would be a big mistake...which leads me to think, " Why would he think that if I am the one he wants to be with? ".

 

Because, people are different. They got different viewpoints of seeing the term ''love'', ''future'', what they want from life, etc.

 

Doesn't have to be always a sign of lack of love. Can be, as well. However, you have to accept those differences, and not assume that just because you'd do everything for love, someone would do the same.

 

I recently ended my 1.5 year relationship with someone who I felt was (and still is) the love of my life. (However dramatic it sounds.)

 

My ex LDR was a realist, I was an idealist. He started to be eaten by distance problems. I did, but still it didn't made me to question the relationship, since I'm one of those people who would do everything for loved ones.

 

Then he called a time-out, a final and definite one. Yes, I was opposing, and wanted to get back - but I realized - this is the person I really and truly love. He is unhappy about this and right now, neither of us can give to each other what we need.

 

So, I let him go, I really, unselfishly, want him to find happiness, in whatever way it comes. That's the strength of love, I believe.

 

As for the bottom line of the original question, I'd say, distance is the inevitable and essential part of your relationship. Both sides have to be willing to work on overcoming it, otherwise you're playing with fire. LDR couples deal with a lot different challenges then other couples who get to see each other every day. It helps if you know, at least approximately, the time when you will get together for final. If it's blurred, or no future is on the horizon, and the things start to get downhill, sometimes is better to ease it off, and look at it more as friendship, than as an actual relationship.

 

Easy to say, harder to accomplish.

[engraved2008]

Its hard to know...i still wonder in my situation if,if,if......what i know that everything is possible,but yea distance can be hard,however it still can work if theres an end in sight.

 

Its hard to know........i stil wonder.....