Advice on a possible back together situation please

[g1llybabes]

Hi everyone, I was posting in another thread but someone suggested I started my own thread personal to me. I am looking for advice on my current situation. Please would you read my previous posts shown here and give me your thoughts. I would be very grateful.

[g1llybabes]

4:54 yesterday

Hi everyone, this is my first post here, this seems the only forum for positiveness

My situation is much more recent. My bf and I broke up on Friday. Our relationship has been plagued with problems all from me. I had let my past influence everything I was doing, during our year together ( we are LD btw about an hour from each other) I was always overthinking finding the negatives and generally just being awful. I was getting better but then there was a trigger and I had an out burst with all the past issues we had came flooding out. This was too much for him. He had given me many chances and this time he told me he was trying to forget the past and concentrate on the good and i kept rubbing his face in it and it made him hate me. It was over he wanted nothing more to do with me and wouldnt talk to me. He dumped me over a text.

I of course went into the begging and pleading mode until the same evening my 4 yr old niece was killed in a hit and run. This made me look at things so differently. On saturday her parents donated her organs and her heart was transplanted to a little boy in Scotland. I thought if something good can come from this then so something good can come from me. I got to grips with that living in the past only breeds the past.

I text him for a trial to see how it went with a clean slate and explained everything to him. But Sunday night he still wouldnt talk to me, saying i should forget him and move on, he didnt want to talk to me etc. I replied with a I hope in time we can at least talk and he would give me a last chance and i hoped this was not good bye forever.

I had read all the ebooks and sites that so NC so I was ready for a month of nothing then i would send a how are you text.

But yesterday he text me about his passport interview and a job he was going for. and that he hoped i had a good day. I replied with something light and told him to keep me posted about his job. I didnt expect a reply but I got one. Saying im glad things are looking up for you it will all work out in the end.

I thought thats it- he was just checking i was ok. So i replied with i know it will and i hope everything will work out for the best including us, do you fancy a quick chat?. he declined and said he had lots to do but perhaps tomorrow.

Then at 5am i had a text from him saying he had found out i had lost my job what was going on he was worried with 3 x kisses on the message ( all these had stopped of course) i replied asking if i could call today and he said yes.

We have just talked, first quite light had a few laughs about his passport interview yesterday ( to which he relayed one of his answers where he referred to me as his girldfriend) then he asked about what had happened. I got a little upset and told him my thought path at the weekend and how i would never be the same person again.

I asked if this was him giving me another chance and to wipe the slate clean ( i have never done this before) and he said we'll see. I said ok, can we still keep in contact? he replied i dont want to stop talking to you and laughed and called me a nutter. then the conversation ended. It was about 40 mins long.

 

So what do we all think of that? I think its positive we have gone from wanting nothing to do with me to we will see. Is this my chance to prove to him i can let go of the past and learn from my mistakes before he commits to giving it another go? How much contact do I have now? he always said I text too much before and was too demanding of his attention. I would really like to text a thank you but not sure if I should, how I should or when? If these talks continue how long before I ask if I am his gf again. I know I am jumping the gun, but that has been an issue of mine impatience! I dont want to pressure him and push him away again.

Any thoughts would be fantastic do you think its a good sign?

 

11:11 yesterday

Just an update from me,

i didnt send the thank you text. I understood what you were all saying about that.

During our conversation he asked what I would be doing later. I am a singer and do musical theater, so I had rehearsal but I have been asked to sing at my nieces funeral so told him I was trying to find the right song.

He text me at 7.30 with a song suggestion his text was " Fields of Gold Eva Cassidy" then two minutes later a text " xxxxxxxxx"

I didnt reply straight away, but I just replied with something funny that happened at rehearsal and a thank you for his song suggestion.

He has just replied back with " your welcome angel you wanna chat in a bit later?xxx"

 

this seems positive to me but Im still being aware. What do you think?

 

5:25 today

We talked last night like we always did when things were good, chatting over stuff in the day. about 40 mins it was good. I left the conversation first as he always used to say I could talk too much and he could never get off the phone with me.

I have not heard anything yet today but I hope we can chat again.

I hope this was just a fight and he felt he needed to end it for me to see things perhaps. hence the we will see when earlier in the day we spoke about us.

I need to be strong and wait for him. I hurt him and I need to show him how I can stop living in the past.

I see this as a positive that he wanted to talk to me twice in a day.

Do you guys see this a positive too?

 

6:59 today

So he has just text me with me " hows today been? Upto anything exciting xxx?"

 

I get another text too and one with a question that needs a reply- inside I am so wanting him to tell me we are back together so I can relax a bit and start moving forward with us as well as me.

But for now the communication is def positive yes?

How long before I reply. This is so hard when your on egg shells

[mhowe]

You are communicating --- you are not back together. He is being supportive -- how could he not? You lost your job, your neice and your bf in one week.

 

Please stop reading this as a reconciliation --- if it is, it is in its infancy. Do not ask him about "us", do not ask him if you are his "gf" again.

 

He is showing care and concern. Let him. But do not lean on him. Text back as short as possible, thank him for checking in.

[g1llybabes]

I would not talk about us again or ask him about him being his gf. Thats just how I feel inside. I do not want to pressure him at all.

I am not sure he would be in contact so much if he was just being supportive though. Wanting to talk to me twice yesterday?

When we spoke last night we said nothing about jobs, my neice or us. We were just talking as we used to about films and music etc. Him being supportive would be a text not two conversations in one day. He has never been like that with anything bad thats happened before where I needed support there have been some awful things ( my Dad has cancer and has been very ill)

Some out there think that this is just a huge fight and his anger caused him to act that way- hence the wanting nothing to do with me ( even when he knew my niece had got killed he still wanted me out of his life)

Its like he needed to do this to make me see my behavior was so toxic and hurtful.

[mhowe]

I was always overthinking finding the negatives and generally just being awful. I was getting better but then there was a trigger and I had an out burst with all the past issues we had came flooding out. This was too much for him. He had given me many chances and this time he told me he was trying to forget the past and concentrate on the good and i kept rubbing his face in it and it made him hate me. It was over he

 

He is being supportive because you asked him for a 2nd chance. You aren't taking "no" for an answer, plus your world caved in on you. He is a friend, and he is focusing on the positive things. You need to take a deep breath and realize you are talking to a friend, not your boyfriend.

[g1llybabes]

Ok so he didnt say no to me when we spoke yesterday he said we will see.

I know I am only talking to a friend at the moment.

He is the sort of person who would never lie to help someones feelings no matter how it would hurt or what had happened. If that was the case he would of said no to the 2nd chance at the time and told me he was being supportive as friend. He is far too honest to lead someone along.

He is a " tester" one of those people who will say something just to see what the reaction would be. Thats just the way he is- but he wouldnt lie and think I was in with a possibility if there wasnt one.

I really do think he waiting for me to prove myself. He has never said he does not love me, just that he couldnt be with me because of my behavior was so toxic.

[tjcalif]

I think it sounds like he is showing support but I also think there is a chance. You have to let it happen on its own and not worry about this right now. I do know how hard this is to do I have been there but if you push right now he will remember how insecure you were in the relationship which is what you do not want to happen. I am so sorry to hear about you neice that is absolutly horrible! Things do happen throughout our lives that can change our whole outlook on life.... I wish you all the best and hang in there the more you back off the more he is going to come to you...

[g1llybabes]

I think it sounds like he is showing support but I also think there is a chance. You have to let it happen on its own and not worry about this right now. I do know how hard this is to do I have been there but if you push right now he will remember how insecure you were in the relationship which is what you do not want to happen. I am so sorry to hear about you neice that is absolutly horrible! Things do happen throughout our lives that can change our whole outlook on life.... I wish you all the best and hang in there the more you back off the more he is going to come to you...

 

Thanks tjcalif,

I am changed and I wont put pressure on him at all or show my insecurities. To be honest Im not insecure in myself anymore this will either happen or it wont, I cant make his mind up for him. Im just finding it difficult to talk to him just as a friend. Its hard to relax as I dont want to say the wrong thing, we always talk so easily.

Even he said he had never been able to talk to anyone for so long- he wondered what we found to chat about

I am trying my best to display all the things he said he loved about our relationship and me without trying to hard as it were.

[g1llybabes]

well i text back it was ok how about yours? he text back straight back with you wanna tell me about it later? So I replied with I would love to.

Each conversation he offers I take as a glimmer of hope

[pippy longstocking]

gilly , it all sounds positive and healthy ..you doing great with this ...keep as you are ..no pressure .

[g1llybabes]

Well we spoke last night for like and hour and 20 mins. Just chatting about loads of things. It was so nice.

He asked me what was up when we first started speaking. I said Im just a little nervous thats all with a giggle and he laughed and called me a name.

Its hard not be nervous when your in this no mans land though. I soon relaxed when we were laughing.

He told me about his passport arriving and before i knew it I had said " ooo does that mean I can take you away for your birthday in June?" as soon as I had said it I thought OMG there goes your chance, talking to him in the wrong context. But he replied with it all depends on what happens with this work contract. if I get it I cant go away anywhere.

OK so that fu maybe didnt go that badly.He didnt say, we are not together so why would i go away with you did he?

I quickly changed the subject.

 

He was talking about his weight loss and how he is now seeing definition, talking lots about himself which I like. I always loved to hear what hes been up to during the day. We spoke nothing about the things in my life I need support with. we were just chatting and laughing.

 

We chatted about money and how difficult it is to save when your finances are being inspected because of your divorce. He had offered to set up an account in his name for me and I would transfer the money to him. He again, offered this to me when I have found another job.

This too has to be good doesnt it? Why would he still offer this if he didnt want me as his girlfriend any more. You wouldnt do that just for a friend would you?

Again I ended the conversation first, its always so quiet when we end a conversation where we would normally say 'I love you' I am waiting in hope he may say it and trying to stop myself from saying it and there is this awkward silence.

 

Hopefully he will contact me again today for a chat. Each talk gets better and better.

I know some of you think I may be clutching at straws, but I have to have hope that this is positive.

a. why contact me so much if it its just support. He would text not talk to me for hours every evening.

b. why talk to me about long term money stuff

c. he would of brushed off the going away thing instead of answering me about it ( I shall not be making that mistake again, my heart was in my head and had gone past my mouth on that one)

d. Why the silence at the end of the conversation. is he waiting for me to say I love you. Well Im not, I am not pushing anything.

 

So here is waiting to see if I get a text for a chat today

[pippy longstocking]

gilly your not clutching at straws ...this is all wonderful ...

 

yes the holiday offer probably wasn;t your greatest move hahahahaha ...but you realised straight away , didn't pursue it and he didn't say anything negative.

 

the bank account business ....look if this man didn't want you in his life he wouldn't be offering that ..

 

these are not straws or breadcrumbs ... and I don't think your kidding yourself ( I know at some point I am supposed to write a caution or a dont get carried away ..but I can't ..this is all so fab)

 

I imagine the silence at the end of the phone was just that moment when we all know what we used to say and when we don't it's almost like we don't know how to fill that gap ...think no more of it ..well done for not saying it and don't worry that he

didn't.....remember one step at a time.

 

keep us posted I am loving this story xx

[g1llybabes]

Thanks shooting star- I hope my so called friend has not just spoilt it though- she text me to say she had mailed him a thank you for being there for me mail and she once doubted his love but no longer does.

I went mad at her saying that we were not together and apparently ( i hadnt told anyone yet) she has mailed him apologising and saying stuff like he will never find a better woman

 

Arrrrrggggggggggghhh why do people have to poke their nose in.

 

This is going to wreck everything isnt it. OMG

 

What do I do? Do i wait to see if he texts and wants to talk later and apologise for her.

 

Do I text him an tell him not to read them.

 

Or just say nothing at all?

[mhowe]

Say nothing. And say nothing more to your friend about talking w/ him.

 

If he brings it up, and he may not, just say she bascially heard you two were talking and assumed you were back together. And say "which, of course, is not the case".

 

Do not go high drama on this. That would be the "old" you. Calm. Patient. Quiet.

[g1llybabes]

Thanks mhowe.

 

I was having a panic then. Of course, he will know that I know as she sent a 2nd mail saying sorry she didnt know we were not together.

 

But thank you, quiet patient and calm is the way. He will know that it is nothing to do with me, and hopefully respect me for not talking with her about us.

 

And not bringing it up will show I dont care what she thinks its about him and I only.

 

He is too much of a switched on man to let others influence him anyway. I hope this hasnt taken me back a step or two.

 

Calm and quiet, no pressure no drama.

 

Thank you guys- it feels good to know people understand and maybe have shared your feelings.

 

I will keep focusing on the positives of last night

[pippy longstocking]

I agree with mhowe , just leave it be , I am sure its not as big - a- deal as you think it is .

 

If anything it showed you are not talking about it, seen as your friend wrote a second mail saying she hadn't known ...

 

I haven't made my situation public knowledge either ..

 

to many cooks and all that ...

 

we all have different advice and different ways of dealing with things , and I have found in the past that when your vulnerable and unsure , too many people all saying different things puts you in a worse place sometimes .

 

if he brings it up I would just try and laugh it off ..the bigger deal you make it the bigger deal it becomes ...

[g1llybabes]

I agree with mhowe , just leave it be , I am sure its not as big - a- deal as you think it is .

 

If anything it showed you are not talking about it, seen as your friend wrote a second mail saying she hadn't known ...

 

I haven't made my situation public knowledge either ..

 

to many cooks and all that ...

 

we all have different advice and different ways of dealing with things , and I have found in the past that when your vulnerable and unsure , too many people all saying different things puts you in a worse place sometimes .

 

if he brings it up I would just try and laugh it off ..the bigger deal you make it the bigger deal it becomes ...

 

Thank you shooting star-

if he mentions it- I will just try to ignore it and say it doesn't matter.

 

Still hoping for contact today.

Actually I am appreciating even more what he was saying about the constant texting.

I kinda like having my space too to deal with things but still know we care by talking each night. We have more to talk about too as we havent shared it all in a text throughout the day

Im still finding it hard not to show my affection to him ( as we are about and hour and a half away from each other I always used to show my affection through words)

Maybe if it does work out- less of that will improve our relationship. I can save it for when we do see each other.

I know I am jumping the gun- but so many things are helping me to see even more of my mistakes than the ones i could already see. I always told him I loved him and was too affectionate at times. Crowding him with love. There is a time and place and all that- I hope we do get back together so I can put all these things into practise

If not its a huge thing to learn for my future

[pippy longstocking]

when your so used to expressing your love its quite hard to stop isn't it. Especially when its all going wrong ....that sends you into love overdrive haha I know this from bitter experience ..I was caught in that trap of saying to him what I needed to hear ...

 

we live and learn hey gilly

[g1llybabes]

when your so used to expressing your love its quite hard to stop isn't it. Especially when its all going wrong ....that sends you into love overdrive haha I know this from bitter experience ..I was caught in that trap of saying to him what I needed to hear ...

 

we live and learn hey gilly

 

Oh that is so true shooting star- you are quite right- it was always what I wanted to hear so if I said it he would say it back. But the question is why did I need to hear it so much.

I should of valued the times he did say it and not been so needy. It would of meant more then when I did hear it.

Oh I really do hope I get the chance to do it differently I really do

[pippy longstocking]

I think you will ...

 

like I say I got like that too ... I was so worried it was going wrong that I thought showering him with as much

love as I could , making him feel wanted and reassuring him I was here was making it all better , I see now that everything

and every attempt I made was just a reflection of what I needed to hear and how I needed to feel . I wanted the security

of knowing it will be ok ...so told him ..he just wanted a bit of peace ..I see it now ..( I wasn't so bad , every couple of weeks I would probably have a little insecure session )

 

but ..and it is a big but .. I guess I had to live this bit , to know how to live the latter, in the future , a healthier way. If that makes sense.

 

from the day he said to just leave it be ..I have and will .

 

I too , given the opportunity will approach things differently ..I guess is the learning curb and the healing and the accepting.

 

I don't blame myself for been in crazy town at times...it happens .

[g1llybabes]

i totally understand you. I have to have patience. And continue to grow whatever happens.

 

I am so glad you think i will get the chance though

[g1llybabes]

Just an update.

Just put down the phone after another hour long conversation

 

I did text him though first ( bad I know but I thought he would probably thinking its about time I asked about him first) I just text with hope your having a good day at 10:30pm he text me straight back and said he would call later.

 

Not a thing mentioned about the emails which put my mind at rest. We had a little

Giggle about me going to interviews and my skills and he joked a little about 'my skills'

If you get what I mean.

 

We talked politics and over our day it was lovely. I have an interview tomorrow so I again ended the conversation first. He wished me luck and said I'll talk to you tomorrow sweet dreams.

 

I think this is all going in the right direction. I feel much better today after having contact with you guys. You remind me that patience and calm is most definitely a virtue. I hope I am showing all the qualities he fell in love with.

 

Must be good to want to keep in contact and talk everyday. I hope so

[g1llybabes]

So woke up this morning feeling nervous about my interview and nervous about us. I felt the conversation last night went so well.

Even a sexual joke more relaxed, nothing about those mails. He said he would talk to me today.

I just want him to end my limbo land and tell me yes or no, but perhaps he doesn't know.

I have to be strong and continue with patience, calm and space and respect.

He is on a course next week in London so I do not expect much contact at all, the last time he was on a course I was awful with my intense communication so here is my chance to show him I respect his space and that what he is doing is very important to his life.

This is so important to me to grow as a person and at the same time show him I have realised my mistakes.

The hard thing will be on Monday- it is my nieces life celebration ( we refuse to call it a funeral) and he will be on the first day of course. I will be surrounded with the family of ex husband of which none of them speak to me, the only exception was my sister in law who allowed me to see my niece and nephew. She was also the one who asked me to sing at the service too.

But I can do this. I can be strong for me. When I would text and lean on him I can find the strength within myself. I hope that in turn it will go another step to showing him my changes.

But today- I am positive, about my interview and about us : )

 

I hope you all share the same feelings, sometimes even though I am progressing its such a comfort to have a little validation.

[mhowe]

This is an awesome post. Print it off, and put it on your mirror so you read it every morning. You can do this.

[g1llybabes]

Thanks mhowe I know I can.

 

It's hard tonight. I really want to text him and talk about my interview. But he said talk tomorrow. It's only 8pm he is probably busy preparing for his course.

 

I am hoping will all my heart he will give me a chance