month of recovery, attempting contact now

[Technoboy]

So my gf broke up with me a little over a month ago. Her reasoning was what i thought to be vaugue, but regardless i never questioned it, nor do i plan on ever bringing it up. I told her i respect her decision which she was relieved to hear (she thought i was gonna beg, at least thats what i think).

 

Anyway, she texted me about 2 weeks after the breakup to wish me happy birthday with a large elaborate text. I responded to her way latein the day just saying thanks. I could tell she was hurt by this from her texts that came afterwards, and it looked like she wanted to talk to me (at least i think so) so i messed around with her for a bit, not giving any real conversation material, yet she was still persistent to respond no matter how stupid my texts were. I simply wasnt ready to talk to her, and i needed to heal more. This went on into the next day. I felt bad that i was kind of being rude not really thanking the effort she went through to wish me happy bday. So i thanked her properly, saying it meant alot or w.e.,and told her id be heading off to bed soon and id ttyl. She responded with a rather more happy text, saying no problem, and telling me goodnight, just like she used to when she was still into me. "Nighty night hope you have a great sleep!

 

I took the advice given to me and have aimed for being a better person. In the month ive been away from her, ive been doing my cut (toning for those not familiar with bodybuilding) and ive gotten focused on school. I feel alot better now, and ive even recently been hit on by a few girls, as well as some old dates of mine asking me how ive been etc. To be concise, my confidence has skyrocketted. Im ready to take the next step, contacting her. I figure i got nothing to lose.

 

I dont know what constituted the break up, nor do i care. I plan on just talking to her, thats it for now. We never really fought and the break was very clean (the break up to me was really uncalled for imho, i feel like her older sister pushed her into doing it but thats another story).

 

So really, Im prepared for anything if i initiate contact with her. Whether it be no response, friendship, or even reconcilation. Ill take whatever she'll offer. I can move on either way.

 

I was thinking to text her this: "heyy ____ up? How've you been?" And leave it at that. Any thoughts, alternatives? I would call her except we never spoke to eachother on the phone (her choice, she apparently hates talking on the phone) so texting is my only option.

[LDRohnos]

I dont know what constituted the break up, nor do i care.

 

If you're planning on contacting her to perhaps continue a relationship with her...you should care. In fact it's extremely important to know exactly why she broke up with you or chances are it'll just happen again.

 

Are you sure you're really ready to contact her? Playing games with her to "test her reaction" over text messages tells me that you may have a bit of resentment harboring. Not the best time to go diving back into a relationship or even try to be friends with someone.

[Technoboy]

If you're planning on contacting her to perhaps continue a relationship with her...you should care. In fact it's extremely important to know exactly why she broke up with you or chances are it'll just happen again.

 

Are you sure you're really ready to contact her? Playing games with her to "test her reaction" over text messages tells me that you may have a bit of resentment harboring. Not the best time to go diving back into a relationship or even try to be friends with someone.

 

K, well she basically told me that she was thinking about what she really wanted, and that she just didnt want a relationship with anyone. She gave me a talk 2 months prior to this saying she wasnt confortable with a serious relationship yet (this was 2 months after we made it official) but wanted to give it time. I was her first bf, so granted its natural for her to feel so uncomfortable with a guy giving her attention. I also believe i wasnt myself for the last 2 months due to finals and alot of stress that i was experiencing, hence i wasnt that much fun to be around. Another factor was that we never had sex. shes a virgin, and i didnt take much initiative to have sex with her. The 1 time i tried, she got incredibly uncomfortable and began crying. I think if i tried being dominant with her and take the lead completley for her 1st time (and my 1st time too), our relationship will be stronger than ever. Despite her shyness towards sex, she wanted to do stuff, but i was afraid to upset her again. She never gave me a direct reason really as you can see, but this is some of the mistakes i think i made, and i plan on correcting them to stregthen a possible bond.

 

I was not at all testing her emotions. I was simply just being myself. I tend to write dumb texts that dont make alot of sense as a way of playing around. I do it alot to my friends and they just find it funny. I meant nothing by it. I simply wasnt up for actually conversing and i wanted to stay true to sone extent to my NC, so i took the alternate route in playing around. As ive said, im no longer hurt. I have my resolution in mind, and if she gives it another chance, i can make this work. Otherwise if she offers friendship, all i can offer is myself, and be the fun guy she first met.

[learning2relax]

You are doing so well. Why not give it some more time. A month in the grand scheme of things is not long at all, possibly not enough (depending on what you are "hoping" for). My two cents.

[Technoboy]

You are doing so well. Why not give it some more time. A month in the grand scheme of things is not long at all, possibly not enough (depending on what you are "hoping" for). My two cents.

 

See time is not something i can spare. Our school year ends in march, then april is exam month. Midterms and final papers are in march, so now is really the only time i have. See after april exams, she goes back home (lives in a different province). Thus, i will not be able to physically see her until september. If i dont act soon, she will begin to be too busy and wont have time (same case for me). Unless you suggest i set my plan in action somehow over our 4 month break (may-august) and all long distance.

[LDRohnos]

Here's the thing with what you're going through man, I went through something very similar. The girl 100% devoted herself to her studies and never had a boyfriend going through college. I dated her for about a year (was her first boyfriend) and in many ways she knew we weren't going to work out months if not many months before we actually ended it. She played along because she wanted to "test the waters" with a relationship even though she knew her heart wasn't into it. She wasted my time because she was too immature to have a selfless relationship. She was still in "me" mode, and she showed her selfishness constantly.

 

Tell you what man, if this girl is telling you she doesn't have time for you, that she isn't ready for a relationship and so on. Even if you get back together you're going to regret it, she's not going to want to put herself out for you since that would compromise what she really wants to do: Be selfish.

 

I would let this girl come to you. Otherwise it will never work out. Read my old started threads from years ago because I dated someone who was 25, coming out of grad school and in a very, very similar situation as you did. You can taste the frustration coming out of my text in some of those threads. She's not ready for a relationship, intimately or not.

[learning2relax]

Your choice. But if you are hoping to reconcile - 1 mos is drop in the bucket time wise. To the "dumpee" it feels like a long time. To the "dumper" it feels like moments. There is a big difference in perception of time when on each side of this equation.

 

If you read through the various posts on this thread and go back a ways, you will see that those that have reconciled more successfully have done so after a significant amount of time has passed. Significant in terms of a year or more.

 

Your simple explanation above gives me the perspective (for what it is worth) that you are not as confident as you think you are. You appear to be allowing the anxiety of time and the anticipation of being apart over those 4 months as the driver of reaching out. Not what you stated. If you really think about it, 4 mos is not that long either. The other thing for you to consider is this - how confident would you feel about the relationship if you reconcile and then are apart while "together" at the break?

 

I say let it be but it is your decision and you know best what works for you in your situation. And if you are wrong, you will learn from it.

[Technoboy]

Your simple explanation above gives me the perspective (for what it is worth) that you are not as confident as you think you are. You appear to be allowing the anxiety of time and the anticipation of being apart over those 4 months as the driver of reaching out. Not what you stated. If you really think about it, 4 mos is not that long either. The other thing for you to consider is this - how confident would you feel about the relationship if you reconcile and then are apart while "together" at the break?

 

I say let it be but it is your decision and you know best what works for you in your situation. And if you are wrong, you will learn from it.

 

in response to confidence i would have if we reconciled and then be apart for 4 months, it wouldnt be that bad since we promised to stay faithful to eachother last summer (we met last april) so it wouldnt be such a big deal to me at least. Though i see what your saying. I just thought that a month would be enough to initiate contact again. While i would like to get back together and i entertain the idea, im ready as i said for whatever she'll offer back. I have confidence generally speaking, i feel attractive again. Before this i would look in the mirror and see myself as ugly and undesirable. I was having major self image anxiety. Its a big change and step forward that ive made from that depression. Thats the confidence i have right now, i feel good about myself. Especially when i have girls coming to me, i feel really high and mighty

[learning2relax]

That is awesome! Consider just building on that! Just a thought.....

[Lansing]

I suggest you wait at least another month or two. No need to rush to get back in touch with her.

 

And, having sex with her just to create a "bond" isn't the way to go. It goes two ways. If she breaks up with you after you have sex with a girl for the first time you are going to feel like crap. She doesn't sound like she is emotionally ready to be having sex right now either.

[Technoboy]

I suggest you wait at least another month or two. No need to rush to get back in touch with her.

 

And, having sex with her just to create a "bond" isn't the way to go. It goes two ways. If she breaks up with you after you have sex with a girl for the first time you are going to feel like crap. She doesn't sound like she is emotionally ready to be having sex right now either.

 

I guess I can wait? I dunno, I just have a gut feeling that contacting her now would be good. I've always trusted my gut feelings, it never really lead me astray. Especially when it comes to relationships.

 

Well it's one of the things I need to get done if I get back with her. It's these sexless relationships that always tend to end. I won't feel like total crap if we have sex and then she breaks up with me again, b/c I have at least accomplished something. Alot of the pain and anxiety that came from the break up was not being able to have anything more than kissing (and even that was cut short, developed cold sores woo). Yes I know big deal, I didnt have sex with her. To me it was, I kinda want my first to be with another virgin, and she is perfect material. Hard enough to find a virgin at my age let alone an attractive one that I can get along with. Other than sex, alot of the change of heart i think stems from my craptastic behaviour during the last 2 months when she was "needing comfort for a serious relationship". Plus as I've said earlier, I believe her older sister did have something to do with it. Her sister is legit her best friend, and basically whatever she says goes, or it will be taken into serious consideration. Who knows what she said to her to convince her, but I have strong feelings that she influenced her decision. Considering her sister deleted me off facebook while my ex didnt, just really tells me alot.

 

This is why I feel like with some work; proving myself to her, getting it in, and showing her the guy she fell for in the first place would really make her reconsider her feelings towards me. I can't stress enough though, whatever she offers me, I will take. Im ready for war or peace, whatever.

[Technoboy]

I read your threads, and I do see some similarity (the like for videogames, the age and experience). She is introverted, but at the same time, she wanted to change, change for me especially. She actually isnt selfish at all, and I think more than ever now that her sister really did intervene with this whole thing. I can remember how horrible she felt when she reacted so terribley to me trying for sex. She appologised to me and promised me she will try her very hardest to try change for me. This was what happened with alot of her "problems" so to speak. Shes incredibly shy, and has trouble talking about alot of particular topics. She also had alot of trouble opening up to me with her feelings. Truth is, my brother is the exact same way as her (he will never say how he feels to anyone) so I actually have a great understanding to her personality. But nontheless, I remember how much she would apologize for her ways and promised me that she'd change. Of course I never really pressed the issues b/c they never bothered me. There was even at some points she really did make breakthroughs, and confessed how she felt to me. Especially when she told me she cares for me alot (she apparently had been meaning to tell me that for a long time).

 

You can imagine how weird it was for her to come back from christmas break (which was when she went back home in her own province, and spent ALL her time with her big sister) to tell me she wanted to break up. Even seeing her when she told me, it honestly didnt look like she was all for it. She still squeezed me before i left, and she wouldnt let go of my hands. To some extent yes, her uneasyness to a brand new experience did influence her actions, but ultimately, I honestly believe that sister of hers told her things to really push her to do this, even what to say to me.